


Say You'll Stay

by EllaBurnella



Series: You're Not Alone Series [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dirty Talk, F/M, Happy Ending?, Honeymoon, Light BDSM, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Reylo - Freeform, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Vacation, kinky honeymoon scenes, lots of smut, romantic sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:57:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 52
Words: 152,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17214089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaBurnella/pseuds/EllaBurnella
Summary: It's been two years since Rey has moved in with Kylo. The two of them have been working successfully to overcome the painful events of Rey's abduction with the help of their friends, Finn and Poe. But they might not have moved past from it as easily as they think. Kylo's mental health begins growing worse when gruesome nightmares start to haunt him, causing his behavior to become more frightened and aggressive. Rey struggles to find some way to help him, while also facing personal demons of her own. Kylo and Rey realize they must find help for each other soon if their relationship has any hope of surviving.





	1. Chapter 1

Rey P.O.V.

“Finn!” I call out, walking into the main workroom. He and Rose look up from where they had been working on the budget arrangements for the next food drive. I lean against the doorway, grinning over at them. Finn suddenly jumps to his feet, staring wide eyed at me. “I have some news for you.”

“What?” he asks, trying not to sound nervous. “Did she say anything? She didn’t, did she? Oh, Force, I was all worked up for nothing, I’m not even-”

“I’ve come to tell you that Leia has promoted you to official Treasurer of the charity department.” His eyes practically pop out of his head. “Well, she hasn’t officially promoted you yet, but she’s going to be calling you down to her office any minute now, so as your best friend, I thought it my duty to inform you first so you can get all your excitement out now, where-”

Finn leaps over toward me, engulfing me in his arms and laughing in a way that sounds more like sobbing.

“So all those rumors were true,” Rose beams, standing up and walking over to us.

“Well, Finn is the most money smart out of all of us. I’ve recommended we have a position dedicated to someone handling all the money, and we finally got enough budget to cover it.”

“And that means a nice little pay raise for you,” Rose says, raising her eyebrows and smiling brightly at Finn. “When are you gonna tell Poe?”

“I have no idea,” Finn stutters, still looking slightly dazed.

“He is going to be overjoyed,” I promise. “Especially the part about you getting a significant raise.”

“Rey… I don’t know what to say,” he beams.

“Hey, you were the one who did all the work,” I tell him. “I was just honest about who I thought was best for the job.” He embraces me again, and I laugh, holding him tight.

“You know, we’ve certainly come a long way, haven't we?” he asks quietly as Rose goes back to work on the budget.

“I’d say so,” I agree. “Remember when we were sitting out by the kickball wall on the playground, talking about how we were both going to runaway and be on Broadway someday?”

“Force, I think about it all the time,” he laughs as we pull apart. “But you know… I think this is a little better than Broadway.”

“Definitely. We are living the dream.” 

The phone across the room suddenly rings and I go over to answer it.

“Charity department, Rey Kenobi speaking…. Uh huh…. Of course,” I grin. “I’ll send him right up.” I hang up the phone and look to where Finn is still standing by the door. “Leia would like to see you up in her office, Mr. Finn Storm.” His eyes somehow grow even wider and he quickly straightens himself out. “Remember, you have to act surprised,” I say quickly before he can run out into the hall.

“Act surprised… how am I supposed to act like I don’t know already!?”

“Use your Broadway acting skills,” Rose encourages. I chuckle and Finn nods steadily, shaking himself off.

“Ok… ok, I’m gonna go.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” I concur. He nods assertively and marches out the door into the hallway, confident as ever.

“Is he going to be ok?” Rose asks as I smile to myself.

“He’ll be fine,” I reassure her. “He may look like he’s going to stop breathing at some point, but he always makes it through.”

“I can’t believe they were able to open up a whole new position here,” she ponders as I walk over to join her in working out the budget.

“I know. We need it though. It’s too disorganized with having random people handle all these different things. Everyone just gets confused, things get lost, it’s all a big mess. We really should have everyone in charge of just one part so everything could run a little more smoothly, but…”

“But, no money to pay for different positions,” Rose concludes. I nod. “Well, that’s First Order for you. Give millions of dollars to the departments who have too much, take away from those who don’t have enough.”

“That’s about right.”

“You should know more than any of us about what’s going on in the military branch,” she points out. “What does Kylo say about what’s going on over there?” 

I shake my head, shrugging.

“He says they have about ten people too many in each position. It’s getting harder to find things to do for people, especially because, you know, there’s no actual war happening at the moment.”

“Where the hell is all their money going towards?”

“Preparing for if there is a war. And so far, that has ended up with them having thousands of bases and weapons that are all just sitting somewhere and are probably never going to be used. Even Kylo says it’s getting a bit ridiculous. All the borders are secure, they’ve pulled all the troops out, but they keep stocking up like no tomorrow, as if we’re about to enter a life defining battle.”

“Do you think maybe Snoke and the other leaders are just paranoid?”

“I think they like having all that money at their disposal.” Rose sighs, staring back down at the budget sheet.

“Well. I suppose you’ll have another crack at getting some more positions for us here at the Board meeting next week.” I sigh in exasperation, putting my hand to my forehead. 

“I completely forgot about that.”

“Oh. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. What day are we going?”

“Thursday.”

“Well, you got everything ready, right?”

“Yeah, I got it done last week so I wouldn’t have to stress about it this week. But it literally slipped my mind the day after I finished getting prepared for it.”

“Well, you never got worried about presenting in front of the Board before.”

“It’s not that I’m worried, I’m just not sure I’m in the mood for being told that I’m a naive, incompetent child who doesn’t understand where the company’s money needs to be going…”

“Oh, Rey, you know not to listen to any of that garbage.”

“That doesn’t make it any easier to hear.”

“The Board is so corrupt. You know, obviously they don’t listen to a thing you guys say in the presentation if they think we don’t do enough work to deserve a bigger budget.”

“Well, like you said, that is the First Order way. I just feel bad for Leia, she’s the one who has to meet with them every week and hear all of that.”

“Yeah, I guess she is the odd one out of the group.” I nod in agreement as someone suddenly strides into the room.

“I’m here!” Poe calls out as he enters, followed by Mark and Brandi.

“He’s earlier than usual,” Brandi observes as she immediately goes over to one of the computers to finish typing up the survey we’ve been putting together.

“I think your man is going to have something to tell you when he gets back down here,” I inform Poe as he takes a seat next to me.

“Is that so?” he asks curiously, throwing his arm around me.

“Indeed it is,” I grin. “And I think you will appreciate it very much.”

“Well, speaking of which, your man is out in the breakroom waiting for you to come out,” he tells me, raising his eyebrows. I smile to myself, a fluttering feeling of anticipation starting up in me.

“Tell him he can wait,” I reply, not taking my eyes off the budget sheet. “Rose, how much did we spend on the damn banners? These numbers are through the roof!”

“I don’t know, I thought it was pretty odd too. I thought it was a typo, but Finn went back to look at the receipts, and apparently we got the banners that are made out of the really thick fabric instead of the paper-”

“Really?” Poe goads, narrowing his eyes at me. “You want me to go out there and tell him he can’t see you at the moment? I can’t see that going well for me.”

“Well, that sounds like your problem,” I reply.

“I wouldn’t piss him off, Rey,” Mark says, shaking his head.

“No,” Brandi agrees. “He looks like he could just bust his way in here and drag you out if he wanted.”

“He probably could and probably would,” I affirm. “But he can hold his horses for a couple of minutes.” Granted, I do enjoy doing my work out in the breakroom where I can sit and talk with him, but I like to make him wait.

“Well, could you at least give me a bigger hint to what Finn has to tell me?” Poe asks, finally changing the subject. “I don’t want to be too caught off guard. Gotta keep my cool and everything, you know.” 

“Sorry,” I shake my head. “It’s not my news to tell. Don’t worry, he should be back any minute. And we can give you two some privacy if you don’t want to freak out in front of all of us.”

“Aw, come on,” Mark chides. “Since when has Poe Dameron been a private person?”

“Since never,” he answers. “I am perfectly man enough to lose my shit in front of all of you, but I would like a tiny bit of a heads up.”

“Nope,” Rose shakes her head

“Damn,” Poe sighs.

 

I spend about twenty more minutes in the workroom, going over the budget, making sure the survey is all set up, making sure everything for the monthly report has been filled out, and finally, gathering all the paperwork I need to go over and heading out into the hall and down toward the break room.

Before Finn had come back to tell Poe the good news, he said he saw Kylo looking pretty anxious as he passed by to come down our hall, so I figured I’d only wait a few more minutes before finally coming out.

I open the glass door into the quiet room to see him standing casually against the counter in his usual all black attire, his raven black hair hanging loosely to frame his handsome face.

“You look like you’re expecting someone,” I say nonchalantly as I walk over to one of the tables and lay my work down before walking back over to grab a few things from the fridge.

“You kept me waiting,” he responds, a small grin playing across his lips.

“You should know me well enough by now to expect nothing less.” I grab a can of lemonade from the fridge, but am suddenly yanked back by a strong arm around my waist. I laugh as Kylo’s soft, yet demanding lips collide with mine, his hands reaching down to caress down my back. “We’re at _work _,” I whisper, though can’t keep the grin from my face.__

__“No one’s looking,” he whispers back._ _

__“I’d rather not take the risk,” I answer, finding a way to slide out of his grasp, something I’ve become quite good at over the years, which makes him furious. “Come on, we have work to do,” I say, turning and heading back over to the small table by the window where I had set my work down. I hear him sigh in resignation before he follows me over and sits down across from me. I smile to myself. “Don’t worry, you can ravish me all you want when we get home.”_ _

__“I plan to.”_ _

__We spend a few minutes doing whatever work we need to do, talking about what we’re doing and how frustrated we are with this and that._ _

__“And how’s Hux doing this fine day?” I ask after telling him about a particularly annoying customer we had yesterday who kept insisting we had lost all the money he had donated to us._ _

__“He’s his usual uppity self,” Kylo replies. “About as irritating as that customer sounds. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him in disguise.”_ _

__“That would answer a lot of questions,” I admit. “Poe kept insisting it must be some kind of joke, because that literally has never happened to us before. We had pages of receipts and proof that the money went exactly where he donated it, but he just wasn’t having it.”_ _

__“Yup, that was definitely Hux,” Kylo concludes. “Probably his idea of a joke. Though I can’t imagine him having a single humorous bone in him.”_ _

__“Well, as long as you’re keeping him busy and away from any of us, I’ll be grateful.”_ _

__“Oh, sure. You’re just like everyone in the damn department, leave me to deal with him while everyone else goes about their business.”_ _

__“That’s how this world works, my darling.” He scoffs, shaking his head._ _

__“Just be glad you’re the only assistant manager in your department. You have no idea how stifling it is to have to share a position with a possible psychopath.”_ _

__“I can only imagine,” I grin._ _

__It’s silent for a couple seconds as we continue our work, until Kylo suddenly looks up, stopping what he’s doing and looking as if he forgot something._ _

__“What is it?” I question, my eyes raising to take in his, rather anxious looking expression._ _

__“I forgot to tell you,” he says, sighing and putting his hand to his forehead. “My mom called right after we left this morning.”_ _

__“Uh huh.”_ _

__“She… she wants us to come over for Christmas.”_ _

__“We always go over there for Christmas.”_ _

__“No, not just for dinner. She wants us to… stay for a couple days.” I straighten up, my eyes widening slightly in surprise._ _

__“Oh… really?” He nods, rolling his eyes._ _

__“Yeah. She said Finn and Poe should come too… but I don’t know, maybe it should just be you and me…”_ _

__“Well, what’s going on?” I ask, tilting my head in confusion. “Why does she want us all over there?” He bites his lip, looking as if maybe he wishes he never even brought this up._ _

__“Look, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to, it’s probably going to be awkward, and weird-”_ _

__“Kylo, the last time you told me how horrible going over to your parents would be, it was the exact opposite,” I tell him pointedly. “It turned out the only thing you were truthful about was what an asshole your cousin is.”_ _

__“He’s not my real-”_ _

__“I know he isn’t really your cousin!” I laugh in exasperation. “Look, can you just tell me what’s going so we can forgo all this suspense?” He sighs again, though a little more lightheartedly._ _

“My…. Luke is coming over. Apparently my parents finally told him about… _us _, and he wants to meet you, I guess.” I give him a lopsided grin, laughing with amazement.__

______“Oh, Kylo… how is it you manage to make the most trivial of things sound like impending death?”_ _ _ _ _ _

____“It most certainly is not trivial!” he insists as I laugh, shaking my head and turning back to my work._ _ _ _

____“You can tell your mother that we will be there whatever day she thinks best.”_ _ _ _

____“Seriously, it is going to be beyond uncomfortable and unpleasant-”_ _ _ _

____“Do you think Luke isn’t going to like me? Is that why you’re nervous?” His eyes narrow slightly as he considers my question._ _ _ _

____“No… of course he’ll like you, everyone likes you.”_ _ _ _

____“If only that were so.”_ _ _ _

____“He’ll like you,” Kylo confirms sharply. “Look, it’s not like he’s an asshole or anything, he’s just… I don’t know, overbearing.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m sure we can handle it, Kylo.” I lower my voice, even though no one’s in here. “I mean, we took on a serial killer, I’m sure we can survive your family reunion.” He groans._ _ _ _

____“Right. I’m sure they’ve told him all about that as well.”_ _ _ _

____“Kylo,” I say, leaning over the table to put my hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be fine, love. Trust me, nothing is going to deter me from you now.” He chuckles lightly._ _ _ _

____“Well, I guess that’s true.”_ _ _ _


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo P.O.V.

I’ve already lifted Rey into my arms and have practically ripped away all of her clothes by the time we stumble into the house and up the stairs after work. 

“We should probably turn on the lights,” she suggests as I try getting up the stairs without tripping. “I can’t see a thing.”

“Too late now,” I reply, leaping up the rest of the way, still holding her tightly. She laughs as I head straight to the bedroom, throwing her down beneath me onto the bed before jumping on top of her. She grabs ahold of my wrists and kicks my legs out from under me before quickly rolling herself on top of me.

“You’re not in control tonight, Kylo Ren,” she grins as she pins me down. I return her smile, relaxing myself beneath her.

“Fine by me, scavenger. As long as I get what I want.”

“You know, I should make you wait,” she says, peeling away the rest of her clothes while still staying on top of me. “You’ve been far too pushy lately.”

“Uh huh. But you won’t.” She sighs, sitting up and straddling my waist.

“No, I won’t,” she agrees before a smile breaks out across her face again. She grabs ahold of my arms and pulls me up before grabbing my shirt and yanking it off. I lay back down as the begins undoing my jeans. “Because it would be awfully boring pleasuring myself all on my own.” She yanks the rest of my clothes off and hovers above my, her legs spread, my hands at the back of her thighs. I pull her forward a little until her pussy is just above my face. She grabs ahold of the bed frame before slowly lowering herself down onto my mouth.

My hands stroke up and down her thighs and across her ass as I work my tongue inside her, tasting every inch of her most sensitive spots. She rocks herself against me, my nose rubbing against her clit. I trace my tongue slowly up her lips before suckling at her clit and making her gasp, lifting away slightly. I growl in frustration, grabbing ahold of her hips and lifting my head to continue, but she roughly tangles her hands in my hair, pushing my head back down onto the mattress.

She slowly smiles, still hovering just above me while holding me still, teasing me. 

“So eager,” she chides, mimicking me. I sigh in exasperation, loosening my grip on her and waiting patiently. 

She slowly lowers her hips again after another moment, impaling herself on my tongue while I hold her thighs tightly, making sure she doesn’t move away again.

“There, are you happy?” she asks, raising her eyebrows. I can’t really answer, so I just grunt in response. She laughs, massaging her hands over my scalp while I close my eyes and run my tongue through her soft, wet folds.

I trace my thumbs down the inside of her legs, feeling her thighs begin to tighten. Her breathing becomes heavy as she starts quivering softly. I softly brush my teeth against her clit, sending her over the edge, orgasming over my mouth as she moans, her fingers pulling at my hair.

She shakily scoots down my body as I sit up, spreading my legs apart and grabbing ahold of her, steadying her trembling body. I gently push myself into her, the both of us sighing sharply in blissful relief.

She wraps her arms around me as I thrust myself into her, her head falling onto my shoulder as my hands press against her back. I feel her teeth sink into my shoulder as I move quickly, driving myself into her. Her legs wrap around my waist, forcing me to push all the way inside of her. 

She grunts into my shoulder as she hits her climax again, quickly sending me into mine as well. I bury my face in her neck, feeling her breasts roughly rubbing against my chest as we orgasm. 

I slowly fall back onto the bed, pulling her with me as we breathe heavily, our lips gently locked together. I reach down and pull the covers up over us, rolling over so we’re both on our sides. 

“Well, that should hold us over for a while,” she sighs as I run my hands through her hair.

“Yeah,” I agree, kissing her forehead and pulling her close to me as she tucks herself under the covers so that every inch of her is covered. “Until tomorrow at least.”

 

When my eyes slowly blink open to the soft late morning light peeking through the cracks in the shutters, I remember, with great reassurance, that it’s a Saturday morning. I grin to myself, hugging Rey closer to me as my body slowly recovers from the lull of sleep. I hear her laugh softly as my face nuzzles against her neck.

“Finally you’re awake,” she observes in her soft, sweet-sounding voice.

“You were awake before me?” I ask, turning her toward me slightly and continuing to kiss along her face.

“I always wake up before you.” I lean back to stare at her, my eyebrows knitting together doubtfully.

“No you don’t,” I decide. 

“I don’t?” she questions, giggling with incredulity.

“I’m always the one waking you up,” I point out.

“Sometimes I’m just closing my eyes, I’m not really asleep. I watch you sleep for a little bit, and then I pretend I’m asleep so you can wake me up.” She grins up at me as I stare at her in utter confusion. 

“But you… really?” 

“Yes!” she laughs. “I always wake up early. I don’t know if you realize it, but I’m always the one who wakes you up before we go to work. You know you snore sometimes? It’s really cute.” 

“You’re a sneaky little scavenger, aren’t you?” I grin, grabbing and ticking her around her waist. She shrieks and tries to roll away, but I lay myself on top of her.

“It’s too early for this!” she protests.

“Well, apparently you’ve been awake for hours, right?” I ask tauntingly, continuing to tickle around her stomach. She screams and laughs, kicking her legs rapidly.

“Ok, ok, just get off!” she gasps. I release her and place my hands on either side of her head, leaning over her. She stares up at me mischievously, her arms curling around my neck, bringing me down closer to her. 

On the weekends we don’t have to do anything, we usually don’t get out of bed until well past ten am because we get caught up having sex, unbeknownst to the time. Of course, this morning is no different. 

 

I hold her down against me, even after we’ve both finished, our chests heaving against each other. She looks at me in confusion.

“Can we just… wait here a minute?” I ask, closing my eyes, not wanting to lose the feeling of being inside her just yet.

“Yeah,” she answers breathlessly, lying comfortably on top of me, her legs spread wide over my hips. She rests her head on my shoulder, her breath landing warmly on the side of my neck, as a jolting realization slowly unfurls through my mind.

I don’t know why I’ve never thought about this until now. I can’t count how many moments I’ve shared with Rey just like this one. How many times I’ve laid with her just like this. 

My breathing accelerates slightly as I stare down at her, her naked body draped calmly over mine. I’ve never thought much about spending my life with someone. I never thought I’d give any time or effort in looking to find someone to share my life with. I never thought I’d feel safe enough or even passionate enough about someone to want something like that. And even when I finally did find Rey… I never realized what our relationship would eventually turn into. 

My hands press gently against her back as I feel her heartbeat pattering against my chest, my eyes widening, partly in fear, but mostly in excitement as I stare down at her with amazement.

This is it. This is who I want to share my life and spend every waking moment with. This is who I’m going to marry.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey P.O.V.

“So,” Poe grins, leaning up against the counter as I finish getting everyone’s plate together.

“So what?” I ask, glancing up at him with uncertainty. “I know that look, what are you so excited about?”

“Do you have a date for the Christmas party next weekend?” I close my eyes, groaning with exasperation as he laughs.

“Thanks for reminding me,” I reply sarcastically.

Every few years, First Order holds an extremely overly prestigious Christmas party at an equally over exclusive venue. Supposedly, it’s just supposed to be a huge get-together for the entire office. But really, it’s more of a fancy business meeting where you sit and discuss with other companies about how much you’ve been doing all year, what you plan to do, how great the company you’re working for is, etc. It’s not required that everyone attends, but it looks pretty bad if you don’t, especially if you’re the assistant manager of your branch like Kylo and I. 

“It’s not going to be that bad,” Poe says, as if reading my thoughts. “This is the first one where you and Kylo can go together. You know, as a couple.”

“I guess so,” I realize. I remember seeing him there at the ones I’ve been to before, but since we were supposed to be rivals back then, we never socialized with each other.

“Have you figured out what you’re gonna wear?” 

“What do you mean?” I ask in confusion. “I have plenty of things from-”

“Oh, no no no,” Poe shakes his head, glancing down the hall towards the backyard to make sure Kylo is still out there setting the table up with Finn. He turns back to me, lowering his voice. “We need to make you look like nothing he’s ever _seen _.”__

__“Oh, I snort, staring at him. “Why am I doing that?”_ _

__“It will drive him insane,” he assures me, nodding excitedly. “We’ll make you look beyond sexy, tease the hell out of him. Trust me my friend, the payoff is a wonder. Remember senior prom, me and Finn?”_ _

__Actually, I do. Poe made me help him make him look like the sexiest man alive at the dance, and it drove Finn wild. I was then informed the next morning that they had had the best night known to man after the dance was over._ _

__“Poe, you know how much I appreciate you trying to better my sex life, but we’re not in high school. We’re supposed to be mature adults.”_ _

__“Fine,” he shrugs. “If you’d prefer to spend five hours talking with a bunch of business executives with absolutely no underlying sexual tension burning between you and your man, that’s none of my business.”_ _

__“Seriously, does everything have to involve some weird sex game with you?”_ _

__“Everything is a sex game, believe me. Even if you don’t intend it to be.” I grin, feeling myself go red._ _

__“Ok Mr. Dameron. So how the hell am I supposed to…?”_ _

__“Play the game? Drive him really truly insane?”_ _

__“Uh… sure?”_ _

__“Don’t worry,” he nods reassuringly. “I’ve got you. Finn and I will make you the sexiest woman there.” I laugh, shaking my head and grabbing ahold of a couple of the plates._ _

__“Well, I’m sure it will be an interesting creation, but right now, we should probably go out and have dinner.” As if on cue, Finn comes running into the kitchen._ _

__“I’ve done it! I’ve finally convinced him to turn the lights in the backyard on!”_ _

__“Alright!” Poe cheers as he grabs the rest of the food to bring it out. The three of us go out through the back door onto the patio that, sure enough, is lit up by the strings of lights hanging above the porch. Kylo’s only turned them on a couple times when we’ve had dinner out here together and once when his parents came over because Leia likes them on. I never thought he’d turn them on for Finn and Poe. I guess it’s a guy thing to not want to show off aesthetically pleasing decorations. Or maybe it’s just a Kylo thing._ _

__“So, we’re coming over to your parent’s house for Christmas?” Finn asks after we’ve all sat down and began digging into our roast beef and potatoes._ _

__“Looks like,” Kylo answers._ _

__“I told you they’d want to invite us back after last year,” Poe declares triumphantly._ _

__“Just as long as your dad doesn’t murder us,” Finn says, shaking his head, probably remembering the first impression he had when he and Poe had come over for dinner on Christmas Eve last year._ _

__“It’s ok, he’s like that with most people,” Kylo assures him._ _

__“It’s Chewie you have to worry about,” Poe reminds him, trying to stifle a laugh._ _

__“I didn’t even do anything and he tried to bite me!” Finn exclaims, making Kylo and I chuckle._ _

__“You stepped on his tail,” Kylo says, grinning. “What did you think, he was going to be your best friend?”_ _

__“I thought it was a carpet!”_ _

__“Ok, that’s fair,” I admit. “I thought the same thing when I first met him.”_ _

__

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__After we’ve finished dinner in, what feels like only seconds, Rey and Finn begin taking the plates in to wash them while Poe and I clean everything up outside. I feel my palms shake slightly as I try scrubbing off the patio table. I try shaking the ridiculous nerves off, feeling more than a little irritated that I’m getting so worked up about talking with Finn and Poe of all people._ _

__I look up at Poe, stepping up to him and glancing over into the house to make sure Rey isn’t coming back out._ _

__“I need to talk with you and Finn for a moment,” I tell him quietly. He looks up at me, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Alone,” I add. He nods, still looking a little unsure._ _

__“Finn!” he calls over towards the house. “Can you come out here for a minute?”_ _

__We wait silently for a few seconds before Finn comes jogging out onto the porch._ _

__“What’s up?” he asks._ _

__“Where’s Rey?” I ask him._ _

“Doing the dishes. Why, is everything ok?” I sigh, closing my eyes briefly. _Well, here goes nothing. I have to do this sooner or later._

______“The other day I was… just thinking… well, Rey and I have been together for a while now… and we’ve been living together for a while, so… I guess, I’m just… I want to wait a while before I do this, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _

____I stop for a moment, trying to get my thoughts together. I should have thought through what exactly I was going to say._ _ _ _

____“I know Rey doesn’t really have any family, so I wanted to ask the two of you… I want to marry her.”_ _ _ _

____It’s quiet for longer than I would have preferred, while I carefully watch their expressions to try and decipher their reactions. But it looks as if it’s taking a while for them to process what I just told them._ _ _ _

____“You and Rey want to… get married?” Finn asks slowly, as if he wasn’t sure if he heard me correctly._ _ _ _

____“Well, I haven’t really talked about it with her yet, but… yes, that is my ultimate goal. I’m going to mention it to her soon, but I just wanted to ask you… do you know if that’s something she wants?”_ _ _ _

____“I think you would know that better than us,” Poe points out._ _ _ _

____“I mean is that something she’s wanted to do? You’ve known her longer than I have, is getting married something she wants? In life?” Finn sighs, shaking his head._ _ _ _

____“I mean, we never really considered it when we were younger because… well, honestly, she thought she’d never meet anyone. But she used to say all kinds of things before she got together with you.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, Poe agrees, “she used to say she’d never date anyone, she’d never get into a relationship… so, I’m pretty sure all of that went down the drain. You’ll have to talk with her about it. Honestly, I can’t see her having a problem with it…”_ _ _ _

____“It might freak her out though,” Finn says, while looking a bit freaked out himself. “It’s definitely a… big step. I don’t think she’ll know what to do.”_ _ _ _

____“But,” Poe steps in, his familiar grin spreading across his face, “if you are asking for our permission, you have it. If you ask me, you might as well get married now, because it’s gonna happen sometime. Right Finn?” We both look over to where Finn looks as if he’s contemplating a million things at once._ _ _ _

____“Well… of course,” he finally says. “As long as you think you’re ready and that she’ll be happy-”_ _ _ _

____“Then that’s it!” Poe decides. “Holy shit, I’m so freaking excited, I didn’t think this would happen for at least another five years…”_ _ _ _

____“Ok, but this needs to stay between us for a while,” I clarify. “I’m going to talk to her about it, but I’m not going to… propose or anything just yet.” It’s probably a good idea to wait a little longer before giving her the big proposal, mostly because I have no idea where or how I would even ask something like that._ _ _ _

____“Got it,” Poe nods._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, we’ll keep everything under wraps,” Finn agrees. “Just promise me you’ll discuss all of this with her before you… ask her.”_ _ _ _

____“Of course I will.” She really would probably lose her shit if I just proposed to her right now without mentioning a word of it to her beforehand._ _ _ _


	4. Chapter 4

Rey P.O.V.

The smell hits me before anything else. The nauseating, yet aggravatingly familiar stench of rotting that I’ve become all too familiar with and will never be able to rid myself of. I sit up, the jagged feeling of the unfinished panels of deteriorating wood mixed in with the black soil of earth beneath me. I glance around at the pitch black cellar, wondering how long I’ve been down here this time. My head hurts, so I must have hit it and knocked myself out when Plutt tossed me down here. It’s happened before.

I stand up, hearing the rats, or whatever matter of unidentifiable creatures that are living down here, scurry across the back of the room. I feel around myself, trying to decipher if there are any injuries I need to take care of. Nothing I can detect, but I’ll have to check again once he lets me out and I’ll actually be able to see.

I walk over to my left holding my arm out so I don’t run into the wall. Once my palm touches the slightly dampened, mildew covered wall, I sink down to the floor, curling into myself, trying to shut out the biting cold of the abandoned cellar. I’ve always preferred being up against the wall as opposed to the middle of a room where I can see absolutely nothing around me.

I hug my knees to my chest, burying my head between them and gritting my teeth. I know I won’t be able to sleep, nor do I particularly want to. Laying down and sleeping in a pile of rotting filth isn’t appealing to me, so usually I just try leaning into myself, maybe propping up against the wall, but only slightly. The last time I sat up against the wall too long, I was greeted with an array of insects that slowly emerged from the wall to try and nest in my hair.

Eventually, I start to feel slightly suffocated from burying my face between my knees too long, so I sit up straight and reluctantly take a gulp of the moldy air.

But I can’t. My heart jolts in my chest for a moment as my eyes widen in shock. I gasp in again, my lungs searching desperately for air. But there’s nothing. Nothing but a stifling, overbearing absence of air, as if someone had suddenly sucked all the oxygen from the room.

I jump to my feet and run along the side of the wall, my heart pounding in my chest, making my struggle for air all the more alarming. 

I keep my hand tracing along the wall as I sprint forward. I’m not sure which corner of the cellar I’m in but I know that if I keep following along the wall and turn enough corners, I’ll come to the stairs that lead up to the door. 

I keep running as fast as I can, feeling my eyes water, my hands shaking as I violently gasp for air. _Something’s wrong… _I push myself forward, my hand still running along the wall… but there’s nothing. I should have hit something by now. The stairs, or one of the corners at least. I’ve been down here at least a hundred times, I’ve memorized every inch of this wretched fucking cellar.__

__I stop, squinting forward into the black abyss. I pant for air, but I know there is none. Just like I know there is no end to whatever this place is._ _

__I turn around and run straight across the room. _This isn’t real… this can’t be real… _____

____There’s nothing. Nothing for miles. No light, no air… I’m alone._ _ _ _

I sink to the ground, feeling my body go numb from the lack of oxygen. The muggy, stagnant darkness encasing me. I feel my strangled lungs slowly, painfully suffocating. _No one knows I’m here. No one’s coming. I’m alone…_

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

______My eyes open to more blackness. But it’s warm. I feel a soft, comforting surface beneath me as I push myself up onto my elbows to see that my face was apparently stuffed in all the pillows. I guess that explains why I couldn't breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______As I shakily regain my breath, I turn my head to see that I’m in Kylo’s room. Or, our room now. I’ll never get used to that._ _ _ _ _ _

______I begin to calm down as I carefully turn myself onto my back, glancing over at the clock on my nightstand. It’s four am._ _ _ _ _ _

______I breathe steadily as I pull the covers over me, careful not to wake Kylo up. Usually, just turning over in my sleep is enough to wake him up. I scoot up next to him, my mind still racing from the nightmare._ _ _ _ _ _

______They’ve been happening for a while now. I used to have them every night right after I left Jakku. They were bad. Finn would have to stay the night with me because I would get so terrified of waking up alone after having them. But they slowly started happening less and less the older I got, until they graciously stopped altogether sometime when I was in high school._ _ _ _ _ _

______Then they started again, over a year ago. Leia warned me that after all that happened, I might go through something like this. Of course, she probably assumed that my nightmares would be about my kidnapping. But no. I was able to move on from that fairly easily. But I guess my brain instead chose to bring up these memories._ _ _ _ _ _

______I push the thoughts of the nightmare to the back of my mind for now as I lay and study Kylo’s sleeping form. I smile to myself, reaching over to gently run my fingers through strands of his black hair._ _ _ _ _ _

______He always looks so peaceful when he’s asleep. I love the small moments I catch every now and then when I can watch him sleep. Usually he’s such a light sleeper that I can’t be awake for too long without him waking up as well, so I have to be careful if I don’t want him to wake up._ _ _ _ _ _

______I trace my finger down his face and over his amazingly soft lips. A part of me wants to wake him up, just so I can talk to him. Something about his voice always calms me down. And I definitely could use it right now._ _ _ _ _ _

______I bring my hand down from his face, shaking the thought off. I don’t need to put all of this on him. At least not yet. Maybe in a few years I’ll feel comfortable enough to tell him about everything. These nightmares will go away eventually, like they did before. Then maybe I’ll be able to have a clear head about all of this._ _ _ _ _ _

______I curl up next to him, snuggling against his warm body. I pull his arm up over me and close my eyes, knowing that will probably wake him up. Sure enough, I feel him begin to stir as I lean my head against his chest. He sits up slightly and looks down at me. I stay still, pretending to be asleep. He relaxes after a moment, laying back down and tightening his arm around me, hugging me against him as we both drift back to sleep._ _ _ _ _ _

______* * *_ _ _ _ _ _

______“This is not going to work!” I call out from the dressing room where I’m currently trying to shove myself into a tight fitting salmon pink dress._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Bigger size?” Finn asks from the hall._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” I respond, staring at myself in the full length mirror. “This looks like something a forty year old woman would wear.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well… what’s wrong with that?” Finn asks hopefully. I step out into the hall, looking at him pointedly. “It looks fine,” he insists._ _ _ _ _ _

______The dress hugs tightly to my body all the way down to my hips, where it hangs loosely, one side longer than the other. It isn’t ugly or anything, but it looks extremely out of place on me._ _ _ _ _ _

______Poe suddenly walks down the hall, holding about three other dresses._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That one doesn’t look like you,” he says after glancing me over quickly. “Try one of these.” I grab one of the dresses without looking at it._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you really think this is going to work?” I ask, turning to head back into the dressing room._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Once we find the right look, yes,” Poe answers assertively._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Right,” I reply, struggling to zip up the bright red cocktail dress I just shimmied into. “This idea of yours better work Poe, because I expect to get a good payoff when all of this is over.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I adjust the tight fitting dress so the zipper can go straight up, because I had it going diagonal at first. I don’t know how the hell that had happened._ _ _ _ _ _

______“By the way, are you nervous about meeting Kylo’s uncle? I wasn’t at first, but the more I ponder on it, the more of those nervous butterflies I start getting in my stomach, where you feel like you’re going to throw up except nothing will come out.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Poe left,” I hear Finn respond, apparently alone in the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What?! Does he just walk off when I’m in the middle of talking to him?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t think he heard you. He’s a man on a mission.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ok,” I sigh. “Well, then, I redirect my question to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well… I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I guess I don’t have as much to be nervous about as you do. We have to make a good impression and all, but… not as much as you do.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“That’s true,” I say, stepping out into the hall and turning to face away from him. “Can you zip this up, I can’t figure this contraption out.” He steps up and tries yanking the zipper up. “Kylo says he’s pretty weird.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He also said his parents sucked, and we all know what a fib that was.” He finally gets the zipper all the way up. “Have you figured out why he hates his parents so much?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Uh… not really, no,” I say, as I stare at myself in the mirror. This dress is a little better, but I’m still not really feeling it. “He just says they smothered him too much growing up.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Doesn’t every parent smother their kid?” he asks. “Not that we’d know.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I always thought every good parent smothered their kid.” The truth is, I haven’t thought much about why Kylo seems so distant from his parents, at least not recently. I just assumed it had to do with all the family history, which Finn and Poe still don’t know about, so I don’t bring it up._ _ _ _ _ _

______I turn back to face him, shrugging in defeat._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I think this is a lost cause,” I surrender. He grins, shaking his head and putting his hands on my shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey, you are the most beautiful woman on the planet. You’re going to look amazing in whatever you decide on.” I smile appreciatively. “And I’m sure Kylo would agree.”_ _ _ _ _ _


	5. Chapter 5

Kylo P.O.V.

I lean up against the extremely polished wall of the pristine entrance room. They’ve held the party at this venue before, but it still shocked me when I had arrived here just a few minutes ago. The entrance room alone is lined with shiny, glass looking floors that hundreds of pairs of heels and dress shoes click against as everyone from First Order, and other outside companies, file through the room, a number of them going back down the hall to the elevators, but a few of them sticking around here to chat or to wait for others. An assortment of red and green colored garlands and wreaths decorate the walls, along with a few small silver and gold Christmas trees standing in the corners.

Rey had insisted on going over to Finn and Poe’s to get ready with them. She didn’t tell me why, but I can guess, and it does have me insanely curious to see what she’ll look like when she gets here. I can’t remember ever seeing her here in the years past, probably because I wasn’t looking for her. If I had seen her, I most likely just ignored her, since we were supposed to be in the midst of a stupid rivalry at the time. So I can’t recall how she looked, all dressed up for one of these things.

I finally got a new suit to wear, instead of the one I’ve been wearing to every event before. I still went with black of course, but this one has a few blood red linings along the edges I thought added a nice touch. I also found a really shiny pair of black dress shoes that were colored the same vibrant shade of red on the soles.

I run a hand through my hair, looking up at the clock on the wall to see it’s a little past seven. I’m about to text Rey and ask her if she’ll be here soon, but the next small group of people walking through the clear glass doors, catches my eye.

Rey walks slightly ahead of Finn and Poe, but if I didn’t stop to study her for a moment, I wouldn’t have even guessed it was her. Her hair falls in loose waves around her head, shining as the bright lights of the room glint off the soft amber highlights streaking through her brown locks.

Her eyes are lined with dark eyeliner and eyeshadow, making her narrowed gaze all the more intense. The dark makeup makes her hazel eyes glimmer in the harsh light of the gold tinted light. Her lips are painted a lovely shade of maroon.

She’s covered with a bright red leather jacket that almost reaches her knees. My eyes trail down her bare legs to the pair of tall, black high heels that will probably make her almost as tall as me.

I feel myself freeze, my gaze captivated as she undoes her jacket and pulls it off, handing it over to the people taking everyone’s coats.

Her ravishing, slim body is wrapped in an extremely form fitting strapless black dress that ends halfway down her thighs. The dress opens at her sides, leaving her back completely bare and making my blood heat. A string of black sparkling beads drapes down her torso, swinging lightly from the neckline of the dress, glittering in the lights as she moves. Lastly, she wears a silver shimmering choker around her neck.

I probably look like a drooling idiot, staring at her with wide eyes, my mouth hanging open in shock. I can practically feel every other guy in the room turning to look at her as well, especially the ones who work at our office and see her all the time.

I wait as she walks up the few stairs leading toward the elevators. She glances at me, grinning, her eyes dancing past me teasingly as she continues walking right past me.

“You coming?” she asks as she, Finn, and Poe all head to one of the elevators where a small group of people are already waiting.

Normally, I would have immediately responded to her clever little maneuver, but I just smile to myself and silently follow them over to the elevator. She knows exactly what she’s doing. I’ll play along for now.

 

Rey P.O.V.

The party goes along pretty much how I remember it always did for the first hour or so. We enter an enormous ballroom where drinks and horderves are being served left and right to the buzzing crowd of well dressed employees. We chat with the heads of other companies, trading information about our successes and whatnot. The only difference is, a significant amount of men seem to want to talk with me this time.

Kylo and I separate naturally since we’re from two different departments and have to talk with different people, but I’ve barely given him any attention so far anyway. Even though that has been incredibly hard to do since he looks beyond handsome in his exceptionally sexy, tight fitting suit that showed off a lovely amount of his form. But, seeing the hungry look in his eyes everytime I turn away from him or strategically dodge out of his grasp, is enough to get me to continue.

“So, you’ve been working at First Order since you were eighteen?” one of the guys standing in front of me asks. His voice sounds as if he’s honestly curious, but his eyes seem more curious about my chest.

“Yes. Technically nineteen, since I think I was only eighteen for a couple weeks after I started working there.”

“That’s amazing,” another one of them says, his eyes wide in amazement that most likely isn’t a hundred percent genuine. “I rarely hear of people getting started there that young.”

“Well, my friends were pretty young as well when they started.”

“The two you showed up with?” one of the guys asks. I nod.

“Are you… _with _one of them?” the guy closest to me not so slyly asks. I grin to myself, trying not to roll my eyes.__

__“Um, no,” I respond, laughing slightly. “My boyfriend is somewhere around here though.” The small group of young men nod, some of them now looking uncomfortable, but others looking a bit amused._ _

__“Well, he should be keeping an eye on you,” one of them says. I raise my eyebrows._ _

__“I’m sure he’s wishing he could,” I mutter. “But anyway. What company did you say you worked for?”_ _

__The whole first hour goes along just like this._ _

__I manage to get a couple seconds alone, so I go off to the bathroom after waving to Finn from across the room to let him know I’m stepping away for a moment._ _

__I squint my eyes against the bright white lights blazing from the ceiling in the bathroom. Of course, it’s an extremely overly fancy bathroom, with shiny white tiled floors, polished white marble stalls, and stacks of small white towels to dry your hands with at the sinks. The light reflects harshly off all the white in the room, which makes everything seem to glow. You could almost just hold the entire party in here, everything would look just as nice._ _

__I go up to the mirrors, making sure none of my makeup got wiped across my face by accident. I’ve never worn eye makeup in my life because I was always afraid I would wipe my face with my hand accidentally, and smear it all over my face._ _

__I start putting some more lipstick on, since eating all the horderves wore most of it off, when the door suddenly swings open, letting the bustling noise of the party fill the quiet room. I assume it’s just someone coming in to use the bathroom, but once the door closes, the person just stands at the door. I try to hold back my smile._ _

__“You’re not allowed in here,” I say, quickly applying more lipstick, even though it’s probably about to be ruined again._ _

__“I don’t think you’re going to allow me to catch you alone anywhere else tonight.” I close the cap on the lipstick and put it back in the clutch I had just bought for tonight. I was nervous it would be irritating to hold all night, but it’s not that bad._ _

__I turn towards the door as Kylo walks toward me. Or, more like bounds toward me as if he were anticipating me to run off._ _

__I laugh as his hands grip around my waist, pushing me back up against the sinks. His hands rake down my body, caressing every inch of my bare skin, which my dress allows a significant amount of. I hear him sigh in relief as his lips attack every inch of me he can find, his teeth trailing against my skin, acting as if he hadn’t been able to touch me in years._ _

__“You really want to play this game with me, scavenger?” he growls, his hands practically tearing at my dress. I feel his touch burning right through the fabric as one of his hands finds its way down to my center._ _

__“Ok,” I gasp, pushing him away and pulling my dress down a bit. “That’s all you get. We’ve only been here an hour, you can’t be messing up my hair and my face.” He grins mischievously, his hand running against the back of my neck and tugging through my hair._ _

__“I think you look better with your hair messy,” he tells me. I give him a lopsided grin, hopping off the sink that I somehow ended up sitting on top of._ _

__“You do too,” I tell him, reaching out and ruffling his hair. He stares at me dumbfoundedly as I walk briskly past him to the door. I open it, letting the noise from the party settle in again._ _

__“Just so you know,” I hear him say behind me. I turn to look back at him. He narrows his eyes at me, walking up behind me. “You’re in big trouble when we get home.” A flutter of excitement jerks through me, making my face go red._ _

__“Sounds thrilling,” I reply quietly before turning and walking quickly out back into the crowd, hoping to lose myself in the sea of chattering people so Kylo can’t keep track of me._ _

__

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__It’s been nearly two hours now, and I’ve had to listen to a countless amount of assholes talk about their bullshit. Normally I don’t get so pissed about having to do this all evening, but when my extremely seductive girlfriend is teasing the hell out of me, it’s a little aggravating to be standing around with Hux discussing business with a bunch of random dickheads, who probably wish they could move on from us and go and talk with Rey. I even see a few women looking her over curiously._ _

__Luckily, by the time we’re all filing into the dining hall for dinner, I have a plan worked out._ _

__I wait at the doorway as the wave of people shuffle into the gigantic dining room, keeping my eyes peeled for her. It’s not hard, since she has a small group of googly eyed morons following behind her. I grab ahold of her wrist, pulling her over to me. I finally wrap my arm around her waist, causing the few guys following behind her to look quite taken aback, much to my amusement._ _

__“Haven’t seen you in a while,” she says nonchalantly, interlacing her fingers with mine as we walk over to the large table. “How’s your night been going?”_ _

__“I think you know very well how my night’s been going,” I tell her as she grins smugly._ _

__“Well my night has been going incredibly well,” she says, sitting down toward the end of the table. I sit next to her after pushing her chair in._ _

__“I’m sure it has,” I mutter. “Can I ask what provoked this extremely hot, yet maddening behavior?” She shrugs, her eyes wide with mock innocence._ _

__“I’m just having some fun with you,” she tells me, turning to dig into the plate of fillet that has been placed in front of everyone. I shake my head, rolling my eyes as everyone begins to eat and converse with each other once more._ _

__I wait a little while before carelessly dropping my hand to my knee. I glance over at Rey to see her deeply involved with her fillet. It is one of her favorite dinners._ _

__My hand slowly reaches over until it’s resting on her bare knee. She glances over at me for a moment, but doesn’t give it any more thought. She continues with her dinner, looking around the room, listening to the conversation buzzing all around us._ _

__I smile to myself as I stroke my hand up her leg, curling my fingers to the soft inside of her thigh, sliding up under her dress. This gets her attention._ _

__Her head snaps over to look at me, but I keep eating, pretending as if nothing is out of the ordinary. I start brushing my fingers back and forth across her thigh until I finally feel her shiver slightly. I bring my hand up farther up her dress until I’m pressing between her legs._ _

__She shifts slightly in her seat, her eyes rapidly searching around the room to make sure no one’s staring. I grin to myself when I’m suddenly reminded of us being in a similar situation years ago at the movie theater._ _

__I stroke down her lace underwear, causing me to sit up straighter as I feel myself harden at the thought of taking her out of those later._ _

__I reach in around the side of her underwear, making her lurch forward, scooting herself up against the table as much as possible. She’s always so concerned with people seeing us. Honestly, what would they do if they did?_ _

__She makes an incredibly sexy gasping noise as I press my finger against her sex. She probably realizes she can’t yank my hand away from her without drawing attention to us, so, to my delight, she has to sit as still as she can and wait for me to finish. She bites her lip, trying to hold back a smile._ _

__“Miss Kenobi?” someone asks._ _

__I can practically feel her blood freeze as her eyes widen slightly. My hand stays placed against her as she looks over at whoever called out to her._ _

__“Yes?” she coughs out, sitting up straight in her seat. I act as if I’m focused on eating._ _

__She ends up having to answer a series of questions about the things her department has done over the past couple months, which involves her having to describe numerous events she administered, all while my hand is literally down her underwear. After a couple minutes, the whole thing is starting to make me laugh a little, causing my hand to shift against her, making it that much more difficult for her to keep up the conversation. Luckily, we’re sitting at the end of the table, so no one can really see what’s going on._ _

__“Does this make you feel better?” she asks quietly after the discussion finally dies down, crossing her legs tightly and trying to crush my hand._ _

__“It does actually,” I reply, now unable to move my fingers from where I strategically placed them. “Are you going to release me, or do you want my hand here all night? I’ll gladly oblige to the latter.” She huffs in annoyance and uncrosses her legs. I give her one last stroke with my index finger, apparently hitting just the right spot, because she nearly jumps out of her chair._ _

__I grin complacently as I bring my hand away from her. She puts her hand to her forehead, chuckling gently to herself, and looking a bit out of breath._ _

__“You are going to be the death of me,” she promises, seemingly to herself. I shrug. “You’re lucky your mother’s not here.”_ _

__“She wanted to be, but Han refuses to come to these things, so they go out instead.”_ _

__“Oh,” she grins warmly. “That’s cute, I didn’t know that.”_ _

__“Yeah, because they hardly talk about it. Everytime they go out, they keep it confidential since my mom pretty much knows every single person in the country. They don’t want to risk running into anyone, so they go to these weirdly obscure places to eat where they get all kinds of food you’ve never heard of before in your life.”_ _

__“It sounds like you know all about it,” she says with amusement as she takes another bite of her fillet._ _

__“Yeah, I do, because they used to drag me out with them when I was too young to stay home on my own.” She chuckles at this, and for some reason, this makes me blush._ _

“That is adorable!” she laughs, somehow making me grin a little as well. “What food did you get? I’m guessing they didn’t have anything like steak or burgers at these… _obscure _establishments.” I sigh, trying to think back to when I was seven or eight and I had to go out with my parents on their date and order whatever weird foods they’d have on the menus.__

______“Well… I remember one time I ordered this bizarre combination of an octopus and salad. It had mushrooms and potatoes and the octopus arms were kind of sticking out all around it. I only ordered it because it was the shortest name of any dish on the menu.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____“It sounds like an overwhelming combination,” she comments._ _ _ _

____“No kidding,” I agree. “When the waiter brought it out, it was on this huge plate, and the tentacles were sticking out everywhere. All I had was a fork, I had no idea what to do with it.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you have to use your hands?”_ _ _ _

____“No, I had to ask the waiter how I was supposed to eat it. So he grabbed a spoon, and I thought he was going to show me how to scoop it out the right way or something, but he just scooped up a bunch of it and shoved it in my mouth.”_ _ _ _

____Rey bursts out laughing, nearly falling over the table, and I see Finn and Poe glancing at us from across the table to see if we’re alright._ _ _ _

____I join in laughing, reaching my hand out to touch her arm as she gasps for air._ _ _ _

____“Was it good?” she asks after she’s managed to catch her breath._ _ _ _

____“Hell no, it was fucking disgusting! It took all I had not to spit it across the table.”_ _ _ _

____Luckily, everyone is mostly wrapped up in their own business so that they pay no mind to Rey and I laughing hysterically._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _

____The night’s almost over by ten pm, and Finn, Poe, and I are all sitting on a couch along with a few other coworkers, sipping glasses of champagne and discussing how relieved we are the holidays are approaching. Kylo joins us after a few minutes, looking a bit worn out. Instead of making him extremely energized, being in large groups of people has the exact opposite effect on him. And, him being in the military department, he has the most people he has to talk with._ _ _ _

____“Are you sure you want to be seen sitting with us peasants?” Brandi teases him a couple minutes after he’s plopped down next to me._ _ _ _

____“I’m sure Hux will allow me at least a five minute break,” he replies, taking a glass of champagne I had waiting for him. “Besides, I need to keep an eye on you,” he tells me._ _ _ _

____“Oh, you don’t have to worry about me, my dear,” I tell him, patting his back affectionately. “I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, every guy who comes up to her, she’s sure to let them know about you,” Poe adds._ _ _ _

____“I don’t know,” Mark shakes his head. “If I were you, I’d keep a pretty close watch. She looks like a supermodel that stepped out of a magazine depicting every red blooded human’s fantasy.”_ _ _ _

____“As descriptive as that was, I’m fairly certain I have a handle on people… flirting with me. Does no one have confidence in me that I will stay truthful to my boyfriend?”_ _ _ _

____“It’s not you we’re worried about,” Finn says, making me raise my eyebrows in surprise at him._ _ _ _

____“Finn!”_ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry,” he says, putting his hands up defensively. “But, ever since we were kids, you’ve been completely clueless about when someone’s flirting with you or not.” Poe laughs loudly as I glare over at Finn._ _ _ _

____“If I weren’t wearing high heels, I would kick you in the shin right now, Finn Storm.”_ _ _ _

____“She would,” Kylo confirms._ _ _ _

____“But, I am not a cruel person. And I am not clueless enough to not notice when someone is trying to flirt with me!”_ _ _ _

____“You were never able to pick up when I was flirting with you,” Kylo points out. I turn towards him._ _ _ _

____“You can just stay out of this!” I tell him as he laughs, shaking his head._ _ _ _

____“Ok,” Poe nods, sitting up straight and glancing around the room. “Then… what are those two guys doing over there?” I follow his gaze until I find two men dressed in pristine grey suits, casually looking over toward us. I think I remember talking with them earlier._ _ _ _

____I shake my head, sighing sharply, before setting my drink down and standing up. I grab ahold of Kylo and yank him to his feet. He nearly spills his drink in surprise. I look straight up at him, my hand curling possessively into his hair as my other hand snakes into his jacket, around his waist. I pull his face down to me until my lips meet with his, feeling his beautiful, savory flesh against mine as his hand presses softly against my bare back, his warm touch sending chills through me. He kisses me back eagerly, trying to brush his tongue through my mouth as my leg begins to curl around his._ _ _ _

____I pull away from him, holding him back firmly when he tries to stay latched onto me. I turn and look back at the group pointedly._ _ _ _

____“Is everyone satisfied?” I question, moving to sit back down on the couch. A lot of them just stare in shock, a few of them chuckling with astonishment._ _ _ _

____“I think he is,” Poe says, nodding toward Kylo, taking a sip of his drink as Kylo sits back down next to me, his eyes washing over me with a new look of excitement._ _ _ _

____“You’re like a whole different person, Reyzy,” Finn says, shaking his head at me._ _ _ _

____“What can I say?” I shrug, picking up my glass from the table. “You put me in a dress, and I’m a new woman.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____About half an hour later, I’m ready to head out. Most people have wrapped everything up after we have the traditional ‘toast of the night’, where we all raise our glasses to ourselves, and the crowd has lessened sufficiently._ _ _ _

____I know Hux is making Kylo talk to literally every person here, so I’m guessing he won’t be done for another twenty minutes or so. I figure I can just go on ahead of him, since Finn and Poe are leaving as well and have offered to drop me off at the house. And, I also know this will piss him off even more. And sure enough, it does._ _ _ _

____“Look, I can tell Hux to fuck off, I’m not staying another half hour,” he tells me after I've told him the plan._ _ _ _

____“You always have before,” I point out. He looks at me with exasperation._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t have a girlfriend before.”_ _ _ _

____“Really, you need to stay. It will be good for you and your department if you try to get in with all of these people.” I touch his hand affectionately. “And I will be waiting for you when you get home. I swear, I’m not going to sleep.” His eyes narrow at me, as if concerned that the idea had ever occurred to me in the first place._ _ _ _

____“You better not.”_ _ _ _

____“I won’t,” I grin. I glance out the large glass wall, overlooking the sea of glittering lights making up the city. “But I have to get out of here before I go crazy.”_ _ _ _

____“How do you think I feel?” he replies. I laugh quietly._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry, babe. Maybe I teased you too much.” I turn back to face him. “But I have to go now.” He looks as if he’s about to argue, but then just sighs in acceptance._ _ _ _

____“Will you call me when you’re home?”_ _ _ _

____“I will text you when I’m home.” He scoffs, shaking his head._ _ _ _

____“You are just asking for it tonight.” I nod, shrugging._ _ _ _

____“Pretty much. I’ll see you later.” He grabs ahold of my arm before I can turn and walk off. He pulls me closer to him until my chest is pressed against his. I feel his finger trace along my waist, running over the fabric that ends just below my lower back._ _ _ _

“Don’t you _dare _take this off,” he whispers, his eyes alight with desire. I shiver at his touch as his hand rests against my hip. I smile innocently up at him, placing my hand on top of his.__

________“I would have thought you would be happy to have me take it off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _I _will be the one taking it off you,” he assures me. I sigh, pretending to be contemplating the matter.__

__________“I guess you’re going to have to hurry home, then.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I step out of his grasp and walk off to where Finn and Poe are waiting by the elevator, feeling myself flush with exhilaration, wondering if I’ll even be able to handle Kylo staying away for another twenty minutes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much just smut. Skip to the next part if that's not your thing!

Rey P.O.V.

My feet feel like they’re about to fall off by the time I walk into the house. I’m too tired to even turn the lights on, so I just shrug out of my jacket, toss it in the direction of the couch, then finally kick off my heels and put them near the coffee table. I wear high heels a lot, but never ones this tall, so my ankles were beginning to feel a little wobbly. And when I start walking on a normal platform again, the earth feels as if it’s lurching forward.

I make my way up the stairs, running my fingers through my hair, which has now fallen loose from the bouncy waves Finn helped me do. I decide to wash my makeup off now, because I won’t feel like it after Kylo and I have… _finished _, and I don’t want to get it all over the place. So, I head into the bathroom once I get to our bedroom, and quickly navigate how to use the bottle of makeup remover Poe had made me buy. I tried to protest that day, because I really thought I wouldn’t need it, but once again, I was completely wrong. Apparently, this stuff really latches onto you once you apply it.__

__After I’m done, I head back into the bedroom and plop down comfortably on the bed._ _

__Kylo wasn’t the only one getting worked up tonight. Though it was incredibly fun seeing him become more and more frustrated with me throughout the evening, I had started to become a little antsy myself. But before Poe had dropped me off, he promised me I would have no regrets after Kylo comes home._ _

__I start mindlessly rubbing my thighs together after a few minutes, my body jolting when I feel how sensitive I already am. I suddenly remember I forgot to text Kylo that I got home alright, so I reach over to grab my phone that I had placed on the nightstand._ _

_I’m home, everything’s ok. Getting pretty lonely though…_

__

__

_____I grin when I see him open the message, practically feeling his rage. It doesn’t take him too long to respond._ _ _ _ _

_Be patient my little scavenger. I’m almost on my way out._

________I quickly reply back, mindlessly reaching one hand down to stroke up my inner thigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Ok… guess I’ll have to work things out on my own until you get here_

__________I laugh to myself, tossing my phone back onto the nightstand and laying back down. I close my eyes, pulling up my dress slightly with one hand while slowly rubbing my other hand over my underwear, down my center._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I roll over onto my side, pushing my fingers past the lacy fabric. I bite down on my lip as I run my hand through my wetness and start massaging myself, knowing how livid Kylo will be if I start without him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I stop what I’m doing when I hear my phone start ringing, startling me out of my lust-filled daze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn over onto my other side, reaching over to grab my phone from the nightstand. I huff in annoyance when I see who it is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“So, you wanted to hear for yourself, huh?” I ask once I’ve answered, sighing as I try to get back into whatever wonderous zone I was about to enter before I was so rudely interrupted. “You know, things were just starting to get interesting before-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Rey,” he suddenly starts in a somber tone. I roll my eyes, but smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes my love?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What are you doing?” he demands, sounding about as pissed as I assumed he’d be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You can be incredibly possessive sometimes, Kylo.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you touching yourself?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I snicker, my hand sneaking back to its previous position at the sound of his voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Wouldn’t you love to know-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Stop,” he commands in a tone that’s somewhere between an order and a plea._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Stop?” I question, chuckling in disbelief. “And who do you think you are to tell me-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m the man who is going to make you come tonight, but I’ll make sure you’re left unsatisfied if you do anything but lay completely still until I get home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My hand immediately falls away to my side as his voice sends a chill of excitement through me. I know he’d never be able to go through with that promise, but I’ll play along._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You must be away from the party,” I observe, though my voice is noticeably quieter. “You’d better make this worth my while.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You know I will. You just be good and lay there with your hands at your sides.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You know, you are unimaginably controlling. But I’ll give you a break because of how much I put you through tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uh huh. I’m in the car right now, so I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes or so.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Alright,” I sigh. “Love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I love you too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I toss my phone back to the nightstand and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and letting the silence ring through the empty house. I always thought it was so weird that quiet could be one of the loudest things ever if you’re focused on nothing else. It’s about as irritating as listening to a clock ticking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I feel myself starting to drift off as the numerous events of the day begin to settle in. I amusedly wonder how much more pissed off Kylo would be if he came in here to find me fast asleep. He might actually go insane._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My eyes blink closed as I breath slowly, feeling the throbbing between my legs still prodding at my attention. I exhale in vexation as the minutes continue to tick by and I start to drift off into a half conscious state. My body relaxes against the bed as a soft, comforting darkness slowly swallows me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I haven’t even realized I’d dozed off until I feel a hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me awake. My eyes flutter open and I smile to myself when I feel Kylo settle onto the bed beside me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He sighs as he runs his hand up and down my bare leg, his hair brushing against my shoulder as he leans forward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re a little tease, aren’t you?” he chastises, his other hand beginning to stroke through my hair. I chuckle quietly as his hand moves to brush over my stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What time is it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s not even eleven thirty. And you’re in for a long night.” I grin eagerly, pushing myself over so I’m facing him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, as I said before, I expect this to be worth my while since you’ve been building it up so much.” He smiles, his fingers tracing along my abdomen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Here are the rules,” he tells me, reaching around my neck to unclasp my necklace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, we have rules now,” I goad, smiling contently._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re not in control tonight,” he continues, pulling my choker off and setting it over on the nightstand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You sure you can handle all that responsibility?” I continue mocking him. He sighs, pulling my dress up over my hips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re not going to come until I say you can.” Two of his fingers press firmly against me as they run up along my sex all the way to my navel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sounds… debatable,” I answer, trying to keep my voice from trembling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And,” he berates, his hands gripping my underwear and sliding it down my legs, the lacy fabric tickling down my calves, “you’re not going to make a sound, unless you want me to gag you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I blush as I feel heat wash over my body, defying the cold air that fills the house. Kylo grabs my hips and flips me over onto my stomach before I can wittily reply to his suggestion. He pulls my dress back down before caressing his hand down my back until he grasps the zipper at the back of my dress. He slowly pulls the zipper down, the fabric opening before him as I cross my arms in front of me, leaning my chin against my forearm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Everything going smoothly?” I ask as he starts slipping the dress down my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What did I tell you?” he warns me, slapping my hip. I laugh, burying my head in my arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ok!” I call out, lifting my body up so he can pull my dress off. He grabs onto my hips again, this time pulling me down the bed until my hips are resting atop his thighs. I try to turn my head to see what he’s doing, but he leans his elbow against my back, limiting my movement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I feel his hand caressing my backside and I bite my lip, trying not to laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Did you like having all that attention on you tonight?” he asks, his other arm still pushing against my back. I hesitate, not sure what answer he’s looking for._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Um… no?” I jump as his hand smacks sharply down on my backside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Were you trying to make me _jealous? _”__

____________I nod, still smirking to myself. I’m about to tell him that I hope it worked, before his hand roughly connects with my ass again, making me gasp breathlessly. He spanks me several more times, and I begin to feel my arousal start to soak down my legs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Once he’s satisfied with the, no doubt shining shade of pink my flesh has turned, he stops, going back to caressing me softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you ever going to do that again?” he asks, his other hand stroking around the back of my neck. I’m already nearly out of breath, but of course, I reply anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Definitely.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I gasp as he grabs me around my middle and flips me over onto my back again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“So, what now?” I question as he gets up off the bed and heads toward the closet. He opens it and reaches down to grab something, which turns out to be a small box. I feel myself redden as he takes out a few of the _items _we had gotten over the past couple of years.__

______________He turns and walks back over as I stare at him with wide eyes, exhilaration burning through every inch of me. He sits down on the side of the bed, laying the objects down beside him before grabbing my right wrist and wrapping one of the soft ropes around it before attaching it to the headboard. He does the same to my other wrist until my arms are spread out above me. He reaches for the blindfold next and delicately wraps it around my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I breath slowly, getting used to the complete loss of sight as he begins tying the soft ropes around both my ankles. We’ve done this many times before, but it still takes a moment for my mind to remind my body that I can trust Kylo with my life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________When he’s done, my body is tied spread eagled to the bed, completely at his mercy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Does everything feel ok?” he asks seriously, his palm touching against mine. I give him the thumbs up. I feel him get off the bed and slowly circle around the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My ears strain so I can figure out where he is, and after a couple minutes of silence, I begin shifting around with impatience._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I know exactly what he’s doing, and I guess it’s working._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I suddenly feel an extremely cold fabric touchdown against my stomach and, if I weren’t tied down, I’m sure I would have leaped off the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My back arches as he drags the silky fabric up my stomach and over my breasts. After a while, I figure out it’s one of the silk bindings we have._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Does that feel nice?” he asks calmly as I writhe on the bed while he teases me with the material, pulling it across my face, the thin textile wisping over my lips. I nod as my hips lift off the bed while he drags it back down my stomach and down the apex of my thighs. My loss of sight seems to make the fabric all the more cool, giving me goosebumps. “Stay still,” he tells me, gently pushing my hips back down. I comply, my teeth gritting in effort as I try not to move while he draws the material back up my other leg and, finally, directly over my sex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I can’t help but throw my head back, whining softly as the icy cloth runs over my heated center._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re so responsive,” he commends as he rubs the fabric over my chest, across my erect nipples. I feel it fall away, while he slowly smoothes his hand up my thigh. My head falls to my side, smiling slightly while I wonder how long he’s going to torture me. His nails scratch against my skin as his palm comes up to rest on my sex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My body shakes, feeling every single brush of his finger, hearing his every breath and movement, the shift of his clothes, the sound of his feet moving against the carpet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I cry out as his hand leaves my body and smacks down against my pussy, my back arching so far, I’m afraid it might break. My chest heaves as my clit throbs in response, my heart racing and causing me to pant for air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I feel Kylo’s reassuring touch on the side of my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t move,” he tells me quietly. I take a moment to quickly pull myself back together, preparing eagerly for whatever he’s going to do. He keeps his hand on my face as he brings his other hand slamming down against my cunt again, but I keep myself as still as I can, exhaling in pleasure as my toes practically curl into my feet. “Good girl,” he praises me as he rubs his hand softly down my cheek._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My breathing trembles lightly as I feel him straddle my body, grabbing the last item he had placed on the bed next to me. I hear something click, followed by a low buzzing sound. I freeze, feeling my clit begin throbbing for attention._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Are going to be able to hold still?” he asks, touching the small vibrator against the lower abdomen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Uh… no promises,” I manage out as my hips suddenly buck as he drags the toy down my body. I hear him laugh quietly as he continues tormenting me, circling the buzzing device around my thighs, carefully avoiding where I want it the most._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hold still and you’ll get what you want,” he promises me as I continue attempting to thrust my hips against his hand. I sigh in frustration, begrudgingly forcing myself to keep still, all while shaking madly inside, waiting for Kylo to stop teasing me. Though I guess this is the point he’s trying to make._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I groan loudly when he finally touches the edge of the vibrator against my clit, causing me to feel an invitingly warm knot in my stomach. I feel him leaning over me, his free hand resting beside the side of my head. I feel my thighs tighten as my sex twitches in need, bringing me closer to my climax._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As soon as I’m about to reach my blissful release, I feel him take the vibrater away, still leaning over me. My hips shoot up, but there’s nothing there. I gasp in disbelief as I thrash against the bed, desperately looking for something to rub up against, but there’s nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Fuck! _” I curse as Kylo laughs and I feel my release slowly slipping away. His fingers stroke against my forehead, brushing some strands of hair away from my face.__

________________“Does that make you frustrated?” he tantilizes, making me yearn to have my hands free._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You are _cruel _,” I tell him, pulling against the ropes. His hand caresses down my side in an attempt to calm me down.__

__________________“Just be patient,” he says, touching the toy down right on top of my pussy again. I rutt myself against the device in his hand, desperate to hurry up to my finish before he can continue teasing me. He allows my jerking, which must mean he doesn’t plan on letting me come._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Sure enough, he pulls it away as soon as it starts to feel good._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re an asshole,” I choke out as I wantonly rub my hips against nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know,” he hums contently, his fingers tracing along my waist. “Just keep quiet and I’ll let you release. But I have to punish you a little first.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I sigh in exasperation, but eventually calm myself down again, waiting for him to continue. If he wants to play this way, I’ll have to go along, since I’m the one currently tied to the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He goes on torturing me with this excruciating torment for what feels like an hour, until I’m drenched in sweat, my limbs aching from thrashing so much, my body trembling violently all over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________My chest heaves, feeling as if I’d just run a marathon, and I don’t think my heart has ever beat so expeditiously in my life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Every once in a while, he’d drag his nails across my stomach, or lightly pinch my nipples, or kiss along my jaw just to taunt me even more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you ready to change your answer now?” he asks, stroking his finger up and down my tortured clit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What?” I ask above my panting, feeling tears leaking out of my tightly closed eyes. He stops his caressing, his hand resting against my lower abdomen as I feel him lean down beside me, his lips brushing against my ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you ever going to tease me again?” he asks, his voice a seductive whisper, making me wish he’d continue rubbing his hand against me. I struggle with my answer, knowing what he’ll want to hear in order to allow me to finish. But, being me, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction and inflate his ego anymore than I have to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t know,” I reply to him, trying to quickly gather myself. “This is a rather… exciting punishment.” I hear him chuckle lightly as I smile, beginning to catch my breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He sets the vibrator down beside me, his hands going to smooth over my breasts before trailing down my body and massaging my twinging limbs. I feel myself sink into the mattress, losing myself in his loving touch, his large hands slowly undoing the erotic pain he had put me through._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Finally, I feel two of his fingers press against my center. I moan in relief, inviting his much needed touch. He begins rubbing my clit, his fingers pressing against it hard, making me gasp in surprise. I cry out in solace, pushing my hips up against his hands as he quickly brings me immediately to my long denied climax._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I feel my heart nearly jump out of my chest as my body writhes vigorously through my orgasm, which hits me like an avalanche, my vision swimming with stars as I feel as if my body is floating away, off the bed, out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________All sound drops away as I fall into some dark, blissful abyss, pleasure scorching through every inch of myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I’ve heard people talk about being in ‘subspace’ a lot, but I was never sure what they meant. I feel a thrill of excitement ripple through me as I realize this must be it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I realize I can’t even move when I try to turn my head toward whatever muffled sound is calling to me. I try blinking a couple times as feeling slowly comes back to my limbs, my vision beginning to take in the outline of the bedroom around me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I feel my hands fall to my sides and slowly turn my head to the figure hovering above me, feeling their hand on my cheek._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Rey?” I finally make out the muffled voice, though it still sounds far away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I blink up at Kylo’s worried gaze as I glance around in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What… what happened?” I ask, my voice sounding as if I’ve been asleep for a couple hours. Kylo stares down at me, his expression beginning to fill with amazement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I think… I think you passed out,” he tells me, his hand still touching against my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I stare back at him, trying to collect my bearings as I register what he just said._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I begin laughing, half in embarrassment, half in bewilderment. My hand covers my mouth as I stare innocently up at him, a smile playing across his lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How… how long was I out?” I ask, still giggling slightly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Just a few seconds,” he answers, beginning to laugh a little as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Holy shit.” I shake my head, bringing my hands to my forehead as he goes to untie my ankles. “Well, I guess you lived up to the hype.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you thirsty?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It’s just now that I realize how dehydrated I feel, probably because I just lost a bunch of sweat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I guess my expression answers for me, because after he’s done freeing my legs, he reaches over to the nightstand and hands me a glass of water. I take it, looking up at him curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You were prepared,” I commend, taking a gigantic gulp of the graciously cold water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I notice a lot of times we’ve had sex before, you always run off to the sink after and chug down have the water supply, so I thought I’d be proactive tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Huh. I think you might know me better than I know myself.” He nods, taking the glass from me and drinking a few sips himself. “Excuse me. I don’t believe you were the one working hard tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Hey, it’s hard to break someone as stubborn as you,” he protests, setting the glass back down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He climbs back on top of me and kisses me roughly on the mouth. We’ve been doing this for almost three years, and I still feel like I’m losing my mind every time he kisses me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Now will you please take your clothes off,” I insist, looking at him pleadingly. “You’re driving me crazy.” He grins, sitting up to shrug out of his jacket, then his tie._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I push myself up impatiently and begin rapidly unbuttoning his shirt when he deliberately takes his time doing it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He finally yanks the damn thing off and I start undoing his pants._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It looks like you’ve recovered fast,” he observes, allowing me to undress him the rest of the way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What, you think you tired me out already?” I question. “You promised I was in for a long night.” He grins in excitement, pushing me back down onto the bed and straddling my hips once he has all his clothes off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“So, round two then?” he asks as he settles himself between my legs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yep,” I nod, wrapping my legs around his waist as he lowers himself into me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________My hips press against his as he gently thrusts into me while he kisses my neck and I bury my face in his hair. He leans down onto his elbows and his arms wrap around the back of my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________My hands travel down his broad shoulders, his smooth, muscular arms, down his perfectly toned waist, until my hands rest on his backside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He moans softly into my neck as my hands caress against his muscles while he fills me up, my walls opening to let in the all too familiar sensation of him prodding through me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I push up against him, rolling us over so that I’m on top. I know he wants to roll his eyes and say something smart-alecky as I grin smugly down at him. But I quickly cover his mouth with mine before he can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I lower myself down beside him after we’ve finished, and he continues kissing along my chest, his arms holding me closely against him as I try pulling the covers up over us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Next time, I’m using that vibrator on you,” I tell him, pushing against his shoulder playfully._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Sounds like fun,” he chides, grinning against my shoulder. I roll my eyes as he laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I know I probably should be worn out, but I feel like I could stay up for a couple more hours._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________After laying here for a couple minutes, I glance up at Kylo to see that he still looks wide awake as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Do you want to go downstairs and watch a movie?” he asks, as if reading my mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ll start the popcorn,” I say, already jumping out of bed and going to grab a pair of pajamas._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo P.O.V.

Rey and I had fallen asleep on the couch watching movies all night. By the time I wake up, I look to see that the tv is back to the menu of Daylight, the last movie I remember putting in, and there are two empty bowls of popcorn sitting on the coffee table.

Rey’s still sleeping, and it’s only just seven am, so I don’t want to wake her yet. I gently pull myself up from where I was curled up next to her and reach over to turn the tv off and get the movie out of the player.

When I walk back over to the couch, looking down at Rey’s sleeping form, I suddenly remember what she had told me about being awake before me. I kneel down beside her, placing my hand on the side of her head.

“Rey?” I whisper quietly. “Are you asleep?” She’s still for a moment, and I’m about to grin in victory, but she suddenly shifts her body, sighing sleepily, her eyes blinking open.

“Well, I was about to be,” she answers.

“Sorry,” I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief. “You can go back to sleep, I just wanted to see if you were pulling my leg.”

“Well, now you know I’m not,” she says, pushing herself up, but still hugging the blanket around her. I stand up and head over to the kitchen to get breakfast. It’s still extremely early for a Saturday morning, but once I’m up, I can’t go back to sleep.

“What kind of eggs this morning?” I ask, opening the fridge to get the carton. We always make eggs on Saturdays for breakfast.

“Um… sunny side?”

I grin, opening the carton and grabbing a handful of eggs. Rey always wants the same type of eggs, every time. I don’t even know why I bother asking anymore.

“Have you ever even tried any other kind of eggs?” I ask, going to turn the stove on and grabbing the pan from the cabinet below.

“I have,” she says, standing up from the couch. “And they were all disgusting. Though I’m sure if you made them, they wouldn’t be half as bad.”

“Well, I appreciate that, my love. Is there anything else you wanted?”

“No, I think that should be good. I’m going to brush my teeth.” She turns and heads up the stairs while I start on the eggs.

I sigh, closing my eyes briefly after I’ve cracked the eggs over the pan, letting them begin to cook.

I told myself that I would talk with her this morning about what we want to do in the future. But how in the hell are you even supposed to bring something like that up in a nonchalant way? 

I continue mindlessly cooking the eggs while I hear the water turn on upstairs.

What if she says she doesn’t want to get married? What if it seems like I’m pushing this too far and she gets freaked out? What if she realizes she doesn’t even want to be with me at all?

My hand holding the pan begins shaking slightly as I realize this could be the last morning I have with her.

The pan clatters back onto the stove as I turn and lean up against the fridge. _Calm down. This is ridiculous. This is Rey. I can talk to her about anything. If she wanted to leave me, she would have done it by now. ___

__I hear her walk down the stairs, and I realize I’ve been standing here contemplating this for way too long. I refocus my attention back on the eggs as she walks up next to me to grab the carton of orange juice out of the fridge. I look her over and chuckle to myself._ _

__“I see you’re ready for the day,” I observe. She looks down at herself and shrugs._ _

__“Well, I was just going to brush my teeth, but I figured, might as well get dressed and everything now.” She pours herself a glass of juice and goes to sit at the counter. “Even if you are going to rip all my clothes off later.”_ _

__I laugh, scooping the finished eggs onto the two plates I layed out. After turning off the stove, I bring them over to where Rey’s sitting, taking a seat next to her._ _

__“Rey,” I start before I can stop myself after setting the plates on front of us. She looks confused at my serious tone._ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__I look into her wide, curious eyes, feeling myself calm down, remembering why I am sure this is the woman I want to marry._ _

__“Have you ever… thought about marriage?” I ask carefully, turning to pick my fork through the eggs. She’s quiet for a moment while I watch her from out of the corner of my eye. She doesn’t move, which worries me for a second._ _

__“Oh… well… I’ve thought about it… when I was younger. But I guess I haven't really… not recently.” I nod. “Have you?”_ _

__“I have. Recently.” I see her nod her head, looking down at her knees. “I was just wondering… is that something that you would want?” Her head snaps up back at me, making me turn to face her completely._ _

“Yes,” she answers quickly. “I mean… with you, yes. Of _course _.”__

I feel a wave of relief wash over me, followed by a wonderful wave of excitement. _She wants to marry me…_

___________I’m about to sweep her right up off the chair and kiss her, but I suddenly remember something else that I failed to even think about before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______All the color leaves my face as I realize exactly how different our views on this could be. And that it definitely would mean we wouldn’t be able to get married or even be together…_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is something wrong?” she asks me, no doubt noticing how I all of a sudden look like a ghost. I turn to look at her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey,” I start again, unsure of how to bring this up in a non awkward way. But I guess it’s too late for that now. “I don’t know… how you feel about… having a family and all of that. Like… kids.” I see understanding slowly cross her face. I sigh, trying to calm my racing thoughts. “I decided a long time ago, I don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’m very father-like material, but besides that…” She nods slowly, probably figuring out what I want to say._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Your grandfather.” I try to repress the shiver that wants to spike through me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“This is going to end with me,” I tell her. “I’m not going to keep it going by passing it onto anyone else.” I close my eyes, shaking my head. “And I’m sorry if this sounds selfish, but… I don’t want anyone else in my life to make me happy.” I look back over to her. “Just you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I see her take everything in, her eyes drifting off thoughtfully as she considers all I just layed on her._ _ _ _ _ _

______She reaches her hand out, interlocking her fingers securely with mine._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I understand,” she says, her eyes meeting mine. “You don’t have to be sorry, of course it makes sense why you wouldn’t want to have kids.” She looks down at the ground. “The idea has never appealed to me either.” I look at her with incredulity._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Really?” She nods, grinning slightly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Truthfully, the idea of having children always used to stress me out, even when I was young. I don’t think I’m quite mother material myself. I mean… look at us.” She laughs as I cock my head in confusion. “Would we really be good parents?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______After a brief moment, I laugh, to my own disbelief._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” I answer, grinning. “We would be terrible. I think Finn and Poe would be better at it than us.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Exactly!” she laughs. “And you’re right.” She puts her arms around my neck, her forehead touching against mine. “I don’t need anything else to make me happy except you.” She leans forward to plant her lips on top of mine. My arms circle around her waist, pulling her closely against me, feeling an unspeakable amount of emotions as I realize that I am going to spend the rest of my life with Rey Kenobi, and she wants to spend hers with me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“And besides,” she says, after pulling away briefly. “I do _not _want to be pregnant for nine months. I spent over twelve hours being tortured by a serial killer, I don’t think I need to go through giving birth in this lifetime as well.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, and I don’t need to sit back and watch you go through it,” I agree. She smiles playfully, before jumping up onto my lap, her hands tugging through my hair as she caresses my mouth with her lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I plop the weights I was attempting to lift, back down on the rack, taking a moment to stretch my arm across my chest. I’m up to twenty five pounds now, but it’s still a struggle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I take a long gulp of water from the bottle I always take with me as Kylo walks up next to me, the tips of his hair slick with sweat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And how are you doing?” I inquire, beginning to catch my breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Just fine, scavenger,” he answers, looking me up and down. “I saw you attacking that punching bag earlier. It was pretty terrifying.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Perhaps I’m beginning to channel my inner Kylo Ren,” I respond, smugly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, it’s very hot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah? You sure it doesn’t scare you off from our regularly scheduled duel?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You wish,” he shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“No, _you _wish,” I tell him, walking past him toward the mats in the back of the gym. “Last time I checked, I kicked your ass four out of five times.”__

____________“Yeah, right after you lost four out of five times the week before,” he points out, following me over to the mats._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo and I still go to the gym every Sunday. Mostly because we spend a good chunk of the time whacking away at each other with sticks, or wrestling on the mats. And since our combined combat skills helped us out when we had to fight a psychotic maniac, we decided we’d better continue our training._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think we should do hand to hand today,” I suggest, briefly stretching out my legs after pulling off my tennis shoes and stepping onto the familiar blue canvas of the training mat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can’t wait to get your hands all over me?” he taunts, grinning pompously at me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Well, you’ve known me long enough now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Uh huh,” I nod. “Which is why I know all of your weak spots, your disadvantages…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You forget, I beat you every time when we fight like this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Almost every time,” I remind him. I did win twice. But that had more to do with luck I’m fairly certain, because the first time, I think Kylo slipped on the mat, and the second time, I kind of cheated by acting like I was going to punch him in the balls._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I push out every other detail in my mind other than the opponent in front of me. That’s how I have to think of him as. An adversary. Someone I have to take down. That’s the first advantage I have over him: I’m able to switch my mind like that. He can’t. It doesn’t mean he’ll go any easier on me, as I’ve learned, but it’s just something to note._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He attacks first, but I drop down to the ground, sliding right past him. I jump to my feet, leaping onto his back and wrapping my arms around his neck, holding tight in an effort to get him to his knees. He does, but uses the momentum to swing me off his back and twist me around. He pulls me up against him, trying to get his arms around my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I quickly yank myself out of his grasp. Once he gets his arms around me, it’s nearly impossible to get him off. And then he usually lets me go after only a couple seconds, because he knows I’d rather pass out than give up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I go for his legs, diving straight at them and successfully knocking them out from under him. I climb on top of him, struggling to pin his arms down. His arms are stronger than his legs though, and he tosses me off as if I weighed less than a plastic bag. However, I’m a lot faster than him, so I roll away before he can get on top of me and throw myself to my feet, readying myself for his next attack._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He stares up at me, laughing briefly, but I ignore him, as always. As soon as he stands back up, I charge at him, ramming myself against his torso, pushing him back down to the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He grunts as he hits the floor, grabbing me around my waist in an attempt to twist me down so I’m below him. I quickly jab him in the side, loosening his grip and leap around him, my arms circling his neck once more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He grabs my wrists, trying to pull me off, but I’m able to keep ahold of him better than usual. Maybe I am getting stronger. All that work on the punching bag might be paying off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________His leg moves behind mine, and before I can react, his knee shoves one of my feet out from under me. I try to still keep my grip on him, but when he flings me back, I topple onto the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s on top of me right before I can jump back up, his hands locking around my arms and pinning me down. I shove up against him as hard as I can, but his entire body is locked on top of mine, his thighs secured around my hips, his legs crushing mine down to the mat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll give you this, scavenger,” he offers as I continue unsuccessfully wriggling out of his grip. “You are an unlikely challenge.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I exhale in defeat, my head falling back onto the mat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Whatever. I’ll beat you fair and square one day.” He grins, looking as if he doesn’t believe that for a second, but admires my resilience._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’m about to inform him that he can get off me now, but he instead leans down and kisses me firmly on the lips, still holding me down. I kiss him back, which is a little hard since I’m so out of breath. I feel his hips move against mine, and feel myself go red when I realize we’re right in the middle of a crowded room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Do you think it’s time to get going?” I suggest, trying to turn my head and see if anyone’s watching us. “If we keep going on like this, we’ll get ourselves kicked out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He looks reluctant as he pulls away and loosens his grip on me, but I can tell he’d much rather us be at home right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Ok, let’s hurry,” he answers, grabbing my hands and pulling me up beside him. I chuckle, rolling my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You’re such a _guy _,” I tease him as he pulls me alongside him after we grab our things and head for the door. “Can you hold your shit for a second, I have to put my shoes on!”__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It feels like it takes about five years before we can get out of the gym and back to the house. Even driving the whole way back, I can barely keep my hands off her as she sits calmly in the passenger's seat in her extremely tight fitting pair of black leggings and white sports bra, showing off her deliciously toned stomach, glistening with a light sheen of sweat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My palm constantly finds its way to rest over her thigh or between her legs, where she quickly shoves it away. Of course, she teases me about it the whole time, but I can tell she’s feeling a bit anxious herself, the way she’ll start mindlessly rubbing her thighs together. Which of course, works me up all over again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________We finally pull up to the driveway, where we both jump out of the car, her trying to look as nonchalant as possible, but I don’t really give a shit who might be watching. I grab ahold of her arm, just to be able to feel some part of her until we can get inside, which once again, feels as if it takes an eternity as we walk up to the porch, get the keys out, and unlock the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My hand presses against her lower back as we walk inside, and I’m about to turn her around to face me and relieve her of her clothes, but as soon as I turn to close the door, she sprints off toward the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Hey!” I call out, quickly chasing after her after fumbling to lock the door behind me. I hear her laughing from our bedroom, followed by the loud hum of water as she starts the shower. _Damn, she’s fast._

________________By the time I get upstairs, her clothes are already lying discarded on the floor. I quickly yank off all of mine before heading into the bathroom, where Rey is standing outside the shower, leaning in to test the water with her hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Warm enough?” I ask, walking up behind her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Not quite.” I grin before grabbing her around the waist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Good,” I reply as she shrieks while I walk us into the shower. She laughs as I set her down and turn her around to face me. My mouth attacks hers as the warm water spills over us, getting hotter by the second._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I pull away, shaking my head and reaching over to cool down the water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What is it with you and taking hot showers when you’re trying to cool down?” I ask as the water graciously begins to cool._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Hey!” she protests, struggling out of my grasp as she shivers against the icy spray. “You do this every time!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I know,” I groan sarcastically. “I’m the worst.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________My hands curl around her hips as I lift her off her feet. She wraps her legs around my waist as I back her against the wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Will this make up for it?” I ask, leaning down to brush my lips across her breasts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It’d better,” she laughs. “I’m freezing right now, I need you to make me warm.” I grin against her chest. _No problem, my dear._

__________________Her hands massage through my soaked hair as my teeth graze over her nipples, taking them in my mouth as she moans softly, her body rubbing against the tile wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The water bill is usually a little higher than I’d like it to be, and that’s most likely because, it takes almost ten minutes before Rey and I actually begin washing ourselves in the shower after we get in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	8. Chapter 8

Rey P.O.V.

I’m nearly slumping onto Finn’s shoulder by the time we pull up to Han and Leia’s house. It’s been a long week, and half the office was unexpectedly pulled into work earlier today, the day before Christmas Eve, which we usually have off.

It’s almost eight now, and Kylo is still at work, since Snoke always likes to be an asshole and keep everyone working late. I offered to wait for him at the house, but he insisted I head up now with Finn and Poe, probably because he noticed I was acting like a zombie who was prematurely yanked from the grave.

I help Finn and Poe grab all their things out of the car and we all head up to the front door, where Han is already waiting for us.

“So the boss finally let you go, huh?” he asks as we all walk up, taking the suitcase I was holding off my hands.

“Yes, eventually,” I grin. “Is she here?”

“She should be getting here in a couple minutes.” He narrows his eyes, staring at me with uncertainty as I walk into the warm house. “How you doin’ kid? You look worn to hell.”

“It’s been a rough week,” I answer as Finn and Poe hobble in after me.

“Just slaving away in our little hallway, hidden from the world,” Poe adds dramatically.

“I told her she needed to get the bigger working space,” Han shrugs.

“I think we’re lucky to get the one we have,” Finn points out. His eyes suddenly widen with fear as an extremely hairy dog comes bounding out from the kitchen. I grin warmly, leaning down as Chewie runs up to me.

“Well, good evening to you too,” I laugh, scratching behind his ears as he laps his tongue happily at me. A low whine comes from him, and I look up expectantly at Han. I’ve learned that he had apparently become an expert on the Chewie language over the many years he’s spent with him, so he’ll usually translate everything to all of us.

“He says you need to come around more,” Han grins. I nod in agreement.

“Where should we put all this?” Poe inquires, looking down at all their stuff as Finn slowly backs up against him, keeping his eyes on Chewie.

“Well, you have two choices,” Han tells them. “You can take the guest room, or Ben’s old room.” Poe and Finn look thrown off guard for a moment, before quickly remembering Ben is Kylo. We had to reveal the news to them the first time they had come over here for Christmas Eve. I think they realized that it was a subject that didn’t need to be lingered on too long, so they just went along with it.

“Give Rey and Kylo his old room,” Poe decides. “I’m sure that will be a lovely bonding moment for the two of you to sleep in his old bedroom.”

“Yeah, just point me in the right direction,” I sigh, heading over across the room and collapsing onto the couch by the fireplace.

“Feel free to get some sleep kid, nothing crazy’s happening tonight,” Han tells me as he leads Finn and Poe towards the stairs to head up to the guest bedroom.

“Mm hm,” I mumble, lazily kicking my shoes off, my eyes dropping closed before I even sink down and lay myself out on the couch. Chewie walks around the couch, staring curiously up at me. I give him a tried smile, reaching over to lightly pat him on the head. He gives me a small yawn, before shaking his head and going over to plop himself in front of the fireplace. 

I can feel the intense heat from the fire just a few feet away from me. I don’t know what it is about fireplaces that calms me so much. I remember back at my second foster home, I’d always love sleeping out on the couch during the winter because they would always have the fire going most of the night. They wouldn't put it out before going to bed, they’d just let it burn out, so I would sometimes fall asleep just staring at the small flames that slowly descended into glowing embers. I’d fall asleep before seeing it go out completely, every time. I don’t think the parents even noticed I was down there.

I feel myself blissfully slipping into much needed sleep as I stare at Chewie lying comfortably in front of the fireplace, a strange nostalgic feeling suddenly washing over me, making me want to cry for some reason. Ugh. I really do need some sleep.

Kylo P.O.V.

Fucking Snoke didn’t let me walk out of the building until almost nine pm. Poe had texted me about an hour earlier telling me they all got there safe. I’m guessing Rey was too tired to let me know, she looked like she was about to pass out when I saw her leave. Which of course made me all the more pissed that I had to stay here another sixty minutes working with Hux when I could be holding Rey, who’s no doubt asleep by now. Whenever she’s had a rough week, she usually just collapses onto the couch when we get home and I’ll turn on a movie and eventually fall asleep next to her. 

I practically sprint out of the office at eight fifty five before anyone can stop me. I’m able to race down to the parking garage, get out into traffic, and get all the way down to the house only ten minutes after nine, which is pretty good for a Friday night. I grab all our bags that we had packed this morning and quickly throw them in the car before heading down to my parents’ house.

I’m glad Luke isn’t showing up until Sunday. At least I’ll have a day to properly prepare, and hopefully prepare Rey. I don’t know what’s going to happen, I haven’t seen the man in years, so he’s no doubt going to try and find out what’s been going on with me, since I have a girlfriend now, and the last time I saw Luke, I probably seemed like no woman would ever dream of coming anywhere near me. Hopefully, he’ll just be glad I’ve moved past whatever slump I was in for most of my life and we can all get on with our lives. But, being the overly worried person he is, I know that’s not likely to happen. Sometimes I think he’s convinced I’m doomed to become my grandfather.

I eventually push all my Luke worries to the back of my mind when I pull up to the house, next to where Poe’s buick is parked in the driveway. I hop out of the car and grab the two bags we’ve packed before heading up to the door.

Leia answers, looking rather relieved.

“What, did you think I wasn’t going to show up?” I ask as she takes one of the bags from me and ushers me inside. 

“Well… knowing who you work for, it wouldn’t surprise me much,” she answers quietly. I can tell that continuing down this road will lead to yet another argument about Snoke, so I don’t pursue it.

“Where’s Rey?” I ask, glancing around in confusion at how quiet the house is.

“She’s asleep,” Leia answers, nodding over toward the couch by the fireplace. I look over across the room, just as Chewie comes prancing over to rub his head against my legs. “Someone’s missed you,” Leia says pointedly as I try stepping around the ridiculously huge dog.

“I see,” I answer, reaching down to scratch his head.

“We’re all in the kitchen finishing up dinner in case you’re hungry. And… your father’s out in the garage.” I don’t answer, and she doesn’t say anything, although I know she wants to tell me I should go say hi to him.

I’ve definitely grown closer to my parents than I have been since… well, probably ever. I suppose I have Rey to thank for that. But I still haven’t really gotten over the hill with Han yet. I mean, it’s better now. We talk to each other at least. But I still can’t bring myself to trust him enough to be close to him.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Leia says, setting our things beside the stairs. “If Rey wakes up and wants something to eat, tell her there’s broccoli and pork in the kitchen. And some vanilla ice cream.” 

I nod, walking quickly over to where Rey is sleeping soundly on the couch, the shadows from the fire flickering across her face. She’s still in her clothes, one arm tucked behind her head, the other hanging off the couch, her fingers close to touching the floor.

I sit beside her, kicking off my shoes and setting them next to hers. I gently rub her back as her eyes blink open and she turns slightly, staring around in confusion before her beautiful, tired eyes and on me.

“Hey,” I smile down at her. She turns onto her back, smiling sleepily.

“Hi,” she greets back. My hand curls around the back of her neck as I lean down to kiss her softly. She reaches up and hugs me closer to her. “What time is it?” she asks as I nestle myself beside her. 

“Nine something,” I answer. “Are you hungry?” She looks thoughtful for a moment before shaking her head. “Are you sure? Did you eat dinner?” She looks away guiltily. I give her an exasperated look.

“I’m not hungry!” she insists. I roll my eyes.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I had a yogurt sometime after lunch.”

“You have to eat dinner! There’s broccoli and pork. Probably a bunch of other stuff too. And there’s ice cream.” She raises her eyebrows. 

“That sounds pretty good.”

“Oh, you’re not hungry for dinner, but you’re hungry for ice cream,” I scoff at her. She grins happily up at me, making me laugh, despite my frustration. “Do you want me to go get you some?”

“No, that’s ok,” she shakes her head, snuggling up next to me. “I want to sleep.”

“Ok,” I laugh quietly, securing my arm around her waist and laying my head down next to her. She buries her face in my arm, rubbing her cheek against my shoulder. I grin. She always does that when she’s warm.

I start to feel myself begin to drift off not long after Rey has fallen back asleep. I softly brush my hand through her hair, staring blankly at the flames dancing in the fireplace. For a moment, I remember a time I used to like sleeping out here on this very couch on Christmas Eve. Back when I was seven or eight years old, and I wasn’t sure if Santa was real or not, so I would try and stay up all night to see if he would really come, or if it was just my parents putting presents under the tree. I was never able to make it past nine.

I don’t know how much time has passed before my eyes blink open and the fire has almost gone completely out. I look over to see Finn sitting over in the sofa chair, looking at something on his phone.

I lean up from where my face had become buried in Rey’s hair, and carefully sit myself up without waking her.

“Where is everyone?” I ask, running my hand through my hair and trying to shake off my drowsiness. Finn looks up at me from his phone.

“Your parents went out in the back. Poe’s taking a shower upstairs.” I guess it’s not that late. 

“What time is it?”

“Almost ten thirty,” he replies, glancing back at his phone. I tuck the blanket on the couch around Rey’s still sound asleep form. “By the way, you and Rey are sleeping in your old room. Leia took your stuff up there a while ago.”

“Oh, perfect,” I groan, remembering the ridiculous twin sized bed my parents had put into my old bedroom. Rey and I will have better luck sleeping here on the couch.

“Hey, when is your uncle supposed to get here?”

“Not until Sunday.”

“Is he really as weird as you keep saying?” 

I sigh, wondering how in the hell I can explain this to anyone.

“Yes. Probably not towards you though. He’s not a dick or anything, he just….”

“Gets on your nerves?” he offers.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Poe told me he’s big on the Jedi religion stuff?”

“Oh, yeah,” I chuckle, shaking my head. “You’ll be able to tell from a mile away.” He grins down at his phone.

“Well… you told all of us that your parents were awful, but they’ve been fine so far.” I grin to myself. 

“Yeah. That’s all I’ve been hearing from everyone.”

It’s quiet for a little bit as I lean back against the sofa, my hand resting against Rey’s waist as my other hand picks mindlessly at the couch while I stare straight ahead, waiting for the last of the flames to slowly fizzle out.

“Did you talk to Rey about… you know, the marriage thing?” Finn asks. I look over at him, a little caught off guard by the question.

“Um… yeah. We’re… on the same page.” I see Finn begin to smile, before a flicker of remorse, or maybe fear, crosses his face.

“So… have you figured out when you’re gonna ask her?”

I feel a whole new wave of stress wash over me as I remember I have to figure out some way to propose to, whom I’m hoping will be my future wife. _Wife… holy shit. ___

__I think Finn can read my expression, because he just nods understandingly._ _

__“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I blurt out before I cam stop myself. He looks at me, nodding slightly._ _

__“You’ll figure it out,” he assures me before I can tell him I don’t know why I just said that. “Rey isn’t hard to please. She knows you love her. That’s all she’ll need.” His eyes drift down to her briefly._ _

__When thinking about all the stress weighing on my mind about this subject, Finn wasn’t the first person I would have thought of to relay my worries to. He and I don’t have the weird tension between us that seemed to be present the first few months I started going out with Rey, but we aren’t exactly close. Still, now that it’s just him and I, his reassurance feels… encouraging._ _

__“I know that,” I answer him. “But I don’t know how I’m supposed to-” I stop when I see the expression on Finn’s face as he looks down at Rey._ _

__He looks as if he’d just seen a ghost. His eyes go wide as he seems to study Rey’s unmoving form, his breathing accelerating as he grips his phone in his hand. I look down at Rey, feeling my stomach jump to my throat._ _

“What?” I ask, fear chilling through me as his terrified expression doesn’t change. He gets up from where he was sitting, and walks over to the couch, kneeling in front of where Rey is lying, his hands gently holding her head. “ _What?! _” I shout, my eyes frantically pouring over her, trying to figure out what’s wrong.__

______“Rey,” Finn says, not loudly, but clearly, as he gently shakes her, trying to wake her up. I stare down at her, feeling my heart pounding out of my chest, as I finally start to notice something that’s off._ _ _ _ _ _

____Rey’s entire body looks rigid, like she’s being electrocuted or something. I rip the blanket off to see that all of her limbs look tensed, her neck strained as he eyes move rapidly behind her closed eyelids. I grab ahold of her hand, which is also stiff as a board._ _ _ _

____“Rey, wake up,” Finn says sternly, shaking her a bit more. Her eyes suddenly snap open as she lurches forward, her hand falling away from mine._ _ _ _

____She breathes heavily, her eyes wide with a look of fear that makes a chill go down my spine, until she sees Finn kneeling in front of her._ _ _ _

____“You’re ok,” he tells her as she leans forward slightly into his hold, a look of unbearable relief sinking through her. I just sit here and stare at them, dumbfounded._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry,” she says, sounding out of breath. “I don’t know what…”_ _ _ _

“They started again?” Finn asks, his face filled with concern. She nods, pushing herself up until she’s sitting. “Rey, why didn’t you _tell _me? How long has this been happening?”__

________“Somebody needs to tell me what the fuck is going on!” I intervene, my frustration getting the best of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Rey jolts her gaze over to me, looking almost as if she forgot I was there. _The hell? Where did she think I was? _But then that look of relief washes over again briefly as she looks me in the eye, chillingly reminding me of the look she gave me when she saw me at the bottom of the stairs when I had come to get her from the sick bastard who took her two years ago.__

__________“Kylo,” she sighs, sounding as if she had to explain something she really doesn’t want to get into. But I don’t give a shit. I don’t know what just happened, but whatever it was was more serious than just Rey having a bad dream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Does he know…” Finn begins, trailing off and looking at Rey worriedly. She shakes her head at him and he sighs as well, closing his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s kind of a long story,” Rey says before I can demand someone to tell me what just happened. “Now’s not really the time to get into all-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” I scoff in disbelief. “Am I supposed to act like that was no big deal? Rey you looked like you couldn’t fucking move!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It was just a nightmare,” she says firmly. Finn looks like he’s about to protest, but she glares at him. “They’ll go away, just like they did before.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Rey, last time you couldn’t sleep by yourself for months,” he counters. “I think I would know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I was young,” she shrugs. “I didn’t know how to handle it then, I do now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I think Finn can tell I’m about to lose it, because he finally starts explaining._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“She used to have nightmares, back when we were younger. About her foster home, the one back in Jakku.” He looks at me carefully. “She… told you about all that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes,” Rey quickly answers as anger begins curling through me when I remember what Rey told me about what happened to her back in her first foster home. The night she told me was the only time she’d ever talked to me about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well… why are they happening now?” I ask, carefully suppressing my rage. She shakes her head, leaning back and slumping against the couch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t know. They only started a couple months ago, so I don’t think it’s because of… well, everything that happened with Evans. But maybe it is. Anyway, the point is, they’ll go away. They did before. As long as I don’t give them any attention, they’ll stop.” With that, she stands up, turning and heading toward the kitchen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Finn stares off after her, still looking a little fearful, while I try to sort out everything that just happened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How did you know something was wrong?” I ask him. “I mean… how could you see how… off she looked?” He just shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head as he watches her walk off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I had to help her through all of this for a long time. I started noticing what she looked like when she was having one of the dreams. Some of them are way worse though. She’s either all tensed up like that, or… she’ll thrash around a lot.” My blood goes cold as I think of her going through all of this without me for the past few months. _Why didn’t she tell me?!_

____________There’s no way she would be able to thrash around without me waking up, but it’s perfectly possible, and probable, that she went tense like that and I didn’t notice a thing. Fuck, she could have done it while I was still awake. I didn’t even see._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They aren’t just nightmares,” Finn clarifies, looking at me seriously. “They’re… real for her. That’s all she ever told me when she woke up, is how she thought they were real. She couldn’t breath, sometimes she woke up choking…” I feel pain shoot through me as my stomach become slightly sick. “For a while, I was really worried about her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stand up, turning to follow her to the kitchen. I know Finn is trying to tell me what I need to look out for I guess, but I can’t stand it. I need to hear from her what the hell is going on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It bothers me that I didn’t know about this until now, and most likely would never have known about it unless this had happened. Fuck, if Finn hadn’t have been in the room, I would have just sat there while she was asleep in whatever sick hell she couldn’t escape from._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I walk in to find her taking the ice cream out of the fridge._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I really don’t want to talk about it right now, Kylo,” she says as I walk up to her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why won’t you talk to me about this?” I ask, though it comes out sounding more like a demand. “You tell me about everything, why not this? Do you not trust me or something?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, of course I trust you,” she says, looking aghast that I would even consider such a thing. “I just really don’t want to think about this any more than I have to.” She plunks two scoops into a bowl, grabs a spoon, and walks over to the table in the middle of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I of all people know the feeling of not wanting to share everything about your life with someone. But I can’t help feeling extremely aggravated by not knowing whatever kind of personal pain Rey is holding onto with all of this. It makes me sick to think she won’t tell me when she’s obviously suffering._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think if you talk about it with me, it will help it go away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I can tell she’s trying not to make this a big deal, when it is. She twirls her spoon through the ice cream as she stares blankly down into it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll try, Kylo,” she says, her voice almost breaking a bit. “I just really don’t want to talk about it right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I sigh, trying desperately to control the frustration teeming through me. She can be so damn stubborn sometimes, it drives me crazy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I move to sit down next to her, my hand resting on her arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey,” I begin, my eyes boring into hers, “when something like this is happening, you need to tell me.” I bite back the anger of not knowing what is making her so afraid. “If you don’t want to tell me about everything right now, that’s fine, but if you’re this afraid and… if you’re _hurting _like this, you have to let me know.”__

______________She stares back at me, her eyes softening. That same look of fear crosses her expression again, and I’m afraid she’s going to keep refusing, but to my relief, she finally nods._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Ok,” she says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be this worked up over it.” I almost laugh with incredulity, shaking my head at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey, how the hell am I ever going to convince you how important you are to me?” I ask, pulling her close to me. She rests her chin on my shoulder as her arms slowly wrap around me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I don’t know,” she laughs. “I guess I should know by now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	9. Chapter 9

Rey P.O.V.

After Poe comes downstairs and Leia and Han come back inside, we all sit out on the couch and watch Black Christmas for the rest of the night. The original of course. I realize I haven’t watched a horror movie in too long, so cuddling up on the couch between Kylo and Finn and watching sorority girls get stalked and murdered in good old seventies slasher style, is quite refreshing in a way. Besides, the beautiful Christmassy tone of the film really puts me in the holiday mood. Despite the horror and murder.

Thankfully, Kylo doesn’t ask me anymore about the nightmares. I can’t believe I made such a fool out of myself in front of him and Finn. Of course, another nightmare had to hit me when I was just trying to get some rest after the long week. And I had to have an audience for it. 

I know how hard it must be for Kylo to not know exactly what’s wrong. It irks him to no end whenever I don’t tell him something. Maybe I will feel better if I tell him about the nightmares. But here and now just doesn’t seem like the right time or place.

After the movie, we all head up to bed. I actually had forgotten about how small the bed in Kylo’s old room is. And Kylo’s so big, he pretty much takes up the whole thing, so I guess it’s a good thing I’m a fairly slim woman.

“How is this going to work?” he asks as we both stand beside the bed, contemplating the situation. “I don’t even think two children would be able to sleep in here.” I bite my lip, narrowing my eyes down at the single person bed.

“Lay down,” I tell him. He glances up at me briefly before slowly crawling on top of the bed with uncertainty. He kicks the covers down, laying down on his back. I place my hands on my hips, staring down at him and wondering how I could fit myself comfortably next to him.

“Come here,” he says, reaching his hand out to me. I blink down at him before taking his hand. He pulls me down on top of him. I straddle my legs over his waist, trying to scoot myself down where I can lay my head against his chest. My waist roughly rubs between his legs as I move down, and I feel his thighs tense up.

“Sorry,” I laugh, wriggling myself around to find a comfortable position.

“It’s ok,” he grits out as I keep unintentionally rubbing myself against his dick as I lay myself down on top of him. “How’s that?” he asks after I’ve stopped moving.

“I think this might work,” I answer, laying my head down atop his bare chest. “Though I’m going to have to stay on top of you all night.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” he replies, his arm crossing over my lower back. My eyes glance down at the very near edge of the bed. 

“If I move one inch, I’m gonna fall off,” I observe. 

“I’m not going to let you fall off.”

“I’m going to roll over in my sleep and be flat on the floor.” 

“You’re not. Going. To fall.”

I push my head up, leaning my hands against his chest.

“No?” I ask, my lips tracing along his jawline. I feel him smile as the side of my face brushes against his mouth. My tongue trails along his chin as I feel his palms circle around my spread thighs. I take his bottom lip in my mouth, suckling at it as I feel him harden against my abdomen.

My teeth lightly nip at his lip and he sighs sharply, his eyes snapping closed. I grin, tilting my head up slightly before releasing his lip. His eyes open, almost wantingly, before my mouth descends down onto his. His lips open in surprise, and I push my tongue into his open mouth. 

He moans loudly as his legs try closing around my waist. That’s when I pull away, laughing to myself and reaching behind me to fling the covers over us.

“If we start down this road, I have a feeling it will be very uncomfortable,” I tell him, nestling myself against his chest again.

He lays there, no doubt in shock and outrage. I grin against his chin, picturing his bewildered expression.

“You little tease,” he chastises, his hand lightly slapping my thigh. I giggle, rolling my eyes. 

“We’re in your parents house, Kylo. We can’t do anything insane.” 

He still lays still in disbelief for a little bit before slowly circling his arms around me, his cock still hard underneath me, making me all the more smug.

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you, scavenger.” 

* * * 

When my eyes drowsily open the next morning, I realize with great relief that I didn’t have any nightmares throughout the night. I don’t usually have them every night anyway, but I had a feeling that bringing it up to everyone the night before might have retriggered it or something.

I also realize that I am sleeping on top of a person rather than a mattress. An incredibly warm person at that.

I tilt my head up to look up at Kylo, his head lolled to the side, some of his messy black hair across his face as he snoozes peacefully. I smile to myself, laying my head back against his chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat. 

I don’t know how I’m going to tell him about the nightmares. I know it will be the first thing he brings up when we get back home, and he won’t take no for an answer this time.

I close my eyes, wanting nothing more than for this stress to disappear. I start mindlessly picturing my life as a movie, where I only have to spend a small amount of time stressing about something, only to win in the end and live happily ever after. That would be ideal.

I guess I start dozing off again, because I’m suddenly rolling over onto my side, opening my eyes to see the floor rapidly approaching my face.

A strong arm that seems to have come out of nowhere, grips me across the waist right before I topple down to the floor. I reach out and grab onto the sheets as Kylo yanks me back up on top of him. I stare down at him and laugh, feeling like an idiot.

“I told you!” I laugh, burying my face against his chest as he chuckles. “Oh, Force, I literally just fell off the bed, Kylo.” 

“ _Almost _fell off,” he corrects me.__

__“I thought you were asleep,” I say, propping myself back up and looking down at him in confusion. He nods._ _

__“I was.”_ _

__I raise my eyebrows at him, waiting for an explanation. He just shrugs._ _

__“I told you I wasn’t going to let you fall off.”_ _

__“So, perhaps we have some mental telepathic connection, then,” I sigh, laying back on top of him. “We each wake up when the other is about to faceplant off a bed and make a complete fool out of themselves.”_ _

__“Sounds like a pretty cool power to me,” he says, his fingers brushing down my spine. My eyes close when I feel his lips touching against my shoulder. “I’ll always be here for you, my little scavenger.”_ _

__“And I for you, my prince of darkness.” I push myself back up, swinging my feet out from under the sheets and onto the cold hardwood floor. “But for now, I think I could use some breakfast.” He sighs, almost looking disappointed, before he glances over at the clock._ _

__“I don’t think anybody’s up yet. We could sneak it back up here without anyone noticing.”_ _

__“Kylo!” I scold. “How very immature.”_ _

__“You fucking love it,” he taunts, his head turning slightly into the pillow, his eyes grinning mischievously up at me._ _

__“If this is you trying to seduce me back into that bed, it’s not going to work,” I tell him pointedly. “But, I will bring us both breakfast up here if you’re good.”_ _

__“I’ll be good,” he promises, his voice quiet as he smiles excitedly at me with the same boyish grin. I try to keep my own smile off my face before I turn towards the door._ _

__“Just stay there, I’ll be back in a minute.”_ _

__“Will you let me feed you?”_ _

__“Kylo!”_ _

__“Will you feed it to me?”_ _

“ _Kylo Ren! _”__

* * * 

Christmas Eve at the Solo house is quite enjoyable, as always. We spend the day baking a bunch of treats for tonight, shopping for all of the food we need for tomorrow, and wrapping last minute gifts before placing them under the Christmas tree standing by the window in the living room. Chewie somehow manages to get himself up to the counter and snatch up one of the sugar cookies sitting on the cooling trays without us noticing a thing for a little while. He didn’t even shift the tray at all.

We have prime rib for dinner in the huge dining room, even though it’s just the few of us. I still can’t believe how amazing it is in there. It’s even more amazing eating in there with a small amount of people because it feels like we’re eating alone in the dining room of a castle. I remember the first time Finn and Poe came in here a couple years ago, I think for Kylo’s birthday, and they were convinced the room had been imported from an ancient citadel and attached to the house.

We all gather in the living room after everything has been cleaned up and put away. Chewie lays down in front of the fireplace, Han and Leia sit on the large sofa chair, Finn and Poe curl up with each other on one side of the couch, while Kylo and I sit with each other on the other side. We watch all the Christmas television specials, and then A Christmas Story, which is pretty much what Finn, Poe, and I watched every year on Christmas Eve.

We go to bed early, just because it’s tradition, and it would feel weird to stay up too late on Christmas Eve. I can tell Kylo is nervous for his uncle arriving tomorrow. I don’t feel too anxious about it anymore. From what Kylo’s described, my mind automatically pictured Luke Skywalker as some withered old man, extremely traditional and strict, like an old school teacher or something. 

But in reality, I don’t know what I’m supposed to expect.


	10. Chapter 10

Luke P.O.V.

I know it’s been entirely too long since I’ve visited Han and Leia. In all truthfulness, I became so lost in my work in Ach-To, I’d almost forgotten there was any other part of the world. That’s not good. Perhaps there is a part of me that wants to stay away from all of this. A part of me that believed Ben when he had told me repeatedly he could take care of himself and figure things out on his own. And it was comforting to hear from Leia that things were getting better. But it’s possible I used that as more of an excuse rather than an encouraging bit of news. 

Still, being thousands of miles away and only calling Leia once a week isn’t enough. 

It must have been six or seven years since I last stood outside this house. The closest I ever came to coming back was two years ago, when I had heard about Ben helping to take down that serial killer. But Han thought it best just to let things play out on their own for a little while. From what I’d heard, everything was alright. 

Leia is the one to greet me at the door, of course. Her mouth twists into a half smile, her eyes twinkling with that warmness that glows through her whenever she gazes upon someone she cares for deeply. One thing about Leia, is that she can’t ever hide what she’s feeling. You’ll be the first to know if she’s happy, confused, angry, or upset. 

“Luke,” she breathes in relief as we embrace.

“ _Leia. _”__

__“It’s been too long. You can’t stay away like this.”_ _

__“I know,” I answer as we pull away._ _

__“I’m serious. We need to figure this out, soon.” I nod, grinning slightly at my stubborn sister._ _

__“Perhaps, but today is probably not the day,” I suggest._ _

__As if on cue, an incredibly hairy canine comes bounding down the hall, leaping up with joy before I can even get through the door._ _

__“Chewie!” I exclaim, surprised at what a relief it is to see the old dog again. I reach down to scratch behind his ears as he laps at my face._ _

__“He’s been waiting for two weeks to see you, so don’t expect him to leave you alone the whole time you’re here,” I hear a familiar voice say as I finally make my way into the house, Chewie still pawing at my legs. I look up to see Han standing outside the kitchen, unable to keep a small grin off his face._ _

__We embrace only for a few seconds. Han never likes to get too emotional, even though I can tell he’s happy to see me. I feel my heart suddenly lurch to my throat when finally reconciling with my best friend after too many years._ _

__“How are you, Han?” I ask, looking into the eyes of my contented, yet weary friend._ _

__“Well, you know me,” he says, shrugging. “I’m never better.” I roll my eyes, but grin anyway._ _

__I turn and glance into the living room where I see Ben standing near the couch along with a young woman and two other young men standing near the fireplace._ _

__His eyes shift away when I approach him and I hear Han and Leia go into the kitchen, probably in an effort to give us some privacy._ _

__“How have you been, Ben?” I ask, taking the hand he offers me. He’s never been one for hugging, of course._ _

__“Good,” he answers. “It’s good to see you.”_ _

__“It’s good to see you,” I tell him honestly. He turns slightly to the woman standing beside him, touching his hand to her back as she steps forward._ _

__“This is my girlfriend, Rey Kenobi,” he tells me as she holds her hand out._ _

__I have to stop myself from freezing and staring wide-eyed with shock at the poor girl once I hear her full name. Instead, I force myself to take her hand and return the broad smile she gives me._ _

__“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” she says politely as I try to silently determine if I’d heard her name correctly._ _

__“You as well,” I manage out. “I’ve heard so much about you.” I glance briefly over at Ben, who looks anxious more than anything, though obviously trying to hide it. “Rey… Kenobi, you said?” The young woman nods, her expression becoming a bit puzzled._ _

__I grin back at her, deciding it would be extremely odd for me to start asking her about her family history._ _

__The two other young men in the room introduce themselves as Finn and Poe, close friends of Rey’s that I remember Leia telling me about._ _

__We spend the afternoon sitting out in the living room, talking and catching up. Leia of course wants me to share everything I’ve been doing in Ach-To, which is mostly just me meditating, occasionally working with the locals who live in the town I live near, and surviving off the land. I had gone out to Ach-To in an attempt to connect more closely to myself and the Force, perhaps to feel a greater sense of peace. Or maybe I just needed time to myself._ _

__I thought all of this would sound quite boring to most people. But Rey seems extremely fascinated by it all._ _

__She asks me about the Jedi religion, why I follow it, how it helps me to find peace. She even asks me tons of questions about where I live._ _

__“It’s quite beautiful,” I tell her. “I’ve never been anywhere so alive with the Force. It’s easy to connect with the world around you when everything looks so… magnificent.”_ _

__“I’d love to go there one day,” she tells me. “I’ve heard it’s breathtaking. I’ve had a friend from work who went there once, she said the ocean is amazing there.”_ _

__“Your friend is right,” I agree. “I’ve set myself up on one of the tallest mountains just so I can view as much of it as possible.”_ _

__“Can I ask you something?” she inquires hesitantly after a moment. I nod. Her eyes implore with curiosity, as if this is a question she’d been wondering about for a while. “How are you… aware of it all? The Force and everything. How can you feel it the way you say you do?”_ _

__I sigh knowingly, remember asking Obi-Wan the same question myself many years ago. And I know he was probably thinking the same thing I am now: there’s no way to explain the Force to anyone, without them feeling it themselves._ _

__“It’s something that’s always there,” I begin to describe. “Once you’re connected with it, you feel it everywhere you go, in every living thing around you. Some try to understand how it all works, while others just want to experience it, and worship it in a way.”_ _

__“What do you do?” she inquires._ _

__“Well, I was trained to attempt to understand it. It’s something I still have to work at, everyday. You can never fully interpret it, at least not in this lifetime.” She grins, but nods in understanding._ _

__“I’ve never really known anyone who followed the Jedi religion,” she says, her eyes still alight with curiosity._ _

__“Well, Luke can grace us with tales of his adventures over dinner,” Han calls out, coming in from the kitchen. “Turkey’s ready.”_ _

__

__We eat Christmas dinner in the dining room. This time, I try to push the discussion toward Ben and Rey. Ben of course seemed a little reluctant to talk about it, but I ended up getting most of the story from their friend Poe, who was more than happy to tell me the tale._ _

__We open presents after dinner. Finn and Poe take charge of this event as well. They’re quite amusing, I have to admit._ _

__Leia had told me Rey is just as obsessed with movies as Ben is, so I decided to get them both passes to the movie theater for the year. Rey was extremely excited about this, and even Ben was smiling at how animated she was._ _

__Watching how Ben is with Rey, I can see what Leia was talking about when she had told me it seemed as if his entire outlook had changed. He cares about her a lot, more than I think even he thought he would care about anyone. It’s as if they’re connected somehow, are able to understand each other without saying a word. I can tell it takes a great amount of stress off him, to have someone there who he trusts completely. Someone he can talk to. Someone not related to anything in his past, not connected to him at all. Someone he was able to find on his own._ _

__That’s all I’ve ever wanted for Ben. For him to make a connection with someone who could take his mind off everything he had been worrying so much about for years of his life. To find some way for him to reconnect with himself and his life. I don’t know if he’s told her about everything that has happened with my father, but I’d be surprised if he hasn’t._ _

__But more than anything, it’s a great relief to just see him be happy. I remember Obi-Wan telling me it was rare for my father to ever smile more than once every few weeks towards the last months of his life. It worried me to see such strong signs of my father’s mental stress in Ben starting at such a young age and lasting throughout most of his life. But it looks like now, he finally has some source of real happiness and security. He even seems more connected with his parents than before._ _

__Now, there’s only one thing plaguing my mind._ _

__I wait until everyone has gone up to bed, asking Leia to stay down with me for a moment. I can’t tell if she knows what I’m going to ask, but I can’t believe she hadn’t brought this up to me before._ _

“Rey _Kenobi? _” I ask after we’ve stepped out into the backyard, where Chewie is still roaming around the large, grassy field. Her eyes shift to the ground as she sighs.__

______“I know,” she answers. “Believe me, when I first hired her all those years ago, I was in the same state you are. It took all I had not to ask her what she knew about her family history on her first day of work.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____“Well, who are her parents?” I ask, feeling a jolt of eagerness run through me. “Do they live here?”_ _ _ _

____“She has no parents,” Leia answers. “At least none she knows of. I found that out about a year or so after I hired her. We became rather close, and she explained everything to me. She was left at an orphanage in Jakku when she was an infant.”_ _ _ _

____“Jakku?” I question, surprised at the rural desert location, miles and miles away from here._ _ _ _

____“After she told me that, I looked into everything. I contacted the orphanage, had people look into all the records. No one ever saw anyone actually leave her there, she was just found on the doorstep, with nothing but a card with her, telling her first and last name.”_ _ _ _

____I lean against one of the patio chairs, my brain rapidly trying to find some explanation, some way any of this is possible._ _ _ _

____“She has to be related to him,” I say, not a doubt in my mind in that respect. “I can sense it. I can see him in her.” Leia grins fondly._ _ _ _

____“I know. She even has that charming Obi-Wan wit that we all love so much.”_ _ _ _

____I chuckle despite myself, but quickly frown again, shaking my head._ _ _ _

____“It doesn’t make sense. Obi-Wan never wanted to have any kids, he didn’t even have a wife-” I stop, suddenly remembering something. “What about back before he met Anakin? He told us about that woman, Satine. He said she was the only woman he ever considered spending his life with.” Leia nods, looking as if she had considered this before._ _ _ _

“It still makes no sense. They never had _children _. Besides, that was years ago, like you said, before he even met our father.” I close my eyes, briefly reaching out to the Force for some possible ghost of an answer.__

________“I think I might find more information if I go to Mandalore,” I tell her. “Satine was an important political figure there, she must still have family living there. Maybe even whoever Rey’s parents are. She’s the only person I can think of who would possibly know more about Obi-Wan than we do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______Leia looks almost hesitant for a moment, but then nods._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That might be a good idea. But we mustn’t mention any of this to Rey. I won’t get that poor child’s hopes up if we end up not finding anything. Or finding something we don’t like. There may be a reason she was kept away from her parents.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I agree. We shouldn’t worry her with it now. I’ll get over there as soon as I can and start piecing this together.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Leia shakes her head, a resigned look filling her expression._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey needs a family,” she says, her eyes filling with worry. “She always acts as if it makes no difference to her, but she reads like a book. She has us and she has Ben, but I know it would mean everything to her to have family of her own, of her blood.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I nod, understanding more than anyone of the feeling of wanting to know you weren’t just some being that popped out of nowhere. Back before I knew about my parents, I used to think I was alone in the way that I had no one on this earth connected to me at all. It’s quite a lonely mindset._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’ll do everything I can,” I promise. “I know you’ve tried everything already, but I’m sure I can find out more about Obi-Wan. There has to be some explanation for all of this. I mean, how many people do you know have the last name Kenobi?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______This gets her to chuckle a bit._ _ _ _ _ _

______“True,” she nods. “I know there has to be a connection.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s true. There’s no way this is all just one big convenience. I can at least sense that much._ _ _ _ _ _


	11. Chapter 11

Rey P.O.V.

“I don’t know why you were so worried about me meeting Luke,” I tell Kylo after I’ve finished brushing me teeth and he steps out of the shower. “He seems really cool. Funny too.”

“Well, you didn’t have him down your throat for twenty years,” he says, grabbing a towel. “He’s normal to you and your friends-”

“ _Our _friends.”__

__“He’s normal to you and our friends, he treats me like he thinks I’m about to flip out every second.”_ _

__I raise my eyebrows, silently putting my things away in the bathroom bag._ _

__“He probably just cares about you,” I reply quietly. Kylo looks up at me through the mirror. I pretend not to notice, continuing to put my things away. “Don’t put any clothes on,” I say nonchalantly before walking out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He stares off at me as I go, probably not expecting the sudden subject change._ _

__“It’s cold!” he calls back to me, though I can tell he’s grinning._ _

__“Did you know it’s easier to preserve body heat by taking all your clothes off?” I ask him, smiling contentedly to myself as I pull the comforter on the bed back._ _

__“Really?” he asks, walking into the room as I fall back onto the bed, staring up at him. “Are you all smart now from you’re one college class you took?”_ _

__“Yes, Kylo,” I say sarcastically, narrowing my eyes at him. “Because that was all we talked about in gender studies, ways you can stay warm. It’s not like it’s common knowledge or anything.”_ _

__“You know, you’re being a real smartass,” he tells me as he crawls on top of me, his hands securing around my shirt and peeling it off._ _

__“Get over here,” I tell him, pushing him over onto his side. I scoot over to the edge of the bed, moving onto my side as well so that we’re both lying beside each other, our noses practically touching because the bed is so small._ _

__I reach up to run my hand through his wet hair, combing my fingers through the soft black locks. I gently plant kisses along his jaw, across his chin, over his lips. I lean over to trace my lips along the scar lining the side of his face, over his eye. I feel him smile as I continue kissing along his forehead._ _

__“I thought we weren’t supposed to do this in my parents’ house,” he reminds me as my lips travel down the bridge of his nose._ _

__“I thought I’d be able to hold out longer,” I answer him. I rub my face against his as my mouth finds its way back to his lips while my palm strokes the back of his neck._ _

__I bring my hand round to the front of his neck, my fingers tracing down his throat as I stroke down to his chest. His dark brown eyes stare down at me as I touch him across his chest, down his stomach. My hand lingers across his abs before dragging down below his waist._ _

__His eyes close as I softly caress between his legs. My other hand goes to card through his hair while I stroke down his length, grinning smugly when I hear him moan quietly._ _

__I lean in and kiss him firmly on the lips, my grip tightening on his hair and between his thighs._ _

“ _Rey _,” he whispers pleadingly as I stroke him faster. I pull his hair lightly, making him gasp sharply as his hips thrust forward. I laugh quietly, continuing to knead his length between my fingers.__

______“I think I’m getting better at this,” I say teasingly as he begins writhing against the bed._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Fuck _,” he curses in agreement, making me giggle again.__

________I feel him beginning to twitch in my hand, causing me to feel an aching need to take care of my own growing arousal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey,” he says warningly, struggling to shift his position somehow as he gets close to his finish. I move so that I’m underneath him, still keeping ahold of him as he shakily hits his climax, spending himself down my leg._ _ _ _ _ _

______I glance down as he hovers above me, his face buried in my shoulder. He breathes heavily, barely keeping himself from crushing down on top of me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That was lovely,” I smile, biting my lip from laughing._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Did it get on the bed?” he asks a bit too loudly, still quite out of breath, but sounding incredibly alarmed. I laugh harder at his question as he lifts his head up. I reach up to cup my hand to the side of his face._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo, you are absolutely perfect, you know that?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He scoffs at this, slowly sitting back up._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah,” he answers skeptically. He stumbles off the bed, rather clumsily. “Don’t move, I don’t want to have to wash the sheets tomorrow and have everyone guessing what happened.” I chuckle, rolling my eyes as he grabs a towel from the bathroom and wipes off my leg._ _ _ _ _ _

______I shriek as he lifts me up off the bed and lays down beneath me before settling me on top of him. He kisses my forehead before pulling the covers up over us._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know, you’re surprisingly very comfortable to sleep on,” I comment, feeling my body relax as I’m embraced by his warmth._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m glad to be of service,” he answers wittily._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Really, what would I do without you?” I grin. “I’d be so cold every night, I can’t even remember what it was like sleeping alone.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______His arms pull me closer against him, his lips ghosting through my hair as I close my eyes blissfully._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you,” he says quietly._ _ _ _ _ _

______My eyes open in surprise, caught off guard by his suddenly somber tone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“For what?” I ask, wanting to turn and look up at him, but finding it difficult to move myself for some reason. He sighs, his hands mindlessly stroking my back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“For… existing.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I stare blankly down at the corner of the room, my hands gripping tightly to his shoulders as an odd feeling of possessiveness flows through me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you,” I tell him, the words coming forth before I can even react, wanting to reassure him for some reason._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you too,” he answers. My mind is telling me I should say something else to him, but I don’t know what._ _ _ _ _ _

______We fall asleep after a few minutes, him tracing his fingers up and down my spine while I stare out the window beside his bed at the group of trees outlining the large, grassy fields surrounding the isolated house._ _ _ _ _ _


	12. Chapter 12

Rey P.O.V.

“So, how long is Luke staying?” Finn asks me as he hands me the next basket of books.

“I think the next couple of days,” I reply, taking the basket from him and setting it on the fold out tables, quickly beginning to unload the books into the racks. “I know Han and Leia really want to catch up with him. He lives all the way in Ach-To, so he hasn’t come down for a few years.”

“Have you see him at all since Christmas?”

“Yeah, they all came to our house for lunch the other day.”

He walks up around to the front of the table, setting up the books in the correct order.

“What do you think Kylo’s problem is with him?” he asks me, looking up at me. I shrug, focusing on organizing the books.

“I don’t know. There’s a lot of family history I think that’s a little beyond me. It obviously goes way back years and years.” I sigh, my hands slowing slightly as I grab more books out of the bin. “I wish he’d just tell me what’s wrong though,” I comment. “I feel like he isn’t telling me everything and that’s why I’m not understanding him, you know?”

Finn nods, his eyes studying me carefully. I know this means he wants to say something he doesn’t know how to tell me.

“What?” I ask, stopping to narrow my eyes, willing him to tell me whatever it is on his mind. 

“Well,” he starts, crossing his arms. “You could say the same thing about yourself.” 

I stare at him, about to ask him what in the hell he means by that, but my mouth slowly closes as my eyes drop to the floor.

“Your nightmares?” he clarifies, still looking at me pointedly. “Have you told him about all of that yet?”

I close my eyes, knowing he’s right and feeling a bit guilty.

“No,” I answer.

“I’m surprised,” he says, shaking his head. “I thought he would have gotten it out of you as soon as you got home.”

“He certainly tried,” I reply quietly, remembering having to fend off Kylo’s insistent questioning about the nightmare I had while at Han and Leia’s house.

“Why don’t you want to tell him?” he asks me with concern. “I mean… you love him don’t you?”

“Yes,” I answer, staring at him in confusion.

“Well, don’t you want him to know?”

I exhale in exasperation, turning back to the table. 

“Of course I do, I just thought that conversation could wait a few years. I already told him a little bit about what happened-”

“But not everything.”

I don’t answer, knowing I don’t have to.

“Rey, I know it’s something you don’t like to talk about, but I really think he’d want to know. I mean, if Poe were keeping something like this to himself, I’d want him to tell me everything. I’d be worried sick.”

“I know I should tell him, but… I don’t want him to know. I know that sounds bad, but I can’t stand having to tell people about it.” He grins at this.

“Rey, you were able to tell me.” I smile to myself, shaking my head. 

“Yes, and it was humiliating.”

“You shouldn’t be humiliated in front of him. And I know he would tell you the same thing.”

“I know.” 

“Hey you two, back to work!” Poe calls over to us as he approaches with two new boxes.

“Pardon me, but I believe I’m in charge here,” I tell him as he plants the boxes down on the floor beside the table.

“Well ma’am, we only have a couple more boxes that Rose has no idea what to do with.”

“Just tell her to keep them in the back, we’ll bring them out once we’ve hopefully gotten rid of most of the books on the front tables, cause we want to keep them full.”

We’re holding a book sale at the library all week this week to raise money for education for homeless children. With our generously increased budget, we were able to advertise all over town and in multiple schools, so we’re hoping to get a fairly large crowd once all the schools let out.

“Sure thing,” Poe nods. He turns to walk off, but stops and turns to face me. “Since you’re the boss, and hands down, my best friend…”

“Yes?” I ask skeptically, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Do we have permission to take a break and possibly make out in the bathroom?” he asks, grabbing ahold of Finn’s arm and dragging him along with him. I roll my eyes.

“Once you make sure all of the displays are finished, you can go and do what you want until three o’clock, because you two are working the register.”

“Right on!” Poe exclaims, zooming off with Finn in tow.

* * * 

“ _Stop! _” I cry out, the sound tearing out of my throat in a desperate shriek. I feel the floor scraping beneath me as my body is hauled across the room.__

“ _I’ll teach you to steal from me, _” Unkar’s voice growls from above me.__

“ _I didn’t take anything from you, you bastard! _” I scream, my hands clawing at his as he drags me toward the cellar by my hair. I know I need to be able to see what’s going on, but I can’t seem to force my eyes open.__

________I hear the door to the cellar tear open with a deafening creak that seems louder than I remember it being._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _You’ll be lucky if I let you out this time, girl, _” he spits before I feel him release my hair, tossing my forward.__

__________My body cracks against the stairs as I tumble forward, painfully hitting each stair before I feel myself land on the cold soil. My eyes snap open, turning toward the source of the bright gold light pouring into the darkened basement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I’m just able to make out a shadowy figure standing in the entryway before the wooden door slams closed, the light disappearing as instantly as if it were never there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I scream as loud as I can, my fingers tearing madly at the ground, as if I could be able to dig myself out to some kind of escape tunnel. I feel the dirt pushing in under my nails as my hands press harder against the unrelenting ground, until my fingers finally scrape against the wood underneath. Nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I collide against one of the mold covered walls, my fists slamming against the rotted wood, hoping I might be able to punch through it somehow, even though I know it won’t do me any good. I’ll just end up inside a wall, and I can’t punch through cement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My body collapses against the dirt as I pant heavily, my feet kicking angrily against the wall, maybe in some last hopeless effort to get out, or a half hearted attempt to keep my muscles from beginning to ache against the mercilessly cold air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

My head drops to the side as my limbs finally give up, falling limp at my sides in resignation. _There’s no way out. The only way out is if he lets me out._

____________I stare blankly off toward the far side of the room. Or what I think is the far side of the room. All I can see is black, so the room could go on for miles and I’d be none the wiser._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There’s no one here. I could be down here forever. _I’m alone…_

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I feel a pair of strong hands gripping my arms as my eyes slowly open, taking in the room around me. The icy cold feeling is gone, replaced by a rather uncomfortably stuffy feeling as I feel my body is drenched in sweat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I blink a couple times, trying to bring everything into focus, when I feel Kylo’s familiar touch, pulling my hair away from my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I stare up at him, realizing my chest is heaving for air. I try pushing him away so I can sit up, but he just grips his arm around me and pulls me up, moving over as I can lean against him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Did it happen again?” he asks me, his voice sounding impressively wide awake for, what has to be three or four in the morning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What?” I ask, my hand going to my face to rub the sleep out of my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You had another nightmare,” he answers, still holding me firmly against him, as if he were afraid I might take off running or something. I don’t answer, because he obviously already knows._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________We sit there for a moment while I calm down and try to cool off. I don’t know what happened while I was sleeping, but I can see that the covers are all but thrown from the bed, which doesn’t give me much hope that I had been suffering silently. Obviously, I had woken Kylo up and he had to wake me up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’m sorry,” I say, the words being the only thing that come to my mind to say to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Are you going to tell me what happened?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I close my eyes, feeling a slight jolt of discomfort in telling him about any of this. But I remember what Finn had told me earlier today. I shouldn’t feel like I need to hide anything from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I carefully tell him everything that happened in the dream, trying to leave out any lingering details. I know that talking about it more will only make them keep happening. That’s probably why I had one tonight, because I started thinking about it once Finn had brought it up today._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Did that really happen?” Kylo asks after I’ve finished telling him, a hint of anger underneath his tone that he’s obviously trying to hide._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“A couple times,” I answer. “Of course, in reality I was younger, in the dream I’m the same age I am now.” I shake my head in frustration. “Whatever that’s supposed to mean.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He pulls me closer against him, his hand resting against my head as I lay down against his shoulder, and I can tell he knows how scared I am, even though I’m trying to downplay it as best I can so I don’t freak him out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“So what do we do to make this stop?” he asks me, still sounding as if he’s holding back his anger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You don’t have to do anything. They’ll go away soon, I just have to take my mind off them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He looks down at me, his expression looking as if he thought that was the most ridiculous explanation he could think of._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, you were thrashing in your sleep like you were in pain!” he exclaims angrily. “You were _screaming _for me, I thought something was wrong-”__

________________“I what?” I ask, my stomach jolting at what he’d told me as I sit up straight and look up at him. He returns my stare, now a slightly pained look coming across his eyes that makes my heart hurt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You were screaming my name in your sleep,” he explains. “I thought someone was _hurting _you, Rey, you scared the fuck out of me.”__

__________________A whole new wave of guilt shakes through me as my head sinks into my hands. This is exactly what I was afraid of. Based on the intensity of the nightmare I had, I’m sure I did sound like I was dying while I was screaming and flailing around in my sleep. But I don’t remember calling Kylo’s name at all. I don’t even remember thinking about him at all in the dream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo, I’m really sorry,” I say again. “I didn’t mean to wake you up or scare you like this, I feel terrible…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Is that why you think I’m mad?” he asks in disbelief, his eyes widening in outrage. “Because _you woke me up?! _”__

____________________He shakes his head as I stare questioningly up at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You are unbelievable, Rey,” he says, his tone softened. I try to grin in an effort to lighten the mood a little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Thank you for waking me up,” I tell him honestly, gripping his hand in mine. His hand slowly rubs down my back before he wraps both his arms around me, laying us back down on the bed. I curl up against him, trying to think of a way to tell him what a relief it was for him to pull me out of that terrifying hell my mind keeps taking me back to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I told you, I’m always here for you, Rey,” he says, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	13. Chapter 13

Kylo P.O.V.

I sit at the dining room table, trying to finish up the work I didn’t get done today. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night after waking Rey, so I haven’t been able to concentrate all day. And a part of me is still deeply shaken by everything that had happened last night. I knew with the way I was holding her, I’d be able to wake up if she started having another nightmare, but for some reason, my mind was telling me to stay awake and watch over her just in case.

I don’t understand how she’s able to go on throughout the day as if nothing had happened. I didn’t even experience the dream, but just from what she told me, I haven’t been able to get my mind off it all day. It didn’t even take her that long to fall back asleep after I woke her up last night.

It’s as if everything I felt from two years ago after we’d rescued Rey from that psychopath, is suddenly back as if it had never left. I hated leaving her alone today, even though she seemed no different than she is any other day, and I’m literally right across the hall from her at work.

All day, I haven’t been able to get the sound of her screaming my name and clawing at the sheets out of my head. I’d neglected to tell her she sounded as if she were drowning or choking as she screamed out for me. I also failed to tell her when she was calling for me, she had been saying _Ben _.__

__I feel her arms around my chest, and some of the stress graciously leaves me as she rests her chin on my shoulder._ _

__“How’s everything going?” she asks, after her lips touch against my neck._ _

__“It could be better,” I answer, reaching back to touch her hand. She hums in agreement, briskly kissing my cheek before standing up._ _

__“Ok, I’m gonna go,” she says, grabbing the keys out of her purse._ _

__“Where?” I ask in confusion, turning back to face her._ _

__“I told you earlier,” she says with a laugh. “I have to go to Party City and buy more decorations for the book sale. Our tables look a little boring, and I think we need to put something outside too to let people know we’re in there.”_ _

__“Do you want me to go with you?” I ask, already standing up._ _

__“That’s ok,” she answers, grabbing her jacket off the couch. “You finish your work. Are we having the leftover casserole for dinner?”_ _

__I stand there for a moment, watching her walk towards the front door, and a weird feeling goes through me. Once again, it’s a feeling I always had in the many months after she had been abducted._ _

__I rarely let her go out alone after everything that happened, but after a while, I started feeling a little better, knowing she was going to come back, and that worrying that someone would take her again is ridiculous._ _

__But for some reason, right now, every instinct is telling me to go with her, as if I won’t see her again once she walks out that door. The thought chills me to my core._ _

__She stares at me expectantly, and I suddenly remember she had just asked me something, though I can’t remember for the life of me what it was._ _

__“Is everything ok?” she asks, carefully analyzing my odd expression._ _

__“Uh… Yeah,” I answer quickly. “I’ll go with you to the store.”_ _

__“Really, you don’t have to,” she insists, pulling her jacket on. “I know how much you hate shopping, and it looks like you have a lot of work to do.”_ _

__“It’s fine,” I tell her, following her to the door. “I think I need to get out of the house anyway if there’s any hope of me getting all this shit done.” This is basically true. I know that if she leaves, I’ll find myself standing by the window, waiting for her to pull up, rather than getting any work done._ _

__“Well…” she says skeptically as we walk out to her car in the driveway, “if you think you won’t be terribly bored.”_ _

“Of course not,” I answer, forcing a small grin. _Damn, I need to calm down. _“If anything, I’ll probably help it go a lot faster.”__

______“That’s the truth,” she laughs as we get into the car. “The first thing you see, you grab and then we’re out the door.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____It’s true, I’ve never been a great shopper. In my eyes, if you find something suitable in the first five minutes, why waste your time looking around at anything else? The longest I’ve shopped for is when looking for something to get Rey for her birthday or Christmas._ _ _ _

____This train of thought suddenly brings my mind to the thought of looking for an engagement ring for her. Shit, I didn’t even think about that. I don’t even know what kind of ring she would like. I’ve never seen her wear rings. Would she even want one? Would she want to wear a wedding band?_ _ _ _

I look down at my own hands that have never come close to touching a ring. Would _I _want to wear a wedding band?__

________I shake my head, bewildered by the thought._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Of course I would want to._

__________I shove all those worries to the back of my mind as Rey drives us toward where Party City is. I don’t have to think about this until much later, when I’ve actually figured out where and how I’m going to propose. Which is a whole other ordeal I’ll have to decide on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	14. Chapter 14

Kylo P.O.V.

“Alright, let’s do this shit!” Poe hollars, opening the second bottle of vodka for the chain of margaritas he’s making. Finn takes two of them and brings them over to the coffee table in the living room, where the New Year’s Celebration is currently playing on the flatscreen. We usually do most of our parties at Rey and I’s house, since Poe can be as loud as he wants as late as he wants without getting complaints from anyone in the apartment building. “Kylo, you sure you don’t want one?”

“Positive,” I confirm, perfectly satisfied with the beer I’ve been sipping from most of the night. 

“You’re missing out, my love,” Rey says, sitting beside me on the couch and eagerly grabbing one of the colorfully filled glasses. “He makes these better than any bartender in the city.”

“Yes, and I’m sure he pours more sugar in them than any bartender in the city,” I add as Poe walks over with his own margarita.

“This is true,” Finn admits.

“Ok!” Poe shouts, standing up from the couch almost as soon as he sat down. “Let’s do something fun.” Oh, crap. I know what this means.

“You’re not going to make us play spin the bottle, are you?” Rey asks teasingly. 

“That would be counterproductive,” he tells her. “Since, I think all four of us plan on getting laid tonight, and watching our significant other make out with someone else would definitely kill the mood.”

“Agreed,” Rey replies. “So, what crazy party game have you planned for us tonight then?”

Very quickly after becoming apart of this odd little friend group, I learned they basically never run out of energy when they’re together, and they also like to play a lot of weird games at the number of parties they get together for. Last year at Thanksgiving, Poe had us play this game where we all had to stand in a circle and lock arms, then try to pick up a dollar bill that was laying on the ground and hold it for at least ten seconds without using our hands. It took a lot of improvised engenuity, but I finally figured out how to flip it over onto Finn’s foot, where he did eventually hold it for ten seconds, after dropping it more than a couple times. 

“I’ve got something,” Poe grins, walking over into the kitchen and into the cabinet where he grabs a bowl filled with something. I didn’t even see him sneak that in here. 

“Ugh, Poe!” Rey protests as he comes back with the bowl that I can now see is filled with a bag of candy. “You got Maltesers? Those are disgusting.”

“They’re not for eating,” he reassures her. “Do you guys have four small bowls and some straws?”

“We do,” Rey nods, getting up to go get them from the kitchen. 

“What in the hell is this game?” I ask, staring at the bag with uncertainty.

“Do cereal bowls work?” Rey calls from the kitchen.

“Perfect!” Poe replies, ripping open the bag of candy and tossing the contents into the bowl. They look like small pebbles.

Rey returns with the bowls and Poe passes one to each of us. He then takes out four straws from the pack Rey handed to him and gives us each one of those as well.

“I’m not following,” I tell him, staring down at the straw in my hand.

“That’s because I haven’t told you yet,” Poe replies, making Rey and Finn chuckle. “So, here’s how it goes. Each one of us has to suck up a malt ball with our straw and put it in our bowls. We keep going until they’re all gone. Whoever has the most in their bowls wins. Easy enough, right?”

“Hell yes, let’s go!” Finn shouts excitedly.

“You boys are so going down,” Rey grins excitedly.

“Oh shit,” I say quietly, staring at the large bowl of candy. I already know I’m going to suck at this. No pun intended.

“Alright, starting positions!” Poe calls out. “And while we’re at it, let’s try not to smash out skulls together, shall we?” 

By the time Poe signals for us to start, we all are fishing our straws through the bowl trying to suck up one of these malt balls. But apparently it’s much harder than it seems.

“Ah, what the hell?!” Finn shouts in between breaths as we scramble to suck up the candy. Everytime we manage to suck one up, we’re so out of breath that we can’t hold it in the straw, so it just plops back out. 

Eventually, Poe manages to get a steady rhythm of picking up the candies and placing them in the bowl beside him. Rey watches him carefully and tries to copy his movement, while Finn finds his own method of picking the up, but has a hell of the time getting them back out of the straw and into his bowl. I’ll never know how in the hell he managed to have that problem.

Everyone is so concerned with getting the candy sucked into the straw, but after a while, I’m wondering that, if I suck in hard enough, the candy will go flying up the straw and right down my throat, because the straws are pretty big. The thought for some unknown reason makes me start laughing.

Rey has always told me that my laugh is extremely contagious, and I’ve always told her that probably couldn’t be further from the truth. But I guess it is true because as soon as I start laughing around my straw, maybe a bit hysterically, she had managed to pick up one of the malt balls in her straw, and was just turning her head to drop it into her bowl, when she hears me laugh. 

She lets out a sputtering guffaw, which sends the ball flying out of her straw and right into the side of my face. 

Well, that does it. The three of them simultaneously fall backwards, the straws dropping to the ground as they laugh so hard, I’m afraid they actually stopped breathing.

I’m unable to keep myself from laughing as well as I try to pull Rey back up, but she refuses, her face freezing with her eyes shut and her face in an extremely beautiful smile as she continues laughing, unable to stop.

“I swear, I did not plan this!” Poe manages out, still trying to speak around his laughter.

“Oh, I doubt that,” I tell him, still chuckling a bit as I finally yank Rey up from the floor. 

Well, the game went on for about ten more minutes until all the candies were unceremoniously sucked out of the huge bowl by us. Finn ended up having the most and I had the least. Usually I’m not the game playing type, but this for some reason made me all the more competitive.

So, the next game is one Rey thinks of, where we have to pass an orange to each other just holding it between our chin and neck. I thought this should be relatively easy since there are just four of us to pass it to, but then she informs us that once it gets to the last person, we have to pass it all the way back.

Low and behold, it takes us forever to even get the orange two people down the line. Finn is the first person in the line, and he can’t hold onto that orange to save his life.

“Use your neck muscles!” Rey calls to him from the end of the line.

“The orange is too big!” he calls back to her just before the large fruit tumbles back to the ground with a thump.

“Well it’s the only one we have!” Rey laughs.

“Just drop it onto my neck,” Poe says, bending down so he’s below Finn while Rey giggles at the two of them.

She and I watch the curious method they have of passing a freaking orange, until finally Poe gets ahold of it.

“Ok, got it!” he shouts triumphantly as he turns to me. I lean over and he very nearly drops it before passing it to me. 

It is really big. It almost slips away from me at first, but I crush it down firmly before turning away from Poe and over towards Rey.

“Damn, he must practice,” I hear Finn say as I pass it over to Rey. She leans in under me, desperately trying to get a good grip on the fruit. He cheek brushes up against mine as she struggles it away from me, and I grin to myself, getting an idea.

“Got it, Rey?” Poe asks.

“Barely!” she calls out nervously as she tries to secure her grip on the orange. I’m actually surprised she’s able to hold it all, considering how small she is. “Ok, here I go.”

She turns back to me, preparing to pass the thing back over to me. She leans in, her face scrunched up in an intensely concentrated expression that makes her look quite adorable. I lean in close to her to take the orange, but lift my head slightly to brush my lips against her cheek, kissing her softly on the side of her face.

Apparently I tickled her when I brought my face up to her cheek, because she suddenly shrieks and turns her head sharply away from me, the orange tumbling away from her and landing right on my foot.

I look down at the orange, then back up to her as she laughs uncontrollably, also trying to put on an apologetic look.

“Is it your goal to beat me up with food this evening?” I ask her as she tries to control her giggling.

“You keep distracting me!” she insists.

“That’s true, I saw that,” Finn agrees.

“Ok, ok, let’s continue!” Rey says, reaching down to pick up the orange and then trying to regain her grip with her chin. “And no more sexual distractions.”

“Tell that to Poe, I saw him sneaking his hand around when Finn was trying to pass the fruit to him,” I say, collapsing down on the couch. 

“Hey, ‘pass the fruit to him’ sounds more sexual than anything I could have ever come up with,” Poe chides.

“Get up, we’re not done yet,” Rey says, pulling me back up. “I’m going to finish this game if it kills me!” 

“Does anyone find it extremely fascinating that we all managed to subdue a psychopath with moderate ease, but we can’t manage to be any good at party games?” Finn questions.

“Ease?!” I ask in outrage. “I still have a freaking scar on my face!”

“Shut up you’re drunk!” Poe calls out drunkenly. I guess the alcohol is finally kicking in.

“Kylo, grab the orange already!” Rey shouts. I turn back to her to see her struggling to hold the fruit while waiting for me.

“Shit,” I mutter, leaning down to try and get under her to receive the orange. Once I have it, I whip around towards Poe and try passing it over to him, but something goes wrong.

The orange slips, plopping down onto the ground with a squish that makes me cringe. Especially when I see the spray of juice out of the corner of my eye.

We all stare at the splattered orange on the floor, shredded as if it had been deliberately torn apart. Finn gasps and Rey looks at me as if she thinks I’m about to explode. 

“Ok, before you say anything,” Poe starts, looking over at me, “that was obviously an extremely mentally disturbed orange, because it broke as soon as it touched the floor.”

“It didn’t break,” I tell him. “It freaking exploded!”

“I think you broke it when it landed on your foot,” Finn suggests. I go into the kitchen to grab a paper towel, laughing quietly to myself. _How many beers did I have? ___

__“At least the carpet will smell really good!” Rey calls to me._ _

__

__The rest of the evening goes mostly like this, one disaster after another. But I’ve learned to tolerate and even embrace the insanity that is my girlfriend and her friends._ _

__Girlfriend. That label suddenly seems so minimal. I don’t think I’d call us “boyfriend and girlfriend”. After everything we’ve been through and how long we’ve been together, we’re definitely something stronger than that. I don’t know what the hell I’d call us._ _

_Fiancé. _That’s a much better name. It still feels odd, but better than just_ girlfriend _.__

________These are the thoughts that are running through my mind as we all sit out on the lawn, staring up at the sky and waiting for the fireworks to start. Rey and Finn had the idea to bring out a couple lawn chairs and stuff them full with blankets and pillows so we could all lay out here while we wait for the new year to begin. We left the door open so we could still hear the tv in the background so that we know when the ball drops._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I hold Rey close to me, trying to stop her from shivering against the wintery night air. She has a pair of thick leggings and two sweatshirts on, a pair of crazy fuzzy socks, and I tried to wrap her in as many blankets as possible. She tries burying her face into my arms as much as she can while still being able to see so that her nose doesn’t get cold._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo?” she asks, her slightly muffled voice making me chuckle a little._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She pulls herself slightly out of her cocoon to look up at me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What do you think is going to happen this year?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know what you mean.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She shrugs, laying her head back on my chest._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I was just thinking about all the New Years parties we used to have before you and I got together. I used to sit on the couch at Finn and Poe’s apartment watching the ball drop while they were making out with each other on the balcony. I always thought about where I would be at the end of next year. If I’d still be sitting on their couch or if I’d be somewhere else. Kissing my own boyfriend.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I grin, somewhat smugly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Anyway, I was just wondering if we’d still all be here, doing this next year.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you want to be?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Of course I do. It’s just… well, things change drastically. Look what happened with you and me. One year I was sitting on my friends’ couch like every other year, then the next year you and I were having sex on the couch while the New Year countdown played in the background.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I laugh, shaking my head and hugging her closer to me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re talking like you think we all might die before we get to the end of the year! I think twenty five is a little young for you to be worrying about that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s silent for a moment, and I can tell without looking that she’s biting her lip._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well… perhaps our near death experience has been putting everything into perspective for me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I look down at her with concern, trying to decipher whether or not there was seriousness behind her words._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Has that been on your mind a lot?” I ask her worriedly, hoping she’ll give me an honest answer._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know. A little I guess.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I don’t really know what to tell her. Leia had told us it would probably be good for the two of us to go to some kind of crisis therapy after everything that had happened, but we both insisted we would be fine just getting over it on our own. We used to talk about everything the first few months, and things started to go back to normal as long as we told each other everything we were feeling._ _ _ _ _ _

______I never considered all of those feelings or memories might resurface for her, even after we’ve all but moved on. That might be why her dreams have been so bad lately._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know you can tell me anything,” I tell her, for what probably is the millionth time. “Even if it’s at the most random time in the day or if you think I might be in a bad mood or something…. I don’t care. Just tell me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s quiet for a moment, and I wonder if she’s considering whether or not she wants to tell me about the nightmares. Or perhaps she’s figuring out an excuse why she can’t._ _ _ _ _ _

“I know that,” she tells me, her voice quiet. “I will-… I _want _to tell you everything.”__

_Want? Then why don’t you?!_

____________I’m about to ask her this, when she suddenly looks back over into the house. I refocus my attention to the tv playing loudly in the living room, and realize that the ball is already dropping. Rey grabs my hand excitedly, looking up at the sky in anticipation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I reach over and gently touch the side of her face, turning her toward me. My lips touch against hers when we hear the countdown finally come to an end along with, what is now, last year._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The sound of cheering erupts and the sky suddenly lights up with glittering fireworks of all different colors. Rey and I pull away and she gives me an eager smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I love you,” she tells me, her voice clear even over the boom of the fireworks. She huddles up next to me again, her excited gaze now set on the grand display in the sky._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A dark, scary part of me wonders if what she just told me is true. _If she loves me, why doesn’t she think she can trust me? Have I done something wrong. Is she _afraid_ to tell me?_

________________I quickly shake the sickening thought away, pulling my little scavenger closer to me. If there’s one thing I’m certain of about Rey, it is that she’s willing to put up with a lot of my bullshit. If she didn’t love me, she wouldn’t be here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Still, as I stare up blankly at the colorful sparks in the sky, the feeling doesn’t completely leave my mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	15. Chapter 15

Rey P.O.V.

I quickly finish coloring the posters for the Valentine’s candy sale, tossing the markers back into the container. They need to get over to the site today, and I hadn’t realized they weren’t finished. I’m not sure who was supposed to do them, but it doesn’t really matter right now.

“We almost ready to go?” Mark asks, running into the workroom, Poe right behind him.

“Yes yes, take them,” I say, hurriedly handing all the finished posters off to him and Poe. “Is everyone else ready to go?”

“Yeah, we’re all waiting down in the trucks,” Poe answers. “You said you and Jessika and Rose are coming later today, right?”

“Yes, we have to finish up a few things here and meet with those executives from the GreenLife foundation. But we’ll be there in about two hours.”

“Well, good luck,” Mark offers. “I know Jessika will talk their ears off, so you’re all good there.” 

“Agreed,” I nod, thanking my lucky stars that Jessika is so good at talking to people.

Mark takes off running down the hall, and I grab ahold of the container of markers, turning to put them back in the drawer, but I guess I didn’t close the cap all the way.

I gasp as the markers go flying out of the container, clattering loudly against the tiled floors. 

“Shit!” Poe shouts, reaching out and grasping a green marker while it flies through the air. “Got one.”

“Ok, I’m definitely too worked up today,” I say, reaching down to gather up the fallen markers, grabbing the one from Poe’s hand. “You go, you’re going to be late as it is.”

“Ok,” he says, glancing at me unsurely.

“Don’t worry, I’m ok,” I assure him, grinning slightly at myself. “Even if I may not look like it.”

“Well, you’ve lasted this long,” he shrugs. I nod, standing back up and shoving the markers back into the container and making sure the cap is closed all the way while Poe starts heading down the hall to follow Mark. “Hey, if Finn asks later tonight, tell him I went to go get more supplies for the fundraiser, I don’t want him to know I’m going to get his Valentine's Day present.”

“Got it!” I call back to him, suddenly remembering that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. In three days to be exact.

Jessika walks into the room with a load of papers and an ipad in her hands.

“Ok, I’ve got down everything I want to say during the interview, I think I’ll have enough to cover at least fifteen minutes of straight talking. We won’t give them enough time to refuse our proposal.” 

“I hope so,” I tell her, shoving all the supplies into the drawer by the printers. “Though, I think it’d be best if Rose and I say a few things as well.”

“Well, we’re gonna have to compare notes, because I’ve got an entire address planned out.” I smile to myself.

“At least you’re prepared.”

“For talking, always,” she answers, sitting herself on the table. “It’s why I’ve gone through eight different guys in five months. They always seem to get tired of hearing me babble on and on.”

“Well, then they aren’t worth wasting your time on,” I tell her, sitting beside her on the table as she hands me her notes. “Any man worth having should always be interested in your words of wisdom.” She shrugs, swinging her legs from the edge of the table.

“Perhaps I’ll find some poor lonely soul who got ditched on his Valentine’s date. Those ones are always the best kind. They’re desperate enough to talk to _anyone _who comes their way.”__

__“Nice to hear that lovely amount of sympathy,” I comment, laughing lightly while reading through her notes. “I for one think it would be quite horrible to be stood up on Valentine’s Day.”_ _

__“I know it is. That’s why I would be there to lift their spirits.”_ _

__“Ok, but then you have to worry about what happens after a week or two, when they start to realize all you do is talk.”_ _

__“That’s their problem,” she shrugs indifferently. “If there’s one thing to know about me, it’s that I can move on fairly quickly. If someone isn’t happy, they’re free to walk out the door.”_ _

__“Jessika, what’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had?” I ask her, still grinning at her sarcastic quipping, but generally curious at the same time._ _

__“Nine months,” she answers confidently. “I’ll always remember because it was the length of a pregnancy and about ten times as painful.”_ _

__“Oh, come on,” I laugh, looking up at her. “It can’t have been that bad if you stuck with it for nine whole months.”_ _

“Of course it wasn’t,” she answers truthfully. “It was easily the strongest relationship I’ve ever had. It’s supposed to be painful when you love someone. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be love. It’d just be some random person you hang out with who you’re _nice _to all the time, who you never argue with, who never drives you crazy… that’d just be weird.”__

______She looks back over to me while I continue going through her notes, her words still lingering in my head._ _ _ _ _ _

____“I mean, are you going to sit here and tell me your boyfriend doesn’t make you want to pull your hair out all the time?”_ _ _ _

____“All the time,” I confirm, my voice quiet._ _ _ _

____“Then you see my point. Isn’t that part of why you love him so much?”_ _ _ _

_It is._

________“I guess you’re right,” I tell her, still flipping through her notes, but my attention is elsewhere. “You see, this is what I mean. You’re full of very sagacious information.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sagacious? Where the hell did you pick up that one?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know. Probably a book somewhere. It means intelligent.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You could have just said that.” I roll my eyes, but laugh._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, pardon me. These look good by the way.” I hand her back her notes. “I think it would work best if I introduce everything, you can get into some of your points, maybe show Rose some of the things she could say, and then I can wrap it up.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sounds good. How long do we have?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“About an hour,” I answer, hopping down from the table and going over to one of the computers. “You don’t happen to know how much money we have left over from the book sale, do you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why do we always have to talk work?” she asks, following me over to the computer._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Because we’re at work,” I answer her, opening up the files we have on the account for the book sale._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, we never hang out anywhere other than work, so we should take our opportunity now to catch up,” Jessika decides, sitting down in the chair next to mine._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Wasn't that what we were just doing?” I ask, my attention more focused on looking through the numbers on the spreadsheet in front of me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you have any plans for Valentine’s Day?” she asks eagerly, as if this is the point of discussion she’d had in mind all along._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, I haven’t given it much thought.” She sighs in exasperation. “What?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re telling me you haven’t thought of anything to get your man on the most romantic day of the year?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He never really wants any gifts,” I tell her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, you can just get him candy or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He doesn’t like candy.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jessika looks as if she’s about to argue this, but then sighs in realization._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Right. I forgot, your boyfriend is Kylo freaking Ren.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Mm hm,” I nod. “For three years now.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, what did you do last year for Valentine’s Day?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I don’t think sitting in my office, where I happen to be the assistant manager, while working on a spreadsheet is the right time or place to tell my coworker that I tied my boyfriend to our dining room table and proceeded to indulge in various sexual activities with him for nearly two hours last year on Valentine’s day._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Just the usual I guess. We had a nice dinner and… watched The Notebook.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo Ren watched The Notebook,” Jessika states, looking doubtful._ _ _ _ _ _

______“He did. It was hard, but he… got through it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You haven’t had any ideas for anything to do? Like, somewhere you’ve always wanted to go or do with him? You know, you gotta keep these relationships exciting. You don’t want to start settling down until you’ve been married a few years, or things might get boring for someone.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now you sound like Poe,” I tell her, laughing a bit._ _ _ _ _ _

______“The man knows what he’s talking about,” she affirms. “Speaking of which, why don’t you ask him what you should do? I’m sure he’ll have a slew of ideas.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Once again, I don’t consider this to be the time or place to tell my coworker that I have in fact questioned Poe about good things to do on Valentine’s Day, and that his answers mainly revolved around ways to make sex hotter. I consider my sex life to be exciting enough, even without all the interesting endeavors Poe recommended._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I think it’d be better for me to come up with something on my own, don’t you think?” I ask her. I actually do believe that, but the problem is, I’ve only had one boyfriend in my twenty five years, and I never really got the hang of spontaneous romantic gestures. Even he’s better at it than I am, and he’s supposed to be the iciest person in this building._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah, that’s ideal. But it’s only a couple days away, so you’d better think fast.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______* * *_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo?_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I walk down the stairs and into the living room, plopping down on the couch next to him. He’s reading The Hunchback of Notre Dame._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Have you thought about what we’re doing for Valentine’s Day?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He raises his eyes and stares straight ahead, as if trying to remember something._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I laugh as he looks over at me guiltily._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Agreed,” I answer. “Don’t worry though, a friend at work reminded me, and I was able to come up with something so brilliant, it will rival any and every cute Valentine’s Day date you could ever think of.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is that so?” he asks, going back to his book. “What would that be?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You will find out tomorrow night,” I tell him smugly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Uh huh. Please don’t tell me you got chocolates in a heart shaped box.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, even though any living breathing human being should be incredibly grateful to receive such a blessed gift.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What if they’re allergic to chocolate? Should they still be grateful?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re not allergic to chocolate.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know I’m not, but some people are.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, obviously they wouldn’t be grateful, Kylo. Am I supposed to specify every individual?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Don’t get snippy with me, missy.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, what are you gonna do about it?” I ask, crawling onto his lap. He tries to readjust himself so he can still see the book._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Wow, for once, you’re the horny one,” he says as I spread my legs across his lap._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know, Poe was giving me a lot of very tempting suggestions about things we can try,” I tell him, kissing along the side of his neck until my teeth brush along his ear._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Please don’t ever mention Poe when you’re rubbing against my dick.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Read that book tomorrow, I want to go upstairs,” I tell him firmly, grabbing onto his hair and yanking his head back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can’t read it tomorrow, you said we’re doing something for Valentine’s Day.” I groan, burying my face in his neck as he laughs teasingly. “You’re welcome to sit on my lap until I finish this chapter, and then I will take you upstairs.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You already know what happens, everyone dies at the end except Phoebus and Fleur De Lys. Does Gringoire live?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can’t remember, that’s why I’m reading it again. I’ll finish this chapter and then I will take you upstairs,” he repeats while I incessantly rub myself against him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Or we could just do something here on the couch. Walking all the way upstairs to the bedroom would take too long anyway, don’t you think?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Whatever you want. Just hold your horses until I’m done.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Haven’t you read this before?!"_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s been a while.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I sigh in exasperation, but know I probably won’t be able to win this one._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ok,” I say, turning myself so that I can lay more comfortably across his lap, “but if I fall asleep before you’re done, I’m going to be pissed at you in the morning.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re not gonna be pissed at me on Valentine’s Day.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Mmm,” I sigh to myself, closing my eyes and resting my head against his chest. “I guess not.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I can tell he’s smiling._ _ _ _ _ _


	16. Chapter 16

Rey P.O.V.

I wake up at the bottom of the wooden stairs. I’m guessing I got knocked out when I was thrown down, because my body is laying in an incredibly odd position and my head feels as if a baseball bat slammed into it. 

I dazedly push myself to my hands and knees, give myself a moment for my body to adjust, and then shakily rise to my feet. I wrap my arms around myself as the shock of the cold begins settling in. _I’m so damn skinny, I need more body fat to keep myself warm. ___

__I glare into the direction of the door at the top of the stairs, the only way out of this hellhole. I can’t even remember what he put me down here for this time. I guess it doesn’t really matter._ _

__To my surprise, I feel a lump in my throat and tears begin to sting through my eyes. The only time I’ve ever cried down here was the very first time I got locked in. I don’t know why I’m crying now._ _

__All I can do is stand and stare at the blackness in front of me, only a faint hint of light coming from the bottom of the closed door. I strain my ears as the tears fall down my face, desperate to hear if he’s up there or not. If anyone is up there._ _

__Before I know what I’m doing, my feet are moving up the stairs, my breathing coming in furious huffs until I reach the wooden door. I hurl myself at the blocked exit, my fists smashing against the wood, my voice ripping through my throat in an endless scream of rage._ _

__I pound my fists, my feet, my shoulder, my back, every part of myself against the insanely strong piece of wood, my terror and frenzied shriek continuing. I don’t know if I’m doing this to try and get out, or try to get his attention. Or maybe just to make him angry._ _

__I feel the skin of my knuckles break against the aged wood, but I keep going, even as the feeling of warm blood drips down my fists._ _

__Locked into a trance of some sort, the sound of my screaming begins to fade into nothingness. The world drops away until only the sound of white noise fills my ears, my vision seeing a pattern of colored swirls, as if I were having a headrush. My movements persist, my body hammering against the door, like a machine._ _

__I’m not even completely sure at first if the door swinging open and knocking me back down the stairs is real._ _

__I roll over onto my stomach, trying to regain myself. I try scrambling back up to my hands and knees as I hear angry footsteps marching down the stairs._ _

__A hand grasps my hair and yanks me backward. I land harshly on my back, making me gasp in pain as the sensation vibrates through my body._ _

“ _Stupid girl _,” a voice thick with outrage booms above me. The light coming through the now wide open door only allows me to see an outline of the man who’s tormented me well past the eight years I’ve lived with him.__

______I try getting up, but he has me pinned beneath him. My arms shoot out in front of me to push him off, but his hands crush around my throat, slamming me back against the ground._ _ _ _ _ _

____His grip tightens as my hands claw at his, despite me knowing that will do no good. My heartbeat quickens when he doesn’t release his hold. I hear him chuckle darkly._ _ _ _

“ _How does that feel, girl? You think you’re so smart, causing me all this trouble. _”__

________My legs flail out, trying to find some way to get him off me or at least get him to loosen his grip. My vision blurs as his hands push tighter around my neck. I open my mouth to try taking a breath, but am unable to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _You have no one. I could leave you down here forever and no one would know. I think I just might. The world would go on, no one would miss you. _”__

__________I feel my limbs grow weak, partly from my lack of oxygen, and partly from his words. Because he’s right. I have no one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _And you’d be down here. Alone for the rest of your life. No one would ever come looking for you. _”__

____________The only sensation somehow still running through me is the disgusting stench of the mold filled cellar. It feels as if it’s running through every vein in my body, pinning me down, drowning me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _How does that sound? Would that teach you your lesson? _” He leans down over me, his anger practically steaming from his skin. “_ You’re alive only because of me. You breathe because I allow it. I can easily make sure you never breathe again. Remember that, girl. _”__

________________His hands leave my neck, but I still feel their grip. I lay on the ground, frozen. My breath doesn’t return. My chest fights for oxygen, but I remain unmoving on the ground, as if I were just a lifeless body, hidden away in a cellar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I’ll never get out of here. No one will even notice I’m gone. There’s no one who would even waste their time with me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I’ve never felt so alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________My mind snaps to alertness as soon as I register Rey’s small hand gripping tightly onto my wrist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________My body shoots up from the bed, moving toward her still sleeping form, pulling her toward me to see what’s wrong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her eyes are tightly shut, but her body is in that same, rigid position it was in all those weeks ago at my parents’ house._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey!” I shout, gripping onto her shoulders and shaking her harshly. “Wake up, Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I reach down to stroke her cheek when she doesn’t wake up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Come on baby, wake up,” I whisper desperately, caressing her hair away from her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her eyes snap open, as if she were startled by something. I feel myself relax a little as I continue gently caressing her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You’re ok, you’re right here with me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I wait a moment to let her calm down, but I soon realize she’s not moving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey?” I grab ahold of her again and try turning her to face me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her eyes stare straight ahead as she starts making a strangled wheezing noise. She rolls onto her side as she kicks the sheets off herself and tries rolling off the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey, what’s wrong?” I ask, jumping off the bed and catching her before she falls to her knees. It’s now that I realize she’s gasping for breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I can’t breathe,” she manages out, her voice shaking in fear. Her eyes are wide as she grasps at her throat, panting for air. “Kylo, I can’t…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I quickly snatch her up into my arms and rush toward the stairs. I skip them two at a time as she continues violently choking for oxygen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Once we get downstairs, I run back towards the door to the backyard. In my adrenaline-fused haste, I somehow manage to unlock and open the door in about one second while still holding onto her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I bring her out into freezing, thirty degree night air and walk out into the middle of the yard, setting her down on the icy cold grass._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I step back a bit, but still keep ahold of her arm, watching her carefully, and ready to rush back inside and phone a hospital._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________An avalanche of relief hits me when I see her close her eyes and take a deep breath, her face beginning to fill with color again and her shaking starts to calm down slightly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She continues breathing deeply as she slowly lays her sweat covered body down onto the grass._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I’ve never been at such a loss of what to do. I don’t know if she actually couldn’t breathe or if she was just afraid. I’ve known the kind of dreams you have where you can’t breathe, but it’s never happened to me after I’ve woken up. And I don’t even know what this dream was about, but I know it was something serious. Worse than the others._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I gently touch my hand against her back, hoping she’ll respond to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey?” I ask in a more tentative voice than I thought I was capable of. “Are you ok?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She’s silent for a moment, still trying to catch her breath. But after a few more seconds, she finally sits back up, bringing her knees to her chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She rubs her palms against her forehead, looking as if she doesn’t know what to say or how to explain. I want to tell her she doesn’t have to explain anything, that she can just focus on calming herself down and then get back to bed. But she knows that’s not what I’m going to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I stand up, grabbing both her hands in mine and pulling her up with me. I lead her over to the patio where we sit down on the insanely cold metal chairs. I keep ahold of her hand while I turn her face toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Talk to me, Rey,” I plead with her, unable to stand this anymore. “I hate seeing you like this. I don’t know what just happened, but I feel like this is getting worse and worse and I’m need to stop it before it goes any further.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She shakes her head doubtfully._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You can’t make it stop just like that-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey, I was about to call the fucking hospital. You looked like you really weren’t fucking breathing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She nods, tears coming to her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I know, I’m sorry-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Don’t apologize, Rey, just tell me what’s going on! There’s something you’re not telling me, and I can’t stand it.” I grip her hand insistantly, pulling her toward me slightly as I tell her everything I’ve been thinking to myself over the past month. “If you tell me what’s scaring you so bad, it will help, I know it will. You’re trying to keep everything from me, and it’s hurting you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She sighs heavily, her head dropping to her hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I know it’s hard for you to talk about. And I know you think it makes me think differently about you, but it doesn’t. What makes me worry about you is when you won’t talk to me at all.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her head raises from her palms, her tear stained eyes meeting mine. And to my great solace, she doesn’t look resistant or scared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’ve only ever told one person about this,” she says quietly, her hands twisting together with uneasiness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I know,” I nod, reaching out to take her hands again and stopping her nervous twiddling. Her hands grip onto mine. “Tell _me. _”__

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________At first, I can’t tell how she’s feeling about sharing everything with me. She seems like she’s trying to hold back quite a bit at first, but eventually, she finally begins opening up about everything that’s been scaring her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She tells me how the bastard running her first foster home had come down into the cellar he used to throw her in and nearly strangled her to death. How he told her he would kill her and no one would ever care. And her eight year old self believed him, even though he would never be able to get away with that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She tells me how she lied there for hours, unable to move because of how afraid she was. He had gotten to her, something she had never let him do before. And apparently, his words have stuck in her mind even now, years later. I don’t know why, especially since she most certainly has people who care about her. But I didn’t grow up without any family, so I have no idea what it would feel like to grow up thinking you literally have no one of your own blood._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I guess that’s why Finn is the only one she’s ever told about this. Maybe he was able to understand more than I ever could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________So I just listen. I listen to everything she tells me without saying a word. As much as she wanted to deny it at first, I can tell it’s a great deal of stress off of her to talk about all of this, to admit she’s afraid, even though she’s always hesitant to look weak._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It starts getting too cold outside, so we go back into the house and sit on the couch. I put a blanket around her shoulders and sit beside her, hugging her close to me, pushing away all the anger that had threatened to burst forth and the want to go out and kill this sick piece of shit. But I know that’s not what Rey needs to hear right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Why didn’t you want to tell me about this?” I ask her, my hand running down her hair as she rests her head against my shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I did,” she admits, her voice slightly hoarse from the emotionally stressful events of the night. “I just thought it’d be years from now after I’d be able to talk or think about it without being like this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I reach down to brush away the few more tears that fall down her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It’s ok to still be in pain. You don’t have to move past every hard thing you go through in your life.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo, it terrifies me. Everytime I think about it, I remember exactly how I felt and what I thought when I was down there. I thought I would never get out, that I would spend the rest of my life alone…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re not alone,” I tell her, feeling a painful jolt in my chest at how frightened she sounds. I hold her closer against me in an effort to reassure her. “You’re never going to be alone. You’re miles away from that place, and you’re never going back again. He tried to make you think you’d never be able to leave, but you did. And now you’re safe here, with me. And there are tons of other people who care about you too.” I twirl the tips of my fingers through her hair, looking down at her thoughtfully. “Almost as much as I do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know,” she nods, sounding a little more like herself, to my great consolation. “I don’t mean to be like this, it’s not like it’s on my mind twenty four seven. It’s just something that stresses me out. From time to time.” She lets out a small laugh, to my surprise. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m going insane.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Definitely,” I assure her. “You decided to be with me and all my drama while you already had all this shit going on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________We both laugh, and thankfully, the mood feels lightened. She leans her head up and kisses me reassuringly, the sensation giving me enough comfort to know she’s feeling better._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Just promise me you’ll tell me when you start feeling like this,” I insist, looking at her seriously. She nods, returning my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know,” she promises. “I’m sorry. It’s a really uncomfortable part of my life to talk about.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable talking about it with me. Especially when it’s causing you so much pain.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I really didn’t think it would get this bad,” she tells me. “But you’re right. I probably didn’t make anything better by keeping it from you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I give her a small smile, reaching out to touch the side of her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well, it’s quite a relief to hear you say that,” I reply, earning a grin from her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Sorry,” she says again. I shake my head, pulling her closer to plant a kiss on her forehead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I love you, Rey. Promise me you’ll let me in.” She nods, reaching her arms around my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I promise.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I kiss her on the lips, hugging her small body close to mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Now, we should probably get to sleep,” I tell her, holding her hands in mine as we stand up from the couch. “According to you, we have big plans tomorrow?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Oh yes,” she smiles as we head toward the stairs. “You’re definitely going to want to get some sleep.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Hm,” I ponder, sweeping her back up in my arms after turning off the light in the living room. “Sounds intriguing.” She laughs as I walk back up the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I promise I won’t wake you up again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well, good. You know I need my beauty rest.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yes, I am well aware, my dear.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	17. Chapter 17

Rey P.O.V.

I can tell it’s late when I finally wake up. The sun is glaring quite prominently through the windows and I feel like I took an entire bottle of Nyquil.

I reach over to grab my phone from the bedside table and see that it’s almost nine thirty. I groan in frustration and toss my phone back onto the table, irritated that I slept so late, and about everything that had happened last night.

I feel a wave of embarrassment when I remember how I basically broke down and probably scared the shit out of Kylo when I unceremoniously tried explaining why I’m so fucked up from my childhood. Thinking back on it, there was probably a better time and place to tell him all that. But I can’t deny that it felt so much better to get it all off my chest.

I roll over onto my side, expecting to see Kylo laying awake and waiting for me to get up. Instead, I see the other side of the bed is empty. 

I turn and glance around the room, half expecting him to be by the closet or the window, but the room is empty.

I push myself up to a sitting position, blinking against the harsh sunlight, and looking over toward the bathroom, until something catches my eye on the floor.

A trail of bright red rose petals leads from the bed, out toward the hallway. I stare wide eyed at the series of beautifully scented petals, carefully setting my feet onto the carpeted floor of the bedroom and rising from the bed to follow the path. 

An excited smile plays across my lips as I walk out into the hall, staring in astonishment at the stream of petals leading all the way down the stairs. I follow the trail downstairs, where the chain continues into the kitchen.

The vibrant scarlet petals stream across the hardwood floor, all the way to the counter. I look up on the dark marble surface to see a small black box tied with a ruby colored ribbon surrounded by a puddle of the red petals. 

I reach out to pick up the box, my fingers brushing against the soft petals, and stare down at it, in awe of everything.

“Finally you’re up,” I hear an amused voice start behind me. I turn around to see Kylo rising up from the couch, where I hadn’t even noticed him sitting.

“What… how…. what is all of this?” I manage out, still awed about the unexpected surprise. 

“You really thought I didn’t have anything planned?” he asks, his eyes narrowing as he approaches me, his arms circling around my waist. “It took me for damn ever to figure something out, but I thought a scavenger hunt would best suit you.” He grins at his own joke. “Get it?”

I briefly try thinking of a response, but I just kiss him on his incredibly inviting lips. My mouth attacks his as I push myself up against his body, my legs wrapping around his waist. He grabs my thighs, turning slightly to sit me down on the counter as his hands slide up under my shirt.

“I guess I should do this more often,” he quips after getting a chance to break away from my lips.

“Yes,” I agree, pulling him back toward my mouth.

“Are you going to open it?” he asks, comically trying to pull away from me as he glances back at the box still clutched in my hand.

I untangle my arms from him as I quickly untie the ribbon and open the small black box. Inside the white satin lining, an amazingly glittery silver bracelet sits, lined with dark blue sapphires that glisten at the slightest movement.

“Kylo, it’s beautiful,” I whisper, mesmerized at the stunning piece of jewelry.

He takes the bracelet out of the box, undoing the clasp and I reach my hand out so he can secure it around my wrist.

“I spent a whole twenty minutes in the jewelers picking it out,” he assures me as he clasps the sparkling bracelet around my wrist.

“Wow, I’m proud of you,” I tell him, marveling at the gorgeous bracelet. “You know, with the necklace you got me for Christmas that one year, the earrings you got for my birthday, and now this, I’m going to look like a million bucks.”

“You look like a million bucks anyway.” He takes ahold of my shoulders and turns me to face him before planting a soft kiss on my mouth. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” 

I find myself blushing slightly.

“You know, for someone who supposedly hates fluffy and cliche things, you are surprisingly romantic,” I commend him. 

“Only for you.”

 

We spend most of the day watching movies and… well, making love. I know Kylo doesn’t want to watch too many sappy romance movies (even though I know he secretly loves Titanic), so we throw in My Bloody Valentine, the original and the remake, just to change it up a bit. And, in my opinion, it makes sense to watch those on Valentine's Day anyway. 

I make Kylo wait all day before telling him what I have planned for the evening, even though he’s ever persistent in trying to get me to spill the beans.

But finally, after we’ve finished Dirty Dancing, I tell him what’s going on. 

“I have made reservations for us,” I declare as I put on my lipstick in the bathroom downstairs. Kylo stands at the door, staring at me with uncertainty. “Kylo, just because I’m being secretive doesn’t mean I’m taking you somewhere you hate.”

“Well then tell me,” he insists. “I admit it, you’ve got me dying with curiosity.” I smile to myself as I screw the lid back onto the bottle of lipstick and then turn to face him.

“We’re going to the Olive Garden,” I announce. “I called and made reservations Thursday, just before we left work. We need to be there by six pm.”

He stares at me while a grin begins to cross his face.

“Olive Garden. As in, our first date.”

“Yes, that would be the correct Olive Garden,” I nod in confirmation. “I even managed to get the same exact table we sat at.”

I smile contentedly as I walk out form the bathroom, taking advantage of Kylo’s delightedly shocked state and wrapping my hand around the back of his neck, kissing him lightly on the lips.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

 

Our date at Olive Garden was nostalgic to say the least. It’s crazy to think our first date was almost three years ago. It’s also crazy to think how nervous I was when we were here last time. I had thought trying to keep a conversation going the whole night would have been the most difficult and stressful thing ever. But as it had turned out, despite how unusual it may seem, Kylo is one of the easiest people to talk to. For me anyway.

This time of course, even when we do stop talking for a bit, it isn’t the least bit awkward. We’ve spent so much time with each other, I don’t think anything could ever be awkward between us. 

I make sure to tell Kylo not to order us any dessert, because I have another surprise when I get home. I know he’s probably a bit worried by this, because he hates most of the desserts I like, but I’ve kept his preferences in mind. Mostly.

By the time we get home, I go straight to the kitchen and start getting out all the baking supplies.

“What are you doing?” he asks, indeed sounding worried.

“Well, I know you don’t like any desserts except chocolate cake. And since I couldn’t get everything I needed to make that, I got us something else instead.” I pull out the box of brownie mix I had hidden in the cabinet.

He stares at it, looking like he might want to curl away at first, but his expression soon turn mildly curious.

“Brownies are just like chocolate cake, but better,” I reassure him. “These are the triple chocolate kind, so there are chocolate chips and chocolate chunks in them. And they get all melty once you take them out of the oven. It’s literally impossible to hate these. And, I am going to be making them, so, even if you do hate them, you have to pretend to like them.”

He chuckles at me while I smile innocently back up at him. He has actually eaten other things I’ve baked for him and liked them. At least, that’s what he told me.

“I’m sure if you make them, they will be delicious,” he tells me, walking into the kitchen.

“They will indeed,” I agree, walking over to preheat the oven. “I’ll even let you lick the spoon once I’m done mixing it.”

“You want me to eat a glob of brownie mix, vegetable oil, and raw egg?” he questions, getting out the mixing bowl and spoon

“Oh, don’t be such a health nut, everyone licks the spoon,” I tell him. “And no, you’re not allowed in here.” I quickly shoo him away and sit him down at the counter. “This is your treat, since you’ve already set up a lovely romantic rose path for me this morning.” I open the box of brownie mix and pour it into the bowl. “I guess you’re lucky I missed a bunch of sleep last night, otherwise I definitely would have woken up before you could finish all that.”

“I planned for that,” he tells me as I fill up a half cup of vegetable oil and pour it in the bowl. “I decided, if you should wake up before me, as you somehow always do, I would just make you hide under the covers until I was done with everything.” 

“Oh, how very clever,” I compliment, cracking two eggs into the mix. “But how in the world did you manage to pick all those petals off? That must have taken a while.”

“It did. I bought a ton of roses because I didn’t know how many I’d be able to get from each one.” 

Sure enough, when I go to throw the egg shells in the garbage, I see a pile of long green stems.

I smile to myself, then grab the tablespoons and begin to fill one up with water to put in the bowl.

“Rey?”

“Yes?”

“How is it possible that I somehow managed to end up with the most perfect woman in the world?”

I laugh to myself as I begin mixing the contents in the bowl. 

“Are you sure you did?” I question. “There are plenty of other women in the world. I doubt you’ve even met every woman in the city, let alone the country, or the world-”

“I don’t want to meet anyone else.”

I begin to grin, but it soon turns to a small frown.

“Even with all my… _inadequacies? _” I ask, remembering the events of last night with a shudder.__

__“Especially with all your inadequacies. In fact, I think the two of us are so fucked up, we somehow fit together.” I laugh, nodding in agreement._ _

__“Can’t argue with that.”_ _

__It is true, I suppose. I can understand why Kylo can look past all of my, rather troubling drama, because it’s just as easy for me to look past his. I’ve always found it odd that we’re seemingly night and day to anyone on the outside looking in, but in reality, we couldn’t be more similar._ _

__Opposites certainly have a weird way of finding each other._ _

__

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__The brownies turned out to be much better than I could have imagined. I think the only brownies I’ve ever had before were those little cupcake ones from the store that taste like cardboard. But these were amazing. They were very gooey and flavorful, and Rey wasn’t lying when she was talking about those chocolate chunks._ _

__“You are the best baker I’ve ever met in my life,” I tell her as my mouth kisses madly down her chest while I hold her against the wall._ _

__“How many have you met in your life?” she asks with mock suspicion. “Kylo?”_ _

__“Yes?” I ask, painstakingly trying to rub my hips against hers._ _

__“How many women have you slept with?”_ _

“What?” _Fuck, how am I supposed to answer that right now?_

______“I want to know.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____I sigh, grabbing her waist and pulling her the rest of the way up the stairs. We’d stopped about halfway up._ _ _ _

____I lay down onto the bed once we get to the bedroom and pull her down on top of me._ _ _ _

____“Do you like that you’re the only man I’ve had sex with?”_ _ _ _

____“Yes,” I answer honestly as her hands travel under my shirt and across my chest. I guess maybe it strokes whatever ego I have to know I’ve been the only one to ever see and touch every inch of her._ _ _ _

____“How many other women have you made love to?” she asks again, her hand reaching down to undo my jeans._ _ _ _

____“I haven’t made love to anyone but you.” I bite back a groan as she circles her hand around my throbbing cock._ _ _ _

____“Ok,” she laughs, her mouth tracing down my neck, nibbling at my throat. “Do you remember the other women you’ve had sex with then?”_ _ _ _

____“Uh… I guess?”_ _ _ _

____She yanks my pants and boxers off, tossing them to the floor before going for my shirt._ _ _ _

____“I want you to forget about them,” she tells me firmly after discarding my shirt. She peels off her own shirt and bra before undoing her pants. “I want you to forget every single woman who came before me.”_ _ _ _

____I nod, staring at her beautiful bare skin, my hands going up to cup her breasts as she leans back over me._ _ _ _

____“I’m the only woman who should ever be on your mind,” she clarifies, and I nod again. She swings her legs across my waist, reaching down between my legs and grabbing my cock tightly in her hand._ _ _ _

____“You are,” I promise, my back arching as she squeezes her hand tighter around me. She leans down, kissing softly along my shoulder before sinking her teeth into my skin. I gasp sharply as my hips thrust up into her hand. She positions me at her entrance before immersing me in her warmth._ _ _ _

____I place my hands on her lower back, pushing her all the way down onto myself. She touches her forehead against mine as she shoves her hips against me, her hot inner walls surrounding my length._ _ _ _

____“I love you,” I moan, moving my hips with hers and crossing my arms over her back, feeling her breasts push against my chest._ _ _ _

____“I hope so,” she gasps as her nipples rub against my skin. I drag my hands up her heatened body, my nails scratching along her side, making her grit in pain. My thumbs massage against her breasts, running across her sensitive nipples._ _ _ _

____She grabs onto my wrists and yanks my arms above my head. I grin up at her as she rests her hips onto mine._ _ _ _

____“I like you like this,” I tell her, relaxing comfortably in her grip._ _ _ _

____“Mm hm, same to you,” she grins, her nose tracing along the side of my face. I turn my head to capture her lips with mine. She smiles, pulling away to touch her lips to my ear. “And I’m going to keep you going all night.”_ _ _ _

____I cup my hands behind her neck, turning her to face me so my lips can graze along her jaw._ _ _ _

____“I’ll expect you to keep that promise,” I tell her, wrapping my leg around her waist._ _ _ _


	18. Chapter 18

Kylo P.O.V.

It’s snowing. _When was the last time I’ve been in the snow? _I remember visiting some weird ski resort in Hoth when I was younger. But that’s not where I am.__

__I look around at the towering trees surrounding the dark, chilly forest. The powdery snow is unrelenting as it tumbles in the wind, searing across my face as if it were sparks of flames instead of ice. I detect the scent of blood and charred flesh, making me slightly nauseous._ _

I stand up, realizing I’d been on my knees. I look down to see I’m clutching something in my hand. I stare at the odd, heavy weapon that looks as if it were hand crafted based on all the complicated wiring and alloy metal making up the black toned device that stops at about thirty centimeters, ending in some kind of crossguard. _What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?_

______My first instinct is to just toss it to the ground, but my body seems to have a mind of its own and I clip it to my belt instead. I stare down at myself and notice for the first time how bizarrely I’m dressed._ _ _ _ _ _

I seem to be covered in head to toe with very thick black clothing, some kind of long tunic. I look like I’m dressed for battle, but this forest seems absolutely desolated so what the hell am I waiting for? Why am I even _here? _Where is here?__

________I feel a painful jolt in my chest when I hear a quiet, pain-filled voice whisper through the unending blizzard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Ben… _”__

__________I turn around sharply, my eyes madly searching the miles of snow covered ground surrounding me to try and find the source of the weakened voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Rey? _” I call out, my own voice shaking in my throat. “_ Where are you? _”__

“ _Ben… _” she answers back pleadingly. She sounds so close…__

________________I pick a direction and force myself to start running. But the snow suddenly feels like mud, circling my feet and forcing me to drag them at a painfully slow pace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her weakened voice continues to ring through my head, sounding as if she were all around me, yet nowhere in sight. I yank my legs desperately as I sink further into the snow, up to my ankles so that I’m hardly even walking at a brisk pace anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

An anger-fueled growl tears through my throat before I rip my feet away from the snow, pushing myself forward with every bit of strength I can muster. _She’s in trouble… she’s calling for me… I need to get to her…_

__________________I stumble through the snow, the falling particles of ice beginning to nearly blind me as I grasp onto the thin tree trunks to help pull me along. I blink through the white specks littering the air to see a body laying a few feet away from me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I throw myself from the tree I was grasping and lurch forward to the small woman lying in the snow, shivering against the harsh cold._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I collapse onto my hands and knees, staring down at the scavenger lying in the snow. _My _scavenger.__

____________________The light colored clothes that drape over her, far too thin for this weather, are stained with the scarlet hue of blood. Her hair is falling out of the three buns that line down her head. She’s shaking, but her face still looks flushed. As if she’d been fighting someone. And lost._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I pull her into my arms, her body too weak to even open her eyes. But she knows it’s me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Ben, _” she whispers again, but this time it’s filled with comfort.__

“ _I’m here _,” I tell her, trying to see where she’s injured. “_ What happened… do you know where we are? _”__

__________________________I glance around, desperate to see something, anything, that could help us. But from what it looks like, we could be the only ones for hundreds of miles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Don’t worry, I’m gonna get us out of here. We just need to… _” I glance around again, but there is nothing that hints at anything being close by. “_ I don’t know, we just need to keep walking. There has to be something around here. I’ll help you, I promise. _”__

______________________________Her body becomes still in my arms. My gaze snaps back to hers as horror chokes through my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Rey? Rey?! _”__

________________________________I take her lifeless hand in mine, that already feels colder than the snow. My heart beats faster as I grab her shoulder, shaking her as if she were asleep and I could simply wake her up. I feel tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to let them come.________________________________

" _Rey, it’s ok, you can wake up. I’m here. Rey? _”__

_____________________________________She lies limp in my arms, the powdery snow landing in her hair, no longer melting against her face. Any warmth she had left is gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I lay down against the snow, still holding her close to me, feeling the need to still keep her warm even though I know she’s gone. I close my eyes, barely even feeling the cold seeping through my clothes, as any will to live leaves my soul._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I wake up with sweat covering every inch of my body, despite the chilly temperature of the house and… well, my lack of clothes. I sit up straight, closing my eyes and forcing myself to breathe easily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I turn my head to look over at Rey, who looks to be sleeping peacefully beside me. My heart thumps painfully hard in my chest as my body realizes the dream wasn’t real, and I’m here in my house with Rey next to me, safe and sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I lean over her unmoving form, placing my hand on her arm and turning her over toward me, studying her intensely, just to make sure she’s still breathing normally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________A small grace of relief goes through me when I confirm to myself she’s ok. I shake my head, laying back down and taking a deep breath, putting my hands up to massage my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I’ve never had a dream like that. I’ve had my fair share of disturbing nightmares I suppose, but none where I can still feel the searing cold of the snow on my face after I’ve woken up. And none where pain had felt that real._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I roll over onto my side, snaking my arm around Rey’s waist and pulling her closer to me. She’s wrapped up pretty snugly in all the covers because the house gets so cold at night in the winter, and she too isn’t wearing anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I make sure she’s still tucked into the covers before resting her up against me. She stirs slightly, her eyes blinking open for only a moment, before she lays her head down next to my shoulder, huddling up against my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________A part of me wants to wake her up just so I can hear her voice, calming me down and assuring me it was just a bad dream, nothing more. She of course will understand. But she needs to sleep, so I have to settle with repeating to myself that we’ll both wake up tomorrow, eat breakfast like we always do, and then get ready to go to the gym. Everything will go on as usual. I’ll be able to talk to her then if I still need to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I lay here for what feels like hours, my attention turning back and forth between waiting for the sun to rise outside, and looking back at the clock on my nightstand. It’s been only fifteen minutes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Now I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep, most likely for the rest of the night. I guess I should probably turn on the tv to take my mind off wanting it to be morning already and wanting Rey to wake up. But I just continue laying here, listening to the quiet filling the house. One thing I did used to enjoy about sleeping over at Rey’s old apartment was that you could always hear cars driving by nonstop. There was something oddly comforting about it. Here, away from the city, everyone pretty much sleeps at the same time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________The haunting nightmare begins taking up my thoughts once again when I run out of things to occupy my mind. I’d really rather think about anything else, but of course I can’t, therefore, a slew of questions I know I’ll probably never get the answers to, swim through my brain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Where was that place anyway? Have I been there before? It was so vivid and too detailed to just be made up in my head. And why were Rey and I dressed so weird? She wasn’t dressed against the cold, but I was. What is all of this supposed to mean?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I feel bile rise through my throat as I remember the image of Rey laying bloodied in the snow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Who had done that to her? What was she even doing there? What was she doing that someone had attacked her and…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I suddenly recall the unidentifiable weapon that had been with me in the dream. I have no idea what it does or what it’s purpose is, but it didn’t look friendly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Had _I _done that to Rey? Did I use that weapon on_ her?_

______________________________________I’m quickly pulled back to reality when I feel her shifting uncomfortably in my arms. I look down and immediately loosen my grip, realizing I’d been gripping her a little too tightly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________I sigh, laying my head back against the pillow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I need to calm down. I’m freaking out over a _dream _, something that happens to literally every human being on the planet. It doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, it wasn’t even real.__

____

______________________________________This argument will never fully convince me, but I pretend it does so I can try and get some peace for the rest of the night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	19. Chapter 19

Kylo P.O.V.

“Well, looks like we’re earlier than everyone,” Rey says as we walk into the gym and see only a handful of people are here. “Just the way you like it.” I nod, my eyes still glazed over from lack of sleep.

I thought that once I got up and focused on going through our normal routine, everything would be back to normal and the nightmare would be pushed to the back of my mind, forgotten within a few hours. But that didn’t turn out to be the case.

I forgot how sick not sleeping makes me feel. My head hurts, I feel like I might throw up any second, and I’m so out of it, it feels like I’m in a dream right now.

I glance down at Rey as she suddenly places her hand on my arm. 

“Are you ok?” she asks, concern riddling her face. I put on as convincing of a grin as I can. 

“Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep much last night.” 

“Oh.” Her eyebrows knit in confusion. “Why’s that? You always sleep good. Except when I wake you up of course,” she adds, guiltily.

“I don’t know,” I shrug as we walk further into the gym. “Maybe it was because of those brownies you made. I was up all night trying to convince myself not to go downstairs and have more.” 

“Well that’s something I never thought I’d hear you say,” she laughs in disbelief as she takes off her sweatshirt and we put our things in the shelves they have by the treadmills. I nod in agreement. “And, now’s the time we have to work them off. I’ll see you in about twenty minutes by the mats?”

“Sure,” I nod, heading over toward the punching bags while she hops onto one of the treadmills. 

I don’t even pay attention while wrapping my hands, I just stare ahead at the bag in front of me, eager to beat the hell out of it.

When my fist finally connects with the bag, I try to focus on nothing except what’s in front of me, putting all my energy into pounding my fists into the bag hanging in front of my face. 

I can’t exactly picture what I’m so angry at. But my body moves before my mind can catch up, my breathing heavy as I grit my teeth in anger, my punches landing with deafening cracks that ring through my ears.

My heart pummels against my chest as I feel the familiar searing heat begin to burn through my limbs. _Why am I so angry? _I try to ponder this, but I’m given no time, as my knuckles smash against the rough canvas.__

__I feel myself begin to focus a little better once I feel my skin break against the jagged material. My breathing becomes steadier, my vision clearer. I heave a sigh of relief, and keep going, ignoring the blood running down my fists and the bright red patches now covering the bag._ _

__I haven’t had to do this for some time. The last time I ever felt this angry was when we were trying to rescue Rey from her psychotic teacher. Now this nightmare is fucking everything up again._ _

_I thought I had this under control… _My opened flesh crushes against the bag, the pain stinging through my entire arm now. I hold onto the pain, using it to help me back down to reality, as I always used to do.__

__

__

_I do have this under control. I’ve been dealing with this all my life, of course it’s not just going to go away._

________I feel my sweat seeping into the cuts on my knuckles, which I see have become much bigger from the blurred sight I can get of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______Then something unfamiliar happens._ _ _ _ _ _

______Every sound, every sensation from the things around me seem to become turned up ten notches. I can hear every step of someone’s feet, every clink of metal from the equipment, every tired pant someone makes._ _ _ _ _ _

______It all comes to me in a rush, as if an avalanche has suddenly descended upon me, crushing me down in the mess of noise that only seems to fuel my anger._ _ _ _ _ _

______My heart beats even faster, painfully forcing me to breath harder as I try making all of this stop, closing my eyes and backing away slightly from the punching bag, that is no doubt disturbingly drenched with my blood._ _ _ _ _ _

______I push my palm onto my fist, putting pressure on the open wounds. The pain that immediately spikes up my arm begins turning down the unbearable wave of sound that had pounded through my head._ _ _ _ _ _

______I stare down at the ground as my body shakes violently, still pressing my palm onto the wounds on my left hand._ _ _ _ _ _

I walk carefully over into the bathroom, where thankfully, everything is quieter. I head toward the sink, setting my hands down against the cool porcelain. I try to calm down my trembling and begin unwrapping my hands, though I don’t have to do much, because it pretty much has all fallen away. _How long have I been punching that thing?_

__________I turn on the faucet and hold my hands under the icy water that pours down. My blood mixes in with the water, turning the liquid a pinkish red as it collects down the drain. I wince slightly as the water cleans out the many cuts that pattern my knuckles, knowing that Rey will definitely notice, and I’ll have to tell her what happened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The door suddenly opens, making me jolt upright, turning off the faucet and going to grab a paper towel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What happened?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I look up in the mirror to see Rey of all people standing by the door, her eyes wide with worry as she looks at the blood stained paper towel in my hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For some reason, instead of telling her the truth, my brain rapidly tries to think up an excuse to give her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As I stand here like an idiot, my mouth hanging open slightly, but words completely escaping me, she quickly walks forward toward me. I turn to face her, and she immediately grabs my wrists, yanking the paper towel away that I was trying to cover my hands with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She stares at my mangled knuckles for only a couple seconds before looking back up at me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What. Happened,” she repeats, her eyes narrowing angrily, as if she knows I’m planning on lying to her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t know,” I answer her, which is partly true. I couldn’t lie to her if I tried. I no doubt look as if I’d just been in a car wreck and my hands look like I spent five hours pummeling barbed wire._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Something’s going on. You’ve been acting strange all morning. I don’t know what happened, but it’s starting to scare me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Rey had explained to me before that she was afraid of this because she has no idea how to handle this mental condition. I didn’t think I would have to involve her too much, since, whenever I’m with her, I have the best reason to keep it under control. But obviously, if I’m going to be spending my life with her, she’s going to get involved at some point._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m sorry,” I quickly tell her, immediately feeling like the biggest asshole ever for scaring her like this. Because it doesn’t look good. “I just… I had a fucked up dream last night and I haven’t been able to get it off my mind…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What kind of dream?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I think she can tell I don’t want to talk about it here, so she gently takes my hand in hers and leads me out of the bathroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Let’s go home,” she decides, heading over to grab our stuff._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How long have we been here?” I ask, noticing her sweat drenched hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“About half an hour,” she answers, seeming confused by the question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_What?! Fuck, I do need to get out of here._

____________I keep hold of her hand as if it were a lifeline as we grab all of our things and she walks us out to the car._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I walk in ahead of her once we get back to the house. I know she wants to talk, but I feel almost embarrassed to talk about the fact that a dream has me this worked up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What was the dream about?” she asks after closing the door behind us. I want laugh to myself at her directness, but I don’t think I could even crack a grin right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It wasn’t pleasant,” I answer carefully, heading into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Tell me,” she instructs, standing beside the counter. “Trust me, I’m sure I’ve had worse.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No, you haven’t,” I assure her, taking a gulp of water, hoping it will wake me up a little bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, you’re really freaking me out, will you just please tell me what’s bothering you? I don’t know how else I’m supposed to help you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You don’t have to help me,” I snap at her, feeling my frustration starting to take control. “I’m not five years old, I can take care of myself.” She raises her eyebrows, looking as if she can’t believe what I had just said._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Really, because you looked like you were pretty fucking out of control to me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I take a deep breath, wanting to punch myself in the face. I crush my anger down, feeling a swell of guilt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sorry,” I mutter, but I still can’t manage to make the pounding in my head go away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, please just tell me what’s wrong.” Her voice starts sounding smaller, as if I were running away from her. I put my hand to my head as my vision starts blurring again. “Is it just the dream, or is it something else?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

My heart races as I feel the ice cold flecks of snow landing on my face again. The bone chilling wind tearing through my hair. _What the fuck? This isn’t possible…_

My hand curls around the glass in my hand as alarm rings through me, the sound of Rey’s voice fading away, turning instead to terrified screaming. My eyes snap up straight ahead, looking for where the screaming is coming from. _Maybe I can get to her before she gets hurt this time. I can stop this before she dies, and then I can let this go…_

________________All I can see in front of me is refrigerator in our kitchen. My fingers crush harder against the glass in my hand as I look all around me to see that I’m still standing here, in the house, but all around me I can feel the chill of the forest and hear Rey’s blood curdling screams._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Before I can comprehend what I’m doing, the glass in my hand goes flying into the black marble countertop, shattering into millions of pieces._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_No… No… I need to make it stop…_

__________________She sharp crack of glass hitting marble thankfully snaps me out of my trance, sending me crashing back down into reality. Even though I suddenly wish it hadn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Rey jumps, flinching away when a few of the broken fragments fly toward her. I rush over toward her, grabbing her arms and quickly looking her over as a horribly sick feeling shakes through me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you ok?” I ask her, not even knowing how I’m supposed to apologize for this. Her eyes meet mine, and she looks more irritated than scared, which I guess brings me the slightest bit of reassurance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yes, I’m fine,” she says sharply. “You aren’t.” She yanks herself out of my grasp, anger spiking through her gaze, but her eyes eventually soften. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I wish you would tell me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She waits, but I can’t bring myself to answer her. I don’t know if I’m scared or ashamed, but for some reason, I don’t want her to know this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She nods, as if reading my thoughts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“And if you don’t want to talk to me about it, then maybe you should talk to your parents or something..”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Before I can tell her there is no way I am telling my parents about this, she turns and heads toward the stairs, probably to go up and take a shower. I want to follow her, but I get the feeling it’s better to stay away from her until I have myself under control._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I sink down onto the floor, leaning up against the counter as I stare down at the shattered remains of the glass I had hurled across the kitchen. I feel a tightening sensation in my chest when I think about how close I had come to hurting Rey. I hadn’t even seen her during all of that. It was as if she had simply vanished._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I glance down at the pile of shattered glass, glinting in the soft sunlight coming through the open window above the sink. I feel an aching urge to reach out and clutch my hand around the small sharp fragments, knowing that the pain would calm me down, as it always has._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I close my eyes, pushing the thought away, knowing that slicing my hands open again isn’t something Rey needs to see._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________What if this happens again? What if I get sucked into that demented hallucination and I do something to her… what if I’m not able to see her and I end up hurting her while lost in all my rage?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I think this might be the scariest thought I’ve ever had. I don’t know what is going through Rey’s head right now, but perhaps she’s thinking the same thing I am. That if she stays with me, she might get hurt. Maybe she’s thinking all of this over right now, and by the time she comes back down, she’ll tell me it’s best of she leaves. Fuck, what if I just destroyed everything? What if I lose the only thing that makes me happy?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I ignore the burning anger I feel towards myself and quickly run toward the stairs, sprinting up toward the bedroom where I hear the shower going._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I burst into the bedroom, seeing Rey wrapped in a towel, taking her hair out of the ponytail she’d put it in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo?” she asks in surprised, standing up from the bed. “What’s wrong?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I walk toward her, quickly taking her in my arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, I’m so sorry,” I say, feeling the tears I’ve been trying to fight away begin to fill my eyes. “You’re right, something is wrong and I… I didn’t mean to do that, you know I would _never _hurt you. I swear, I wasn’t angry with you, I wasn’t thinking of hurting you, I was just trying to make it stop, I thought-”__

“Trying to make what stop?” she asks, her hands reaching up to cup my face. “Kylo, please tell me what’s wrong. Of _course _I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. If I ever thought that, I wouldn’t be here. But you need to tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”__

______________________I nod, feeling a wave of relief that she knows I hadn’t meant to do that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I will. It’s just… I don’t know what’s happening. I haven’t felt like this in years, and I don’t know why this is happening…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“It’s ok,” she says, stroking her hand through my hair, which actually calms me down a lot. She offers me a small smile as her fingers caress through my hair. “Why don’t we go clean up the glass downstairs and you can tell me everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	20. Chapter 20

Rey P.O.V.

My mind is everywhere but on my work as Finn and I sort through the large quantity of food donations we had gotten over the weekend for the breakfast, lunch and dinner we’re holding at the children’s homeless shelter. I haven’t been able to focus well all week, although a good amount of my stress had vanished after telling Kylo all about my nightmares.

I suppose everyone was right when they tried telling me how much better I would feel if I just told him. Now it hasn’t been on my mind since, and I haven’t had another nightmare. However, now I’m afraid all of that drama has had some kind of effect on him.

He told me he had had a, incredibly realistic dream and it disturbed him pretty deeply. I suppose it caused all of his old rage and anxiety start up again, and that’s why he lost it. He calmed down quite a bit after telling me, but he still doesn’t seem to be completely himself. 

I’ve considered maybe talking with Leia about it, because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I could be making things worse for him for all I know. But of course, I’d never do that. Kylo has made it clear he doesn’t want his parents involved. I’m not sure why, I would assume they would know what to do in this case, but I can respect that he wants to keep this between us for now.

“You look like you’re sleepwalking,” Finn notices as I wrap up a platter of bacon. I glance over at him, feeling a bit jolted at hearing his voice.

“Did you ask me something?” I ask, feeling like an idiot. “I’m sorry, I’ve been out of it all week.”

“No, I didn’t ask you anything,” he laughs. “You just look like you aren’t here, I was worried your body had been taken over by a pod person.”

“Ah. A nice Invasion of the Body Snatchers reference. I appreciate that.”

“I knew you would. Is something wrong?”

I sigh, thinking it’s probably best not to get into all the intense details. But I would like some advice from my best friend.

“Kylo and I just had a little argument over the weekend. It’s kind of been on my mind lately…”

“It wasn’t about money, was it?” Finn asks worriedly. 

“No,” I assure him. “No way.”

“Good. Those are the most pointless arguments. But you two argue all the time. Was this one… bad?”

“Not all the way to bad, but… worse than the others.”

He nods, probably deducing from the silence that my unasked question is, what am I supposed to do?

“Just make sure you keep talking,” he tell me as he places a container of strawberries into the cardboard boxes in front of us. “Even if it’s arguing, keep talking. It’s worse not to talk. Unless it gets to screaming profanity at each other, but I know you guys wouldn’t do that.”

“No,” I shake my head in agreement.

“It’ll be fine. I remember when Poe and I had our first big argument.”

Oh boy. I remember that too. Their first big fight was right after they had moved into together and Poe still came and went as he pleased, not bothering to tell Finn where he was.

“Yeah, you called me and you were freaking out,” I laugh. “What was it you were saying, you were afraid Poe was going to leave you just because you two fought over him coming home at three am without telling you where he was?”

“Yep,” Finn nods, blushing slightly as we both laugh. “Luckily we found common ground though.”

“Yeah, he came up to you while we were in the middle of our phone conversation and apologized. It was really sweet, I heard the whole thing.”

“I was so overcome with emotion, I forgot to hang up the phone. Though I’m glad you got to be apart of our first argument.”

“It was lovely to witness. It gave me hope for whenever I found my partner. And indeed, back when Kylo and I had our first argument, that was the only thought that kept me from assuring myself that he wasn’t going to leave me simply because I had screamed at him for leaving a stack of dishes in the sink.”

“Ah, a classic,” he nods in understanding. “Poe’s gotten me on that a good few times.”

I shake my head in disbelief, remembering how I used to think I’d never have to worry about things like this.

“Look what’s happened to us, Finn. Here we are, talking about arguing with our significant others, like a couple of grown ups. I seem to recall a time where we swore we’d never settle for anyone.”

“No one was good enough for us back in elementary school,” he agrees. “We were set to be single for life.”

“I didn’t even think romance was in my vocabulary. We were ready to move to Hollywood together and become stars.”

“I still think we’ve got a shot,” he informs me. I smile, setting a collection of oranges down into the box beside me. It’s full, so I seal it up and move it over by the door, where the other ones are.

“It’s weird,” I begin solemnly, as I grab a couple of orange juice cartons and set them down in the next open box. “With everything I have now, I would never want to go back to how it was, but… a part of me misses being a kid. Knowing that things can never be like that again. Times were a lot simpler than we thought.”

“Well, I say with our lack of families, things were pretty tough, even in childhood.”

“Ok, yes, things were tough. That’s why I would never want to go back, but… don’t you miss hanging out behind the kickball wall, reading those mystery books we found in the library?”

“Oh yeah,” he nods. “Goosebumps, The Bailey School Kids, Magic Treehouse… those were our lives.”

“Right? Force, I miss those. I remember my favorite was always Werewolves Don’t go to Summer Camp.”

“That one was great. We must have checked that one out a hundred times. The librarian kept trying to get us into other books, like Anne of Green Gables.”

“No way, not us. We couldn’t guess the twists in any single one of those books either, could we?”

“Nope. We never learned. Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown tried to teach us, but we couldn’t get it.” 

“Now, see?” I laugh. “Don’t you miss those times?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Though I do admire that my brain has grown beyond the capacity to guess the twist in a children’s mystery book.”

“Ok, yes, that’s true.”

“Actually, I thought a lot about that right before we graduated high school. How things would never be the same again. It’s what we’d been waiting our whole lives for, and then when it finally started happening, it was too fast.”

“I suppose that’s how life goes.”

He nods in agreement.

“That’s what life is. Growing up, falling in love, and fighting with your partner.”

“Do you think that’s all life is?” I ask, sounding lighthearted, but actually deeply considering the question.

“No,” he answers confidently. “There’s a lot of shitty stuff in life, but the inbetween makes it worth it.” 

He looks over at me, and for a moment, it seems as if he knows every stressful thought that’s running through my mind.

“Maybe you could tell Kylo that.”

* * * 

Kylo P.O.V.

I look around at the cold, lifeless world surrounding me as I walk down the cement path. There’s no one in sight. I know I must be dreaming because I feel as if I’m moving in slow motion. I don’t know where I’m going, but the area looks a bit like a forest. If someone had drained all the color from it. 

I keep moving, if at a snail’s pace, wondering where the hell I am and how I’m supposed to get out of here. And where is Rey?

I walk faster, or at least try to, turning around and trying to listen for anyone. But the absence of any life tells me I could be completely alone on this entire planet. 

_Rey’s here. She wouldn’t leave me. She’s still here. ___

__Ever since I could remember, being alone was one of the things I’d actually hope for on a regular basis. But now, I can’t remember the last time I craved to be by myself. Being alone now makes me feel a painful emptiness, as if something is missing._ _

__I guess this is the loneliness Luke warned me I would eventually feel if I isolated myself too much._ _

__As if hearing my despair, I finally see someone standing among the grey trees. I walk closer to see who it is, and my heart warms with relief._ _

__I try calling out to her, but my voice sounds miles away, even to me. So I keep moving, having a sickening feeling that she’ll vanish if I don’t get to her fast enough._ _

__She smiles hopefully at me as I get closer, the only life flowing through the dead forest. I rush forward, aching to hold her in my arms. I don’t care what’s going on anymore or where we are. I’m just relieved she’s here._ _

“ _Ben? _” I hear her call to me as she finally walks forward.__

“ _Rey _,” I answer back as I finally approach her. I reach my hand out to her, my fingers brushing against her arm.__

________As soon as my skin makes contact with hers, her lips turn into a frown, her body going rigid as if something had just shocked her. My heart leaps into my throat as a horrible screeching fills the air as she gasps in pain, the world around us turning colder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I watch in horror as the life leaves her body, her skin turning as grey and dead as the forest surrounding us. She falls forward and I catch her in my arms, my knees buckling and falling onto the brown leaves that are too dead to even crunch beneath my weight._ _ _ _ _ _

______I look down at the dead woman in my arms, who had been alive as if all were normal just a few seconds ago. The forest begins melting away, turning into some kind of grotesque shape, but all I do is stare down at Rey._ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s dead. Just like that. I’ll never hear her voice or her laugh again. Her smile that can light up a thousand rooms is gone. Her undying, and sometimes infuriating kindness will never grace the world again. Her soft touches, her teasing grin, the hypnotizing caress of her lips…_ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s gone. And I’m alone._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______I feel tears running down my face before I even wake up._ _ _ _ _ _

_She’s gone…. what am I going to do? I’m alone…._

__________I open my eyes and look around the room. To my shock, I realize what just happened wasn’t even real._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sit up and look over at Rey, who’s lying right beside me, where she’s been this whole time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Before I can stop myself, I reach over and shake her awake, my heart beating madly in my chest, still feeling the icy fear that had been so real a moment ago. Too real. _How can I feel like this when the dream wasn’t even real? Something’s not right. I have to wake her up. What if she doesn’t wake up?_

____________“Rey,” I call out sharply as I shake her more firmly. “Rey!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She turns toward me, her eyes blinking open slowly at first, before she shoots up, her eyes snapping open with alertness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What happened?” she asks, looking around the room as if she’s expecting an attack any second. “What’s wrong?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She looks back to me and takes in my expression. I remember I’d been crying, and begin turning my head away before she reaches out and roughly turns my face back toward her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, what’s going on?” she demands, worry seeping through her tone as she gazes at me with hurt in her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I shake my head, at a complete loss of what to say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I just… I wanted to make sure you were ok,” I tell her, trying to stop the trembling in my voice. I realize I’m still holding her arms in a vice grip, but I don’t want to let go. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you… I thought you were…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She puts her arms around me, pushing my head down on her shoulder. I lean against her, slowly releasing my grip on her to wrap my arms around her waist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re shaking,” she says quietly, her hand stroking through my hair. “Just try to calm down. I’m right here, I’m ok.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I close my eyes, more tears escaping down my face, her soft voice pulling me away from whatever dark place my mind had wandered to. To my disgust, I find myself choking back sobs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You just had a bad dream,” she says, her hand still stroking down my head. Her other hand lightly runs across my back, as if she were trying to gently wake me up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I wish she would keep talking so that the silence wouldn’t be filled with my pathetic sniveling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She holds me closer, resting her chin against my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s ok to cry, Kylo,” she says quietly. It grows silent again, but I still try biting back my sobs. To my surprise, I hear her give a small laugh. “Usually I’m the one blubbering all over you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Something about how she’s talking, or maybe the way she’s holding me, or just how shitty the past couple of weeks have been, allows me to let go and cry into her arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’ve never cried in front of anyone ever since I was a baby I suppose, so it feels incredibly strange and almost uncomfortable to let someone see me like this. But I don’t feel as if I have to hide myself from Rey. Because I trust her more than anyone, and even though I’m worried I’ll scare her by acting like this, I continue quietly weeping as she holds me against her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I bury my face against her chest, thanking every god there is that I have her, knowing I’m probably the last person in the world who deserves her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She hugs me against her as she waits for me to calm down, laying back onto the bed without loosening her hold._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I try thinking of what I’m going to tell her after I’ve settled down, while she no doubt thinks of how to ask me why I’m acting like this. But neither of us feel like we have to say anything, at least not now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________For now, I just lay against her while she gently brushes her hand down my head until we both drift back off to sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	21. Chapter 21

Rey P.O.V.

The first thing I did this morning was call Kylo and I in sick for the day. I have some work I brought home that I can do, and I text Finn and ask him to bring me some more of the things I need to get done when he’s on lunch.

Kylo sleeps most of the morning, which is very unusual. He woke up for a couple seconds when I got out of bed, but he quickly fell back asleep. I made him the toast he always eats for breakfast, just in case he did wake up, but I ended up eating it myself because he didn’t come downstairs until ten thirty.

I really don’t know what to say to him that would make him feel better, so I decide to wait and see if he will talk to me.

Last night scared me a lot. I didn’t know what was wrong and I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen Kylo cry before, at least not like that. He doesn’t know it, but I did see him crying once, shortly after I had gotten back from nearly being killed by my psychotic college professor. He thought I was asleep, but I had heard him briefly crying the night we came home after I had to go into the police station and describe what had happened to me. I had even felt a tear drop onto my hand, but I had decided to just let him be that night. It had been a pretty shitty day. 

But last night, I had no idea what to do. I felt how much he was suffering, and I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was sit there and hold him and pray that whatever was hurting him so bad, would stop. I guess this is how he felt when I wouldn’t tell him about my nightmares.

I wait a couple hours after he’s awake and after he’s eaten something before I decide to talk to him about this. Even if he doesn’t want to. Lately, when I’ve been trying to decipher what’s wrong with him, I get the vaguest of answers and the sense that he’s hiding something. I know he doesn’t like discussing things like this because it makes him feel vulnerable, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

I sit beside him on the couch where he’s staring blankly down at the ground, his face resting in his hand, while a rerun of some sitcom plays on the tv.

“We need to talk,” I tell him pointedly, preparing to deliver the speech I’ve rehearsed a couple times already. “I don’t know what happened last night,” I continue before he can protest, “but whatever it was, it was bad. I don’t understand why you’ve been so upset and so afraid these past couple of weeks, but it seems like it’s getting worse.” 

He looks up at me, waiting for me to go on, probably because he knows I already have a plan.

“I think you should either talk to your parents or your uncle, or maybe… you should go talk to someone else.”

He stares at me as if I just suggested he move out of the country. 

“You want me to go see a _therapist? _” he asks, half in disbelief and half in disgust. Something about his tone suddenly makes me feel irritated.__

__“Well you don’t want to talk to me about it,” I say defensively. “And I obviously can’t make this any better, so maybe it would be better for you to go to someone who will know what to do.”_ _

__“How is a stranger going to know what the fuck to do? I’ve been dealing with this my entire life, and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I used to be able to handle it just fine, and now…”_ _

__He suddenly stops, as if realizing he was saying too much._ _

__“Now what?” I demand._ _

__My heart suddenly lurches in my chest as I think of a possibility I hadn’t considered before._ _

“Is it because of me?” I ask, my voice coming out smaller than I intended. He looks over at me, seeming like he’s about to deny it, but guilt runs along his eyes. “You feel like you can’t control this because of _me? _”__

______“That’s not what I mean,” he insists, but he sounds careful with his words, as if he’s trying not to offend me or something. Which makes me even more angered._ _ _ _ _ _

____“Look Kylo, if I can’t help you, then you need to get it from someone else. I’m really worried about you, and I don’t want you to cut yourself off from me. But apparently, if I’m just making it worse-”_ _ _ _

____“I didn’t say you’re making it worse,” he clarifies, his voice now rimmed with anger as well._ _ _ _

____“Then tell me what’s going on! Why won’t you talk to me?”_ _ _ _

____“You’re such a fucking hypocrite.”_ _ _ _

____I stare at him wide eyed, now feeling myself beginning to shake with anger._ _ _ _

____“Excuse me?” I ask in outrage, wondering where in the hell he gets off in calling me anything._ _ _ _

____“You never want to share anything with me because you’re so afraid I’ll freak out or I’ll want to leave or I won’t be able to handle it. And then the moment I don’t immediately tell you every damn thing on my mind, you want to send me to a fucking therapist? What, are you afraid I’m gonna jump off a cliff or slash my wrists open?”_ _ _ _

____“Kylo, stop. I’m just. Trying. To help you. You know damn well this is way more serious than me going through something when I was eight fucking years old. And yes, maybe I am afraid you’re going to hurt yourself, because unlike me, you actually have a history of doing stupid fucking shit to yourself.”_ _ _ _

____I almost feel guilty for putting things so bluntly, but if he wants me to tell him everything I’m worried about, here it is._ _ _ _

“And as for me being a _hypocrite _, I seem to remember it was you who told me I shouldn’t hide anything from you. Maybe I had misunderstood, but I assumed that was meant to go both ways. And if you don’t even want to tell me why you’ve been acting like a completely different person lately and_ fucking shattering a glass against the counter _, then I don’t know how this trust thing is supposed to work. But I can’t just go along with your bullshit answers and pretend like everything is normal when I know you’re not ok.”__

__________It’s silent for a moment, and I suddenly feel a bit awkward as my words hang in the air. But I can’t help how frustrated I am, so I don’t apologize, nor do I feel like I need to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And so long as I’m in the way of you getting a handle on things, maybe you need some time away from me so you can get yourself together.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His hand suddenly shoots out and locks around my wrist, as if afraid I was going to get up and walk out the door this very second._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That is not what I want,” he says to me, his voice dangerously low as he gazes at me intently, seeming like he wishes he could somehow explain everything to me without having to tell me. But I’m at a loss._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t get it,” I sigh in exasperation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You make me not want to hurt myself. But hurting myself is the only way I know how to make these… these thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck they are- it’s the only way to make them go away. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I can tell how aggravated telling me all of his makes him feel. I know I should say something, reassure him in some way, but all that rings through my brain are the words that send a shiver down my spine. _You make me not want to hurt myself…_

____________“The only thing that makes me angry about you, is that you don’t deserve this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I gape at him with incredulity, wondering how he could possibly think that when we’ve been together so long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You don’t deserve to have to worry about all of this, you don’t deserve…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I don’t deserve you?” I finish for him, wanting to smack him across the face for being so idiotic. “Kylo, what the fuck? Do you think I can’t handle this? I’ve been going through shit ever since I was born, you think I can’t handle this?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You already have shit to deal with, you don’t need to be dealing with my shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I sit back, still staring at him in disbelief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Is that really what you think? You think you’re just too fucking much for me to handle?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He shakes his head, looking more and more annoyed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I didn’t say that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Maybe if you’d actually tell me the truth, I’d be able to understand what you’re trying to say. But apparently, you can’t trust me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stand up from the couch, afraid I’ll get too angry and say something stupid if I don’t leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“And you call me a hypocrite for not trusting you? Give me a break.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I walk toward the stairs, and to my astonishment, I hear him begin to follow me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Rey?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________His tone is softer, sounding more like himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stop at the bottom of the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What?” I ask, barely turning my head back toward him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He walks up behind me and gently places his hand over mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stare down at his hand grasping mine, feeling my anger simmer down slightly. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath and putting my pride in check._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I know,” I reply, turning to face him. “I’m sorry I got so snippy. You know, I was the one who was supposed to be calming you down.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He gives me a small grin that I eventually return._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He steps back away from the stairs, pulling me along with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Now will you come and sit with me? I feel like I’m going insane in here by myself with this shit on.” He nods toward the rather irrelevant seeming sitcom still playing quietly on the tv in the living room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I smile to myself before nodding quickly and letting him lead me back toward the couch. We sit down and he pulls me close to him, his hands softly rubbing against my body as if to reassure me everything is ok._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I know this is his way to try and move on and not talk about what needs to be talked about. But I also know, that for someone who once seemed all too content with being by himself, he is, for some reason, feeling incredibly lonely right now. I’ve never seen him express this emotion, but he reads like a book, at least to me. Perhaps he was always lonely, but was better at hiding it before we had gotten together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Whatever the reason, I’ll find out what’s wrong and how to help him. Even if I have to go behind his back, as I know he’d do the same for me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down as I stand outside the door to Leia’s office. I had called her earlier this morning and asked her if we could talk during my lunch break. It took me days to get to this point. Days and nights I’d spend my free time contemplating whether this was the right thing to do, or if it was better to just go on and hope Kylo will get better on his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I know he would freak out if he knew I was doing this, but he’s left me no choice at this point. It’s been almost a month since he freaked out and shattered a glass against the counter, and he still hasn’t done anything to help himself. So I’m doing it for him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I shake off my nerves and knock on the door, feeling as if I’m going behind his back. Which technically I am, but I know this is the only way I’m going to find any way to help him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The door opens and Leia grins warmly back at him. I try to return her smile, but already, I can tell she knows something is wrong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I didn’t want to do this here,” I admit as we sit in the two chairs in front of her desk. “But I didn’t want to cause a huge scene.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m guessing this isn’t just a pleasant catching-up, then?” she asks, smiling softly, but worry riddling her eyes. I nod in remorse. She sighs, and I suddenly feel guilty about shoving all of this onto her now. I hadn’t even stopped to consider how she would take this. “Well, go ahead. Might as well get it out now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My hand goes up to brush my hair behind my ear as my eyes shift toward the ground, afraid to see her reaction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m worried about Kylo,” I begin, unsure of how to explain properly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________There’s only a small moment of silence before I’m unable to keep my gaze away from her expression. To my surprise, she looks like this isn’t the most troublesome thing she expected to hear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I was afraid of that,” she answers, her eyes looking out the window at the tall buildings scattering the city._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She looks back at me when I don’t continue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What happened?” she asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I… I think he’s been having a lot of nightmares lately. And he just… he zones out sometimes, like he’s hallucinating or something.” I decide not to bring up the glass smashing incident at this moment. Leia just nods, as if all of this is familiar to her, which immediately makes me relieved. “And he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried everything, but nothing has changed…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How long has this been going on?” she asks, still sounding as calm as she was before, even though I’m becoming more anxious by the second._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I guess about three weeks now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She nods, sitting back in her chair and looking as if she’s contemplating something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He might be having some sort of relapse. I’ll talk to Luke, he already called me a couple weeks ago. He was worried.” I stare up at her in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He knew?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He was suspicious,” she nods, looking as if she doesn’t quite know how to explain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How would he know that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“He went through this too, once. Not nearly as bad, but ever since he learned about everything that happened with our father, he made it his mission to learn everything he could about this… _condition _, if you will. And, with the connection he has with the Force, I’m sure he sensed something was wrong.”__

______________“Is that what this is?” I ask, my heart lurching as I begin to feel slightly sick. “Is this the same thing that happened to Anakin?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I’m sure she can tell exactly what’s going through my mind, because she quickly shakes her head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“This is different,” she assures me, though something in her tone sounds worried too. “My father didn’t have the help that Ben has.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Because he didn’t want it,” I point out. “And neither does Kylo!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It doesn’t matter,” she denies, shaking her head. “Ben’s going to get help whether he wants it or not.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She stands up, going to her desk to grab what I soon see is her cellphone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I bite my lip when I feel tears start to fill my eyes, realizing how angry Kylo will be when he realizes I actually told his mother about what’s going on. I’ve never had parents, so I have no idea just how awkward having them know about your personal life is. But I would have thought that it’s normal to have your parents help you with things like this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He won’t just be angry. He’ll be hurt as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________How will he react when he learns that I took something he trusted me with and went behind his back? Will he feel betrayed? I know this is the right thing to do for him, but will he ever trust me again?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I look up at Leia to see her leaning over me, her hand resting on top of mine, which are grasped tightly together. I look up at her as tears fall from my eyes, landing down on my clothes. I open my mouth to tell her I’m fine, but no words come to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You don’t need to worry about this,” she tells me, her tone ripe with command as it always is. “Ben is going to be fine. You did the right thing, coming to me, no matter what he thinks.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I wish I could take solace in her words, but I can’t even pretend as if I believe her. All I can think is that Kylo will never forgive me for this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey, why don’t you go home. Just calm down, I’m going to take care of everything and I’ll call you later tonight after I’ve talked to Han.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I stand up from the chair, feeling as if my body is being pulled along like a lifeless puppet, which is how I feel. Drained of life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Leia says a few other muffled words as she walks me out of her office and to the elevator and gives me one final reassuring touch of her hand against my back before sending me back down to our work floor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I don’t bother trying to be discreet or trying to cover up my crying, but I am hoping Kylo doesn’t come out into the break room and see me because I don’t even think I can look at him right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I go into the small workroom and quickly gather my things, ignoring the two people who are in there working. Thankfully, they pay me no mind either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As soon as I walk back out however, I run right into Poe, who of course, would be able to tell if something’s wrong from a mile away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What happened?” he asks with alarm as he looks me over in my rather unsightly state. I shake my head, knowing I can’t lie to him and I’m in no mood to make up a story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I can’t explain right now,” I tell him, beginning to walk around him toward the elevator. “I took the files, I’m going to finish them at home, you can tell the others if they ask.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey, what’s wrong?” he asks, a little more firmly this time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’m alright,” I assure him. “I just… I need to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I quickly turn and walk off before he can manage to get out of me what is going on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I run out to the break room, keeping my eyes straight ahead as I go to the elevator. Kylo has been working through his lunch break lately, so I doubt he’ll be in here, but of course, I’m expecting fate to kick me in the ass today, so I keep my attention away from everything until I get out of this damn building._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________By the time I get outside, I’ve pretty much calmed myself down, but I still don’t worry about people looking at me. As busy as this city is, no one stops to stare at anyone too long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Once I’ve gotten into my car, I take out my phone and text Kylo that I’m going home early but I’ll be back to pick him up when he gets off, since he won’t have a car._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I put my phone down and turn on the car, but barely ten seconds later, I get a reply._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Why?_

________________I stare down at my phone, wondering why he can’t just go with it, for once, but also knowing that I’d want to know what’s going on as well if he told me he was leaving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_We’ll talk later. See you tonight_

__________________I know he won’t be satisfied with that answer, but I can’t worry about it right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I hear my phone going off and ringing pretty much the whole way home, but I don’t even glance down at it. I don’t even take it in the house with me when I get home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I try to keep myself calm as Poe drives through the city, faster than anyone anyone else on the road._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I was heading out of the office to catch a damn bus home when Rey wouldn’t answer her phone after I called her about fifteen times, and Poe had been standing out in the hall, looking as if he was on his way to talk to me. I asked him if he knew what the hell was going on with Rey and he replied that he was about to ask me the same question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________So here we are, him driving me back to the house, while I continue trying to call and text, and hell, I’d try sending her a fucking email at his point if there’s any chance she might check that. I even try the house phone a couple of times, but there’s no answer there either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Poe tries telling me there has to be some kind of explanation, but all I can think of is how things went down this chillingly similar path the night she had been kidnapped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It already bugs me that she had left and gone down into the parking garage completely by herself, something I had long ago promised myself would never be happening again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It’s not as big a deal when it’s not at night,” Poe tells me as he expertly dodges us out of the way before the light ahead of us turns red. “There are more people around in the day time, you know?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I don’t answer, maybe because deep down, I know he’s right and I’m being a bit impractical._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know her,” he continues, the lack of worry in his tone irritating me slightly. “If she’s this upset, she wants to be alone. That’s why she’s not answering the phone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Of course I know she hasn’t been abducted again. But since it happened, any time she misses one call or takes a while to answer one text, the memory and possibility is always in the back of my mind. It always will be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

But now, other fears begin playing on my mind as well. _Is she angry with me? Did I do something I didn’t mean to and made her upset? Does she not want to talk to me or even look at me?_

____________________I attempt taking another deep breath, but once again, it comes out shakily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_What if she left?_

______________________I’m already halfway out of the car before Poe has even pulled up alongside the house. I have to give it to him, we got here in only about five minutes, which has to be a record time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Tell her to call me and let me know everything’s ok!” he calls insistently as I run towards the house. I know he’s worried too, but I can’t even focus enough to answer him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I open the front door, which I should be mad at, since it’s unlocked and could let anyone come walking in, but I honestly don’t think I could fit any more worrying in my mind at this moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Rey?!” I call out, looking around the house, half expecting her to not even be here. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears, as if I had just run a fucking marathon. My hands start to shake in some kind of sickening combination of anger and fear as I feel my blood practically freeze in my veins._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I look across the room to see a figure step out from the office beside the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________She looks at me in confusion as she slowly walks out into the living room, looking as if everything was normal and this was just another fucking day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Kylo? What are you doing here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She sounds surprised, as if she actually didn’t even expect to hear from me until tonight. _Does she even fucking know me?_

________________________“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I ask, the fear I had previously felt now replaced by more outrage. “I’ve been calling you for the past fifteen minutes, you can’t even pick up your phone and tell me what the hell is going on?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She doesn’t react more than sighing briefly and crossing her arms over her chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I told you we would talk later,” she says, her voice quiet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, the last time you didn’t answer your phone, you were _fucking kidnapped _. Do you have any idea what I was-”__

__________________________I stop as I walk closer to her and see that she has been crying. A lot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“What’s wrong?” I ask, my tone softer as I look her over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She sighs again, her eyelids closing briefly, as if this were a topic she’d rather not discuss right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________I follow her over to the dining room table, where she sits beside the window splashed with the soft raindrops from outside. I used to prefer when it was dark and dreary out, but I realize the past couple of weeks, it’s just been making me feel worse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________I stay standing as I wait for her to explain what’s going on, because I’m way too tense to sit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I talked with Leia today,” she tells me, avoiding my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________At first I don’t understand, so I wait for her to continue, but it suddenly makes sense why she’s upset and why she left work._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________I lean against the chair, closing my eyes and practically being able to feel the shitstorm that we’re going to have to deal with now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Why did you do that?” I ask, not sure whether to be frustrated or to just not give a shit anymore. Apparently I no longer have control over what happens to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Because you aren’t exactly giving me any other options,” she tells me firmly, though I can hear her begin to cry again. _Why is she so upset?_

____________________________“I told you, they’re just going to make this worse-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It’s already worse!” she exclaims, looking at me as if she can’t believe what I’m telling her. “I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but you are obviously suffering and you think no one notices. Maybe that was the case when you were living by yourself, but I can assure you, _I _am very much aware.”__

______________________________I want to tell her the same lie I’ve been telling her and myself for the past few weeks. That I have it under control and I can handle it without anyone’s help. But I don’t think there was a time either of us ever believed that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“It’s ok if you’re upset with me,” she continues, though her quoted tone tells me she’s trying to convince herself more than me. “And I don’t know if you’ll care, but it makes me feel sick that you trusted me with this and I had to go behind your back. But I have to do something to help you, I’m not going to just sit here and wait for this to escalate, because I’ll never forgive myself. Even if you hate me for it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________I look up at her in bewilderment as I see her still struggling to keep tears from falling down her face, and failing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Hate her? How could I ever hate her?_

________________________________Maybe I should feel betrayed or upset that she did this. I guess I am a little angry. But it doesn’t matter. She’s scared and she’s trying to do what she can to help me. She did the same thing I would do if I were worried about her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Of course I’m pissed that I’m now going to have my mom down my throat about what’s going on, when she’s probably the last person I want knowing about this. But right now, the woman I love thinks I hate her. So that’s the only thing I need to be worrying about right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________I grab the chair I was leaning against and place it right next to hers and sit down beside her. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her up close against me, pushing her head down onto my shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, I could never hate you. I can’t believe you would even _think _it’s possible me to feel like that about you.”__

I reach my hand down to gently caress her face when she still doesn’t stop crying, which makes me feel disgusted with myself. _What have I done to make her think I would hate her for this?_

“Even back when we didn’t like each other, I _never _hated you,” I continue, trying to think of how to possibly make her understand. “You drive me out of my mind,” I admit, grinning and nudging her slightly. “And you make me want to bang my head against a wall a lot, but that’s why I’m crazy about you.”__

______________________________________Finally, she laughs a little bit, and I feel a gracious wave of relief, but I’m still concerned why she would be so afraid that I would hate her in the first place._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Why would you think that, Rey?” I ask as she sits up straighter and begins calming herself down. She sighs as she brushes her hair out of her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“I don’t know,” she confesses, shaking her head as she closes her eyes. “Things have been so fucked up lately, I feel like I’m losing my mind. First I start with my nightmares, and now you… I don’t know what the hell is happening.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________I take her face in my hands and turn her toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Rey, when I… when I get like this, it doesn’t change anything I feel towards you. I know I’m more irritable and I’m acting like a total dick, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Yes, all of that is true,” she nods. I grin, rolling my eyes, but knowing I deserve worse than that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Ok, yes. But it doesn’t make me more angry at you. It might make me more angry towards other people, but not you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________Her face turns serious as she seems to be considering my words._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“I love you,” she says, looking up at me with an unsure look in her eyes. “I just want you to be ok.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“I will be,” I assure her. Unfortunately, the honesty that was very present in my voice before has suddenly wavered immensely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________I know she doesn’t believe me, but she nods anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________The truth is, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m doing everything I can to keep everything under control without doing anything insane that will just end up hurting Rey. But nothing seems to be working. It worked before when I was with her because I could just lose myself in her. But now, everytime I look at her, all I can see is the images of her dying before my eyes. The fear that it might happen at any moment. The memory that it almost did happen before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________I wish I could say that she makes me forget about anything torturing my mind, but now, I can’t even think about her without feeling the coldest, painful grip of fear on my heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	22. Chapter 22

Rey P.O.V.

Today has been one of the best days I’ve had in weeks. 

Finn, Poe, Jessika, Mark, Rose, and I have all gone down to Endor to spend the entire day working with a special needs school to volunteer at an animal shelter. And I know we’re supposed to be helping the children to have the animals as therapy, but it’s honestly been giving me a great deal of comfort as well. 

“I really hadn’t realized how much I needed to get away from the damn office,” I comment as I gently place a particularly chubby guinea pig back in its cage while Poe finishes filling the water thermoses. “And just… out of the city.” 

“Yeah, you’re telling me,” Jessika agrees, carrying in a bag of animal feed. “All that’s waiting for me back home is a phone bill I have to pay and a guy who won’t stop calling my house wondering why I broke up with him on our ‘three week-aversary’. The answer is literally in his question.”

“Oh, come on Jess,” Poe grins, reaching down to pat one of the guinea pigs that had come to curiously sniff at the water thermos. “He sounds nice!” 

“Yeah, you can’t break someone’s heart just because you think they’re odd,” I tease her. “If that were the case, Finn would have left Poe a long time ago.”

“I resent that,” Poe nods toward me, “and yet, I have no shame. But seriously,” he turns back to Jess, “is this the one that left the sunflowers on your doorstep with that note telling you ‘you’re the one’?” 

“No, that was last month, keep up!” she replies. 

“Can we just forget about all the drama waiting for us back in the city?” I ask, walking over toward the large cage over in the corner of the room. I open it and walk in, smiling warmly down at the group of bunnies laying around on the floor. “I mean, we have a whole palace of adorable creatures to give our attention to.” 

I reach down to pick up an especially chubby black and white furred bunny. 

“Rey, you’re too obsessed with the bunnies,” Poe tells me, grabbing the feed from Jessika and bringing it into the cage. 

I roll my eyes, holding the floppy-eared creature close to me while I gently pet my hand through it’s amazingly soft fur. It’s really true when they say animals are therapeutic.

“Maybe you should bring Kylo here,” Poe suggests as Jessika heads back out to gather the rest of the feed. “If I were him, I’d need therapy from having to hang around Hux for a good thirty percent of my life.”

I force myself to grin, as my mind actually begins to consider if this would be a good therapy for him. For other reasons than work, of course. But the only animal I’ve seen Kylo tolerate is Chewie, and I doubt holding a bunny or a guinea pig will be something he’s interested in. 

I’ve been spending whatever time I can, looking into ways Kylo would be able to get some help, since he’s been having nightmares practically every night, and I think he might be having them during the day as well. So far, it seems that talk therapy and exposure therapy are the best solutions for anxiety, but I’m not sure Kylo would be willing to tell anyone what has him so afraid, let alone let them help him get over it. 

I know it has something to do with me, and that’s why he’s been so distant with me. I’ve informed Leia of this, and she agrees. She’s talked to him a couple times and was able to get a little bit out of him, basically through guessing from the way he dodged certain questions she’d ask. She’s also looked into possible doctors to help him, but I think it’s a long shot for us to get him to go see a therapist. 

“Hello?”

I glance up at Poe and realize I probably look like a ghost. 

“What?” I ask, trying to snap myself out of my worries and return the smile to my face. 

“You suddenly look pretty unhappy for someone holding an overweight bunny,” he nods pointedly. 

“Snickerdoodle is not overweight,” I say defensively. He starts guffawing loudly as I stare at him in confusion. 

“What the hell?” he laughs, barely able to keep tears from his eyes. 

“That’s his name!” I explain, nodding toward the poster outside the cage that tells the names of all the bunnies. “The black and white one is Snickerdoodle. Quite looking at me like I’m a crazy person!” I try to continue defending myself, but I begin laughing too, probably frightening the poor animal I’m still cradling in my arms. 

“A crazy bunny lady is slightly better than a crazy cat lady,” Poe tells me, his tone sounding serious. 

“Poe, promise me, if I start talking about buying a bunch of bunnies to keep me company, don’t let me do it. Because I feel I’m on the verge.” 

“My dear, that is what we call, a mid-life crisis,” he grins sympathetically, gently patting me on the shoulder before heading back out of the cage. “Come on, we have children who are waiting to hold these bunnies, you can’t keep hogging everything.” 

I stare down at the ball of fluff, who stares back up at me with wide eyes, his nose twitching slightly. I smile to myself and set him back down on the straw covered floor of the cage, where he hops over to his group of friends waiting for him. 

It’s been a while since I’ve honestly lost myself in work, like the way I used to the first couple of years I started working at First Order. But now, there’s nothing I want more than to hang out with a bunch of little kids, who aren’t connected to anything going on in my life right now. And the animals are probably helping me as much as they’re helping the kids. 

* * * 

Kylo P.O.V.

I open my eyes to find myself surrounded by blood red walls. I blink in confusion, realizing I’m laying on my side, against a painfully solid floor. I feel my limbs cracking as I slowly push myself up to my hands and knees, as if I’ve been laying here for hours.

I stare straight ahead to see a dark grey throne sitting at the head of the room. I look ahead in confusion as I stand to my feet, briefly glancing down over myself to see I’m dressed very oddly, once again.

I gaze at the towering throne with confusion, trying to think if I’ve seen it before or not, when I suddenly hear my name called from the side of the room.

My head turns to see a figure standing near the bright red wall, staring back at me with an expression I can’t read.

I grin, feeling a great surge of ease when I realize it’s Rey. I almost hadn’t recognized her because she’s dressed weirdly as well. She looks like she’s wearing the same thing she was in when we were in the snow, except her hair is hanging down over her shoulders, pulled away from her face. 

As I get closer to her, I’m about to ask her if she knows what’s going on, but I suddenly see that she’s crying.

“ _What’s wrong? _” I ask, my own voice sounding miles away. More tears spill down her face as anger sears through her eyes.__

“ _You’re a monster _,” she hisses at me, her voice shaking with rage. I stop moving toward her, her words hitting my like a knife in my chest. I stare at her in bewilderment, my breathing becoming shallowed as I feel fear pulse through my body.__

______Her eyes shift to look behind me as her as they glisten with tears, and I turn to follow her gaze._ _ _ _ _ _

____Horror shocks through me as I look at the maze of dead bodies strewn throughout the room, covering the shiny black floor I had just been laying against a couple seconds ago. My eyes widen in fear and disbelief as I stare at the blood soaked bodies that look gruesomely slain, their skin charred as the smell of fresh blood and burnt flesh fills the air._ _ _ _

My gaze slowly lowers to the object I hadn’t realized I was gripping in my hand. My eyes land on the same cylindrical device I had with me back in the forest. _I did this…_

________The room around us suddenly blurs, as if it were melting, the bright red walls looking as if they had been shredded, rafters falling from the ceiling in a shower of flames._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I throw the weapon to the ground as I run towards Rey._ _ _ _ _ _

______She backs away, her eyes glaring at me threateningly._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Stay away from me _,” she warns, her voice filled with hate as her eyes bore into me with disgust._ Why is she so afraid? She knows I won’t hurt her._

____________I continue running toward her, ignoring her warnings and moving forward until I’m standing in front of her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________And then, as if my body were being controlled by someone else, I grab her by the throat, yanking her toward me, before violently throwing her to the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Her body lands against the floor with a thump, knocking the wind out of her and weakening her enough for me to get on top of her and hold her down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I try screaming at myself to stop, try to take control of the hands that are now reaching down to close around her neck. But I feel like I’m getting smaller and smaller, sinking into myself until I hardly exist, unable to fight against whatever force has suddenly possessed my movement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My teeth grit together as I try keeping a strong grip on her throat when she starts thrashing, her hands clawing at mine as she gasps for breath. I press my fingers harder against the soft skin of her neck until she can no longer make a sound, only open her mouth in a silent scream as she struggles for air that she’ll never breathe again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I breath heavily as her eyes stare back up at me pleadingly, wide with terror as I once again tighten my grip, my arms shaking with the effort. My eyes go blind with the flames now surrounding the room as I finish crushing her throat, feeling the life leave her as her hands release my wrists and drop to the floor beside her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My eyes stare through the red mist blinding my vision, at her lifeless body laying in front of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I killed her… I killed her…_

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________My eyes open and I immediately sit up, wide awake as the sound of choking fills the room. I’ve been sleeping incredibly light ever since Kylo’s started having nightmares, just for this reason._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I look next to me to see him thrashing against the sheets, gasping and sputtering as his arms cross his chest, his hands circled around his own neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Kylo!” I scream, grabbing him and trying to shake him awake, although he’s already tossing and turning, so I’m not making much of a difference. I grip his wrists, trying to pry his hands away from his throat, but his grip only seems to tighten. “Kylo, _stop! _”__

________________I retract my hands from his arms and hesitate for a moment, before rearing my arm back and slapping him across the face as hard as I can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________His eyes open as he stop thrashing, but his hands still close around his throat. I take them in mine and pull them away from his neck as he gasps, his lungs filling with air, his eyes closing briefly with deliriousness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I sit back, my hands shaking, unsure of what I should do, so I decide to let him catch his breath and wake up a little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It takes a minute or so before he sits up, his eyes filled with fear, looking as if he’s just seen something horrifying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Kylo, what happened?” I ask, keeping my voice as soft as possible as I reach out to gently touch his arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He snatches his arm away from me, his eyes suddenly staring at mine, looking absolutely terrified. I stare back at him, my expression soon matching his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________We just gaze at each other for a moment, him looking more scared than I’ve ever seen him before, and me wondering if there has ever been a time he’s refused to touch me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Of course my first instinct is to ask him what’s going on. But something inside me tells me there’s no point in trying to reach him now. I’ve never seen him look so frightened, except perhaps when he’d rescued me in the basement. Maybe not even then._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________As I watch him lay back down, his eyes closing as his ragged breathing begins to calm down, I wonder how things have gotten so bad that I feel it’s pointless to try talking to the man I love to find out what’s wrong. Ever since we’ve been together, he’s always been reluctant to tell me when he’s not feeling well or something is wrong, but he’s never kept anything from me. Not until now. He’s always told me everything. About his past, about how scared he was of becoming his grandfather, how scared he is of hurting the people around him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________For some reason, whatever he’s hiding from me now, is worse than all of that. And since he refuses to tell me, I can’t help but imagine the worst. If he doesn’t want me to know, I can only guess that means he feels guilty about something. Or maybe he’s afraid of how I’ll react. Which terrifies me. What does he think will happen if he just talks to me? What is he so scared of?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________As I sit and watch him fall asleep, I find myself shaking slightly as tears begin falling from my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I put my hand to my mouth as I try to silent my sobbing, not wanting to wake him up again. I reach out to brush my hand against his hair as I think of how much has changed in just the past month or so. It feels like just yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I’d never felt more in love with him. And the very next day, everything had changed so suddenly. Now I feel as if I haven’t talked to him, or felt connected to him, or even _touched _him since then.__

__________________I’ve heard about couples outgrowing each other over time. Falling out of love. It’s something I always feared would happen when I was younger, and was the reason I never actively sought anyone out, because I wasn’t so keen on going through all of that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I dig my teeth into my lip, these thoughts bringing an indescribable pain to my chest that I can’t even begin to describe. _No. That’s not what is happening. We’re going through a rough time, that’s all. People go through it all the time._

____________________My hand continues mindlessly stroking through his hair while he sleeps as I sob into my other hand, unable to keep those horrible fears out of my head that Kylo really might be changing into someone I don’t love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	23. Chapter 23

Kylo P.O.V.

Last night was the worst night in my life.

Even when I think about the hell-filled night I went through when Rey had been taken and I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive, I still feel a greater surge of pain when thinking about what went through my head last night.

I had killed her. In my dream, I had killed her. I crushed her throat until I felt the life leave her. And it felt so real.

I run my hand over the counter as I pace through the kitchen, the emptiness of the house ringing with silence. I had to leave work before something happened. I could feel it coming. It was lucky enough I ran into Finn while going to the elevator to tell him to tell Rey that I had gone home for lunch in case she asked.

Every day since that first nightmare, my mind has been plagued with fear any time she is away from me. My brain forces me to picture a million different things that could happen to her if I’m not with her, my nightmares forcing me to watch even more realistic scenarios of her being taken from me. Leaving me alone. 

But last night, it was me. I had been the one to hurt her.

A loud ringing blasts through my ears and I bring my hands to my head, gritting in pain. My vision swims as I remember Luke’s many warnings of what had happened to Anakin. My grandfather. My blood.

His dreams had tortured him for months until they finally came true. He had been afraid, angry, pushed everyone away when he really just wanted someone to help him. He had been like me. 

That’s what this is. The nightmares, warning me that Rey will die, that I will be the cause of her death, one way or another. Even if by accident, I will be the one to end her life. 

I scream out in pain as my chest suddenly feels as if it’s caving in on itself. _I’ll be like this when I kill her. How I was when I threw the glass at the counter. When I wasn’t even aware she was there. She’ll be trying to get to me, screaming for me to stop, and I won’t be able to see her… ___

__I glance up in front of me and see I have moved across the kitchen. I reach out and open the drawer in front of me, grabbing a knife from the array of silverware._ _

__I turn around, gripping the knife in my hand by the blade, feeling it begin to cut through my skin. I try desperately to focus on the pain and make it bring me back down from the dark thoughts beginning to take over. The darkness I’ve always been able to keep below the surface any time it came near. But it’s not going away this time._ _

__I choke back the tears that fill my eyes as I realize I’ve truly destroyed everything in my life. There’s no way for me to be happy with Rey. There’s no way for me to be happy at all. She’ll come home and I’ll have to tell her what’s wrong, what’s been destroying me this whole time. She’ll leave me when she sees how fucking sick I am, and I’ll be alone._ _

_I’ve lost her. I lost her because I couldn’t keep this under control. I’m not going to live through this._

______I feel a swell of burning hate for my grandfather as I clutch the blade deeper into my hand. He gave me this fucking illness. If it weren’t for him, I would have been just fine, I would have had a fucking life, I wouldn’t have to lose Rey… I would be capable of being loved instead of being some psychotic maniac who has nightmares of killing the woman I love._ _ _ _ _ _

____I slam my hand against the counter, the knife firmly embedded in my skin as blood soaks down through my fingers, splattering against the black marble counter._ _ _ _

____My hand goes to my chest as it feels as if my heartbeat is slowing down, my throat caught somewhere between screaming in fury, and sobbing in pain._ _ _ _

_No. I will never hurt Rey. Even if this sickness tries to make me, I won’t let anything happen to her. Even if it kills me, I won’t let anything hurt her._

________My breathing comes in choked gasps as the room starts to tilt, as if the house were being pushed onto its side. My head throbs painfully as the knife drops from my hand and I try to grab onto the edge of the counter to steady myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I suddenly begin to lose feeling throughout my body as I remember I haven’t been able to take a normal breath for, what feels like forever._ _ _ _ _ _

______The last thoughts that cross my mind before I feel the darkness finally circle around me, are wondering if perhaps I’m dying, and if Rey will be alright. And wishing she was here right now to help me, that I hadn’t pushed away the one person who might have had the power to help me._ _ _ _ _ _

______Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _

______I don’t know what has compelled me to go home to Kylo once Finn had told me he’d went home for lunch. I guess we’ve been so far apart lately, I feel like I miss him. Maybe I thought this would be a good time to talk to him about whatever happened last night, and rid myself of this horrible fear that has started eating away at my mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know, this is the second time I’ve had to do this with you guys,” Poe says jokingly as he pulls up alongside the house. “If both of you want to go home, you should leave together instead of wasting my gas.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m sorry, Poe,” I shake my head guiltily. “I suppose our communication hasn’t been quite so efficient lately.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is everything ok?” he asks, his eyes narrowing with sudden seriousness. I’m about to automatically respond with a lie, but he continues. “Before you lie, I just want to tell you that the both of you have been acting like zombies the past few weeks, and I… well, I just wanted to remind you that, I’m here for you. And Kylo.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel an overwhelming sense of gratefulness for somehow having such an amazing friend in my life who knows exactly what to say at just the right time._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you,” I tell him appreciatively. “Of course I know you’re here for us, how else would we be able to get places in such a short amount of time?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I do what I can,” he gloats. I smile, turning to step out of the car._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’ll see you in a bit, tell the others to get started on the report and I’ll help when I get back.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sure thing boss, I’ll let ‘em know.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I close the door and give him one final wave before he drives off and I turn to go up to the house._ _ _ _ _ _

______As I open the door and walk into the house, I realize I never even wondered why Kylo wanted to come home in the first place. Maybe he needed some time alone. I probably should have called him before I came over._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo?” I call out as I walk into the unusually quiet house. I step into the living room, looking around and wondering if perhaps he’s outside or upstairs._ _ _ _ _ _

______Then my eyes land on a figure laying on the ground in front of the counter in the kitchen._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Kylo! _”__

__________In less than a second, my heart rate has increased to the point where I can hear it pounding in my ears, my limbs shaking violently, fear gripping every inch of me as my purse drops to the ground and I run over to where Kylo is collapsed on the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Kylo, what happened?” I ask, my voice shaking as tears fill my eyes. I fall to my knees beside him, grabbing ahold of his shoulder and turning him onto his back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To my relief, I see he’s conscious. His body is trembling all over, his mouth open slightly as small, barely audible gasps come from his throat. He can’t breathe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His eyes fill with relief when he sees me and I freeze for a moment, looking over him as if I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong and help him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I snap myself out of it and run back over to my purse, quickly yanking out my phone before running back over to him, immediately taking ahold of his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“911, what’s your-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“My boyfriend isn’t breathing, I need you to send an ambulance right now,” I manage out, hardly even able to hear myself over the blood pounding in my head. “I came home and he… I don’t know, he’s on the floor and he can’t move-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Has he ingested anything poisonous?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I don’t know!” I reply. “I don’t know what’s wrong, I need you to send somebody _now! _”__

____________“What is the address, ma’am?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I quickly tell her the address, looking back down at Kylo to see him staring up at me pleadingly, while he struggles to breathe, acting as if there were something pressing down against his chest, preventing his lungs from filling with oxygen. I don’t even see his chest moving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“We can have an ambulance there in ten minutes,” the operator tells me after a brief pause. _Ten minutes?!_

“I can’t wait that long,” I reply, tears spilling down my face as I watch the color begin to leave Kylo’s face, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment before he stares back up at me. _I can get him to the hospital faster…_

________________I hang up the phone, keeping ahold of his hand and pulling his arm around my shoulder, using my other hand to push him up, my stomach lurching with horror when I see the mutilated state of his other hand, bloodied in so many places, I can’t even see where the wound is. But I can’t focus on it now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Kylo, I need you to help me,” I tell him, my teeth gritting together as I wrap my arm around his back and under his arm. “I need you to stand up so I can get you to the car.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I don’t even know if he has the ability to move at all, but I use every bit of strength I have to get him up from the floor. To my surprise, he moves his legs a bit, pushing himself up slightly and managing to somewhat balance on his feet as I long as I keep ahold of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I pull him across the room, toward the front door, grabbing my keys from the table before somehow managing to pull open the front door while still keeping my arm around his ribs, holding him up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I drag him over to the Honda, reaching down to open the passenger’s side door. I quickly maneuver him around me and get him into the car, leaning down to buckle his seatbelt before closing the door and running around to the other side of the car._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When I get in, I look over to see him blindly reaching around, his hand searching for something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I touch my hand against his, and he grips onto it as if it were a lifeline. I bite my lip as I gently squeeze his hand, before grabbing his wrist and placing his hand against my thigh. Of course I want to hold his hand, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to drive with only one hand on the steering wheel, especially in the state I’m in at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________His hand now grips my leg as I pull out of the driveway and head speed toward the hospital, ignoring pretty much every stop sign and red light I come across. People are probably screaming and honking at me, but I don’t hear them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Just focus on breathing,” I say, just to calm my own nerves, even though it’s probably a stupid thing to tell him. His nails dig into my thigh as I hear him struggle to take a deep breath. “Keep breathing, Kylo. Keep breathing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Please keep fucking breathing…_

__________________It takes me only a few minutes until we’re pulling up to the hospital just outside the city. I’ve barely put the car in park before I’m outside, sprinting to the other side of the car to yank him out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I drag him to the entrance, not even waiting for him to try and put his feet properly on the ground, instead finding a new sense of physical strength in me I didn’t even know was possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I need help!” I scream, looking around the room for wherever I’m supposed to take him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The people at the front desk quickly get on some kind of intercom, and soon enough, there is a group of nurses bringing out a cot. A man and woman grab him and pull him away from me, but he still keeps ahold of my hand, dragging me with him while they lay him down on the bed and ask him if he’s eaten anything poisonous or that he’s allergic to. Then they tell him to open his mouth so they can look down his throat and see what’s wrong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Nothing swollen,” one of the nurses says, which should make me relax, but it makes me more worried. “Could be a panic attack.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Of course. What else would it be? Holy shit, I can't believe I didn’t even think of that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What happened here?” one of the nurses asks, looking down at his hand as the others start to get, what I guess is a sedative, ready to insert in his arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I think he cut himself,” I answer shakily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Ma’am, I need you to step back and wait in the waiting room so we can take him back and examine him,” one of the nurses is saying to me, trying to push me away gently._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Suddenly, it’s as if someone had shot a bolt of energy into Kylo’s body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________As soon as my hand leaves his, he shoots up from the bed, reaching to grab my hand again, something between a growl and a sob escaping his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I shove the nurse off me and run back to him, stroking my hand down his head to try to calm him down as the nurses push him back down onto the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Ben, it’s ok,” I tell him, trying to speak through my tears and the painful jab in my heart. His eyes gaze back up at me in a mixture of anger and fear. As if he were afraid for me to leave him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________One of the nurses grabs his arm and rolls up his sleeve, preparing to give him the sedative. He tries yanking away from the many hands trying to hold him down, and I just continue caressing him, hoping it will calm him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re going to be ok,” I whisper to him, trying to get him to keep his attention on me while they insert the needle in his arm. I know I’m probably not being very convincing, since I am sobbing all over him, but I try my best. I just keep holding his hand and touching his face, and it seems to keep him still enough for them to sedate him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________His hand eventually drops from mine and his head falls back against the white mattress of the cot, his eyes glazing over as the drug spreads through him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I back away from the chaos as the small group of nurses take him back to the emergency room, leaving me standing in the middle of the room, looking as if I had just got dragged down the street, I’m sure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I hold my hands to my chest, wringing them so hard, I’m afraid my fingers might break. I try telling my brain that I need to move, go into the waiting room and call Leia to tell her what happened. But I stay, frozen in place, unable to process what just happened, unable to force myself from staring, unblinkingly ahead at where Kylo had disappeared to, the walls of the hospital blurred by the tears flooding my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I feel another nurse gently holding my arms, guiding me over to the waiting room, telling me that everything is going to be alright, and asking me if there is anyone they should call. But it takes me a while before I can answer her without feeling like I’m going to fall apart right there in her arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	24. Chapter 24

Rey P.O.V.

Leia gets here about only five minutes after I’ve called her, and I’m guessing she ignored the same traffic laws that I did. 

I’ve never seen her look so worried. It’s enough to make me sick all over again, though I’m sure I look a million times worse than she does. We barely even exchange words when she comes in, we just embrace each other, our looks enough to explain all our worries.

She tries talking to everyone at the front desk to try and find out what’s wrong, but of course, I already tried that. No one can tell us what’s happening until the doctor is done examining him. Which seems to be taking hours.

Finally, Leia and I rocket out of our seats when we see someone in a lab coat come out of one of the rooms down the hall and walk toward us. 

We run up to him, wanting to ask him a million questions, but our mouths are unable to do anything but choke on our words.

“He’s ok,” is the first thing the man tells us, giving us some initial comfort. “We’ve examined him, and there’s nothing physically wrong, aside from his hand, which might have been the cause of the… outburst.” 

“I don’t think so,” I quickly answer without thinking, gaining a surprised look from Leia.

She and the doctor wait for me to explain, and I realize this isn’t really for me to tell, but I might as well, so long as we’re talking to a doctor and I never want anything like this to happen again.

“He was probably trying to stop the panic attack by cutting his hand,” I say, still feeling a hint of guilt, even though I know I need to tell them this.

“It sounds to me that he’d be better treated in the psych ward-”

“No,” Leia and I answer, maybe a little more harshly than intended. The doctor looks between the two of us, taken aback by the strong outburst.

“Is he awake yet?” Leia asks, her tone filled with distress.

“He’ll be awake in a little while, we’ve given him a strong sedative when he started waking up again.” The doctor looks to me. “He was quite adamant about seeing you, but we had to sedate him again because he was trying to leave the room.”

He pauses, turning more towards me and looking like he is about to explain something he isn’t sure I’ll be able to understand. 

“Miss, we have to-”

“Just let me talk to him,” I say, already starting to walk down the hall toward the room they’d taken him to. “He’ll calm down if he sees me-”

“We’ve already sent him to the psychiatric ward,” the doctor informs us, causing my footsteps to freeze.

I’m sure I look absolutely astounded, but it’s nothing compared to how enraged Leia looks.

“You did _what?! _” she exclaims, looking as if she were ready to tackle the man to the ground. Knowing her, she might.__

__“I’m not sure the two of you understand the severity of this,” he tells us, the sympathy leaving his voice, replaced by an authoritative tone. “He has had a psychotic episode. He needs mental treatment. The law requires us to admit anyone who is in danger of harming themselves or others, or if they’re judgement is impaired to the point where it can get worse if something isn’t done.”_ _

__His face softens slightly as he looks at Leia, who still seems to be processing all of this._ _

__“I’m sorry to say, but your son is showing all of these signs.”_ _

“And as his _mother _, I believe I would have liked to have been consulted before this decision was made.”__

______“I’m afraid you have no say, since he’s well over eighteen.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____We all go silent as I try to comprehend how I’m going to get Kylo out of there. I’m no doctor, but I know this man almost like I know myself, and I know that doing this will only isolate him more._ _ _ _

____Maybe I’m just afraid I’ll lose him if he thinks I was the one who allowed him to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. If going to a therapist freaked him out, this will actually make him go crazy._ _ _ _

____“How long are you planning on keeping him?” I ask, glancing up at the signs on the walls and looking for the one that points to the psych ward._ _ _ _

____“We have to keep him for at least twelve days while we finish diagnosing him. They’ll find out the extent of the illness and most likely put him on different medications to see what will help. In that case, most likely, he’ll be here a lot longer.”_ _ _ _

____I feel as if I’m about to sink to the floor, while Leia looks as if she’s been kicked into high gear._ _ _ _

____“I think we need to discuss this privately,” she says, her voice suddenly calm. “I’m assuming you’re the one who’s filed his application to be admitted?”_ _ _ _

____“Yes,” he confirms. “And yes, it would be best to talk privately, one he’s had a doctor assigned to him. Once we have him officially diagnosed and we figure out what the procedures will be, we can talk about arranging visitations.”_ _ _ _

____I start to tune out everything Leia and the doctor are saying to each other, feeling as if I’d like very much to disappear._ _ _ _

____I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s wrong with Kylo. I know it is probably best for him to get this kind of treatment, but something about it feels wrong, for him at least. I feel as if this will only make him feel more alone._ _ _ _

____But if he won’t let his parents help him, and he won’t let me help him, I don’t know what else to do._ _ _ _

____The large sliding doors down at the entrance hum open, and two figures come bounding in, looking straight ahead at us. I don’t know why, but the sight of them calms be immensely._ _ _ _

____Luke immediately goes straight to Leia, who looks as relieved as I feel, taking her in his arms, a small look of something I don’t understand passing between them._ _ _ _

____He’s calm as he asks the doctor to explain what happened, keeping his composure better than Leia and I have. I don’t know how he manages it. Han on the other hand… I’ve never seen him look so utterly terrified._ _ _ _

____It reminds me even more of his son, the way looking afraid isn’t something you’d expect to see from them, making it all the more alarming when you do._ _ _ _

____But when Han’s scattered gaze lands on me, it’s as if we’re looking in a mirror. It reminds me of whenever Kylo and I are able to pretty much express an entire conversation through nothing more than a few quick glances._ _ _ _

____I run forward in a few rapid steps before we quickly embrace each other in a comforting hug, understanding every fear and terror weighing on each other’s mind, sharing an odd kind of bond._ _ _ _

____I’ve never thought much about having a father figure in my life. Perhaps I never much thought about any other male figure, since I’ve had Finn and Poe for most of my life, who are practically my brothers, and then I soon had Kylo, whom I’ve never shared a stronger connection with._ _ _ _

____But in this moment, I’ve never wished more for a father of my own to comfort me, while at the same time, being beyond grateful that Han is here for me now._ _ _ _

____“Do they know what’s wrong?” he asks me after we’ve come apart, easily keeping any fearfulness out of his voice._ _ _ _

____“He’s had some kind of… episode,” I explain, unable to keep my own fear from trembling through my words. “I came home and I found him on the floor and he wasn’t breathing. Has that ever happened before?”_ _ _ _

____“No,” he answers, sounding even more worried. He looks me over, no doubt taking in my frazzled state. “How are you doing, kid? You don’t look too good yourself.”_ _ _ _

____“I feel like I’m losing my mind,” I admit, taking a moment to calm myself before I freak out again. “I don’t know what’s going on, I just want to see him-”_ _ _ _

“You haven’t even _seen _him yet?!” he questions in outrage. I shake my head, watching him turn toward the group standing beside us.__

________“Can somebody tell me what the fuck you’re doing with my son?” he demands, interrupting whatever conversation they were engaged in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Han,” Luke warns, but it falls on deaf ears._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We haven’t officially diagnosed him,” the doctor begins explaining._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Then why the hell haven’t we seen him yet, are you keeping us in suspense or something?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Han, that’s enough,” Leia chastises._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, I’d say that’s hardly enough,” he continues, turning back toward the doctor, ready to resume his rampage._ _ _ _ _ _

“I want to see him,” I speak up, hoping to cease the tension, but also getting tired of all this bullshit. “ _Now. _”__

__________The doctor looks like he’s about to protest, before Han shoots him another, quite murderous look. He glances down at his watch, looking hesitant._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, he should be waking up soon,” he admits. “If you insist-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Fantastic,” Han celebrates sarcastically, before gesturing to me. “You may show this young lady the way.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The doctor nods, before turning down the hall, still looking like he doesn’t agree with any of this. I go to follow him, and Leia soon starts behind me, before Han gently grabs ahold of her arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I think it’d be best if it’s just Rey for now,” he says, much to Leia’s confusion. “I’m not sure he’ll want an entire audience right away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For once, the doctor looks as if he’s in agreement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I don’t care what he wants,” she replies, extreme irritation lacing her tone, and I really can’t blame her. We’ve been waiting here a long fucking time. “I’m his mother and I’m going to see him. Han, our son nearly _died _today, do you realize this?”__

____________“I do,” he assures her, turning her towards him. “But let him and Rey talk for a minute or two before we all go rushing in there, give him a moment to gather himself. And then, yes, we’re going in whether he’s happy about it or not.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She still looks unconvinced, but after a brief moment of consideration, and an agreeing nod from Luke, she sighs in acceptance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll tell him you’re here,” I say to her, hopefully giving her some comfort, though of course it probably doesn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’m lead all the way to the end of the hall, then down into the psych ward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I don’t really know what I was expecting. When you hear the words ‘psych ward’, I suppose you think of something out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. A creepy room with a bunch of people in hospital gowns or straight jackets walking around, talking to themselves or screaming and crying. But that’s not what it’s like at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It looks just like any other place in the hospital: plain white walls, a few chairs here and there, people just wearing sweatshirts and sweatpants, walking around as if it were their own home. We pass a large, gym-like room where there’s a tv, a few tables, some couches, and a medication window._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It isn’t the creepy, horrific picture I’d had in my mind, but it still is pretty bleak._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’m led down where, I guess the bedrooms are, where we come to a stop at the door in the middle of the hall. The doctor reaches down to turn the handle, and I find myself surprised that they didn’t lock it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I can see why once we enter the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I step into an incredibly small bedroom that has nothing but a bed, a closet, a small shelf, a chair, and an open doorway that must lead into the bathroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But, the only thing that holds my attention is the fact that my boyfriend is strapped down to the bed, as if he were some kind of animal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why is he like that?” I ask, my voice shaking, half in anger, half in horror at what I’m seeing, because a sickened part of my mind is suddenly thrown the image of when I was strapped down to a table and being cut open._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We had to restrain him when he started becoming agitated again-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“But he’s unconscious, why do you still need to restrain him?” I ask, walking up to the bed and grabbing at the strap on his wrist. “Undo these.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We’ll have to make sure he’s calmed down before I can-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Isn’t that what a fucking sedative is supposed to do?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I take a deep breath, realizing I’m probably overreacting, and this man is just doing what he’s supposed to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sorry,” I say, dropping the strap from my hand and grasping Kylo’s hand in mine. The doctor nods in understanding. I’m sure he’s probably had to deal with much more hysterical family members of patients in his lifetime._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m guessing you would prefer to be left alone with him?” he offers. I nod, my fingers slowly rubbing against Kylo’s hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I grab the chair and drag it over next to the bed to sit down, reaching up to brush his messy dark hair out of his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I haven’t seen him look this relaxed in sleep for weeks. I know that’s only because the drug pretty much immobilizes you, and I can only hope that he’s not having any nightmares. Because if he wakes up and freaks out, it’s not going to look good if there’s any chance of him getting out of these damn restraints._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________After a couple minutes, I see him beginning to turn his head slightly, and I practically jump out of my seat, clutching his hand in mine as he finally opens his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo?” I whisper softly, gently stroking his arm as he looks around the room tiredly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Rey?” he responds after a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yes, I’m here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He looks up at me, starting to come to his senses a bit. He tries to sit up, yanking against the restraints in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Just relax,” I tell him, placing my hand against his shoulder and slowly pushing him back down. “I’m sorry, I asked them to take them off, but they can’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Tell them to take them off now,” he says, twisting his wrists and ankles uncomfortably in the straps, and I see him starting to panic again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, you’re ok,” I say, quickly placing my hand against his cheek and turning him to face me. “But you need to calm down, or they’re going to keep them on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What did I do?” he asks, his eyes narrowing at me with concern. “Why am I here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stare at him, my mouth hanging open slightly. I’ve literally prepared for every reaction he might have, except this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Rey, did I hurt someone?” he asks in a severe tone. His eyes widen with worry. “Did I… did I hurt you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No,” I reassure him, quickly shaking my head and placing my other hand on top of his. “You didn’t hurt anyone Kylo, you just…” I glance down at his bandaged left hand. He follows my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He sighs, laying his head back on the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Did you see?” he asks, closing his eyes, as if he doesn’t want to hear my answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No,” I repeat. “I came home and found you on the floor. I think you cut your hand with one of the kitchen knives. You were awake when I found you… you don’t remember?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What’s the last thing you remember?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I remember feeling like something bad was about to happen. I remember telling Finn to tell you I was going home… I kind of remember driving home… nothing after that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I don’t know what to say to make him feel better. I’m not sure I should say anything at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sorry, Rey. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounds broken, like he’s given up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You don’t have to be sorry,” I tell him, astounded that he would feel guilty about something completely out of his control. “It’s not as if you did this on purpose.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You don’t deserve this. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kylo, we’ve been through this. You’re stuck with me, whether things are good or bad.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He doesn’t answer, but opens his eyes and turns to look at me, his hand gripping onto mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m guessing I’m in the psych ward,” he infers, and I nod. I can tell he’s trying to stifle the fear this fact no doubt brings him with an expression of unconcern._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Your parents are here,” I assure him. “So is Luke. They’re not going to let them keep you here. _I’m _not going to let them keep you here.”__

____________He gives a sarcastic smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I don’t think they’ll leave that decision up to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stare down at him for a moment, another thought crossing my mind that I hadn’t previously considered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Do you _want _to be here?”__

______________He looks up at me as if that was the last thing he expected me to ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No,” he quickly answers, beginning to look panicked again. “Rey, I… I know I’ve been distant lately and I probably haven’t been treating you like I should, and… maybe there were times when you thought I was angry at you or I didn’t love you, but… if I’m away from you, I really will lose my mind.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I nod, a lump forming in my throat as I feel slightly guilty when I realize how bad I needed to hear that from him. I’m supposed to be making him feel better, not the other way around._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey, I don’t know…” he tries taking a deep breath to calm himself down, and I hold onto him as tears start to spill from my eyes once again. “I don’t know what you’ll be able to do, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He struggles to explain, but I nod reassuringly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know,” I tell him, reaching up to brush my hand through his hair. “You’re coming home with me, no matter what we have to do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I really don’t know what will help him at this point. Maybe it isn’t wise of me to take him away from a place that could potentially help him. But all I can see is the man I love, terrified of being left alone in a strange, isolated place, something that would terrify me as well if I were in his position._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I think that Luke will be able to help you,” I offer, not knowing what his reaction to that will be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Luke?” he grins, a look of fondness crossing his face, which takes me aback._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Um… yes.” I smile in disbelief. “That wasn’t quite the response I was expecting.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He shakes his head, his expression matching mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I never thought I’d be so relieved for him to be here,” he admits. This confession brings me tremendous comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“That’s good,” I say, laughing a bit, still in shock. I stand up from the chair I was sitting in. “I’ll go tell them you’re awake, everyone’s pretty anxious to see you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Could we wait a couple more minutes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I stare at him oddly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t you want to get those restraints off?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yes, but… could we just be alone for a little while? We don’t have to talk, I just…” He shrugs, staring up at me and looking as if he doesn’t know how to describe what he wants to say. “I know I don’t remember anything, but I feel like… I miss you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I bite my lip, nodding in agreement as more tears continue to fall freely down my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I miss you too,” I manage out, my voice practically gone from all the crying I’ve done in the past couple of hours._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I walk back over to the bed, laying down beside him and kissing him desperately on his lips. I realize it’s actually been a while since I’ve kissed him, which is suddenly quite a shock to the both of us. We used to never go a full day without kissing each other at least a hundred times._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I wrap my arms around him and rest my head against his shoulder, feeling more intimate with him than I have in weeks, which is odd considering the current setting we’re in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Where are my pants?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I sit up slightly, looking down at the grey sweatpants he’s wearing, suddenly realizing they’re not his. I look back up his body to see him wearing the same shirt he’d been wearing before, but his jeans are nowhere to be seen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I don’t know,” I answer, the both of us beginning to laugh. “Kylo, I literally have no idea where your pants are. Or why they took your pants.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Fuck, I am a mess,” he sighs, still grinning at the absurdity of it all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Well, that’s why we love you,” I grin up at him. “It’s always an adventure. And by the way, speaking of people who love you. Your mother is going to come kicking the door down any second now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh shit,” he groans quietly, making me giggle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sorry, but she’s the first person I called.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I can’t believe she hasn’t shoved her way in here already.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“She wanted to. I’ve never seen her look so determined, and I’ve worked for her for about seven years now. I swear Kylo, you have your father’s moods and your mother’s stubbornness.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I love you, Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I turn my head to look back up at him, caught off guard by his saddened tone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Thank you,” he whispers, his eyes lowering slightly. “If it weren’t for you… I probably would have ended up in here a long time ago.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I smile back up at him, and narrow my eyes teasingly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t be ridiculous. We both know I’m the one who drives you crazy, you tell me all the time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	25. Chapter 25

Luke P.O.V.

Rey and Ben are left alone for almost ten minutes, and Leia can hardly stand it after a while. I try to remind her that it’s better for Ben to have someone he’s more comfortable with to be with him for now, just until he’s able to comprehend where he is and what’s happened. 

I already know his reaction won’t be good. This is something I always worried about. Anakin of course got much worse than Ben has ever gotten, but Obi-Wan managed to keep him away from any hospitals throughout his life. Of course, being of the Jedi religion, we believe in a more spiritual approach to healing, rather than hospitalization. 

But Ben’s resistance to any and every form of help he’s been offered has nearly left us no choice. I still believe I can reach him, talk some sense into him, especially now that he has someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Seeing the deep connection they share, I’d hoped that perhaps it’d be enough to prevent him from having this horror continue. But I sense that it is having the exact opposite effect.

I haven’t told Leia or Han, and I won’t tell them until absolutely necessary. But of course I know why Ben has suddenly started behaving this way. Whatever thing he’s so afraid of, whatever is making him so agitated and cut off from everyone, is something to do with Rey. And knowing my father’s past, it must be some deep seated fear that something terrible will happen to her. An exact mirror of the direction Anakin’s mental state took.

In a way, I’m relieved by this fact. Obi-Wan pretty much prepared me for this my entire life, just in case it happened to me. Now that I know exactly what Ben must be facing, I know exactly what I need to do to finally help him out of this. And now that he has the motivation of living a long and happy life with Rey, I assume he will be much more willing to allow himself to be helped.

Once Rey comes walking tentatively down the hall, we all pretty much lunge at the poor woman, wanting to know what happened and if he is ok. 

“He’s ready to see you all now,” she says, nodding reassuringly. “He’s alright. He doesn’t remember anything that happened, so I wouldn’t ask him about it.”

We nod in understanding, and she steps aside, letting us walk past toward the psych ward while she heads back toward the waiting room. 

As soon as we arrive in his room and see him strapped down to the bed, Leia and Han pretty much lose their minds, demanding the nurse who showed us over here that she release him this instant. She brings in one of the psychiatrists and I explain to him, as politely as I can, that my nephew is quite calmed enough to not need to be restrained. Thankfully, after briefly looking him over, and only irritating him more, the psychiatrist agrees to undo the straps. 

Leia immediately kicks into mother-mode, asking him how he feels, if he needs anything, if the nurses are treating him right, which of course he can’t remember. I can tell he’s annoyed, I suppose as any adult would be with their mother fussing over them, but his frustration is significantly lessened from what it usually is. 

Han of course doesn’t say much, but he doesn't need to. He just grins down at his son, asking him how hospital life has been treating him so far, which Ben actually seems a bit amused by.

“Well, I woke up in someone else’s pants,” he answers his father without looking at him. “So it hasn’t been ideal.”

I stand back, allowing his parents to confirm that he is ok and isn’t about to die. It takes nearly twenty minutes before Leia seems satisfied, if only slightly. 

I can tell she wants to ask him why he didn’t say anything to anyone before things could get to this point, but she probably knows she wouldn’t get much of an answer. He’s still not quite willing to share any of this with his parents, most likely because he knows, as I do, exactly how they will react. What does surprise me, is that I sense he wants to talk to me.

“Could we have a moment alone?” I inquire after it seems Leia has most of her questions answered and Han is satisfied that his son seems somewhat normal.

“Of course,” Leia answers in understanding, though of course there is a bit of resistance in her tone. “Ben, I’m going to make sure you get something to eat.” He rolls his eyes as Leia rises and heads toward the door. 

“Really, that’s not necessary-”

“Sorry, son,” Han shrugs. “Once her mind’s made up, there’s no changing it. Looks like you’re going to be eating hospital food tonight.”

I hear Ben curse under his breath as his parents leave the room and I turn back to face him. 

“I’m sure this wasn’t where you expected to end up,” I start, walking over to sit at the chair beside the bed. He sits up, now that his mother isn’t here insisting the he stay laying down. “This isn’t good, Ben.”

“You think?” he sighs, not even having enough energy to put bitterness in his tone. 

“It’s going to be hard to get you out of here. You might even have to stay here a couple nights.”

“I know,” he insists, sounding as if he’s heard this all before. 

“You’re going to have to let me help you now, do you understand? Because it only gets worse from here.”

He looks up at me, sounding as if he’s about to protest. 

“I know what’s wrong, Ben. I know why you don’t want anyone to know, I know why Rey isn’t helping you anymore. I know you think that not talking about it will make it go away, but that’s not going to happen.”

He looks caught off guard for a moment, searching his mind for an excuse, an explanation. A lie. But after a moment, he realizes we’re pretty much on the same page.

“I know how much this scares you, Ben. I know that you don’t want to turn out like your grandfather. But if you continue down this path, pushing everyone away, that’s exactly how you’ll end up.”

Of course he knows this, but he needs to hear it out loud nonetheless.

He begins mindlessly picking at the fabric covering his injured hand. 

“You love Rey, yes?”

He looks at me as I just asked him if water was wet.

“Then you need to let me help you. Stop pushing her away, or you’re going to lose her.” 

“I know,” he answers quietly. “You don’t think I worry about that every day?”

“You should be.”

I sigh, deciding telling him things he already knows is getting us nowhere. 

“So I’m guessing you’ve been having nightmares. About Rey?”

He doesn’t answer, but the glimmer of fear in his eyes is enough confirmation. 

“Have there been hallucinations? Or day dreams?”

He nods, and I can tell he’s becoming slightly less reserved about sharing this, at least with me. 

“So that’s what must have happened. Obviously it was pretty extreme if you can’t remember what happened, though that could just be the shock. You might start to remember after a little while.”

“I don’t think I want to remember.” 

“I know you don’t. But if you’re going to start to move past this, you can’t bury your head in the sand.”

It’s silent for a moment as I try to figure out the easiest way to word what I’d like to say.

“Ben… your nightmares, these hallucinations… they’re of Rey, correct?”

His gaze shifts to the corner of the room, looking angry. 

“Ben, I know you’re scared, but you have to-”

“Yes,” he answers irritably. I nod.

“Ok. Can you tell me what they’re about?”

He exhales in exasperation, but he’s going to have to get used to talking like this. 

“You might as well tell me now, you’re going to be talking about it a lot until they start to go away.”

“I see her die,” he answers, the words leaving him painfully. “Over and over, I just see her die. And I can’t fucking stand it anymore.” 

Finally. Some headway. 

“I know it’s hurts, Ben. But there’s an easy way to make them go away, if you allow it.”

“What do you mean if I _allow _it? You think I want to keep seeing this shit? I almost-”__

__He cuts himself off, as if he were about to say something he didn’t even want to think about._ _

__“Almost what?” I press._ _

__“Nothing,” he shakes his head, but the thought obviously isn’t pushed from his mind. “Just… do you think…”_ _

__I can tell he really doesn’t want to say out loud whatever it is he wants to ask me, but I stay silent, willing him to ask it nonetheless._ _

__“You told me that Anakin had attacked his wife once. When things got really bad.”_ _

__I nod, remembering the sickening tale Obi-Wan had once relayed to me about Anakin’s final few days, when he had gone into a blind rage and nearly strangled Padme to death._ _

__“Yes,” I reply, beginning to look at him with concern. “Ben… you haven’t-”_ _

__“No,” he denies quickly. “Not that I can remember. But… do you think it’s possible that I could… hurt her?”_ _

__“I think you wouldn’t want to find it what you’re capable of when this thing takes over your mind,” I answer him. “Anakin felt about Padme much in the same way you feel about Rey. But that didn’t stop him. Which is why we need to stop this before it gets to that point.”_ _

__Rey P.O.V._ _

__I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for about twenty minutes now. Leia came by and told me she and Han were going to get some food for Ben, and asked if I’d wanted anything. I don’t think I could eat anything right now without feeling sick._ _

__Before I’d sat down, I saw some pamphlet sitting in one of the racks by the chairs. I’d grabbed it and looked to see it was about ‘tips for visiting a loved one in the psychiatric ward’. I don’t know if I took it because I was bored, or if I’m afraid I’m actually going to need it._ _

__I’ve read it over and over the past twenty minutes, since it’s fairly short. I feel as if I’ve practically memorized every word and would be delighted to never see the thing ever again._ _

__1) Never show up unannounced_ _

__2) Always let the person know you’re there for them_ _

__The pamphlet suggests sending flowers or cards, etc., but I can hardly see that satisfying Kylo enough._ _

__3) Ask if they want you to bring them anything that makes them feel at home_ _

__My mind for some reason goes to The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which he hasn’t finished yet. But again, I don’t think he’ll be in a very reading mood for the next couple of weeks._ _

__4) Bring activities to do together when you visit_ _

__The first honest laugh I’ve had all day is imagining Kylo’s reaction if I bring him a board game or a coloring book while visiting him. Of course I would do that, just to see that priceless reaction. Perhaps that would help him to act more like himself._ _

__5) Treat them the same as you would treat them if they were well, but acknowledge the illness_ _

__6) Try making them laugh_ _

__I'm sure I could find a way._ _

__7) Bring them clothes_ _

__8) Ask them how they're doing_ _

__I can only imagine what Kylo’s answer to that question would be._ _

__After a while, my eyes just graze over the pamphlet, not reading the words, but repeating them in my head, picturing how it would be having to come here every day after work, all day on the weekends, however long the hospital would allow, since there are visitation limits the pamphlet gets into. I don’t think I will be able to leave him alone here for more than twelve hours, nor do I think he’d want to be here alone that long._ _

__I imagine him having to do all the group therapy sessions the pamphlet describes, which I know he won’t like. He’ll have a daily routine to get used to. He’ll have a roommate if he does end up staying, and apparently, they routinely check in on you throughout the night, which I can’t imagine he’ll appreciate._ _

__At least the pamphlet admits that staying in the psych ward will be incredibly frightening and lonely for the patient, since their freedoms are extremely limited and they’re all but cut off from the outside world (I wasn’t oblivious to the cages covering all the windows). I assume Kylo’s strategy will be to keep to himself and not talk to anyone. I don’t know what the hospital will do with that._ _

__I nearly jump out of my seat when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see Luke standing in front of me._ _

__“Is everything ok?” I ask, feeling panic jolt through me, and a little paranoia after reading that pamphlet so many times._ _

__“Yes, he’s fine,” he answers. “He’s getting some rest and then the psychiatrist is going to go in and see him.”_ _

__“Does he have to stay here?” I ask him anxiously, realizing my entire body has been painfully tense the entire time I’ve been sitting here._ _

__“We’re going to do what we can,” he says, sitting down in the empty seat next to me. “But it’s going to be tough.”_ _

__“Have you ever had to… get him out of something like this before?”_ _

__“We did once, when he was in middle school. School counselor was getting pretty worried. It was easy enough then, but it’s going to be hard now that he’s an adult.”_ _

__“Did you ever consider, that… this might be a better option for him? I know it’s not ideal, for any of us, but… I don’t know, maybe what worked for you just doesn’t work for him.”_ _

__Luke nods, as if he’d maybe expected me to say something like this._ _

__“I’ve considered the idea many times,” he acknowledges, looking as if he’s remembering something from long ago. “I was worried perhaps I was pushing too much on him, somehow making everything worse. That maybe he would open himself up more if he had medical help. Especially when he started cutting himself and he thought no one noticed.”_ _

__He shakes his head, looking to be pushing the thoughts away._ _

“But whatever this is, this _darkness _that eats at his mind… Obi-Wan and my father spent much of their lives trying to figure out what it was, and then I spent a lot of my youth trying to answer the same questions they couldn’t. I’ve never seen anything like this in any other mental illness I’ve studied. We have no idea what it is or what caused it. Of course there_ must _be other people in the world with it, but as of now, they must be keeping it under wraps, as we have been.”__

________“How is that possible?” I ask with concern. “I mean, if you don’t even know what this is, how do you know it won’t turn into something even worse?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Because it hasn’t,” he answers simply. “I believe it’s shown all its sides now, what with my father, myself, and now Ben. We know what it is at its worst, and we know how to prevent it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Then why won’t Kylo let you help him?” I question. “If he knows there’s a way to stop it…?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I think it bothers him that he can’t handle it on his own. I think he wants to be able to deal with it in his own way, rather than have to depend on anyone else.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I guess that makes sense. That certainly sounds like the way he thinks._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How are you handling all of this?” Luke suddenly asks, his gaze filled with concern._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Not well,” I admit. “I don’t know what to do. I used to be able to help him… forget about all of this, I guess. He used to just tell me whenever he was feeling weird, and we’d find a way to make it better. But now, he doesn’t talk to me hardly at all. He won’t touch me, he doesn’t even look at me the same way.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He still loves you very much, Rey,” Luke assures me. “Nothing he feels for you has changed. He’s just afraid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

“Of _what? _”__

__________He sighs, his gaze shifting to the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I really can’t explain that now. But I realize all of this must be incredibly hard on you, and I am sorry for that. I sense that you’re afraid as well.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I grit my teeth as tears begin to blur my vision for the millionth time today._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m afraid of how much he’s… _changed _in just the past few weeks. I'm afraid I won’t be able to handle all of this. I’m afraid he’ll change too much and I won’t know him anymore…”__

__________“It won’t be like this. Once I get through to him and get him off this path… things should go back to normal.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“But you can’t know that,” I tell him, though secretly hoping he does know this for a fact, which of course is ridiculous._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, I can’t,” he confirms. “And I can’t tell you what you’ll feel through all of this. We have no control over our feelings, even though we’d like to.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He places his hand on top of mine and I look back up at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“But you have to remember that nothing you feel is _wrong _, Rey. It’s perfectly normal for you to have doubts from all of this.”__

____________I don’t answer, but his words fill me with great reassurance. Even though the idea of feeling differently towards Kylo still scares me to death, it’s nice to hear someone tell me that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Even if it feels that way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I should go meet up with Leia so we can discuss things with the doctors,” he says, glancing toward the door Han and Leia had gone through to go get food, before looking back at me hesitantly. “Rey, I do have to ask you something…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I nod, quickly brushing away a few stray tears that had fallen down my face before looking back at him. From the looks of it, whatever he wants to ask me seems to be paining him a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Has Ben ever… physically lashed out at you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stare at him in shock, unbelieving at the question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“What do you mean… has he _hit _me?”__

______________He nods, his face serious as he takes in my expression, probably trying to determine whether or not I’m about to lie to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No! Of course he hasn’t, he would never…” I trail off, briefly remembering the first day I started noticing a change in him, when he had chucked a glass at the counter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey,” Luke starts again firmly. “You need to tell me if he’s ever physically lashed out at you. Whether he meant to or not.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No,” I answer positively. “No, he’s never hurt me.” I lean back in my seat, staring down at my knees as I cross my arms over my chest. “Only himself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He takes a moment before nodding, convinced enough that I’m telling the truth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Something suddenly crosses my mind as he stands up to leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How are you here?” I ask, a bit bewildered with myself that I didn’t even consider this until now. “I thought you were supposed to be all the way back in Ach-To.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He looks a bit torn for a moment, like he wants to explain something, but can’t. His odd expression rather confuses me at first, but then just shrugs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I was spending some time in Mandalore,” he answers. “It’s only a little over an hour from here. I got here as soon as I could when Leia called.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	26. Chapter 26

Kylo P.O.V.

After my parents come back to force me to eat, no one besides the psychiatrist comes into the room for the rest of the day. He at least seems like he’s competent enough at his job, but that’s never going to make me to talk to him.

I wanted to badly to ask for Rey to come back in, but I know it’s better to let her be for a while. I can’t imagine how scared she must be by all of this. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let this get so bad that I had to be fucking hospitalized. 

Basically, all the psychiatrist has done is explain to me what they did once I got here, which was just looking me over and making sure there was nothing physically wrong with me. Then they brought me in here, I woke up and starting trying to leave, so that’s why they had to restrain me. Now they’re preparing to have a team of different doctors come in and talk to me and do a bunch of brain scans so they can diagnose me.

I just nod, not answering anything. 

Of course they’re not going to be able to find out what’s wrong with me, at least not for a while. Two generations before me weren’t able to find out what this fucking thing is, so I doubt anyone here will be able to identify it. My guess is they’ll send me off to a bunch of high-end facilities where they specialize in this shit, and I’ll get tossed around and around until someone decides to finally just make something up so they stop spending a bunch of money on all the examinations they’ll have to do.

So, that sounds like loads of fun. And what’s more, Rey, my parents, and Luke will get to be along for the entire ride, basically fucking up all our lives for a good few years. Fucking great. 

For all my efforts to not feel like a burden on anyone, I’ve pretty much fucked up epically. I’ve literally made things worse than they could ever be.

The other thing the psychiatrist explains to me, is how one of the doctors who first examined me sent in the recommendation for me to be here, and if everything gets approved, without Leia stopping it of course, I’m going to have to stay here until they think I’m ok to be let out (which won’t happen of course) and I guess this guy is pretty positive the recommendation will get approved, because he starts going over how my life will be in here. I hardly listen. 

Hours pass, and all I do is sit here on the bed, looking around the room. Apparently I’ll be moved into a room with another patient if I have to stay. I don’t even want to think about how that interaction is going to go.

It’s only my first day, and if every day is this damn boring, I’m fucked. The only thing that will keep my sanity intact is when Rey visits, which according to the psychiatrist, won’t be as often as I’d prefer.

The room grows darker as the day transitions into night, and I wonder if Rey is still here. Leia said everyone is staying here until they get me out, but who knows at this point. 

Eventually, I hear a bunch of shuffling outside in the hall, and I guess it’s curfew for all of the patients. I listen closely, but I don’t hear anything out of the usual. Just the sound of people walking down the hall and doors closing. The psychiatrist had asked me if I wanted to look around the place, but I opted not to. Still, I am curious. 

All I can think about as I drift in and out of sleep, is how much it must have scared Rey to find me at the house like she said she did. I can only imagine how I must have looked, with my hand apparently mutilated to hell. They’ve already had to change the bandages twice today, so I really must have done a number on it.

I don’t want to spend the entire night having nightmares, but I really can’t see how that is avoidable, so I try waking myself up every twenty minutes or so. There’s no clock in here, so I have no idea what time it is, I have no idea if anyone is still here, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the morning. 

All I want is to be back home with Rey. I wish that, somehow, this has all been some horrible, elaborate dream, and I’ll wake up the morning after Valentine’s Day and realize none of this has actually happened.

And then I’ll tell her all about it, I’ll admit how scared I am of losing her, and she’ll find a way to take my mind off it, as she always has. Then we’ll go about our lives, not a care in the world. Then one day I’ll marry her. And on that day, this horrific dream will be the furthest thing from my mind, because I’ll have no reason to ever be unhappy again.

This is the fantasy I play out in my mind to help me from losing my mind. And this is the fantasy I’ll have to continue playing out in my mind if I’ll end up staying here, and have to live with the choice I made not to let anyone help me. 

 

My eyes snap open as my body nearly leaps up from the bed, and I think at first I had just dreamt that someone had burst through the door, but soon my eyes adjust as a group of figures spill in through the doorway. 

“Wake up, my love!” I hear Rey’s cheerful voice call out, relaxing my nerves a little. Her small hand touches against my wrist and I sit up, rubbing my hand against my face.

“Rey?” I ask sleepily, my eyes shutting closed again as the lights suddenly turn on, burning against the white floor and walls of the room. 

“You get to go home,” Rey smiles, sitting on the side of the bed and touching the side of my face. 

I open my eyes to see her beautiful smile in front of me. 

“What?” I ask groggily.

“You heard her son, put your pants on!” Han hollars to me, tossing me my jeans that had mysteriously gone missing.

“What time is it?” I ask, staring down at the jeans in my hands. 

“Nearly two am,” Leia answers, helping Rey to grab my arms and stand me up from the bed. “You’ll have to bear with us Ben, we’ve been injecting ourselves with caffeine for the past four hours.”

They walk me over to the bathroom, and Rey takes me inside, pushing the door shut behind us. 

“Don’t take too long, the cavalry might come before we’re able to leave!” Han warns.

“Rey, what the fuck is going on?” I ask, my voice still thick with sleep as she starts getting me out of the sweatpants and into my own pants. She shakes her head, smiling to herself as she helps me step into the jeans.

“I don’t know how your mother does it,” she marvels. “Kylo, do you realize you could _murder _someone and she’d probably be able to get you out of trouble?”__

__“Is this a dream?” I ask without thinking, looking around the very dull bathroom._ _

__“No,” she laughs. “Your mother and Luke actually did it. They talked to the doctors for hours, and we all refused to leave until they listened. They were in an office for about two hours, and the doctors came out convinced. Sometimes I think your mother must be using some kind of mind control or something.”_ _

__Once I’m fully clothed, Rey takes ahold of my arm again and leads me out of the bathroom, where Leia is waiting by the door of the bedroom._ _

__“Han and Luke are out in the Falcon,” she tells us as we walk out into the hallway. “I’m heading back in my car, and Rey in hers. I’m guessing it’s no question who you’d like to ride with?”_ _

__I nod, gripping into Rey’s hand._ _

__We head out into the incredibly quiet hospital, down through the hallway and waiting room that I can’t even remember entering earlier today, and soon we’re out in the parking lot._ _

__“I’ll see you back at the house,” Leia says quietly to Rey before she goes off to where her car is parked next to the Falcon._ _

__“We’re going to your parents’ house,” she explains as we walk up to the white Honda. “We’ll stay there for a few days.”_ _

__She opens the door for me and I get in, still not sure if I’m dreaming or not, while she goes around to the driver’s seat and gets in._ _

__She hands me a small paper bag I didn’t realize she had been carrying._ _

“There’s painkillers for your hand and some anxiety pills they prescribed to you. You don’t have to take those, but I really would prefer if you do. But you _are _taking the painkillers.”__

______I stare blankly at the two bottles as Rey begins pulling out onto the street, following the Falcon out towards D’Qar._ _ _ _ _ _

____For most of the ride, I just stare out the window at the blur of buildings that eventually turn into empty fields as we head farther north, toward D’Qar, away from the city. Every once in a while, I’ll glance back over at Rey, trying to read her expression, but unable to wake myself up enough to even see straight._ _ _ _

____I fight the urge to reach over and grab onto her, but I’m scared to death that I’m going to wake up back in the psych ward and she’s not going to be there._ _ _ _

____I start to wake up a little bit once we arrive at my parents’ house, but Rey still keeps ahold of me as if she’s afraid I’ll topple to the ground. I don’t mind._ _ _ _

____We go up into the guest bedroom and she quickly rushes me into bed and I have to say, after laying on top of an extremely thin, pretty much lifeless hospital mattress for about twelve hours, the large, soft mattress and very familiar feeling sheets that I recognize from being on my own bed when I lived here, is perhaps one of the greatest feelings I’ve felt in a while._ _ _ _

____“You good?” Rey asks, grinning down at me while I probably am looking as if I just was hit by a wave of ecstasy._ _ _ _

____I turn onto my back and look up at her, remembering that one night, years ago, when I brought her back to stay the night at my house for the first time when she was drunk, and how amazed she was at how warm the bed was._ _ _ _

____“I love you,” I tell her, maybe feeling slightly loopy from the events of the day and the drugs that have been pumped into me throughout the hours. “I really miss you, Rey.”_ _ _ _

____She frowns, reaching down to brush her fingers through my hair._ _ _ _

____“I miss you too.” I close my eyes, enjoying her touch and leaning against her hand. “Just get some sleep.”_ _ _ _

____She stands up, and I try to open my eyes to see what she’s doing, but it’s as if someone suddenly attached weights to my eyelids._ _ _ _

____“Rey?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m going downstairs for a little bit,” she says. I try sitting up to follow her, not wanting to be alone for hours again._ _ _ _

____“Rey,” I call out again. She turns and quickly walks back to the bed, pushing me back down._ _ _ _

____“You need to rest,” she says. My head falls to the side as exhaustion finally weighs down on me._ _ _ _

____“I’m afraid,” I whisper, practically feeling delirious, because I never would have said that out loud otherwise._ _ _ _

____She leans down, her lips softly touching against my forehead._ _ _ _

____“You’re safe, Ben,” she whispers gently, her hand reaching up to stroke against the side of my face. “You don’t have to be afraid. You’re not alone.”_ _ _ _

____She allows her words to hang in the air for a moment, and it has the desired effect, because I eventually begin to calm down. And after a few more minutes of her softly caressing the side of my face, I feel myself slip into sleep._ _ _ _


	27. Chapter 27

Rey P.O.V.

I wake up the next morning to find myself on the couch in the living room. It takes me a couple seconds to remember where I am and why I’m here.

I sit up, my neck aching from laying on the armrest all night, and stand up to head into the kitchen. I realize I didn’t even stop by the house to bring any clothes or a toothbrush or anything. I just came straight here with Kylo once we’d found out he’d been released.

Chewie hops up to me as I enter the kitchen, and I give him a pat on the head. He’s been standing outside the bedroom where Kylo was sleeping for most of the night, pawing at the door and trying to get in. I think Kylo was too tired to even notice Chewie practically leaping on top of him as soon as I got him through the door last night.

I pour myself some cereal as Chewie yawns and sits at my feet. I'm sure he looks ten times better than I do right now.

I feel as if I’ve been in a non stop trance since yesterday. I’m not quite sure what happened and what didn’t happen, and I was hoping very much that this whole nightmare had been nothing but a dream. No such luck of course, though that didn’t stop me from having horrible dreams all throughout last night nonetheless.

I look over at the clock on the oven and see that it’s nearly ten. Ugh. _Where is everyone? ___

__I’m guessing Kylo will still be sleeping, but I thought at least someone would be up by now, even though yesterday was one of the hardest days any of us have probably had to face in a while._ _

__As if reading my thoughts (which might be true), Chewie comes up and nudges my leg as I’m washing my dish at the sink. I turn off the water and look back to see him walking out of the kitchen once he has my attention. I go to follow him as he trudges out into the living room, toward the back hall where the door to the garage is._ _

__I quickly grab a piece of gum for myself out of my purse before going over to join him where he stands at it, looking up at me expectantly while wagging his tail._ _

__I grin, and reach out to open the door, after which he leaps out into the garage, and I go to follow him, pleasantly surprised to find that the garage door is open, letting in the fresh morning air that hits me like a wave of cool water, snapping me out of my zombie-like mood._ _

__Han is standing in front of the Falcon, poking around under the hood. He looks up when he hears Chewie and I come in._ _

__“You’re up,” he grins in surprise. “I thought you’d sleep through the day.”_ _

__“I thought we all would. Where is everyone, I thought perhaps you’d all left me.”_ _

__“Leia’s gone off to visit one of her doctor friends in Alderaan. Ask some subtle questions about what to do for someone with anxiety. Luke is way out in the fields somewhere, finding a spot to take Kylo for his therapy. I’ve been up for a couple hours just holdin’ down the fort.”_ _

__I nod, sitting myself down on one of the work benches, my eyes closing for a moment, taking in the fresh air._ _

__“Oh, Force, I didn’t even check on him,” I mutter to myself, suddenly standing up and heading toward the door, feeling like a complete idiot that I’ve been thinking about him non stop this morning but didn’t even think to go make sure he’s ok._ _

__“Don’t worry, he’s alive,” Han tells me, laughing at my sudden worriedness. “Leia went in there before she left, and… well, I looked in on him a few minutes ago too.”_ _

__I nod, slowly walking back over to the work bench, still feeling unsatisfied._ _

__“He’s still sleeping?” I ask as I sit back down, glancing toward the door with uncertainty._ _

__“Like the dead,” Han confirms, sounding amused. “Normally he’ll wake up at the sound of a pin drop, but when he’s worn out, that kid could sleep through a hurricane.”_ _

__I smile to myself, remembering one particular Friday night after an extremely long week, where Kylo and I had stayed up incredibly late watching a X-Men marathon, and he’d slept through an entire thunder storm that woke me up at least five times during the night._ _

__“You ok?” Han suddenly asks, stopping what he’s doing and staring at me with concern._ _

__I realize I’ve almost started crying again without even realizing it. I’m surprised I'm not dehydrated from all the tears I’ve cried for the past twenty four hours._ _

__“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head and blinking the tears out of my eyes. He gives me a solemn look before turning back to his work._ _

__“Nothing to apologize for, kid. This must be hell for you to go through. Sometimes I think I might be losing it myself.”_ _

__“I think I’m getting used to feeling like I’m losing my mind,” I admit._ _

__I look around the garage, grinning to myself when I remember helping Han out here a couple years ago when I’d stepped away from the party going on inside._ _

__“You still have that bottle of whiskey?” I ask jokingly as I notice a piece of paper sitting on the table next to a pile of screwdrivers._ _

__“I do, but I think Leia’s hiding it from me. She’s afraid I’m gonna turn into a morning drinker.”_ _

__I laugh to myself, picking up the paper and looking to see it has a list of grocery items written neatly on it in Leia’s familiar handwriting._ _

__“What’s this?” I ask, holding it up to him. He looks up at what I’m holding and rolls his eyes._ _

__“I’m on shopping duty. I was gonna head out when I’m done here and Luke gets back. I don’t know what the hell she expects from me, I’m about the worst shopper in this family-”_ _

__“Could I go with you?” I ask eagerly. He stares at me in surprise. “I really need a distraction,” I explain to him. “Since Luke’s going to be helping Kylo all day, I have nothing to do but sit and think. And that sounds awful.”_ _

__“I get it,” he nods in understanding. “And hey, I could use all the help I can get. If Chewie and I go by ourselves, we’re most likely gonna end up wandering the aisles.” He pauses in consideration. “Or at the bar.”_ _

__“That doesn’t sound like a bad option either,” I admit._ _

__“Well, it sounds like the three of us might end up there at some point today if things get too heavy.”_ _

__“Sounds good,” I laugh._ _

__I’m actually not even joking. Anything that gets me away from here and keeps my mind focused on something else, sounds incredible. I know I need to give Kylo some space while he starts to get better, but that will leave me with nothing to do but sit around and worry. So I’ll have to find a way to keep myself concentrated on pretty much anything else._ _

_“Shit _,” I groan to myself, hopping off the bench again to head back into the house.__

____“What is it now?” Han asks, sounding as if he’s trying not to laugh._ _ _ _

__

__

__“I haven’t even looked at my phone since yesterday. I bet Finn and Poe are worried sick-”_ _

__“Don’t worry about that,” he reassures me. “Leia told them everything last night. Apparently they were at your house ready to break the door down when she called.”_ _

__I sigh, putting my hand to my forehead as I walk back over to the bench again._ _

__“Yeah, that sounds like them.”_ _

__“Just relax, take a seat. You try managing too much.”_ _

__“I am an assistant manager,” I point out._ _

__* * *_ _

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__I wake up slightly delirious at first, because I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing back in my parents’ house. I can tell it’s late in the day, based on the amount of sunlight coming in through the window and how gross I feel from sleeping in so late._ _

__I drag myself out of bed to see I slept in my clothes, and the events of last night finally start to sink back in. Getting up in the middle of the night and leaving the hospital after having to spend all day in the psych ward._ _

__Sitting on the edge of the bed, I lean my elbows against my knees, my face resting in my palms as I slowly begin to recall everything else from that day._ _

__I remember getting home from work and feeling like I was about to die. Grabbing the knife from the drawer and trying to make myself snap out of whatever episode I was having. I remember not being able to breath, feeling like my chest was being crushed, soon not being able to move or feel anything at all._ _

__Then I remember Rey. She must have been worried about me, so she came home. Force, I’ve never been so relieved to see her. I had tried talking to her, or try to reassure her in some way, but it was like I had all the life literally sucked out of me. All I could do was focus on trying to keep my heart beating so I didn’t die right in front of her._ _

__I remember her dragging me up and out to the car and when she drove me to the hospital. I remember panicking when she started leaving and I was suddenly in the hands of a group of strangers. I guess that’s when they had to knock me out, because I don’t remember anything after that._ _

__I stand up and walk out into the hall, stepping out onto the loft and looking down to see the house is empty. I turn my head slightly to listen for anyone who might still be upstairs. But either there’s no one here or everyone’s still asleep. Which is unlikely since I saw that it’s past noon. The couch downstairs however, looks as if someone had slept on it most of the night._ _

__I go downstairs, planning on checking to see if anyone’s outside, which I’m hoping is where they are._ _

Once I get down into the living room I go out into the back and see that it’s absolutely vacant as well. _What the fuck? Did I miss something?_

______I go back inside and look around for a note or something, trying to remember if one of them told me they were leaving. I don’t find anything, so I go into the kitchen to make some toast for breakfast. Or lunch, I guess._ _ _ _ _ _

I’m just putting the bread into the toaster when I hear the front door close, making me jump out of my skin. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

________I step out into the living room, looking out toward the front door to see Luke walking in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re awake,” he observes, sounding relieved. “How are you feeling?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I walk out of the kitchen, meeting him in the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m fine, where’s Rey?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“She’s with your father, shopping. They’re probably going to be gone most of the day, as is your mother. She went to Alderaan to visit one of her friends.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He walks past me into the kitchen and I follow behind him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Did Rey sleep on the couch?” I ask as he goes into one of the cabinets to grab two bottles waters._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I believe so. I told her I would and she could take your old room, but she really seems to like that couch-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why couldn’t she sleep with me?” I demand angrily, thinking that perhaps he had told her not to._ _ _ _ _ _

______“She wanted to give you some space. Apparently the previous night, you’d had a nightmare and seemed to not want to touch her. She told me she didn’t want to do anything to make you any worse, so she opted to let you have some time to yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I remember the dream I’d had that night. The one that had sent me over the edge. I couldn’t stand the idea of looking at her after waking up from that, let alone touching her after what I had done to her in the cruel hallucination. I hadn’t even considered what her reaction to my sudden change in behavior would be. She must have felt terrified when I had refused to let her touch me and didn’t say a word to her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t want time to myself,” I mutter. Luke nods, looking as if he’s trying to suppress an extremely relieved look._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s nice to hear you say that,” he acknowledges. “Because you’re not going to get it for a while.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______My toast pops out of the toaster before I can respond and Luke begins heading out into the living room._ _ _ _ _ _

______“When you’re done with breakfast, meet me outside,” he says as I grab the two pieces of toast and plop them down onto a plate._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why?” I ask in confusion. He stops in the doorway and turns back to me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You want to get started on your therapy as soon as possible, don’t you? So things can start going back to normal?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_Shit._

__________He grins, as if reading my mind, before turning and heading out into the living room, toward the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hurry up! We’ve got a long day ahead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Luke takes me way out into the treeline that’s about thirty yards from the house. I used to walk around back here when I was really little, and I remember Leia constantly freaking out and thinking I was going to fall into the creek and kill myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why do we need to be out here?” I ask as I continue following Luke deeper into the mess of thin branched trees, hiding the long, quietly flowing creek trailing down the forest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The point is to get you away from anything stressful,” he answers, stopping at a small clearing just beside the creek. “So you can focus your mind and connect to yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I roll my eyes, moving to sit where he directs me, up against one of the trees by the water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You know all this spiritual shit doesn’t work on me,” I tell him, trying to adjust myself so I’m sitting comfortably on the leaf-covered ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re going to have to find a way to make it work,” he replies. “You did want to be out of that hospital, correct?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn my gaze off into the crystal clear water of the creek, knowing he’s right and that I have to suck it up and do this if I don’t want to fuck my entire life up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“So what do I have to do?” I sigh, leaning up against the tree._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“First, you need to relax.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I’m about to give him a snarky response to that. But he gives me a stern look, his gaze reminding me that I need to shut the hell up and listen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I close my eyes, trying to ease the tension throughout my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Listen to the water… the wind blowing through the trees… every branch snap, every falling leaf…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His voice begins to sound further and further away as my hands gently press against the soft dirt of the floor beneath me. The wind rustling through the fallen leaves and the long branches of the trees begins to amplify, along with the water rushing down the creek, once quiet and trickling in the background, but now sounding as if it’s an entire river rushing down the forest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Feel everything around you… picture the source of every sound, every movement… lose yourself in it…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Soon, I’m not sure if Luke has stopped talking, of if I just can’t hear him anymore. The only things I’m aware of, are the suddenly booming sounds of the nature surrounding me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s more peaceful than I thought it was. I remember Luke making me do this a couple times back when I was in middle school, but I never understood what the point was. I still don’t, but it sure is rather relaxing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. Maybe only a few minutes, or an hour, or a couple hours…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ben?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Luke’s voice wavers back into my awareness, and I feel myself answer him easily, as if I were compelled to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why are you here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I know Luke practices some type of hypnosis along with meditation, so I’m guessing that’s what is happening now. I feel conscious and I know where I am and what’s going on, but I still feel as if I couldn’t be able to stop myself from answering even if I tried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I need help.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What do you need help with, Ben?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The memories of everything I had just pushed out of my mind, come rushing back, but the stress doesn’t take over somehow. The tranquil buzz of the nature around me still keeps its hold on my senses._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m afraid.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What is it you’re afraid of?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My thoughts go to Rey, of the countless nightmares that have started haunting me, of the undying fear I’ve had of something happening to her ever since I somehow managed to get her back from her abductor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Rey?” Luke presses._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes,” I confirm, amazed that I still feel as calm as I do. I would have thought I’d be teeming with anger or fear or something by now. But any unwelcome feeling I might have is graciously being suppressed by whatever force is keeping me focused._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What are you afraid of, Ben?” he repeats. He knows exactly what I’m afraid of, but he wants me to say it out loud._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m afraid of losing her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Saying these words alone finally makes the aura of calm begin to crack, just a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Focus, Ben,” Luke quickly urges, seeing me start to come undone. “Tell my why you’re afraid of losing her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Force, where could I begin?_

____________“I’m afraid she’ll find someone else,” I begin, confused at myself for sharing this willingly with someone out loud. “I’m afraid something horrible will happen to her and I won’t be able to stop it. I’m afraid she’ll leave me, I’m afraid… I’ll do something to her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Luke seems to pause to take all of this into consideration, while I try to steady myself and stay under whatever hypnotic spell that’s keeping me docile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Do you ever feel like you want to hurt her?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _No _,” I answer sharply.__

______________“Then why do you think you would ever do something to her?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I’m slightly thrown off by his question, unable to think of an actual answer. I suppose he can see this, so he repeats the question, waiting for me to give a response, but I guess he decides to go a different route._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Is this why you cut yourself off from her? Because you’re afraid of losing her, of hurting her if you let her in?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I think on this for a moment, while sitting in this strange void where my emotions are somehow suppressed and I find myself unable to answer anyway but truthfully._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Is this because you’re really just afraid of becoming- Ben, _stop. _”__

________________I feel my hands balled into fists, crushing the dirt on the ground below me, as I grit my teeth in anger, the sounds of the creek and the wind vanishing within a second, replaced by the horrific ringing in my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Focus Ben, calm your mind… you have to push back against it… Ben, think of _Rey _. Keep your thoughts on her.”__

__________________I pause at his suggestion, seeing Rey’s fearful expression in my mind, the sound of her voice worriedly asking me what’s wrong, begging me to come back to her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“If you don’t want to hurt her, then you have to keep yourself _under control. _”__

____________________I begin to breathe normally again, my eyes opening to the harsh afternoon sunlight showing through the trees, the light bouncing brightly off the creek and the green leaves adorning the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I look over at Luke who’s kneeling beside me, a worried expression slowly leaving his face. I stare at him in bewilderment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“How did you…?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“That was you, Ben,” he tells me, shaking his head. “You finally let yourself open up to someone. And you were able to fight back against your fear.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________My eyes shift down to my feet as I try to comprehend how Luke was able to get me to do all of that in just under a few minutes… I think._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“How long have we been out here?” I question, noticing the sun doesn’t seem to be in the same place as it was before I had closed my eyes, which seems like days ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“About twenty minutes,” he answer. “And I’d say we’re off to a promising start.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I nod, pushing my hand through my hair, still trying to shake myself awake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Are we done then?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“No,” he replies, standing up and handing me a bottle of water, which I take a large gulp from. “We’re going to walk along the creek until you feel you’re under control again. And then you’re going to tell me all about the dreams you’ve been having. Every single one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I nearly choke on my water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	28. Chapter 28

Rey P.O.V.

It turns out Leia had more on her mind than items at a grocery store, because Han and I ended up having to go all the way down into Bespin to find a store that sells a very specific type of food containers she apparently needs.

“I can’t see how you don’t know anything about this,” I comment as he and I rapidly search through the endless aisles of containers that all look like they could more than adequately hold food. “She’s your wife, you don't know where she buys her food containers?”

“Well she changes what she wants every year, it’s hard to keep up with the woman!” he answers, racing down the aisle and looking through all the containers as if his life depends on it, while Chewie just happily prances between the two of us, thinking we’re playing a game with him. 

“Why are we going about this like we’re in a race?!” I question.

“I have no idea, it’s the effect her demands have on you!” he answers, as if he’s been asking himself the same question for years. 

I grin triumphantly as I finally find the right sized glass containers with the red lids on them, sitting quietly on the shelf as if they hadn’t caused a gigantic ruckus.

I snatch them off the shelf and turn to where Han is still madly searching through the shelves, looking as if he wants to question the world why these food containers would ever exist. 

“I think I’m better at this than you,” I grin smugly, waving the containers at him as he turns to face me.

“Well, praise the Force, I thought she might have been fucking with me.”

“No, but I think your wife will want to marry me now.”

“Joke’s on you, she happens to prefer scoundrels,” he informs me. “She likes someone to boss around.”

“Ah, so you’re the perfect choice then.”

Chewie begins hopping up and down, confused why we’ve stopped running around.

“You know what, you are perfect for my son. You’re just as much of a smart ass as he is.” 

“Great minds think alike.” He rolls his eyes at me.

“Uh huh. Well, this has been a hassle, can we go now?”

“Yes. And just so you know, you’re as bad as your son when it comes to shopping.”

We decided that all of this has taken enough out of us to earn an incredibly large lunch, so we end up going to a Chillis that was near one of the stores we had gone to.

“Can I ask you something?” I inquire as we look over the menus the waitress just handed us.

“Whatever you want, kid,” Han shrugs. 

“What was Ben like when he was little? I mean really little, like two or three.” 

He looks completely caught off guard by the question.

“Why do you want to know that?”

“Because no one’s told me. He certainly doesn’t want to tell me, and I’ve never seen any pictures of him or anything…”

“That’s because he won’t let us put any up. Believe me, Leia tried, but even she couldn’t stand his whining anymore, so she just put them away like he asked. Anytime we try putting them out, he’ll take them and hide them. I’m surprised he doesn’t throw them away. Can’t say I blame the kid, I wouldn’t be too keen on looking at any baby pictures of myself…”

“What is he so embarrassed about? I’m sure he was adorable.” 

A thoughtful look suddenly crosses Han’s face, and he begins smiling, ever so slightly.

“He was… funny,” he starts. “I never really learned how to handle kids, but… I don’t know, the first few years were kind of, reassuring in a way. I thought, sure, I can handle this guy. He slept a lot, which he definitely gets from his uncle, so we weren’t up all night trying to put him to sleep. And then as he got a little older… I don’t know, I was surprised how… happy he made me.” 

I can only imagine what a pint sized Kylo Ren must have been like to have around the house.

“So he didn’t annoy you then.”

“Not at all. I can’t say I was the perfect father, because I had no idea what I was doing. But it was no problem hanging out with him and taking care of him. He liked to play with puzzles and things you have to figure out. Leia thought that meant he was gonna be some kind of prodigy.”

“Did you play with him? When he was little?”

“Of course,” he answers, and I suddenly consider that might have been obvious. But how would I know? “At first, I would just sit on the couch and watch him… I thought that was all I was supposed to do, you know? Leia would sit and talk to him, but he mostly figured things out for himself. But she started going back to work, and she told me I had to start getting off my ass and playing with him myself.”

“And how did that go?”

He smirks, shaking his head while he flops the menu closed.

“To be honest, I think he was able to make more sense of those damn kids games than I was.” 

“You’re shitting me,” I laugh.

“I’m not. You try one of those things some day, they’re fucking rigged.”

“I think they’re just adult-proof.” 

The waitress comes over to take our order. Han gets a steak and I get a cheeseburger.

“Can I ask another question?”

“You already did, so, yeah.”

“What was his first word?”

Now a flicker of sadness briefly crosses his face, before he turns his head slightly, smiling genuinely out at the large dog lounging around outside the restaurant, waiting for us.

“Chewie.”

I stare at him wide eyed, following his gaze out the window. 

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He chuckles a bit. “We call his name out about a thousand times a day, so I wasn’t surprised.”

I laugh to myself, shaking my head in surprise.

“Was his hair always so black?”

“Always,” he confirms. “He was born with a full head of hair, and it hasn’t changed color since the day he was born.”

I nod, unsurprised by this.

I take a sip of my water and see Han looking at me curiously.

“I’m sorry for all the random questions,” I quickly apologize. “I’m sure they probably sound… well, strange. I’m not really sure how parents interact with their children or _feel _about their children, so… I was just curious.”__

__I shake my head and lower my gaze to the table, suddenly feeling incredibly embarrassed. Of course I’d found a way to bring drama into our supposed drama-free day._ _

__“Sorry. I shouldn’t be-”_ _

__“I was the exact opposite.”_ _

__I stare up at him with confusion._ _

__“I think growing up without a family just made me angry,” he continues. “Of course, maybe I was naturally curious about what growing up with normal parents was like, but I didn’t even want to give the idiots the satisfaction of thinking about them.”_ _

__I nod, knowing the feeling well._ _

__“I was like that when I was a teenager. When I stopped having the delusion that they would one day just appear out of thin air and take me back with them and we’d all live happily ever after. I spent a lot of time hating for them for what they’d put me through, until I decided to just leave it all behind me and move on.”_ _

__I pause, leaning back in my seat._ _

__“It was actually quite liberating. Besides, I had Finn and Poe, and now I have Kylo, and you and Leia… I couldn’t ask for anything more.”_ _

__He nods, giving me a hesitant look, as if he wants to ask me something but isn’t sure if he should._ _

__“Did Luke tell you where he was… before he came to the hospital?” he asks me tentatively._ _

__“Yeah, he said something about Mandalore. Did you know he was there?”_ _

__Han nods, still looking at me strangely._ _

__“Do you know… did he tell you why he was there?” he asks me._ _

__“No,” I answer slowly, confused by his cryptic tone. “Why would he?”_ _

__He shakes his head, suddenly looking normal again._ _

__“I don’t know. He told me he talked with you a little bit at the hospital, I thought maybe…”_ _

__“You mean you don’t know what he was doing over there? I just assumed it was… I don’t know, Jedi stuff.” He chuckles in agreement._ _

__“With him, you never know.” He looks down at his water, disgust riddling his expression. “Why the hell didn’t I order a whiskey, what the hell is this shit?”_ _

__* * *_ _

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__My entire day was spent with Luke, walking around in the forest, which I’ll admit was a nice change of environment, and talking about everything that’s been fucking me up lately._ _

__Honestly, it wasn’t as dreadful as I expected it to be. Sure, it’s nothing but awkward when you’re telling your uncle your extremely sadistic and detailed nightmares of the woman you love dying in your arms, sometimes at your own hand. But finally getting all of it out into the open, having someone besides me know what’s going on… I don’t know, I suppose it’s made me feel more at ease._ _

__Leia comes back around five, with takeout, so Luke and I are pretty relieved to see her, even though I’m not the biggest fan of Chinese food. It’s still food, and I feel like I haven’t eaten in weeks._ _

__Han and Rey don’t get back until well after six, because according to Leia, she’d given them an abundance of insanely specific things to find at the store in order to keep them occupied all day._ _

__I’m waiting on the couch when they finally walk in. To my surprise, Rey looks as if she’s had the time of her life and, no doubt, a much needed break._ _

__I stand up from the couch and rush over to her as she and Chewie walk in, practically with the same grin on their faces._ _

__For a moment, I’m afraid of what she’ll say, or what she’ll do when she sees me. I’ve felt so guilty about everything I put her through, I feel like maybe I’m just becoming a reminder of everything stressful._ _

__But her smile somehow grows even wider when she sees me._ _

__“How are you doing?” she asks, throwing her arms around me and holding me in a tight embrace that makes me feel even better than I have all day._ _

__“I’m ok,” I answer, putting my arms around her waist. “I’ve missed you.”_ _

__“I know, I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.” She pulls slightly away to look up at me._ _

__“Did you have fun?”_ _

__“I did,” she nods, smiling that exquisite smile that lights up the room. “I meant to be home earlier, but we got a little sidetracked. Your father and I nearly killed ourselves trying to find everything on your mother’s list, we went to seven different stores, and we thought we’d only be going to one. Then we went to lunch because we were so out of energy, and then we went back to the house to grab some clothes and toothbrushes and everything, and then we went over to Finn and Poe’s because they still aren’t convinced you and I aren’t dead, and then we went and got a drink…”_ _

__“Yeah, at a shitty bar!” Han adds as he follows Leia into the kitchen. Rey rolls her eyes._ _

__“He’s upset because they wouldn’t let him have the whole bottle of whiskey set out. He didn’t want to actually drink the whole bottle, but…”_ _

__“He likes to pour his own drinks,” I finish, nodding knowingly. “Yeah, sounds like him.” She laughs, shaking her head, her glowing eyes boring into mine, setting a warm feeling through me. “Well, it sounds like your day was significantly more interesting than mine.”_ _

__“Do you feel better today?” she asks, suddenly serious as she takes my hand in hers._ _

__“I’m fine,” I assure her._ _

__“Did you take the painkillers?”_ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__“Did you change your bandages?”_ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__“Did you take the anxiety pills?”_ _

__“ _Yes. _You know, I already spent the whole day with Luke, I’ve been effectively babied enough the past six hours.” She narrows her eyes at me, but can’t keep a small grin off her face.___ _

____“I’ll probably stick around the house more tomorrow. So you’ll have me and Luke to bother you. At the same time.”_ _ _ _

____“Well, I’ll be spending the day in therapy, so hopefully the focus will be on that, and not on me taking an ass-load of pills.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you like the therapy?”_ _ _ _

____My eyes lower to the ground, feeling a sudden lurch in my stomach when thinking of telling Rey everything I had told Luke._ _ _ _

____“We don’t have to talk about it now,” she tells me, seeing my expression. She steps back, keeping my hand in hers. “Let’s just go eat some dinner. I need some food to balance out the two mojitos I just had.”_ _ _ _

_Force, I love her. ___


	29. Chapter 29

Luke P.O.V.

“Why do you think these nightmares started?” I ask Ben as he mindlessly strolls down the dirt path. 

He doesn’t answer for a moment, and I wait patiently, stopping and leaning against one of the trees. 

“I don’t know.”

“There was nothing particularly significant that happened that could of-”

“If you’re talking about Rey getting kidnapped, that happened years ago.” 

“That doesn’t mean you’ve gotten over it, Ben. That doesn’t mean either of you have.” 

I walk closer to him as his pace slows, his gaze staying at his feet. 

“What was it like the few weeks after you rescued her?” I question, walking around to face him. “What were your thoughts?”

“My _thoughts? _” he asks in disgust. “What do you think?”__

__I narrow my eyes at him, compelling him to answer the question._ _

__“They were pretty much the same as they are now,” he answers begrudgingly. “I was afraid all the time, I didn’t want to leave her alone. I was terrified that something was going to happen when I wasn’t with her.”_ _

__He pauses for a moment, and I can tell how physically hard it is for him to remember all of this._ _

__“Right after she was taken, I swore to myself that I would never take my eyes or my hands off her again. Of course, that became a bit impractical when we started going back to work and getting back to our normal lives. But ever since then… when I’m not with her or I’m not sure exactly where she is, I feel sick. I feel like something could be happening to her and I’m not even aware of it.”_ _

__“Like when she was abducted,” I conclude. He nods before seemingly shaking these thoughts off._ _

__“I could deal with all of that. What I can’t handle is seeing myself be the one to hurt her. I can’t stand feeling that I have to stay away from her or else I’m going to do something horrible…”_ _

__“Ben, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but… you know we have to.” He continues walking, his gaze moving around anywhere I’m not. “Ben, there is a reason all of this is happening. Your grandfather…”_ _

__His eyes grow dark and bitter as he turns sharply back toward me._ _

__“We don’t need to talk about-”_ _

__“Your grandfather went through the same feelings you are. Fearing he wouldn’t be able to protect the people he loved. And if he had faced his fears and allowed himself to open up and recognize what he was seeing were just dreams and nothing more, he could have been helped.”_ _

__He stares at me as if I had just informed him he wasn’t human._ _

“How could you even think like that?” he demands furiously. “He had visions of his wife dying over and over until it actually happened! There was no way for him to stop it even if he tried, and he did. And now the same thing is going to happen to Rey, and there’s _nothing I can do about it! _”__

______“How could you be so gullible, Ben? You think that these dreams you and your grandfather have can somehow control the future? Ben, your falling into the exact same trap your grandfather was in.”_ _ _ _ _ _

“I am _not _my grandfather.”__

________I take a moment to calm myself down, knowing that shouting won’t get us anywhere._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know you’re not. But he wasn’t a bad man, and neither are you. And I believe you can be helped where he couldn’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I walk closer to him, putting my hand on his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ben… you have so many people who care about you, whether you see it or not. And seeing the connection you share with Rey… I know you must know how much she loves you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I’m expecting him to respond, but he doesn’t. He does however, finally meet my gaze without looking angry._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You should want yourself to get better for her,” I acknowledge, “but more importantly, you have to want this for yourself as well. I believe one of the reasons you love Rey so much is because she reminds you that you’re not a bad person. If she can see that in you, then you are certainly capable of seeing that in yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He still doesn’t answer, but I see the consideration in his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______He turns and walks away from me again, and I can tell that, even though I’ve gotten through to him a little, he still doesn’t want to talk about it._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey started having nightmares a while ago,” he changes the subject._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What do you mean?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“All of a sudden she started having nightmares about things that happened to her when she was younger. She’s fine now, but… they were really bad.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I nod in understanding as we continue walking along the path._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You think that might have triggered your response?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I guess,” he shrugs. “I can’t think of anything else that could have.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“That’s possible. Did her having these nightmares bring back some of the fears you had from after her abduction?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I guess, after a little while. I started to question why I ever stopped worrying the way I used to. I thought, just because we’ve all moved on from what happened… what’s to stop something bad from happening again? Just because I don’t constantly worry about it anymore?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you ever consider that perhaps you’re putting too much of this on yourself?” I suggest._ _ _ _ _ _

______He stops to lean up against one of the trees, and I stand a couple feet away from him, analyzing his response._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What do you mean?” he asks, keeping his eyes toward the ground again._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I mean, do you think you might be overestimating yourself,” I state. “You have no control over what might or might not happen, to you, Rey, or anyone. No more than your dreams have any weight on the outcome of the future.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can still keep her from getting hurt,” he denies._ _ _ _ _ _

______“But at the end of the day, you have no idea what could happen. I mean, right now, it’s completely possible you and I could be disintegrated by a meteor. Or something completely out of our hands could happen back at the house to your parents and Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I understand it’s not a pleasant line of thinking,” I quickly explain when I see his sudden outraged expression. “But the sooner you can recognize you have no control over whatever naturally happens, the sooner you’ll be able to let go of these fears you’re holding onto.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He scoffs at this, though I can tell he’s at least thinking on it a bit._ _ _ _ _ _

“What, am I supposed to trust in the _Force? _”__

__________“Well, you know I believe that. Whether or not you believe in it, it is something to consider.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How can the Force be so great if it allows horrible things like that to happen to people?” he questions. “And we have no control over it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The Force is neither good nor bad. It just is. It’s not something to be controlled, or even understood, though many continue to try.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Then why bother?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I chuckle to myself. _Obviously he’s never listened to me whenever I tried explaining this to him _.__

____________“Because feeling it, connecting with it, or even just being aware of it, can bring you a great sense of peace and purpose. Knowing it is around you and involved in every aspect of life… it can give you a certain power over yourself, trusting in something to lead you in the right direction.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So you’re saying, even if it causes good people to die, it’s ok because it’s the will of the Force? That’s pretty fucked up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That’s why it’s not something completely good, or bad. Nothing can be that black and white, as much as we’d like it to be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It’s silent for a few moments while I let Ben take in this information and do with it what he pleases._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So if I attempt to… connect with the Force,” he begins, sounding slightly less resigned, “you think it will somehow help me to keep myself in control?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’ve already done it once,” I remind him. He stares at me in bewilderment. “What did you think you were doing when I had you meditate yesterday?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________To my surprise, after looking utterly confused for a second, he laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I grin, stepping back onto the trail and walking further into the woods._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Let’s continue,” I tell him, probably earning me a serious eye roll, but he soon follows behind me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________* * *_ _________

__Rey P.O.V._ _

__________We stayed at Han and Leia’s house for two more nights until Luke decided Kylo would probably go crazy if he couldn’t go back home. He’s still going to meet with him a few times a week to do the therapy sessions, and Kylo has to keep taking the anxiety pills and eventually go back to the psychiatrist to see if he still needs to keep taking them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’ve tried giving him his space while we were at his parents’ house. The only time I really saw him or spoke to him was around dinner and at night. I knew he was upset I hadn’t stayed with him the first night, so I slept with him the last two nights, even though he was so tired, I wonder if he even would have noticed if I wasn’t there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Laying beside him and watching him getting a gracious amount of sleep he desperately has needed, nightmare-free, I consider how long it’s been since we’ve made love. I try to remember the last time we touched each other or even kissed each other passionately, and I can’t come up with anything after Valentine’s Day. Which has to have been nearly two months ago at this point._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Talking to each other is even worse. When was the last time I talked to him without feeling like I have to put on some kind of a performance? When was the last time we’ve smiled at each other without it being slightly forced, or at times, completely faked?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________We hardly even say anything to each other the whole drive back to the house. I pretend I’m focusing on driving, while he just mindlessly stares out the window, and I find myself yearning to know what he’s thinking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I don’t know why he’s been so distant with me, but I can’t help thinking that maybe, after going through all of this, he might realize he really doesn’t want to be with me. Maybe he’s so unwilling to open up to me because he can’t bring himself to trust me that much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’ve spent so much time worrying that I might start falling out of love with him, but I never considered he could have already been having these thoughts for weeks now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Is your hand ok?” I ask once we enter the house._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s fine,” he replies, heading back toward the office._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Where are you going?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“To catch up on all the work I need to get done,” he calls back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I nod, glancing around the suddenly empty seeming house. I should probably look over all the work I need to get done as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m meeting Finn over in Endor. We’re just going to walk around for a bit and maybe get something to eat. I’ll be back around four, but call me if you need something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He doesn’t answer for a moment, but comes walking out of the office, leaning up against the wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What’s in Endor?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That place I told you about where he and I used to hang out all the time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nods, still looking unsure, or as if he wants to ask me something else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can you text me when you get there?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Of course,” I nod, heading upstairs to change, trying not to focus my stress-filled thoughts at how painfully strained our exchange feels._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	30. Chapter 30

Rey P.O.V.

As I drive over to meet Finn at our not-so-secret-anymore meeting place, I practice keeping my mind off Kylo. Which of course is going to be impossible, but the whole point of this short getaway is to try and keep myself sane.

Finn is already at the log we’ve always sat on, that is somehow still here, once I arrive. I stumble my way through the mess of sticks and leaves covering the ground, moving past the tall redwood trees and over toward the small circle of trees that cut off our meeting place from the rest of the forest. I remember when we were younger, we thought we were so cool that we had a secret meeting place, that was basically just a circle of trees with a log in the middle.

“I was worried you wouldn’t show up,” Finn says as he and I embrace. I find myself begin to tear up, perhaps at the combination of the sudden nostalgia and my current mental state. “I’ve barely heard from you.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been in a coma the past couple of days. I’m not even sure what’s real or not.”

We hold each other for a few seconds while he lets me get out all my held-back emotions until I’ve calmed down enough to stop sounding like I’m choking.

“Rey, I’m so sorry. We had no idea you were trying to handle all of that on your own, you should have called us. We would have been there at the hospital in a second.”

“I know,” I nod as we finally pull apart. “I was just so scared, I had no idea what to do. I don’t even know I was able to drive him to the hospital without getting us both killed.”

“What happened,” he asks as we both sit down on the familiar smooth, yet slightly rickety log. “You and Han didn’t tell us that much the other day. It was some kind of anxiety attack?”

“Um… basically, yes.” 

Of course he knows I’m lying. 

“Rey, you can tell me. I can tell this has really been fucking you up, you haven’t been yourself for weeks.”

I know there’s no use denying it, so I might as well tell him.

“I don’t know what’s happening, Finn.” My head falls into my hands. “Something really bad is happening to him and all I can do is stand back and watch because he won’t let me help him. He’s acting so cold and distant… I feel like I might….”

I sit up straight as I feel Finn’s hand on my back in an effort to comfort me. 

“Everytime I promise myself that I won’t talk about this, it’s all I do,” I sigh irritably at myself. “I can’t even remember the last time I felt I had a clear fucking mind.”

“If you really love him Rey, and he loves you, he’ll come around eventually.” 

I shake my head, remembering when I used to repeat that same sentence to myself.

“I don’t feel the way I used to with him, Finn,” I admit, hating to have to hear it out loud, let alone from my own lips. “What if he’s changing, what if I don’t… what if it won’t love him anymore?”

It’s silent for a few seconds, the soft hum of birds occasionally chirping up in the tall redwoods filling the mist-filled air.

“What do you want me to say, Rey?” he asks, sounding at a loss, much like how I feel.

“Your opinion. Your honest opinion.” 

He stops to sigh hesitantly before answering. I know he’ll always give me the truth if I ask it of him.

“I think it’s up to you whether you still love him or not. You guys are going through a rough time, and it’s probably best that you are. It will help you decide whether or not you really want to be together.” 

A part of me already knew he would give me that answer, because it’s the only answer I could come up with myself. That doesn’t mean I want to believe it. 

“Did you and Poe ever feel like this?” 

He hesitates again before answering.

“No. Not like this.” 

I nod in silent understanding. _I wouldn’t have expected them to. ___

__I know if we continue with this topic, it’s not going to be the pleasant get away from reality I had intended it to be. Still, some things needed to be said._ _

__“Let’s go climb that tree by the edge,” I decide, rising from the log and picturing the many-branched tree that has always held a perfect perching spot that Finn and I would sit at and look over the woods from. “Are you going to do a flip on the branch yet?”_ _

__“No, I’m not insane!” he protests, following behind me as I sprint off toward the edge of the forest._ _

__“I beg to differ,” I mutter, smiling giddily._ _

__“I don’t think you ever grew up if you still insist on swinging from branches all day… _gah! _”___ _

____He tries leaping over a huge stump that I somehow already managed to get past._ _ _ _

____“You never grew up either, because you still can’t keep up with me!” I shout back. “I bet I can still beat you on the way up the tree!”_ _ _ _

____“You’re on, but you’ll probably win!” he admits._ _ _ _

____I allow the blissful release of adrenaline begin to rush through me, helping me to ignore the real problems I’m going to have to face once I come down from the high._ _ _ _

____* * *_ _ _ _

____Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _

____It’s almost dark by the time Rey gets back. Past four, but I opt not to bring that up. She looks slightly disheveled and a bit tired when she walks in the door._ _ _ _

____“How was it?” I ask from the kitchen, just finishing putting the dishes away in the cabinet and reaching up the grind my palm against my head in an effort to try and ward off the searing ache that's tearing its way through my brain. Luke warned me these might happen, and fuck if they’re not painful as hell._ _ _ _

____“It was fine,” she answers nonchalantly. “We ate dinner already, so I’m just going to take a shower and get ready for bed.”_ _ _ _

____I nod, feeling the uncomfortable tension in the air, but not knowing how to address it._ _ _ _

____“Did you take your anxiety pills?”_ _ _ _

____I groan internally, knowing she’d eventually ask that._ _ _ _

____“No.”_ _ _ _

____“Why not?”_ _ _ _

____“Because I think they’re giving me headaches.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you take the painkillers?” she asks, stopping before she heads toward the stairs as I sit at the counter._ _ _ _

____“Yes,” I sigh, trying not to roll my eyes._ _ _ _

____“Does your hand look any better?”_ _ _ _

____“No, Rey. It looks like I fucking cut it open with a knife.”_ _ _ _

____I rest my head in my palms again, closing my eyes from the lights in the room that feel as if they were turned up a thousand degrees._ _ _ _

____“Well… maybe I should look at it.”_ _ _ _

____“You’re not a fucking doctor, what the hell can you do about it?” I spit bitterly, wishing she’d just go upstairs and leave me alone so I can focus on getting rid of this headache._ _ _ _

____“Is something wrong?” she asks, ignoring my sharp tone and stepping toward me. I scoff at her ridiculous question._ _ _ _

“What’s wrong, is that I’m going insane, Rey. I thought that would have been more than obvious by now. Now can you _please _leave me alone?”__

________I’m not even sure my brain is registering what I’m saying, but if she doesn’t leave soon, I know I’m going to do something I’ll regret._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel her hand on my arm, but it doesn’t feel comforting like I’m sure she intends it to. Its feels more like she’s afraid I’m about to rip her throat out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you need me to call your parents or Luke?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_Fuck!_

__________“Rey, every time something happens, you don’t have to go running to my parents,” I shout, a little more loudly than necessary as I turn to glare at her. “I can fucking handle myself, I don’t need you to baby me every five minutes and make sure I’m taking care of myself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her eyes narrow, the tentative, sympathetic look vanishing from her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Is that how you ended up in the fucking hospital?” she demands. “Is that why I came home to find you practically _dead _on the floor?! Because you’re an adult and can take care of yourself?”__

____________I don’t respond, but just turn away from her and place my head back in my hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I suppose you don’t need my help,” she continues. “Only when you need me to drive you to the hospital because you sliced your hand open and stopped breathing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I mutter. “I just want you to leave me alone for _five fucking minutes. _”__

“I’ve left you alone for pretty much four days straight, Kylo, because all you do is push me away. And then you want me to come back, and then you shut me out again, and then you want me with you again, and we go through the same bullshit over and over for months now! _I don’t know what you want from me! _”__

________________I turn to stare at her again after she’s had her hyperventilating outburst._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Lovely,” I chide sarcastically. “Have you been holding that back for a while now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Fuck you,” she sighs, shaking her head and turning to walk away. “You should be thankful your family cares enough to even want to help you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You don’t have to tell me what a lost cause I am. I wonder all the time why anyone would bother giving a shit about me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I hear her stop again before she reaches the stairs, turning back toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Because, despite what you may think Kylo, you’re not a despicable human being that everyone hates,” she replies, sounding appalled I would say such a thing. “Why else do you think we’re all bugging the shit out of you?! Because we don’t care about you? Because we think you’re an asshole? Though you certainly are acting like one at the moment.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I know I should just stay quiet and wait for her to leave, but I suddenly feel anger begin shaking through me, though I don’t really know at what._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You know, I didn’t fucking leave my parents when I was eighteen just so I could have another one, Rey, so you can stop acting like one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Why do you hate your parents so much?!” she suddenly exclaims, taking me completely by surprise. _Since when does she care how I feel about my parents?_

__________________“They’ve been there for you your entire life, they’ve gotten you out of so much shit, and you can’t even take a second to be thankful for any of it! I’ve been waiting nearly three years to see why you claim to despise them so much, and I haven’t seen them so much as give you an unpleasant look! Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have had people there for you that you can trust for your entire life? People to take care of your shit whenever you fuck up? And all you’ve ever done is act like they’re the worst parents in the world!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I stand up from the counter, ignoring the sharp pang that rings through my head as I do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You think because you’ve known me a few years, you suddenly know everything about me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She stares at me with a bizarre look on her face, like I’ve actually lost my mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you fucking kidding me?” she practically growls, her eyes ablaze with ire. “Kylo, you actually think I don’t know you like the back of my hand by now?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well if you did, maybe you wouldn’t be bothering me about how I never tell you anything if you can just read my fucking mind.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Oh, I’m so sorry that asking you how you’re feeling or why you’re acting so strange, or why you despise your parents so much makes you flip out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I glare down at her, feeling myself brim with rage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Your just like them. You can’t just let me handle myself, you have to micromanage my entire life like I’m a fucking child.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Maybe I wouldn’t if I trusted you enough to not do something stupid to yourself!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I quickly register her words, my eyes narrowing down at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“So you don’t trust me,” I confirm, the words all but burning in my throat. “Is that what it is?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She stares back at me, her expression becoming seemingly calmer, yet all the more venomous._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How can I trust you when you never tell me when something’s wrong?” she challenges._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Some part of my brain understands what she’s saying, but all I can linger on is the confirmation that she doesn’t in fact trust me, something I’ve been suspicious of since the night she refused to tell me why she was having nightmares. And the last thing I want to do right now is show her how bad that hurts me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m glad we got that cleared up,” I tell her honestly. She shakes her head with disbelief, as if I were a child who isn’t behaving._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo,” she starts, her tone sounding almost like a plea. “Don’t you understand that if you keep pushing people away, you’re going to end up alone? I know that’s not what you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yeah, I’ve heard it all before, Rey. I get enough of that from my parents, I don’t need a lecture from you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well maybe you do!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I feel myself snap, my mind unable to stop myself from the outrage that suddenly shoots through me as my gaze turns into a violent glare, my voice dropping lower and becoming unrecognizable, even to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“How would _you _fucking know anything about this? You don’t even have any fucking family, so you have_ no _right to tell me about mine.”__

____________________The cruel sentence has barely left my mouth before a horrible shiver of guilt riddles through me. All the anger previously filtering through my every thought suddenly clears when my words hang in the deadly silent air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The expression on her face is enough to practically bring me to my knees. I can see the combination of shock, hurt, and acceptance all coiling through her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She blinks back tears, a stubborn expression masking her hurt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I feel as if every muscle in my chest is being torn in half as I stare over at the woman I’m supposed to love, whom I just insulted more than I thought possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________My mouth hangs open as I try to force every different form of apology running through my mind, but nothing comes out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I see her grit her teeth behind her thinned lips as she turns sharply, heading for the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Panic shoots through me as I quickly force myself to move after her. I know what I just said to her was beyond sickening, but I don’t want her to leave the house alone, especially this upset._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, wait,” I plead, quickly following behind her as she grabs the door handle and yanks the door open. “ _Stop _,” I beg as I push the door closed, taking ahold of her arms and trying to pull her towards me.__

______________________She doesn’t even stop to look at me as she yanks herself out of my grasp and turns back, walking toward the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Rey, I didn’t mean that,” I try to call out, but my voice comes out much quieter than I’d hoped it would. She doesn’t acknowledge me, just continues up the stairs until she goes into the bedroom, closing the door loudly behind her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I lean up against the door, my body slumping to the ground, most of the feeling leaving me as I try to comprehend whether this is real or not. Whether or not I really just said that to her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________What’s worse is, I said it because I knew what it would do to her. In that brief moment, I suddenly felt absolutely fuming with rage, blinded to anything around me. Like I had when I’d thrown the glass. My brain had searched for whatever would hurt her the most._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________All I’ve tried to do through this whole ordeal is to try everything in my power to not hurt her. I knew there’d be a time where I lashed out, lost control of myself with her. I’ve kept my distance, I’ve tried keeping her out of everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Now I’ve hurt her more than I ever thought I could. I told her she doesn’t have a family, that she has no one. That she’s alone. When all I’ve been trying to do for three years is let her know that she does have a family. That she’ll never be alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I stay up in the bedroom for the rest of the night. I don’t even shower or get ready for bed like I was going to. I just end up laying on the bed, staring blankly at the wall, tears falling freely from my eyes until I suppose my body runs out of energy to continue crying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Of course I know Kylo didn’t mean what he’d said. He was angry and said something stupid. It happens to everyone. But I can’t help a part of me that feels almost betrayed by his words. That was the last thing I’d have expected from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He’s never been violent towards me in any way, even when we get into arguments. I never expected him to say something to hurt me any more than I’d expect him to hit me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Maybe after him shattering a glass against the counter should have been a warning for me. But in an awful way, hearing those words from him, paired with a strange sadistic-like hate in his voice, felt worse than any physical pain I could imagine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Maybe he didn’t mean it, seconds after he said it. But he’d meant it in that brief moment, that couple of seconds where he looked at me as if he couldn’t possibly hate anything more, he knew what saying that would do to me. That’s why it hurts so much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I’ve never been so hurt by anything he’s done. But more than anything, I’ve never been so afraid. Any fear and every doubt I’ve been having about whether I can handle all of this or not seemed to be confirmed just now. I feel like there really is nothing else I can do. No matter what I try, I’m not going to be able to get through to him. Even now that he has Luke’s help and the threat of having to stay in a hospital for months of his life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I hear him come up the stairs a couple times. He stops outside the door, and I wait for him to knock or just open the door and come in. But he just stands outside for a few seconds, as if unsure of what to do. I’ll continue to ignore him either way. The last thing I want to do at the moment is talk to him, or even look at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I don’t know how long I’ve been up here. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve moved. I don’t know what I want to say to him, or if I even want to say anything to him at all. Although that would be extremely weird since we’re supposed to be sleeping in the same bed, so maybe it’s best if I just sleep somewhere else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He opens the door and finally walks in, at nearly ten pm, when I guess he figured we’d better talk before we go to bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I can see the horror that flickers across his face when he sees the zombie-ish state I’m in. My eyes still don’t completely raise to look at him. Instead I try not to stare too bitterly down at the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Of course I want to tell him what an asshole he is for making me this upset, for everything that I’ve gone through for him just to have him pretty much tell me he doesn’t care. But fighting with him anymore isn’t going to solve anything besides my small desire to get back at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He steps closer to me as I stay sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to decide how I’m going to say this to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Rey, that wasn’t me,” he starts before I can. “I was angry, I didn’t even know what I was saying…” he looks as if he wants to sit beside me or take my hand or something, but he stays a couple feet away. “I would never think that about you. I feel sick that I even…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He stops for a moment, as if unable to find the words to express his sorrow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I don’t know if it matters much to you, but I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself,” he continues. “And I don’t know how to apologize to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It’s quiet for a moment, and I guess he’s waiting for me to say something. I keep my gaze on the ground, feeling a lump form in my throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Rey?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He sounds nervous, and I suddenly feel bad that I’ve decided all of this on my own without even talking with him first._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I raise my head toward him, but still don’t quite meet his gaze before finally answering him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I think we need to take a break.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	31. Chapter 31

Kylo P.O.V.

I don’t say anything for a long time. Her words linger in the air, ringing through my head. I’m positive at first that I must have not heard her right. But I did.

My stomach lurches in horror, and I suddenly feel as if I’m back in one of my nightmares. _This can’t be real. I’m dreaming again… ___

__She finally looks me in the eye, her expression still reflecting how upset she is, but with a hint of determination behind it as well._ _

__“No,” I answer, because it’s the only thing I can physically answer. Of course, she seems to have expected this response._ _

__“I’m not saying we should break up,” she clarifies, as if that should make it better. “I don’t want to lose you.”_ _

__She pauses, but there obviously must be more than that._ _

“I _can’t _lose you,” I tell her. She’s crying again.__

“I know. I don’t think I could lose you either. But Kylo, I think you just need some _space. _”__

________I think of a million different things to say to her that range from exploding in outrage at why she would ever consider such a thing, and collapsing to my knees, begging her to forgive me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Maybe you were right,” she continues, shrugging her shoulders as if in defeat. “Maybe I can’t handle all of this. And maybe I’m just making everything worse for you-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey, you’re the only thing that’s keeping me from losing my mind.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She just shakes her head, looking up at me questioningly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t think that’s true,” she observes. I shake my head quickly, now feeling panic spread through me as I rush over to the bed and grab both her hands in mine._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey, I was just in a shitty mood tonight,” I try to rapidly explain, “I wasn’t feeling good and I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have. I made a mistake, it won’t happen ever again, I swear…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I trail off once I realize I sound like pretty much every other asshole on the planet trying to stop his girlfriend from leaving him after he’s done something shitty._ _ _ _ _ _

“I love you,” I say to her, kneeling down so that I’m looking straight at her, my hands going to hold her face. “I will _never _talk to you like that again.”__

____________“It’s not just that!” she insists, her tears falling down onto my hands. “You’ve been miserable for months now, Kylo. And nothing I’ve tried is working.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She gently takes my hands in hers, pulling them away from her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So I think it would be better if I give you some time to figure yourself out. Then maybe you’ll feel better-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Not if you’re not here,” I answer, amazed that she’s ever think I’ll get better without her with me. “Not when I don’t know where you are and I can’t… talk to you or see you…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll just stay with Finn and Poe. You can call me whenever you want, but I really think taking a break will help you to… find yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Find myself _, what does that mean?” I ask, my dread getting the best of me and beginning to make me hyperventilate.__

______________“It means, you haven’t been yourself and it’s scaring the shit out of me! I feel like you’re a completely different person and I’m…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I stare up at her, feeling a sharp pain in my chest, not unlike I did a few days ago when I thought I was dying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You don’t think you love me anymore,” I finish for her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I didn’t mean that,” she counters, shaking her head, but looking as if the idea isn’t completely new to her. “I just mean that… I’m afraid.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What are you afraid of, you don’t have to be afraid of me,” I explain, hoping that this is the only problem and I can convince her to get over it. “I’m still me. I still love you more than I’ve ever cared about anything before.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She nods, but continues choking back sobs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know you do,” she nods, her crying becoming more intense. “I love you so much, Kylo, and this hurts me too. But it hurts worse to be around you all the time and feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. I’m not just doing this for you, I have to do this for myself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Now I feel as if someone just shot a million bullets through every inch of my body. That sensation would probably feel like a relief compared to this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Rey…” my voice sounds barely above a whisper. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn't you tell me I was hurting you so bad, I would have-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What?” she asks doubtfully. “You would have just changed like that and decided to finally tell me everything that’s wrong and start to try and help yourself?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Maybe,” I nod. She shakes her head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No. We both know that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Which is why I don’t think me being here is helping much with you getting better. It seems like I’m just making you worse.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Rey, _please _,” I beg, my hands practically crushing hers as my voice trembles with fear. I try to keep looking her in the eye, but my gaze drops to the floor. “Please don’t do this.”__

________________My own tears begin falling as she clutches my hands reassuringly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We could just give it a couple weeks,” she continues, her voice sounding steadier, making me all the more scared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _No _,” I repeat, looking back up at her.__

__________________I take a deep breath, trying to find the right words that will convince her that all of this is over. That knowing how long she’s been feeling like this makes me feel disgusted with myself that I’ve been putting her through all this misery when I thought I was the only one who was hurting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I can stop this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I love you,” I tell her clearly, pushing back the sobs trying to escape my throat. “Nothing else matters to me. And I never meant to put you through all of this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I sigh, trying to pull myself together enough to finally let her in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“The truth is… you are part of the reason of what’s been going on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She looks caught off guard, as if she suspected this, but didn’t expect me to admit it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo, this isn’t going to-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Rey,” I stop her, getting up to sit on the bed beside her. “You’re right. I haven’t been myself, I haven’t felt like myself, I’ve been feeling like everything’s going to fall apart any minute… I’m scared. I’m really scared.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She shakes her head, her expression not changing much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Kylo, I’m not doing this to try to force a confession out of you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know. But I need to tell you this. I didn’t want to, I wanted to cut myself off and not bring you into it because I thought that would make it go away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She looks at me with concern, and I know I must have her attention now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Make _what _go away?” she asks, her tone desperate.__

____________________“The nightmares. All the… thoughts I keep having about you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Her eyes narrow in worry as her hands gently go to my lap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You were having nightmares about _me? _”__

______________________I have to look away from her as more shame fills my thoughts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Oh, Kylo.” She sounds almost relieved, which makes me feel a lot better. “Why couldn’t you just _tell _me?”__

________________________“The same reason you didn’t want to tell me about yours,” I answer her, praying she’ll understand. “Because I thought talking about them would make it worse. Or… make them real.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She gives me a moment while I try to calm down, holding tightly to her hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What happened in the dreams?” she asks after I’ve loosened my grip on her slightly. I sigh in resignation, knowing she’d eventually ask this question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I try to find a way to explain that won’t freak her out. Or get me all worked up again. But really, there is no way to make a dream in which someone dies in your arms, sound semi-pleasant._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“The first time… we were in some forest. In the snow. I think something had just happened… you were on the ground covered in blood and I tried to help you, but… you died. I was holding you and you died… and they kept going on like that for a while”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Ok,” she acknowledges, her arm gently wrapping around my shoulder. “Well, that explains a lot.” She’s probably remembering the time I had woken up crying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“That’s all I would think about,” I tell her, feeling slightly awkward about revealing all of this to her. “I couldn't get the images or the sounds out of my head… it was so real, I didn’t know if it was a dream or not. Sometimes I… I wasn’t even here. It felt like I was trapped somewhere, I couldn’t see or hear anything…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She sighs, reaching up to run her fingers through my hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Why couldn’t you talk to me, baby?” she asks, sounding just about as pained as I feel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Because I feel weak,” I hiss out, angry at myself. “I’m supposed to have this shit under control, and all I’ve done is fuck everything up. And I can’t get these nightmares out of my mind…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You’re not weak for feeling afraid, Kylo,” she tells me softly. “If you never felt afraid or angry or sad, you wouldn’t be human.” She hesitates before continuing, and I hear a hint of uncertainty in her voice. “And I don’t know what will help you, but I know that after I talked to you about everything and was completely honest with myself and with you, my nightmares almost immediately went away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I consider her words for a moment as I continue holding her hand, and trying successfully to keep myself here with her, and not off in my own mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“They did?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Yes _. Kylo, I think you and I aren’t too keen on sharing personal things with anyone because we think it will hurt them or make everything worse. But the only thing hiding from each other has done, is gotten us into a terrible mess.”__

__________________________She’s right, of course. “Protecting” each other has backfired tremendously. I thought perhaps Rey didn’t love me or trust me anymore when she wouldn’t tell me what’s going on, and Rey thought I was changing into someone she couldn’t love when I refused to talk to her about anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“It gets worse,” I continue, forcing the words out of my mouth before I can second guess myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She moves closer to me, her body hugging closely to mine, encouraging me to continue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Things got… worse.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“How do you mean?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________I grit my teeth, trying to reassure myself that I need to tell her this, if there’s any hope of her trusting me again. I need to do this for her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I had a nightmare where… it was me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She stares at me, confused, and I force myself to continue explaining._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“It was me who was… killing you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________In the second or two of silence that follows my confession, I decide to keep talking, mostly because a part of me had been dying to admit all of this to her, but also because I’m afraid to give her time to respond._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“There were dead bodies everywhere, and you were angry at me… I think I killed them. And then I tried going over to you, but… I just started… choking you… and I couldn’t stop. It was like I wasn’t even in control of myself. And it was so real, I could have sworn I had actually…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________For a moment, I’m afraid she’ll react just the way I predicted she would. That she’ll be terrified of the sick fantasy that had played out in my mind, that she won’t be able to look at me without fearing that I might want to act on that delusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________But all she does is gently push my head down into her shoulder, before running her hand comfortingly down my back, easing my sudden rapid breathing. I sink into her hold, closing my eyes and feeling her warmth surround me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“That’s why you didn’t want to touch me,” she concludes. “And you were strangling yourself in your sleep.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________A jolt of sickening horror goes through me, picturing her having to wake up to that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I didn’t know that,” I tell her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“If you’d let me talk to you, you would have,” she points out, and I can tell she’s still frustrated._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I’m sorry, Rey,” I choke out, feeling myself begin to sob again, but quickly try to steady myself. “I never meant to push you away from me. I thought if I distanced myself from everything, I could keep from becoming…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She waits for me to continue before suddenly turning sharply toward me, pushing me back up so that I’m looking straight at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You are _not _your grandfather,” she tells me sternly. “You don’t have to go down the same path as him. He made a horrible mistake, but you won’t.”__

____________________________I almost laugh at how certain she sounds, as if she’s seen my future._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“How do you know that?” I ask her, doubtful that she’ll be able to give me a convincing answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Because I know you. You’re a good man who got thrown in the same shitty situation as your grandfather did, but you won’t make the same mistakes as him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________She moves closer to me again, her hands cupping my face and holding my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You know everytime you tell me you love me, and that I’m beautiful and good? I believe you. Because I trust you with my life. Why do you tell me those things?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Because they’re true,” I answer, hardly having to think about that simple answer at all. She nods, as if this was her point._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Then why can’t you believe me when I tell you I love you, and you’re a good man who’s capable of being loved and giving love? I say those things because I know they’re true, Kylo. You make me believe that I am a truly good person, and all I want is for you to believe that about yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________She lowers her hand from my face, her fingers once again interlocking with mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Don’t try to be a better person just for me,” she instructs. “Be better for yourself. Do it because you know you deserve to be happy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Normally, I wouldn’t take any of these words to heart. I know I’m not the nicest or most likeable person in the world. Or the easiest to be around. In fact, when Rey and I first started going out, I wondered why a light hearted, lovely beyond all belief young woman, would want to waste her breath on someone like me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________But she did. And as she tells me all of this now, I realize, I can’t be as wretched of a soul as I previously thought, if someone as pure and kind as Rey loves me as much as I love her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________For whatever reason, she sees something in me. Luke and my parents see something in me. They’ve spent this long trying to reach me, so I can’t be as insufferable as I seem._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You sound just like Luke, with all this inspirational advice,” I tell her, offering her a grin to try and lighten the mood._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________To my great relief, she laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“He has a point, you know,” she nudges me. I shake my head in acceptance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Maybe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________She leans her head against mine, as I nestle against her shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I’m glad you told me,” she says softly. “You have no idea how relieved I am.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Please don’t leave me,” I whisper, feeling my heart race in a panic once again. “I know I hurt you, and maybe you can’t trust me anymore, but… I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________I don’t know if I sound as pathetic as I think I might, but I can’t think of anything else to say to her to implore her to stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I love you, Rey,” I add, feeling as if I can’t express the words enough. “Just know that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________We sit in silence as she holds me against her, and I wonder if perhaps these are the last few moments I’ll have with her. I know she said she wasn’t going to break up with me, but what will happen once she spends a few days away from me and realizes how much easier her life could be?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________But to my extreme gratefulness, those thoughts instantly leave my mind as I feel her arms around me, hear her steady breathing as she buries her face in my hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_She loves me. Just as much as I love her. She won’t abandon me, she’s trying to help me._

___________________________She sits up and I raise my head to see her offering me a small smile that makes her look slightly more like herself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Why don’t we just go to bed,” she decides. “We’ll talk more in the morning.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Her words offer me the greatest sense of peace I’ve felt in weeks. And for the first time in what feels like years, we hold each other close the entire night, like we used to do every single night when she first moved in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	32. Chapter 32

Rey P.O.V.

“So he is doing better?” Leia asks me for the millionth time.

“Yes,” I grin, feeling slightly giddy at the fact that this statement is finally true. “He feels a little uncomfortable still, admitting everything to me, but he’s finally talking to me. He lets me know when he’s starting to feel weird, he wakes me up and tells me when he’s had a nightmare… Leia, it’s so much better.”

Her smile looks just as thankful as I feel.

“Luke said he seemed so much better yesterday when they talked,” she says as we both sit at the dining room table. “And when I saw him, he finally looked healthy again, but I didn’t want to say anything in case it would get him all worked up again.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” I shake my head as I take a sip of my tea.

She nods, still looking doubtful.

“Is he still… hurting himself?”

I slowly set my mug back on the table, seeing the sadness in her face and feeling how scared she must be to not know whether or not her son is ok.

“No,” I answer honestly, much to her relief. “He still wants to sometimes. But when that happens, he tells me, and we work it out. I’m not going to let anything happen to him,” I promise her, looking her in the eye.

She meets my gaze, and it looks as if she at least feels some comfort in that.

“I know,” she nods. “I trust you with all my heart, and so does Han.”

Her eyes shift off to the side, as if she’s not sure whether or not to bring up what she wants to say next.

“I don’t mean to pry into anything,” she begins, the motherly tone overtaking her again. “But the other day, Luke had mentioned something about… a fight between you and Ben.”

I nod slowly, a bit surprised that Kylo had actually told Luke about that.

“I know it’s none of my business really, it’s between the two of you. But… I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I can’t help feeling you’re getting left alone in all of this when we’ve all been so worried about Ben.”

“I’m ok,” I tell her honestly. “In fact… I think that fight made things a lot better for us.”

She nods, but doesn’t say anything, her expression becoming thoughtful as she stares down at the mug in her hands.

I’m about to ask her if anything else is wrong, but she raises her head to look up at me and sighs, as if deciding on something.

“I’m going to tell you something, Rey,” she informs me, sounding as if she’s perhaps debated on this for a while. “Only because I’m sure Ben hasn’t said anything to you about it, and he won’t if he doesn’t have to. In fact, he’ll probably be frustrated with me that I brought this up, but I get the feeling that you want an answer.”

I stare at her curiously as I wait anxiously for her to continue, unable to guess what this can possibly be about.

“Did Ben every tell you why… he _resents _Han and I so much?”__

__I almost can’t believe she decided to bring this up, since this was a prominent topic in the fight she and I had just been discussing._ _

__“No,” I answer, understanding why she predicts Kylo’s displeasure with her talking to me about this._ _

__“But I’m sure you’ve wondered,” she correctly presumes. I nod._ _

__Her eyes shift toward the ground as she takes her hands away from the mug, placing them instead in her lap, sitting up straighter, as if we were back at the office._ _

__“Han and I… we were quite unprepared when we had him,” she begins. “After we got married, Han made it clear to me that he wasn’t too keen on having children. Having no father of his own, he didn’t think he’d be able to make a good parental figure of himself. The truth is, I never thought much about having children, so I agreed. I was so caught up in my career, I didn’t think I’d have any room in my life to raise a child.”_ _

__She pauses for a moment, and I see a spark of sadness, or maybe guilt behind her eyes._ _

__“But things happened, and… well, I guess Ben is what you would call, a miracle baby.” She shakes her head, grinning fondly to herself. “I still to this day can’t imagine how it happened, we did everything to prevent a pregnancy. Luke insists that the Force had to have had a hand in it.”_ _

__I smile to myself, finding that I actually might agree with Luke._ _

__“Once we found out, I wanted to have the baby. I think Han was so caught up in the excitement of it all, he agreed we should keep it. So, we went along and had him. Everything was perfect for the first few years, Han was nervous of course, but I think he did absolutely wonderful. I found a way to balance work and my family, and I felt as if I were on top of the world.”_ _

__I remember all the stories Han had told me about raising Ben when he was little._ _

__“I heard he liked to play with puzzles,” I bring up, still trying to imagine a two year old Kylo sitting on the floor and expertly putting shapes into the right slots on those little wooden puzzle boards I used to see when I went to kindergarten._ _

__“Oh, yes,” Leia smiles. “I had to buy him a new one almost every week because he would get bored once he’d finished them a hundred times or so.”_ _

__We laugh, and I try to imagine how this story could end with Kylo despising his parents. But Leia’s expression soon grows solemn, as she seems to be recalling a particular memory._ _

__“Things got harder once Ben got older. Around fifth or sixth grade was when we noticed he was acting… strange. He was cutting himself off from people at school, he hardly went out anymore, he never seemed happy…”_ _

__She looks back at me, seeming to push the memories aside._ _

__“I suppose you know that part of the story,” she acknowledges. “When I couldn’t reach him, I asked Luke to try talking to him. And he fairly quickly deduced that Ben was showing signs of the same thing our father had gone through.”_ _

__Leia shakes her head, as if she didn’t know how to make me understand this._ _

__“It was very… difficult to try and explain this to Ben. That he needed help, that there was a way to make him feel better. He didn’t want to hear it. Luke said this was just the illness. And then… Han…”_ _

__She stops for a moment, and I wonder if I should even be hearing any of this. But I don’t stop her._ _

__“Around the time Ben was in middle school, Han started to worry more and more. He loved Ben so much, he never knew he could love anything like that. And it frightened him to know that this sickness was tormenting him, that there was really no way we could help him.”_ _

__Her eyes glaze over, and I know she’s seeing this time as clearly as if it were happening now._ _

__“I’ve never seen Han so afraid of anything before in all the years I’ve known him.”_ _

__Her gaze moves toward the window beside the table, but she looks to something far off, that I can’t see._ _

__“One night, Han and I had gotten into an argument. It was ridiculous really, the both of us were acting quite childish. I was afraid Han’s reaction to everything was making Ben feel worse, and he was upset that… that we’d even had a child in the first place.”_ _

__I can’t believe Han would ever think anything like that, for even a moment. But then again, I don’t have children and have never had parents._ _

__“Han might have said some things he shouldn’t have that night, and he’ll be the first to admit it. He was so afraid for Ben, he’d rather not have known him at all than have him live his life in this kind of pain, only to have the possibility of his life ending the same way Anakin’s did. That was what he meant, but it didn’t come out that way. And Ben had overheard.”_ _

__Once this thought processes through my mind, it’s as if everything has been explained. Leia just closes her eyes, and I can only imagine what she must be feeling._ _

“I can’t think of how that must have sounded to him,” she says, her voice filled with pain. “We’d never said anything to him about him being born miraculously. It didn’t matter anymore after he was born. But for him to find out that way… it’s the only thing I wish with all my heart I could go back and change. Normally, I’m the first one to say that wishing to go back and do things differently is impractical. But Ben… my _son _… I can’t believe we hurt him like that.”__

______I don’t know what to say. But I can’t deny the fact that this is a huge part of the problem. It’s a little hard for me imagine of course, but if I had heard my parents talking about me as if I were a mistake, it certainly would take a decent hit to any self confidence I have._ _ _ _ _ _

____“We tried apologizing, but the damage had been done, and his condition only made it worse. We were never the same after that. He did everything he could to cut his ties with us, moving out as soon as he could, barely keeping in contact with us. If it weren’t for the two of us working in the same office, I wouldn't have been able to keep ahold of him.”_ _ _ _

____“Why did he want to work at First Order if he knew you worked there?” I ask, thinking it odd that someone who held a grudge against his mother would want to work in the same vicinity._ _ _ _

____A bitter look flickers across her face, the intensity behind it taking me by surprise._ _ _ _

____“Of course you know Snoke and I have had our… differences ever since the day we met.”_ _ _ _

I nod, though I think I would have used a stronger word than _differences _.__

________“Ben used to always come to work with me after he got out of school. It was originally his plan to start working in the charity department after he graduated, then eventually move onto other things. But of course, as you know, he eventually found that wasn’t the direction he wanted to go.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I try to imagine what it might have been like if Kylo had worked in the same department as me. Of course, he would have been there before I was hired, and he probably would have been the assistant manager, i.e., my boss. How awkward._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I always warned him about Snoke, anytime he was mentioned or anytime we saw him passing the halls. You know all the stories about his criminal dealings.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I nod again, remembering all the practically confirmed rumors I’ve heard about Snoke having a hand in a bunch of drug and weapons deals in the past. Officially, he’s clean now, but most of us suspect that’s bullshit._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know how it happened, I was so careful to keep Ben away from him… but of course, I eventually heard that they had met a few times when Ben was at the office with me. Snoke convinced him to work for him, no doubt as some cheap move to get back at me. He kept telling him he was talented and useful, things like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______For a brief moment, I share in Leia’s anger. I always knew Snoke was a shithead, but now that it seems he basically manipulated Kylo into trusting him more than his own mother, it makes me despise the bastard a million times more._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I was terrified that Snoke was going to recruit him into one of his crime circles, but of course whenever I warned Ben about this, he thought I was just being overly paranoid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I can’t imagine what it must have been like to constantly worry that your son might be entering an intense criminal life because he’s trying to prove something to himself._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thankfully, it seems that isn’t the way things have turned out.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The anger begins leaving her face, as an almost reminiscent look comes into her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______“And in a way… I’m proud of him for choosing his own path. He’s so passionate about what he does, and that’s all I’ve really wanted for him. Even if he is working for a complete asshole.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I can’t help but laugh at her bluntness and she smiles warmly at me, her hands returning to the mug on the table as she finally takes a sip of her tea._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is he really going to be angry you told me all of this?” I ask, though I can’t imagine a version of an outcome where he’s pleased with any of this._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Maybe at first, but he’ll get over it,” she assures me. “If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: he’s different with you. I’ve never seen him happier than he is when he’s with you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______For the first time in a long while, I’m able to genuinely believe that might be true._ _ _ _ _ _


	33. Chapter 33

Rey P.O.V.

“You have to have some idea what this is about,” I tell Kylo as I drive down the street toward his parents’ house.

“I swear, I wasn’t told anything,” he answers for the tenth time. “I told you, Luke is cryptic as fuck. You’ll never be able to get a straight answer out of the man.”

Early this morning, not long after Kylo and I had arrived at work, I’d gotten a call from Luke. I was afraid it had something to do with Kylo, so I sounded pretty frantic when I answered the phone. It’s only been about two weeks since he’s shown massive signs of improvement, but I was nervous something bad had happened. Why else would Luke be calling me at eight in the morning?

But instead, sounding almost unsure of himself, he asked me if I could come down to Han and Leia’s house this afternoon because he has something he wants to talk to me about.

“About you,” he had reassured me when I again asked if it had something to do with Kylo. “I assure you Rey, Ben is doing much better. I’m sure he’s told you that himself.”

That’s true, but I have no idea what else he could want to talk to me about. When I pushed for a more detailed answer, he just told me it’s better if we talk in person, back at the house.

So, here we are.

“How could you have no idea?” I ask Kylo, feeling antsy about getting there as fast as I can so I can figure out what this is about. “You’ve been spending two hours with him four times a week for the past two weeks, you must have some idea what he wants to talk to me ‘in person’ about.”

“Babe, if I did, I would just tell you, and save us a trip. I’m getting sick of coming here as it is.” 

“You didn’t have to come,” I point out. “Apparently this has nothing to do with you.”

“Well, I want to know what this is about too,” he says as I pull into the driveway. “He hasn’t been this mysterious in a while, I have to keep up with him.”

When we get inside, the house is very quiet, so I assume everyone but Luke is out. I know Leia is still at work, and I suppose Han is too. Luke is waiting for us in the living room.

Once we get all the greetings out of the way, and Luke makes sure Kylo is still doing ok (which he begrudgingly answers that he’s fine), Luke and I take a seat on the couch while Kylo goes to sit at the sofa chair. I notice a blank folder sitting on the coffee table that Luke moves to pick up.

“Now, Rey,” he begins, facing me as I sit next to him, “I’m not quite sure how you’re going to react to this. I’ll be the first to admit, I probably should have gone about this a different way. I should have brought you in on this when I first began to… well, I guess it doesn’t matter much now.”

“Luke, you’re starting to worry me,” I tell him, grinning teasingly, but feeling an honest shock of anxiousness.

He offers me a small smile in return, but maintains his somber tone.

“This may be a bit shocking at first,” he warns. 

“I’m sure I can handle it.”

He doesn’t seem too sure, but he continues anyway. 

“You remember that I was spending some time in Mandalore, before I came to the hospital.” 

“Yes.” 

“Did Han or Leia ever mention what I was doing over there?” 

“No,” I shake my head, remembering Han asking me a very similar question a few weeks ago. 

He nods, predicting my answer. 

“I was meeting with people who, at one time or another, were particularly close with Satine Kryze.”

He pauses, seeming to study my reaction to this. The name doesn’t sound familiar at all, and I’ve never been to Mandalore, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be getting.

“Who’s that?” I ask. 

He hesitates again before answering, but only briefly. 

“Your grandmother.” 

My first thought is that I didn’t hear him right. Or perhaps he’s joking.

That has to be it. I have no family. There’s no way he would be able to find anyone in this planet who is related to me. I’ve never had any family, there’s no one but me.

I realize I’ve been sitting and staring into nothing for a while now, because no one has made a sound in, what feels like hours. 

“You made a mistake,” I finally say, my voice sounding slightly hoarse, as if I’d just woken up. “You have that wrong, I don’t have any family.” 

“You do,” he responds, nodding in confirmation. “When you were left at the orphanage, you were left with the last name Kenobi, yes?”

I nod, feeling myself beginning to tremble slightly. 

“I recognized the name immediately,” he continues. “And I recognized something else in you as well. You of course remember everything about Obi-Wan?”

I nod again. _What does he have to do with any- ___

__“But I suppose you weren’t told his last name was also Kenobi.”_ _

__It takes my brain a while to register what he is saying to me. But it doesn’t take Kylo that long._ _

“ _What?! _” he exclaims, his reaction practically boxing every emotion I’m feeling. “That was his last name?!”__

______“I’m surprised you never recalled that, Ben,” Luke says, looking over to him as I stare down at my hands, my mind a mess of questioning everything I’ve known my entire life up until now._ _ _ _ _ _

____“No one ever told me his last name!” Kylo protests. “How often would you talk about someone using their first and last name?”_ _ _ _

____“Fair enough,” Luke nods._ _ _ _

____“Why wouldn’t Leia have told any of us this?” Kylo demands._ _ _ _

____“She wasn’t sure. She looked into it briefly after meeting Rey for the first time, but couldn’t find anything, so she let it go.” He turns his attention back to me. “Now, allow me a moment to explain everything to you.”_ _ _ _

____I look back up at him, still too shocked to properly react to anything I’m hearing._ _ _ _

____“Now, I spent a decent amount of time fact checking all of this over and over again, so I’m fairly confident everything I’m going to tell you is one hundred percent true.”_ _ _ _

____I nod again, feeling my entire body going numb. So numb, that I can barely feel Kylo sitting beside me and taking my hand in his._ _ _ _

____“Satine and Obi-Wan knew each other when they were young. I believe she was the only woman Obi-Wan ever loved. He was quite determined that he wanted his life to be completely dedicated to the Jedi religion, nothing else taking room in his heart. But of course, that isn’t human nature.”_ _ _ _

____“So he had a secret wife the whole time?” Kylo asks._ _ _ _

____“Not exactly. According to the daughter of one of Satine’s close friends, Satine became pregnant shortly before so Obi-Wan first met Anakin. Satine has disclosed the fact that it was Obi-Wan’s child to very few people, and Obi-Wan wasn’t one of them. She didn’t want to pull him into something he might not want, so she allowed them to part ways before he ever found out.”_ _ _ _

____“And he never suspected anything?” Kylo asks doubtfully._ _ _ _

____“I suppose he had no reason to. I’m sure they took all the necessary precautions, but things happen.”_ _ _ _

____“What does this have to do with me?” I ask, my voice still sounding strained._ _ _ _

____“Well, Satine had her child eventually. A daughter, whom she named Qi’ra.”_ _ _ _

_Qi’ra _. I slowly repeat the name over in my head. The name of the mother I’ve never met. The name I’ve been wondering about all my life.__

________Luke finally pulls something out of the folder he’s been holding, handing it over to me. I accept it in my trembling hands, looking it over to see it’s a birth certificate for Qi’ra Kryze. Satine’s signature is there, but no father signature._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Apparently, Qi’ra was a lovely child, who grew into a beautiful young woman,” Luke continues. “But she was much more… adventurous than her mother. Political life didn’t suit her well, and she often would run off to all kinds of places to try to find her own life.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______A look of guilt suddenly riddles his expression, as if he’s afraid to tell me the rest._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Eventually she began spending time with a man who got her pregnant. She was terrified and returned back to Mandalore to ask her mother what to do.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“She was pregnant with me,” I conclude, my voice shaking in disbelief._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Satine tried to help find a way for you to be raised by her in Mandalore. But I think Qi’ra was incredibly frightened, she wasn’t ready to become a mother. So… she made a rash decision and dropped you off at an orphanage two days after you were born.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I guess Luke was right. This is too much of a shock._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hearing all of this at once, all of the answers to things I was sure I’d never know… it at least knocks me out of my trance enough to begin crying._ _ _ _ _ _

______Kylo holds my hand tighter in his, his other hand reaching around my waist in a comforting embrace, though I can tell he isn’t quite sure what I want him to do._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Who named me?” I’m eventually able to ask, reaching up to brush away the tears I’ve become much too acquainted with over the past month._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Qi’ra did,” Luke nods. “According to one of Satine’s friends, Qi’ra wanted to give you a name that reminded her of hope. A ray of light, if you will.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I can see Kylo give a small smile out of the corner of my eye._ _ _ _ _ _

______“She certainly knew what she was talking about,” he comments._ _ _ _ _ _

______“She loved you, Rey,” Luke assures me. “She just thought you’d have a better life elsewhere.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Where did she go?” I ask, a small flicker of excitement going through me. “Did Satine’s friends tell you where she’s living now? I don’t need her to become a part of my life or anything, but if I could just meet her…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t think that would be possible,” Luke answers sadly. “That was one of my first questions as well when I figured all of this out. But apparently, she ran off again after leaving you at the orphanage. No one has seen her since.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______My heart sinks as I mentally slap myself for hoping for such an impossible thing._ _ _ _ _ _

______“She kept in contact with Satine for the rest of Satine’s life, but after she passed away, no one heard from her. It’s anyone’s guess where she could be, but according to her whereabouts before you were born, she most likely isn’t anywhere around here.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I nod, feeling only a slight nudge of frustration._ _ _ _ _ _

______Perhaps I should be more angry. I should be livid that my mother left me to an orphanage where I somehow got thrown into the hands of an abusive asshole and spent basically my whole childhood alone, hoping against hope that _someone _would come for me. That I belonged to someone out in the world who wanted to have me.___ _ _ _ _ _

________But I’m not angry with her at all. Maybe it’s just the shock of learning that I do indeed have family out here, somewhere. I guess it’s rather impossible for me to feel any resentment at this moment when I’m just so overjoyed that I have blood relatives on this planet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you have any idea who my father was?” I ask doubtfully, thinking he probably would have told me that by now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I found out all I could about him, but it wasn’t much,” Luke shrugs, looking disappointed as well. “No one I talked to ever actually saw him, but Qi’ra mentioned him a few times. The only name I could get was Maul, I don’t know if that’s a first name or a last name. According to Qi’ra he was quite… intense.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“In a good way, or a bad way?” I ask, suddenly afraid that my father might have been a dick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Who knows,” Luke ponders. “Maybe both.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s silent for a while, while I stare down at the birth certificate in my hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why did she leave me with the name Kenobi?” I ask. “Why didn’t she just leave me with no last name at all if she wanted a different life for me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Qi’ra was an incredibly clever young girl,” Luke grins. “Apparently she asked all the time about her seemingly absent father. And Satine would tell her all these amazing stories about Qi’ra’s father, Obi-Wan Kenobi, the brave follower of the Jedi religion who had to leave his love behind in pursuit of discovering the secrets of the Force. Qi’ra was very fascinated by all of this. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she spent a lot of her journeys trying to find out more about him. But she wanted to leave you with something. Something that assured you you have a place in this world, that you’re connected to something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I blink at the silent tears that fall down onto my arm, wishing more than I ever have in my life, that I could have known my mother._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Rey, you know of course I don’t believe this is all just coincidence,” Luke continues. “I believe everything that happened, the life you’ve had, the way the Force has moved all these events… I believe it was so you would be led here, to where you are now. You are, in every way, Obi-Wan’s blood. He’s done so much to help my parents and Leia and I. And now you have done more than you could imagine to help my nephew.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I nod, closing my eyes as I try taking a deep breath, that comes out very shaky._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Obi-Wan was in every way apart of this family. And no matter what happens, you will always be as well, Rey. You were always connected to us, and that’s why I believe the Force has led you to Ben.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My hand holds tightly onto Kylo’s as I try to comprehend the reality that my whole life, even in the years I thought I had no one, I’ve been closer to him and his family than I ever thought I was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kylo softly kisses my temple as I try to stop my crying and calm down again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You might want to look through these,” Luke says, handing me the entire folder. “They’re just a few pictures, mostly of your grandmother, and your mother when she was a child. A few of Obi-Wan, but he wasn’t much for being the center of attention, so you won’t find too many of him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I tentatively take the folder from him, finding myself almost afraid to even look in it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“They just gave you all of this?” I ask, looking back up at him. “Satine’s friends? And they told you all of this information. Why?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“They always knew someone would come asking one day. If not you, then someone.” He grins to himself, as if recalling something. “They were incredibly curious about how you are doing. The last time they saw you, you were barely twenty four hours old.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I sigh in disbelief, staring down at the folder in my hands. I carefully open it to a picture of a woman with bright blonde hair, with a child of about three or four on her lap with a head of messy brown hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’ll give you a moment,” Luke says, rising from his seat on the couch and walking off toward the backyard, while I stare dumbfoundedly down at my mother and grandmother. Two things I never thought I had, much less would ever get to see._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I probably sat on the couch for way too long looking over, what can’t be more than ten photos. Most of them are of Satine and a very young version of my mother. The oldest she is in one of the photos is perhaps nineteen, and I can’t see it too clearly, but I suppose she looks a bit like me. Not enough that I would immediately recognize her to be my mother though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There are only two photos of Obi-Wan, and one of them seems to be taken without his knowledge. It’s actually quite beautiful. It looks like it was taken on a beach and he’s sitting on the sand next to a young man, looking out at the ocean. Kylo tells me the young man is Anakin. I can’t see too much of him, but from what I can see, I can tell that attractiveness must run in the Skywalker bloodline._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The second picture of Obi-Wan looks like it was taken when he was a bit older. He’s standing with a very young version of Luke, and it looks as if they are at some kind of fancy dinner. I notice a strange glint if sadness behind his aged eyes that wasn’t there in the other picture of him with Anakin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’ve never heard anything but good things about him,” Kylo tells me as I stare down at my grandfather. “He was kind. Leia told me he always saw the best in people.” He narrows his eyes in thought as he looks down at the picture. “She also told me he could be kind of a smartass.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, then I’m definitely related to him,” I laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He chuckles, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as my head falls against his arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Kylo, is this really happening?” I ask, still half convinced this is all a cruel dream. “I’m still refusing to believe any of this is true.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I know,” he murmurs, his lips gently brushing against my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I suddenly feel entirely overwhelmed, the weight of everything finally beginning to take ahold of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I quickly stuff the photos back into the folder, pushing it onto the coffee table as my heart begins beating rapidly in my chest, making my breath short._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t…” I try to find the words to explain, but Kylo softly pulls me into a hug, his chin resting against my shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s ok,” he reassures me, his hand rubbing down my back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about any of this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You don’t have to think about it now. Just give yourself some time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I nod, burying my face against his neck, my tears falling down onto his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I wish I knew what to do to make this any easier, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You always make everything easier,” I tell him, my arms hugging him closer to me as I shrink against him. “If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I can feel him smile at this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I just… it’s going to take me a while to even process any of this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you need me to leave you alone for a minute?” he asks, sounding like he really doesn't want to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No,” I answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My sobbing becomes harder as I try to make sense of everything that’s happened the past couple of months, the array of emotions that I’ve gone through, some that I’ve never felt before, all to end up here, with this last bomb of events I could never have predicted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I never want you to leave me alone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kylo and I decided we need a night away from everything that’s been going on, so we head up to the empty fields, to the place where he always used to go when he was younger to get away from everyone. We haven’t been back up here in ages, so we bring a bunch of snacks, a mattress, and tons of blankets so we can stay the night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I still don’t know how we managed to get everything up to the top of the rock, but we prevailed, despite the impossible, and are now huddling close together, buried under a sea of blankets on top of the small mattress._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I reach behind my head to grab another Oreo out of the package sitting behind us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How can you eat those things?” Kylo asks, staring at the cookie with disgust._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Because I have normal taste buds,” I tease him, biting into the creamy cookie. “Besides, cookies warm your soul.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I could warm your soul,” he whispers, rolling on top of me and kissing down my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I close my eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling of his soft lips brushing over my skin. It’s been so long since we’ve been intimate, everytime we so much as touch each other lately, I practically lose consciousness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“When was the last time I made love to you?” he asks, grabbing the half eaten Oreo out of my hand and tossing it back into the box._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can’t say,” I giggle as he positions himself over me. I shrink up against him as a breeze blows gently through the night air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you warm enough?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I nod. I have on a sweatshirt and a hoodie and am currently huddled underneath him, and five very thick blankets because I knew that anything less, and I would probably get hypothermia._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I love you,” I tell him after leaning up to kiss him deeply on the lips. His hand reaches up to stroke through my hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I love you too. I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I know. I’m sorry too.” My eyes lower guiltily. “I guess I didn’t really handle things as well as I thought I would.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He grins, shaking his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re still here with me,” he offers. “I’d say you handled it better than most would.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I smile, reaching up to grip my hands in his hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Because I don’t want to be anywhere else,” I assure him. “I promise you, I am never going to leave you alone. I know I said some things that… frightened you, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It’s ok,” he insists. “It was my fault. I know you didn’t want to leave me, but I left _you _. And that’s not going to happen again. Because I’m scared to death of losing you.”__

____________I nod in understanding, my hands massaging through his soft black hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You don’t have to be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I pull him down on top of me, hugging his head against my chest. His arms wrap underneath me and I feel a spark of warmth shoot through my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I wish we could stay here,” I think out loud, leaning my face down against his head. “Maybe somehow all of our problems will just disappear.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you doing ok?” he asks, rolling back over onto his side. “With… everything?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I know he means learning about my family, which I still don’t know how I feel about._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I guess so. I don’t really know. It still feels too… unreal. I mean, of course I knew I had to have come from somewhere, but now… knowing that I actually have living relatives out there somewhere…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I don’t understand why your mother hasn’t tried looking for you. I know she thought you’d be better off without her, but… doesn’t she want to know you’re ok?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I shrug, staring blankly out ahead of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sorry,” he quickly apologizes. “We don’t have to talk about it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s ok. I mean, a part of me wants her to find me so I could finally meet her and talk to her, and also know why she left me the way she did… which then leads me to thinking that I never want to meet her, because I might become angry with her if I actually saw her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That makes sense. Then maybe it’s just for the best if we… let it be, for now. Luke said the people he talked with in Mandalore would be willing to tell you anything you want to know. I didn’t know if maybe you… wanted to go down there. Just to see everything for yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I shake my head, having already briefly considered this before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” I admit. “Not for a while at least. Maybe one day.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nods in understanding. I turn to face him, curling up against his chest, staring intently into his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I have all the family I’ll ever need.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The smile he gives me tells me that that was probably one of the best things I could have told him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________His hand curls around my neck as he pulls me in to kiss him again. I laugh against his lips as his hands smooth down my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can I finish my Oreo now?” I ask, craning away from him to try and reach back into the pile of snacks behind us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Nope,” he answers, his hands moving down and pulling at my sweatpants. “We’re doing something first.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I laugh as he yanks my pants down the rest of the way and begins getting out of his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Just make sure the blankets don’t fall off, because I’ll literally freeze my ass off,” I warn him as he settles on top of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No, I won’t let you freeze your ass off,” he promises before planting a kiss on my forehead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m holding you to that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________We make love for the first time in two months, and I honestly find myself wondering why the two of us would do anything else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	34. Chapter 34

Three Months Later

Rey P.O.V.

“Rey, I swear I haven’t seen you in this good a mood in forever,” Finn grins as I run back up to him, my hair soaking wet, which is quite refreshing against the heat. We’re at the Boys and Girls Club and are hosting a summer activity day, which includes setting up a bunch of sprinklers that the kids (and us) can run through, on account of the ninety degree weather that’s been present the past month.

“You know, I really think I needed this,” I admit, quickly brushing my hands through my wet hair. “I’ve been away from Jakku so long, I think I’m finally starting to get used to it not being one hundred degrees everyday.”

“So you’re almost normal now?” he smirks. A few kids run up beside us, grabbing handfuls of chips from the tables set up.

“Hey!” I protest. “It wasn’t too long ago when you were the weird new kid at school and didn’t understand that you need to wear specific clothing to block out the heat. I had to stick up for you because everyone thought you were some kind of alien.”

“Um, actually-”

“Did you just ‘um, actually’ me, Mr. Finn Storm?” I question, crossing my arms and raising my eyebrows. 

“Yes. Actually, that was too long ago, that was more than ten years ago, and I wasn’t the weird one, it was all of you psychos who let the desert heat seep into your brain cells so you all acted like animals.”

“Don’t ruin my good mood, Finn,” I reply, tilting my head slightly at him. “I’ll shove you into the sprinklers.”

He looks unsurely at the group of children running around the projected splashes of water as if they were a bunch of lions at a watering hole. 

“I think I’d get killed,” he deduces, and I nod in agreement. 

We head back under the overhang, out of the harsh glare of the sun.

“So, what’s going on with this little vacation Poe is planning for us?” I question, leaning up against one of the plastic picnic tables. 

“Oh, he’s ecstatic,” Finn assures me. “He’s booked the house we’re going to be staying out, it’s this gorgeous little beach house. We’re staying five days, he’s got all the plane tickets organized. I’m surprised he isn’t printing out schedules for everyone.” 

“I’m sure he’ll give me the rundown. He’ll try giving it to Kylo as well, I’m sure.” 

“Is he still doing ok?” Finn asks tentatively, sounding as if he doesn’t want to risk bringing all of that up again.

“Finn, he’s amazing,” I smile. “I was so afraid that he’d start to get bad again after Luke went back to Ach-To, but… it’s like he finally feels comfortable with himself and opening up to me. He used to not even want to bother me whenever he’s feeling scared or uncomfortable about something, now he’s telling me everything.”

“Rey, that’s fantastic. Poe and I… well, you know how worried we were for a while.” 

“I know. But he’s doing so much better. And I am too. In a way, I kind of feel like a whole new woman. Like I can move onto a new part of my life.” 

“Well, that’s what I want to hear,” Finn nods, grinning eagerly. “And I swear, this trip to Naboo is going to put us all at ease. And get us away from this heat.”

Kylo P.O.V.

I’ve always been surprised at myself for not feeling absolutely awkward whenever shopping at the jewelry store for Rey. Usually, I’m able to find something for her fairly quickly. But today, I feel like the weight of a million worlds is on my shoulders. 

“I really feel like an asshole,” I mutter to Poe as I follow behind him while he strolls down the long cases showing an array of glittering rings. 

“Why?” he asks, staring intently at the displays. 

“Because I’m getting an engagement ring for my girlfriend and I don’t even know what to get her,” I whisper. “I don’t understand, I’ve always known what to get her before, but now…”

“Now, you’re getting her the most significant piece of jewelry she’ll ever wear, and one that she’s going to wear for the rest of her life. It’s natural to feel anxious, Kylo.” 

Even though Poe pretty much invited himself to this, I am thankful he’s here. Though I’d never admit it to him. He knows more about all this kind of stuff than I do. 

Poe stops and squints down at a cluster of smaller jewelled rings. 

“She never wears rings,” I remind him, though of course he already knows. “Do you think she’d even want to wear one?”

“I seriously can’t believe you’d even ask that,” he sighs in disbelief. “Do you know how much she loves you? And how fucking crazy she’ll go when you ask her to marry you? Speaking of which…” 

He turns to face me, and I stare down at him in confusion. He raises his eyebrows, as if I’m supposed to know what he’s talking about. 

“Have you figured it out yet?” he asks. “How you’re going to ask her?”

I avoid eye contact with him, which gives him his answer. 

“Come on, Kylo, if you’re getting the ring now, you need to have a plan!”

“I know, Poe, you don’t think I’ve thought about this?”

“Whatever, let’s just focus on this,” he says, turning back to the glass case. “Now, you know of course she prefers smaller things, so one of these would be the ones you’d want to go with. Plus, that would guarantee she’d be less likely to take it off, since it will be easier to work with.” 

“I don’t even know what color she’d want,” I admit, feeling like I want to slam my head against the counter. 

“She likes all colors. She changes her favorite color everyday, one day it’s blue, then red, then purple, white, green… really, she’d be fine with any color on her finger the rest of her life, so I wouldn’t worry about that. But I personally think you should also add your own little flare to it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, this ring is going to mean a lot to you too, so you want to make sure it’s something you like. What’s your favorite color?”

I stare at him pointedly.

“Besides black,” he instructs, looking unamused. 

_My favorite color? Have I ever had a favorite color? Have I even thought about it before? ___

__“I don’t know… red, I guess.”_ _

__“Red,” he nods, looking back at the case. “Red is good. Red is passionate.”_ _

__“Great,” I nod, walking a few steps away to look for a red ring.  
I find a few that look a little big and are oddly shaped. They’re either huge gaudy squares, or tiny dewdrop sized circles that I don’t really care for. _ _

__My eyes suddenly land on a small ring toward the back of the case. The band is thin, bare except for the circle of shiny silver stones circling an oval shaped, blood red diamond._ _

__It’s small, but noticeable. I try picturing it on Rey’s hand, the decent sized jewel glittering on her finger._ _

__I don’t realize I’ve been staring down at the thing for quite a while until Poe walks up beside me._ _

__“She’ll love it,” he says right away, as if easily reading my mind._ _

__“Yeah,” I nod, feeling myself begin to grin. I sigh, feeling my palms begin to sweat. “Fuck, am I really doing this?”_ _

__“Oh, yeah,” Poe nods, waving over one of the attendants behind the counter. “Hey, this one’s just under four thousand dollars, so you’re making out pretty good!”_ _

__“Fuck me.”_ _

__“I know, I told you you’d better make sure to pick one out that she’ll wear everyday.”_ _

__* * *_ _

__Rey P.O.V._ _

__I stick my hands under the icy cold water, clutching a bundle of strawberries in my hands. I wish I was small enough to jump into the sink myself._ _

__“Are you sure the air conditioner is on?” I ask again as Kylo finishes cutting all the grapes in half for the fruit salad._ _

__“I thought you would be ecstatic about this weather,” he replies as I turn to plop the strawberries onto one of the cutting boards. “You grew up in a desert.”_ _

__“That was many years ago. And now I have grown used to the freezing temperatures of the city, and anything above ninety degrees is pretty unbearable.”_ _

__“Well, I’ve cranked the AC down to fifty five, but we can’t leave it on all day.”_ _

__I groan in distress._ _

__“Did Poe talk to you about this trip we’re supposedly taking?” he asks as he begins pouring the grapes into the bowl._ _

__“He did, he made sure to give me an entire description all in an insanely long text message,” I nod. “I for one, am quite excited.”_ _

__“You’ve really never been to Naboo?” he grins, glancing up at me._ _

__“It never really crossed my mind to make time to go. Poe would always tell us about it, he went back when he was in middle school. He said it was amazing.”_ _

__“Yeah, Leia used to drag us out there every few years or so. My grandparents lived there for a while. It’s pretty nice, I guess.”_ _

__“I’ve seen the pictures of the beach house. It looks beautiful. Force, it will be so nice to get away from this heat, it’s supposed to be really nice over there right now.”_ _

__“Yeah, it’ll be nice to not feel like I’m constantly bathing in sweat.”_ _

__I smile to myself as he walks over to the fridge to get the blueberries._ _

__“Why don’t you just take your shirt off?” I offer, beginning to chop up the strawberries. He turns toward me, placing the cartons of blueberries on the counter._ _

__“I will when you do,” he counters._ _

__I drop the knife onto the counter, reaching down and yanking off my tank top, tossing it onto the ground._ _

__He looks back up at me while I cross my arms over my chest, nodding at him to follow. He looks me over quickly, then shakes his head._ _

__“That to,” he nods, staring at my bra. I give him an exasperated look, but he continues to ignore me._ _

__I reach behind me and unclasp my bra, shrugging it off and tossing it on top of the discarded tank top on the floor. It does actually feel nice._ _

__I turn back to him, putting my hands on my hips and waiting for him to look back up._ _

__He just grabs the basket of berries and takes them over to the sink to wash them, as if I didn’t even exist._ _

__I glance behind me at the counter in frustration, then grab onto the edge and hop on top of it._ _

__I stare at his back for a few seconds before swinging my legs up on top of the counter as well, nudging a bunch of the kitchenware out of the way to lay on my back._ _

__The chilled countertop feels amazing against the sweltering temperature, so much that I wouldn’t mind taking the rest of my clothes off and laying here the rest of the afternoon._ _

__I turn my head toward Kylo as he finally turns around, and I’m glad to see I caught him at least a little off guard with my display. I raise my eyebrows at him questioningly as his eyes trace along my body._ _

__He walks over to the counter, placing the basket of blueberries down beside me. I jump as a couple drops of water splash onto my stomach._ _

__“Take off the rest of your clothes,” he instructs._ _

__“Gladly,” I reply, overjoyed to free myself from my shorts and underwear with the weather being as it is._ _

__I throw the rest of my clothes down toward the floor, and Kylo grabs ahold of my wrists, pulling them up over my head so that my arms are stretched out on either side of my head, while my hands hang off the edge of the counter. He then goes down and grabs both my ankles, pulling my legs out straight so that I’m now laying completely flat on the counter._ _

__“Close your eyes and stay like that.”_ _

__“Mm hm,” I nod, closing my eyes while I bite my lip trying not to laugh._ _

__I wait like this for a moment while I hear him rustling around with things around me on the counter, and I’m about to give up and ask him where we’re going with this, when I suddenly nearly jump off the counter when I feel something incredibly cold being placed on my thigh._ _

__“Hold still,” he tells me as he continues placing small, very cold items up my leg. I keep my eyes closed, but pay close attention to the texture of whatever’s going onto my leg._ _

__“Kylo, are you putting banana slices on me?” I question after I think I’ve figured it out._ _

__“Just don’t move,” he says, though I can hear him grinning._ _

__I feel him put a pattern of bananas, grapes, and blueberries along my legs. I hold as still as I can so I don’t send them all toppling to the floor, but it’s very hard to balance small blueberries on myself._ _

__When there’s no more room left on my legs, I have to grind my hips hard onto the marble counter when I feel his fingers push through the folds in my vagina, with something very very cold in his hand, that feels suspiciously like a whole grape._ _

“You are _not _putting food inside me,” I hope out loud, trying to put some authority in my tone, but it comes out sounding rather out of breath.__

______“You’ll be fine, it’s washed,” he tries to reassure me as he pushes the fruit into me. I gasp as the grape, that feels more like an ice cube, suddenly fills me up, making a shiver go through me that I have to suppress._ _ _ _ _ _

____“Will you be able to get it out?” I worry, feeling like I’m completely ruining the mood with my concerns._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t put it all the way in.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you have to find the biggest one?” I ask sarcastically, feeling like the tiny fruit is more the size of an apple than a normal grape._ _ _ _

____“Yes,” he tells me. I hear him grab something else off the counter, and again have to stop my hips from jerking off the table when he sprays a line of whipped cream between my thighs._ _ _ _

____“Fuck, that’s cold!” I exclaims, though it feels amazing._ _ _ _

____“You look nice,” he compliments._ _ _ _

____“Good enough to eat?” I offer wittily._ _ _ _

____“Definitely,” he replies as I feel him drop one of the blueberries onto my naval and begin to place more fruit along my abdomen._ _ _ _

____The water from the fruit begins dripping down my body, giving me more relief from the heat. I don’t know if Kylo has had this fantasy for a while, or if he just came up with it on the spot, but it might be his most brilliant idea yet._ _ _ _

____He uses the whipped cream again once he gets to my breasts, and I find myself wishing I could somehow float out of myself and see what I look like._ _ _ _

____“It’s too bad we don’t have any cherries,” I quip once he’s finished decorating my breasts._ _ _ _

____“I can compromise,” he assures, and I soon feel what must be either the grapes or the blueberries being put atop of my breasts. Luckily, I don’t have to balance these because the whipped cream holds them pretty well._ _ _ _

____I feel something cold and ripply press against my lips, and I open my mouth to accept the strawberry slice being put between my teeth. I run my tongue over the small seeds covering the berry, trying to hold it steady without biting into it._ _ _ _

____“You look lovely,” he observes, stepping back to admire his work. “Maybe I should take a picture.”_ _ _ _

____If I wasn’t stuck with a berry in my mouth, I would tell him there is no way in hell that’s happening, but it would appear I am at his mercy._ _ _ _

____“I’d hate to ruin this so soon,” he acknowledges, and I try to keep from squirming when I feel his fingers brush down my side. “Maybe I should just leave you here a couple hours.”_ _ _ _

____“Uck oo,” I try to say, laughing through the berry between my teeth, though the idea isn’t completely unthinkable, since all of this has cooled me off immensely._ _ _ _

____“Fuck me?” he asks as I laugh again, my eyes squeezing shut._ _ _ _

____He sighs, waiting a moment before coming to his decision._ _ _ _

____“If you insist.”_ _ _ _

____Before I know it, he’s on top of the counter, leaning up on his knees as he spreads his legs on either side of me._ _ _ _

____I wait with anticipation until I finally feel his mouth close around one of the banana slices sitting on my knee._ _ _ _

____His lips travel all the way up and down my legs, eating up every piece of fruit one by one, his tongue flicking teasingly over my skin. I feel him drip the juice from the fruit down my legs, the side of his face rubbing against the soft skin on the inside of my thigh. I feel my clit begin to swell with need._ _ _ _

____He finally finishes with my legs, and before I can get my head back on straight, I feel his tongue lick a long line up my slit, cleaning away very inch of whipped cream._ _ _ _

____His tongue pushes through my folds, lapping around my pussy before slowly entering inside me, around the grape._ _ _ _

____My teeth sink slightly into the strawberry, the sharp flavor of the juice beginning to run down my lips. I groan loudly as he suckles at me and I feel that stupidly large grape yanked out of me. That sensation, coupled with the feeling of his nose and chin brushing against my clit as he pulls away from me, sends me shaking into and orgasm, made all the more intense by the fact I have to try not biting into the strawberry, and not moving an inch._ _ _ _

____My eyes finally open once I finish and I stare up at Kylo as he eats up the grape, his mouth glistening with my essence as he leans down over my chest. He lost his shirt somewhere in all of this, and now my eyes are excitedly crawling up his beautifully toned body._ _ _ _

____“Keep your eyes closed,” he warns, and I begrudgingly shut them again._ _ _ _

____I try my best to hold as still as possible as he leans down to eat the fruit lining the rest of my body, his lips softly kissing my skin as he pulls the cold fruit away from me._ _ _ _

____A soft moan escapes my throat when I feel his mouth sucking away the berries at my nipples, then caressing my breasts tenderly with his tongue as he licks away all the whipped cream._ _ _ _

____I yelp when he suddenly bites down on my nipple, playfully pulling on it while I try not to leap up from the counter and crush the berry between my teeth, which is the only thing stopping me from calling him a few well chosen names._ _ _ _

____He laughs to himself when he finally releases me and I sigh in a mixture of anger and arousal._ _ _ _

____His lips touch against mine before he opens his mouth and bites down into the strawberry. I eagerly follow suit, the juice finally bursting in my mouth as I bite through the seed-covered skin, Kylo’s tongue sweeping through my mouth._ _ _ _

____My hands reach up to tangle through his hair as his chest presses down on mine, his arms resting on either side of my head as he rubs himself against me._ _ _ _

____The feeling of his jeans rubbing against my naked pussy nearly makes my eyes pop out of my head. I bite down on his lip as my fingers massage against his scalp, making him exhale sharply._ _ _ _

____I release his lip and pull him away from me, needing a moment to catch my breath._ _ _ _

____I stare up at him as I continue gripping his hair, and smile breathlessly._ _ _ _

____“I don’t know how you come up with the things you do,” I tell him, shaking my head slightly._ _ _ _

____“I have an inspiring muse,” he answers, lightly brushing my hair away from my face. He kisses me on the lips, then jumps off the counter, scooping me up in his arms._ _ _ _

____“Where are we going?” I ask as he walks us towards the stairs._ _ _ _

____“I am going to hose you down,” he answers, “and then we are going to find something fun to do.”_ _ _ _

____“You know, I didn’t get any fruit salad. I believe it is my turn to eat off you now.”_ _ _ _

____“No,” he shakes his head as he walks up the stairs. “You don’t have my amazing artistic skills, it would look shitty.”_ _ _ _

“ _Hey! _”__

________“Hi.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I lean my head against his shoulder, groaning in frustration as he gets to the top of the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re relentless.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He looks down at me, giving me a small grin._ _ _ _ _ _

______“But you love me anyway?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I smile back, my hand caressing through his hair._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I do.”_ _ _ _ _ _


	35. Chapter 35

Kylo P.O.V.

I know I should have done this sooner. We’re leaving for Naboo tomorrow morning, and I’ve already decided I’m going to propose to Rey the last night we’re there. But I very quickly realized I have no idea what to say, how to do it, if I’m supposed to put the ring on her hand or not… 

I grilled Poe on all these questions, but he’s never proposed to anyone either, so he admitted he didn’t even know what would be best. Just that I didn’t have to worry, because she will say yes any way I do it. But I of course, can’t help but have my doubts. After everything that’s happened, even though it’s in the past and we’re much better about opening up to each other, the night she had said she wanted to leave me for a little while, hasn’t completely left my mind. 

So here I am, sitting at a table for two at a coffee shop by myself, like an asshole, waiting for Han to show up and meet me. 

I never in a million years would think I’d ever go to my dad for romantic advice. But it would seem as if I have indeed arrived at this point. He proposed to Leia once in his life, and she said yes, so as of now, he’s the only expert I know on this particular topic. 

He shows up exactly at two thirty, the time I’d asked him to meet me in my brief and incredibly awkward phone call, in which he sounded amazed that I even had his cell phone number.

He doesn’t look like he knows how exactly to greet me, so I just nod at him before he sits down at the chair across from me. 

“How’s everything been?” he starts, and I can tell he’s probably worried that I’m about to tell him something awful. 

“Good,” I answer, keeping my gaze somewhat off to the side. “I wanted to… I have something I need to ask you.”

He doesn’t seem surprised that I would prefer to skip past all the formalities, because he probably does as well. I guess that’s a rather prominent similarity between the two of us. 

“Of course,” he nods, and I try to recall the last time I’d asked him for anything. “Anything you need.”

In a way, I’m relieved I’m telling Han all of this before Leia. I know she’d freak out and want to throw a huge party and tell the whole world her previously socially inept son is finally getting married. I know the most Han will do is smile and congratulate me. Maybe give me a pat on the shoulder. 

“You know that we’re all going off to Naboo for a few days,” I begin.

“Yeah. Tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah. And I… well, I’m planning on… asking Rey to marry me while we’re there.” 

At first, it takes him a while to respond in any way. But after a moment, just as I predicted, a grin appears on his face. And behind it, he looks almost… proud.

“I knew it was only a matter of time,” he chuckles. “Force, your mother is going to be _thrilled. _”__

__“Don’t tell her yet. I want to wait until she’s actually said yes…”_ _

__“Well of course she’s gonna say yes, Ben. You two have barely been able to go five minutes without grabbing onto each other for three years.”_ _

__“I know, it’s just… I wanted to… I don’t know how…”_ _

__I stop myself to properly think through my words before continuing._ _

__“I’m not sure how I should go about… proposing to her.”_ _

__He looks a bit taken off guard by this statement._ _

__“Well… have you gotten the ring?” he asks, suddenly looking a bit flustered as if he doesn’t believe he’s the right person I should have come to with this._ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__“Do you know where you’re going to ask her?”_ _

__“Um… at the house we’re staying at, I guess. I didn’t really want to do anything public.”_ _

__“Well, what’s the problem? You bring her out in the backyard, I’m sure there will be a nice view and everything, then you get down on one knee and offer her the ring.”_ _

__“I know that part,” I roll my eyes. “But I can’t just… well, I have to do a bit more than that, don’t I? Like… give a whole heartfelt speech and everything."_ _

__“It doesn’t have to be a speech,” he shakes his head. “Look, when I proposed to your mother, I just told her what was goin’ through my head. I told her the reason why I wanted to marry her, why I thought we should stay together, and… why I love her so much.”_ _

__He quickly shakes off the emotional topic, in typical Han fashion._ _

__“Ben, why do you want to marry Rey?”_ _

__I’m about to explain right away, since it seems like an obvious answer to me. But of course, I can’t find the words to express just how deeply I feel about her. I don’t think there even are words to express it._ _

__“I hate not being married to her,” I reply._ _

__“Tell her that. I agree, you two calling each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ is a little insufficient.”_ _

___That’s an understatement. ____ _

____“Ben, tell her what’s in your heart. Tell her how she makes you a better person. I know it all sounds corny and over dramatic, but if it’s what you feel, then it doesn’t matter. And if she doesn’t like it, then she’s not the one, but we both know that’s not the case.”_ _ _ _

____I nod, finally raising my gaze to look him in the eye. I know he’s right, and that what he told me is something I could have probably figured out without him having to tell me. But something about hearing it from him, someone who I once thought hated me for the longest time, is rather… comforting. I can’t help but think this is what getting advice from your father is always supposed to feel like, rather than being stressful._ _ _ _

____Han looks over my shoulder toward the inside of the coffee shop._ _ _ _

____“So what do they have here, just coffee? Cause I haven’t had lunch yet, and I could do for a sandwich.”_ _ _ _

____I grin a bit as I stare down at the table._ _ _ _

____“The menu’s pretty small, but I think they might have a few sandwiches,” I answer him._ _ _ _

____“Great!” he says, clapping his hands together. “Let’s go inside and get something to eat before we start discussing everything.”_ _ _ _

____“Discussing everything?” I ask worriedly as he stands up from the table._ _ _ _

____“You’re getting married, son,” he nods down at me. “You’re going to have a lot of responsibilities. You don’t have to talk about it with me, but you know your mother is going to want to sit you down and go through it.”_ _ _ _

_Fuck. _The last time I got the ‘being a responsible man’ talk was when I turned thirteen and Leia was afraid I was going to go around and get every girl in school pregnant or something.__

________“Is that really necessary?” I protest as Han walks off toward the inside of the shop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“It is to her!” he calls back._ _ _ _ _ _


	36. Chapter 36

Kylo P.O.V.

The night before we leave for Naboo, we have to get to bed extremely early, since our alarm is set for three am. Our flight leaves at seven and it takes a little over an hour to get to the airport, and everyone knows you should be ready to go at least an hour before your plane is supposed to board. 

So we spend most of the day packing everything we need, cleaning out the fridge as best we can (Rey ends up eating a whole tupperware full of pasta, and about five helpings of leftover steak), and finally trying to chill out for the rest of the evening so we’ll be able to get to sleep early. 

We watch Fear, a Mark Wahlberg thriller from the nineties, which is a much better movie than one would think, and we try cuddling up on the couch and falling asleep, but the movie is so good, that we stay wide awake the whole time, even though we’ve seen it a couple times before. Rey tries to assure me that, since we’ve spent all day rushing around packing and eating, we’ll be able to fall asleep easily. 

However, at eight pm when we’re getting into bed and trying our best to fall asleep, Rey can’t help how excited she is, and I can’t help how badly I want to have sex with her. So the both of us end up just laying there, staring at the ceiling, while she keeps smiling, her mind wondering what it’s going to be like and what we’re going to do, while I’m wondering whether or not I should go jerk off in the bathroom just to calm myself down. 

For some reason, every time we get into bed, my body is convinced we’re about to fuck, probably because on most nights, that’s exactly what happens. 

Needless to say, we aren’t able to fall asleep until a couple hours after eight.

 

I’m awake a good half hour before the alarm goes off, which usually happens when I know I have to get up early. It gives me some time to just lay there, watching Rey sleep peacefully beside me.

I shut the alarm off before it can go off and carefully shake her awake at three. She turns over onto her side, her eyes blinking open as she stares up at me sleepily. But once she sees me grinning down at her, she remembers what’s going on and she nearly leaps right out of the bed. 

“Fuck, calm down,” I laugh as she throws her arms around my neck. 

“Let’s go!” she whispers, pulling away from me and tossing the sheets away. 

She runs downstairs and eats her cereal and I have my toast. We get ourselves dressed and get all our things loaded into the Honda. We’re on the road by four. 

It’s a long drive, but there isn’t too much traffic once we pass through the city. Rey gets a call from Poe a few minutes after we’ve gotten on the road to ask us if we’ve left yet. He and Finn had arrived at the house in Naboo late last night. 

“What the hell is he doing up at four am?” I ask in amazement.

“He said he just happened to wake up and wanted to know that we were good to go,” Rey shrugs. _Of course he did. ___

__We get to the airport at around five thirty, and the sun is finally starting to come up. We get all of our stuff and have the people park our car in the parking lot while we get onto the shuttle taking us up to the airport._ _

__Rey wraps herself in the small blanket she brought with her and rests her head against my shoulder while we ride to the airport. I guess the lack of sleep is catching up to her a bit._ _

__We get to the airport, get our boarding passes, send our luggage off, go through the security checks, and finally get into the place with all the cafes and restaurants, so Rey can get the coffee she tells me she’s been craving. Though I have to challenge whether a frappuccino with five pounds of sugar and chocolate and whipped cream on top, can really count as a coffee.  
We sit at the insanely uncomfortable chairs waiting for our flight to board, which takes another hour. Rey is able to wake herself up once she’s finished her coffee (milkshake), and I get myself a tea after a little while just to have something to do. Rey was smart and brought a book to read, but I didn’t even think of doing that. Rey tells me to just watch something on my phone, but I can’t stand wearing headphones._ _

__“Oh, suck it up,” she shakes her head._ _

__“Kiss me.”_ _

__“I’m trying to read!”_ _

__“I’m bored.”_ _

__“That’s your fault.”_ _

__I touch the side of her face and turn her away from her book before crushing my lips against hers._ _

__“Kylo!” she laughs pulling away. “We’re in public.”_ _

__“It’s six in the morning, no one’s awake enough to care.” I pull her close to me again and kiss her, and she thankfully drops her book to her lap._ _

__We end up going over to sit by the window because Rey wants to watch the sun go up, even though we can’t really see it from here. She tells me it’s cool to watch everything get lighter from the huge glass window, even if you can’t see the sun. I indulge her._ _

__Our flight finally starts boarding, and we stand in line for, what feels like another half hour. I can tell Rey is extremely excited, and I realize I’ve never been on a plane with her before, in all the years we’ve been together._ _

__“Have you ever flown before?” I ask as she anxiously peers past the long line of people ahead of us who are beginning to board the plane. “I can’t believe I don’t know this.”_ _

__“The most I’ve ever flown was an hour long flight whenever we have to travel somewhere for work,” she answers. “But never anything like this. What are you supposed to do on a five hour flight anyway?”_ _

__“The have movies and games and shit you can do on the little tvs. Then they give you food…”_ _

__“Those tv things are real?” she asks, her eyes narrowing at me. I have to laugh at how serious her expression suddenly gets._ _

__“Yes,” I answer, unsure if she’s kidding or not. “You didn’t know that?”_ _

__“I thought they only had those in movies! Or first class.”_ _

__“No, us peasants get them too.”_ _

__“Kylo, my mind is blown.”_ _

__“I can see that.”_ _

__We get onto the plane, and Rey of course is amazed at how much room there is, since she’s only ever been on the claustrophobia inducing flights where the entire plane is filled with the noise of the engines the whole duration of the flight._ _

__We thankfully get two seats in the back of our section, hidden away from the rest of the plane. About as satisfying as first class, if you ask me._ _

__I let Rey have the window seat, and of course, she freaks out when she sees there are indeed tvs on the backs of the chairs in front of us that we can entertain ourselves with for hours. There’s even a map you can click on to see where we are and how long it is going to take us to arrive in Naboo._ _

__“Why would anyone pay all that extra money for first class when we have all of this?” Rey asks in amazement as she sinks down in the cushioned seat._ _

__“Good question,” I agree._ _

__When we start taking off, and I see, rather than gripping the seat in fear and shutting her eyes, Rey reacts to a plane taking off much the same as she does to a roller coaster. I myself have never been particularly fond of the feeling of leaving the ground, keeping the very real possibility in mind that we may never touch the ground again, but I’ve never felt sick on an airplane._ _

__Once we’ve taken off, Rey immediately snaps her headphones into the tv and starts watching Taken._ _

__I fumble around with the pair of extra headphones she gives me, and curse the fact that I’m going to have to deal with these things for another couple hours. I don’t see what all the rage with headphones is about, I can never get them to stay in my ears, and when I can, they feel fucking weird. Either way, they pull me out of whatever I’m trying to watch or listen to._ _

__I decide on watching Fast Five, since it’s not the most intelligent film and I won’t have to pay close attention to it._ _

__We all pretty much keep the shutters on the windows closed for the first couple of hours, which is nice for watching a movie, because the whole plane is dark._ _

__The breakfast they end up serving us is a bagel with cream cheese, a cup of trail mix, strawberry yogurt, and milk. Rey eats everything up right away, her eyes staring intently at Liam Neeson killing henchman after henchman in search of his daughter. I let her have the m &ms from my trail mix once I’ve finished. _ _

__My eyes tend to wander toward her most of the time, since I find her vastly more interesting than Paul Walker and Vin Diesel racing cars around. And I think it’s hilarious how involved in a movie she gets, even if she’s seen it a million times._ _

__After our movies are over, we have a little less than three hours to go still, so Rey decides to listen to music while staring out the window and holding my hand._ _

__Poe texts me a few times to ask how everything’s going. I tell him about how excited Rey was to find out about the tvs on the plane, and he replies by telling me he and Finn kept that from her on purpose because they knew how overjoyed she’d be._ _

__After a while of just sitting here, clicking around on my phone, I decide to try playing one of the games they have on the tv. I find one that’s some kind of searching game, where you have to find a bunch of hidden items in a picture. I’m pretty good at that, but then I start getting too confident and begin venturing out into other games once I’ve played that one for about an hour._ _

__I find that weird game, Candy Crush, that everyone always seems to love, but looks stupid as hell to me. I decide to try it anyway, maybe just to have more of a reason to hate it._ _

__But lo and behold, it’s hard as fuck to play._ _

__I lose every single time, and where I can normally figure out a strategy, I can’t find a single loophole with this fucking game._ _

__It actually starts pissing me off after a while that I can easily play adult games, but can’t get past one level on this kiddy shit._ _

__After a while, I look over to see Rey staring at my screen and silently laughing to herself._ _

__“Is this why you stay away from video games?” she asks me._ _

__“Very funny. I’d like to see you try this crap.”_ _

__“I have. I made it to level ten.”_ _

__Once it hits twelve pm, we only have a few minutes until we land, so we start gathering all our things and putting everything away. Rey tries staring out the window to see us touchdown, and to see what it looks like outside. Of course, she can’t see much, which makes her all the more anxious to get off the plane as soon as we can. But, being towards the back, we have to wait a while. Especially when it seems like the group of people sitting in the row directly in front of us weren’t too smart and didn’t have all their things ready to go before the plane landed._ _

__It’s quite a relief for me to finally get off the plane and away from the huge crowd of people. Rey runs ahead in front of me once we get out into the airport and I nearly drop all of my shit trying to keep up with her._ _

__She sprints over to the first window she can find and runs up to it, her nose practically touching the glass as she gazes wide-eyed at… nothing really._ _

__“Rey, it’s just a bunch of planes,” I clarify, following her stare out at the group of airplanes preparing to board or take off._ _

__“Look at the sky,” she says. I look up at the bright blue sky, that does indeed seem clearer than the sky back home, no doubt because we live near a huge city._ _

__“Yeah, it’s nice. But, you’ll be able to see a lot more once we leave the airport.”_ _

__I take her hand and pull her away from the window, out into the busy crowd of people hurrying off in every direction._ _

__I have to keep a strong hold on her hand as I charge us through the heard of people on our way to the baggage claim. She’s so small that I’m afraid if I let go of her, she’ll get yanked back into the mess of people. Then again, knowing her, she’d probably claw her way right out of it all._ _

__We walk through a much less crowded hallway, that is outside, surprisingly, and Rey nearly stops in her tracks to gawk at the array of plants and flowers lining the outside of the airport. There’s even a small fountain at one point._ _

__“Naboo even has better airports than we do,” she marvels. I have to agree, at least this airport has things you can look at. Then again, in Naboo, seeing amazing flowers everywhere wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary._ _

__Rey tries stopping to ride on the moving walkway because she says she’s never ridden one before, but I continue pulling her along, knowing that stupid thing will only slow us down._ _

__“You’re like a kid in a candy store,” I shake my head at her as we rush down a hallway that leads us back inside to the noisy crowd of rushing people._ _

__“I never get to do stuff like this,” she insists. “You’ve been to more airports than I have, so you’re just used to it.”_ _

__“We’re here,” I say in relief, the baggage claim in my sights._ _

__“Finally. Do you see Finn and Poe anywhere?”_ _

__“No, they said they’d be closer to the entrance,” I say, taking her hand again and walking us toward the huge carousel of luggage._ _

__It only takes us a few minutes to find our two suitcases we brought, and soon, we’re off to exit the stresses of the airport, until we’ll meet again with it in five days._ _

__As soon as we step outside into the fresh air, we see Finn and Poe standing by a small dark blue van, which I assume is the rental, waving us over and looking like they couldn’t be more excited to see us._ _

__Rey shoots off toward them, throwing herself into Finn’s arms as she approaches them and I run up behind her, trying to keep up._ _

__“Holy shit, I can’t believe we’re here!” Rey exclaims as she hugs Finn._ _

__“I know!” he answers, matching her tone. “This is literally the epitome of everything we’ve ever looked forward to.”_ _

__“Wait until you guys see the house,” Poe grins, helping put our suitcases into the trunk. “I swear, I’m ready to move in. Fuck the city.”_ _

__“Yeah, no shit,” Rey agrees as she and I get into the back of the van._ _

__“You won’t believe how excited he is about this rental,” Finn tells us as he gets into the passenger’s seat. “You would have thought they gave him a Ferrari.”_ _

__“Hey, even a Ferrari can’t beat this shit,” Poe says as he hops into the driver’s seat and starts the car up._ _

__“You know you’ve gotten pretty old when you hold a van in higher regards than a Ferrari,” I point out._ _

__“I wouldn’t trade a hundred Ferrari’s for this van. Ferrari’s can’t hold nearly as much as this thing can, and you can’t take a Ferrari to all the places we’re going this week.”_ _

__He reaches down to the stereo to turn on some music from his phone that he has plugged in, of course._ _

__Some pop song comes on that has Rey and them cheering in excitement._ _

__“This week is gonna be bitchin’!” Poe cries out victoriously._ _

__I’ve grown used to Rey and Poe singing along to every lyric of every song ever, so it doesn’t bother me anymore. And Rey is too adorable to ever be annoyed with._ _

__

__Rey P.O.V._ _

__I’m in awe as soon as we pull up to the house. Though, to be fair, I’ve been in awe since we got off the plane._ _

__Nothing I’ve heard about Naboo’s immense beauty has been exaggerated in the slightest. It’s been nothing but magnificent scenery, glittering lakes, a sea of emerald green trees, all adorned with large, yet inviting houses._ _

__Ours is right on the ocean of course. Tucked away in a cave of trees and bushes at the front, the glowing yellow house seems like it was made for us, perfectly hidden from the outside._ _

__Once Poe has parked the van in the garage, I’m out of the car in less than a second, running around to the front door, Finn following behind me with the keys._ _

__He quickly unlocks the doors and we both walk in._ _

__The first thing I notice is how open the house is, with the entire back wall basically being made up of sliding glass doors leading out into an adequately sized backyard and a tremendous view of the ocean._ _

__The rest of the house is like any other, but with much more space. The kitchen is about the size of Kylo and mine’s, the glass dining room table is enormous and sits right near the edge of the sliding glass doors, and the living room makes up the rest of the area._ _

__“This is beautiful,” I gawk, looking around the room._ _

__“Oh, no problem!” Poe calls out sarcastically, walking in from the side of the kitchen, through the garage door. “We can carry all your shit, we don’t need any help.”_ _

__“Well, aren’t you a gentlemen,” I reply back, walking over to take my suitcase from him. Kylo looks briefly around the house, following behind Poe._ _

__“Isn’t it gorgeous?” I ask him._ _

__“It’s nice,” he nods. “Where are we sleeping?”_ _

__“Follow me,” Poe directs, walking past us and leading the way toward the staircase._ _

__We climb the stairs that go up and around the house until we reach the second floor, which is carpeted rather than hardwood like the downstairs._ _

__“Here’s our room,” he points to one bedroom on the left side of the wall. “Already christened, so we have dibs.”_ _

__“All yours,” Kylo agrees. We both turn to the other bedroom, but Poe suddenly looks a bit guilty._ _

__“I would say you two are free to have that one, but… Finn and I already kind of christened that one too.”_ _

__“Damn!” I exclaim, more impressed than annoyed._ _

__“What the fuck?” Kylo asks in outrage._ _

__“Yeah, sorry. That one has a balcony too, but no matter. The third bedroom is actually insane, I think you’ll like it much better.”_ _

__“You got a house with three bedrooms?” I ask as he turns and walks down the other side of the hall, where there is indeed another room._ _

__“It was the best house I could find,” Poe defends. “And besides, it looks like it was lucky I did.”_ _

__“Yeah, apparently you’re worse than Kylo at controlling yourself.”_ _

__“Hey, for the record, Finn was the one who initiated everything in that room,” he clarifies, gesturing back to the second bedroom. “There I was, trying to make sure there were towels and clean sheets and everything, and in he comes-”_ _

__“Ok, thank you,” Kylo quickly puts a stop to the sex story._ _

__“Here you are,” Poe leads us into the third bedroom._ _

He’s right, this one is way better than the other one. It’s a lot darker since the balcony is more of a tiny porch and there’s only a couple other windows facing the side of the house, but the room has a small kitchen in the corner. A _kitchen._

______“You guys can make coffee and popcorn, and stuff like that,” Poe explains. “No stove or anything, but you’ve got a microwave, mini fridge, sink, cabinets, so I’d say it’s pretty well designed, at least for a bedroom kitchen.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____I walk further into the bedroom, seeing a couch complete with a small table is sitting by the kitchen._ _ _ _

____“Consider yourselves lucky, because if Finn and I hadn’t of claimed that first room, you know we would’ve taken this one.”_ _ _ _

____“This is… I don’t even know what to say,” I manage out._ _ _ _

____“And it’s nice that we’re down the hall from each other instead of right next to each other,” Poe points out. “Like we are at your guy’s house, so we don’t have to… hear each other.”_ _ _ _

____“Agreed,” Kylo nods. “Though, from the looks of it, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get her out of this room.”_ _ _ _

____“I doubt it,” I agree._ _ _ _

____“Bathroom’s in there,” Poe gestures to the door near the one we came in from. “That next to the bedside table is a closet. I suggest you guys unpack all your clothes and stuff and just put ‘em in the drawers, then just leave your suitcases in the spare bedroom. That way your suitcases don’t have to take up all the room in here.”_ _ _ _

____“Good idea,” Kylo concurs._ _ _ _

____“I’ll leave you guys to it, then.”_ _ _ _

____Once Poe has left, cleverly shutting the door behind him, I go to begin unpacking, but Kylo grabs me around the rest and pulls me onto the bed._ _ _ _

____“Kylo!” I shout as he wrestles me underneath him while I try flailing out of his grasp. “We have to unpack!”_ _ _ _

____“You heard what Poe said,” he reminds me grinning mischievously. “We have to christen the room.”_ _ _ _

“Yes, _later! _” I tell him as he pulls my arms up and kisses along my face. “When everyone’s gone to bed. Finn and Poe were here alone, so they could do whatever they wanted.”__

________“I don’t think we’ll be bothered,” he whispers, and I laugh as I quickly roll out from under him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Later,” I promise him. “Right now, I need to unpack and then eat some lunch, because I am starving._ _ _ _ _ _

______He gives me an exasperated look, but I ignore him and proceed to unpack my things. After a while, he stubbornly follows suit._ _ _ _ _ _

______After we’ve finished settling in, Poe drives us over to a cafe down the street where we have lunch. I had no idea how hungry and thirsty I was, because I go through over five refills of water and am able to down an entire club sandwich in just a few minutes._ _ _ _ _ _

______We hang out at the house the rest of the afternoon, sitting out in the backyard on a couple of lawn chairs and staring out at the ocean._ _ _ _ _ _

______There’s a hammock in the corner of the yard and Poe tells us he found a volleyball net and a tetherball pole in the garage._ _ _ _ _ _

______Poe grills a steak for dinner and we all eat outside where we’ve been sitting, amazed by the view and sounds of the ocean that is literally a few feet away from us. The yard does drop off into a valley of very sharp looking rocks, and there really isn’t a fence stopping anyone from simply walking right off the edge, so we decide it would be best to stay indoors if any of us decide to get drunk._ _ _ _ _ _

______We all settle in for a movie once it gets dark. There’s only a small couch and two sofa chairs on opposite sides, so we have to take turns on the couch. Tonight, we let Finn and Poe have it while Kylo and I sit on the chairs. However, about twenty minutes into us watching Happy Death Day, Kylo has wandered over to where I’m sitting and I decide to just lay on his lap while we watch the movie._ _ _ _ _ _

______Leaning up against Kylo’s warm chest as I curl myself into a ball, I start to feel the events of today beginning to catch up to me as I remember I’ve been awake since three in the morning, and it’s now eleven pm._ _ _ _ _ _

______I can’t even remember getting to the middle of the film before I’m asleep._ _ _ _ _ _

______Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _

______I knew Rey wouldn’t last the entire movie, and sure enough, she’s asleep before it’s even an hour in. I actually start to feel myself dozing off as well, and once the movie is over, I feel an enormous wave of relief that we get to go to bed now._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You two look half dead,” Finn says quietly as Poe shuts off the tv._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re not far off,” I confirm. Finn stands up and heads back toward the kitchen, turning a light on so we can all see. “Are you two going to bed?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’ll probably stay down a little longer,” Poe says. “You two however, should go up now so you’re wide awake for tomorrow.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I know there’s no point in trying to wake Rey up now, she’s as good as knocked out cold. So I carefully hook my arms under her body and lift her up as I stand up from the chair._ _ _ _ _ _

______“See you tomorrow,” Poe waves us off. I nod back at him as I head up the stairs, holding Rey carefully in my arms and making sure I don’t smack her head on the wall._ _ _ _ _ _

______We get upstairs into the bedroom and I begin pulling her out of her jean dress, then somehow manage to get her into her shorts and tank top she wears to bed. I’m able to do all of this without her so much as stirring in her sleep._ _ _ _ _ _

______I pull back the covers and lay her down in the bed, my eyes already drooping closed as my hands brush against the soft sheets. Nothing compared to our bed back home of course, but a bed nonetheless._ _ _ _ _ _

______I pull her close to me as I lay beside her, hugging her against me while I yank the covers up over us. I’m asleep before I can even consider the fact that we were supposed to have sex tonight._ _ _ _ _ _


	37. Chapter 37

Rey P.O.V.

We wake up around nine the next morning, and it takes me a while before I realize I don’t even remember putting on my pajamas, let alone getting into bed last night. 

“Did you put me to bed?” is the first thing I ask when I turn to face Kylo. 

“I did,” he replies. “You were unconscious.” 

“I assumed.” 

I yank myself out of bed, wanting to get downstairs and eat breakfast as soon as possible. 

Once we get down into the kitchen, we see Finn and Poe are already wide awake. 

“Well, there you two are,” Poe greets us. “Rough night? Or morning?”

“Very funny,” I roll my eyes at him. “What’s the plan today?”

“The plan is, we eat breakfast out on the porch, looking at that breathtaking view,” Finn tells us. “And then, we’re off to Theed Beach.” 

“Only the most popular beach in Naboo,” Poe adds. 

“Fantastic,” Kylo acknowledges with sarcasm, no doubt dreading the vast amount of people who will surely be there. 

“It’ll be fun,” I promise him, kissing him briefly on the cheek before heading for the fridge to grab some milk. 

After we’ve had breakfast, we all head upstairs to prepare for our beach day. I get out my new bathing suit, a two piece orange and turquoise one with flowers printed on it. Kylo especially appreciated how revealing it is. 

I throw on some shorts and a sweater, grab a towel and my sunglasses, lather myself with sunblock, and then we’re off. 

Theed Beach is indeed incredibly crowded. It looks like any other beach, but when we step out onto the sand, right away we see a difference. 

“It’s cold!” Poe and I shout triumphantly at the same time before high-fiving. Hot sand is a rather big pet peeve for us. But this sand is so cool, it practically feels silky between my toes. 

We decide to set up our things away from the actual beach and back in the grass near the parking lot. We find a tree for some shade and lay out our huge beach blanket Finn and I had found at Kmart for ten dollars. It’s surprisingly high quality. 

I lay myself out on the blanket, closing my eyes behind my sunglasses and putting my hands behind my head. 

“Sunbathe later, Rey,” Poe shouts, jumping up off the blanket. “Let’s get in the water first, it’s warmer here than back where we usually go!”

“You guys go ahead!” I call back to him. “Tell me how it is.” 

I feel someone’s hands grab me and pull me up from the blanket to my feet, as if I weighed less than a paper doll. 

“Ha, see? Even Kylo’s making you come with us!” 

“Let’s go,” Kylo grins at me, his hands lowering down my body to grab my hands. I roll my eyes, but smile. 

“Ok, fine,” I relent. “But I can't- _ah! _”__

__Kylo suddenly yanks me off my feet, his arms holding me firmly around the waist as he takes off toward the water._ _

__“Let’s go!” Poe screams as he and Finn race each other across the sand, all of us somehow dodging past the crowd of other beach-goers._ _

__Kylo splashes into the water, and I feel the refreshing drops sprinkle onto my legs._ _

__He sets me down in the water, and I look around to see we’ve found a place relatively free of people._ _

__“It gets pretty deep, Rey,” Finn tells me, sticking close to Kylo and I, even though Poe is already twenty feet out._ _

__“I know,” I nod. “It’s fine over here, there aren’t too many waves.”_ _

__He looks at me unsurely and I gesture for him to swim off._ _

__“Go, enjoy yourself,” I tell him. “I’ll be fine.”_ _

__He nods after a moment before leaping into the water and swimming after Poe, catching up to him and wrapping his arms around him, kissing him so hard, they both fall back into the water._ _

__“What was that about?” Kylo asks, now looking concerned as well._ _

__I guess Kylo wouldn’t know that I’m a weak swimmer, since whenever we’ve gone to the beach, the water’s always too cold to go in much past your knees._ _

__“I never really learned how to swim too well,” I tell him. “I nearly drowned the first time I tried swimming in the ocean, so I have to be careful. But this all seems pretty calm, so I should be good.”_ _

__“I didn’t know that,” he says, now sounding worried as well._ _

__“It’s not as if I can’t swim at all. Finn taught me. Still, I suck at treading water or keeping myself above water.”_ _

__He nods, as if considering all of this deeply._ _

__“Ok,” he says after a moment, before taking my hand and leading me farther into the water. Once we get in deep enough, he takes my wrists and pulls my arms over his shoulders. “I guess you’re going to have to hold onto me.”_ _

__“This is very unnecessary!” I tell him as he swims forward with me scrambling to keep ahold of him. He swims further and further out, way past my comfort zone._ _

__“How are you able to do that?” I ask in wonder as he expertly keeps himself from sinking below the surface._ _

__“It’s easy. You keep kicking and paddling the water, but you keep yourself straight up so you stay in one place.”_ _

__“But you don’t get worn out? Like, after doing it for a couple seconds?” I ask, recalling my first attempt at treading water in the public pool where Finn was trying to teach me one summer._ _

__“No, it’s easy,” he replies, moving us out of the way from a group of kids splashing through the water. “The hard part is staying out of everyone’s way.”_ _

__“How far do you think the bottom is?” I ask, staring down though the water, picturing a black abyss beneath us, leading nowhere._ _

__I hold onto him tighter._ _

__“I don’t know, maybe fifteen feet? Why?”_ _

__I can tell he’s grinning._ _

__“Are you scared?” he asks._ _

__“No. I was just curious.”_ _

__“Uh huh.”_ _

__“Ok, I’m only slightly terrified.”_ _

__“Well, you have nothing to be afraid of. Just keep holding onto me.”_ _

__I grin to myself, wrapping my legs around his waist and pressing myself harder against his back._ _

__“Sure thing,” I tell him. “I’ll never let go of you.”_ _

__“Good, cause we’re goin’ out, so hold on tight.”_ _

__We swim around for a while, and I’m eventually confident enough to start swimming on my own, though Kylo sticks close by. And by close by, I mean, he holds onto me the entire time I’m attempting to swim. But I don’t mind._ _

__Finn and Poe play this crazy game where they try dunking each other underwater, a concept I’ve never understood, maybe because I’m terrified of being underwater. But then Kylo starts helping me to hold my breath underwater without freaking out, which turns out to be helpful, despite me being absolutely against it at first._ _

__We get out of the water after about an hour and go back to our blanket back near the parking lot. I lay out on my towel and let myself dry off while the boys talk about what we should get to eat._ _

__“There’s a bar and grill right across the street over there,” Finn says, pointing across the parking lot._ _

__“Will they serve us even though we don’t have shirts on?” Poe questions._ _

__“We’d better put something on just in case,” Kylo says._ _

__“Kylo doesn’t have to put a shirt on, he’s swole enough to be served by anyone,” Poe points out._ _

__“That is very true,” I consent, looking over to where Kylo’s sitting beside me and seeing him blush a little._ _

__I push myself up from where I was lying and throw my arms around my boyfriend, kissing him firmly on the lips._ _

__“You’re a beautiful man,” I tell him, leaning my forehead against his._ _

__“She’s right,” Poe nods._ _

__“No I’m not,” Kylo answers._ _

__“Come on, I want some fire grilled salmon!” Finn shouts, leaping up from the blanket._ _

__“That’s insanely specific,” I tell him as Kylo stands up and pulls me up along with him._ _

__“I’m insanely hungry,” he counters._ _

__We end up stopping at the car to grab the guys some shirts before we head to the grill. It’s actually a pretty cool place. I’ve never really been to beachy restaurants, so once again, it’s a first time experience for me._ _

__Finn gets his fire grilled salmon, and I get a fried chicken sandwich._ _

__After we eat, we hang out a little while longer before going back to the beach for another hour. We head back to the house around two thirty so we have time to shower and hang out before getting dinner ready._ _

__Finn and Poe head into their bedroom to shower while Kylo and go to ours. I close the shutters to the one window in the bathroom, even though no one will be able to see through it. It just feels wrong to leave it open._ _

__The shower is way smaller than any I’ve seen before, so when Kylo and I are both inside, there’s barely any room to move around._ _

__“Aw, shit,” Kylo curses after he’s turned the water on._ _

__“What?” I ask, just managing to squeeze the door shut after I’ve stepped into the shower behind him._ _

__“This is the thinnest stream of water I’ve ever seen,” he says, the trickle of water splashing comically off his head, barely even making his thick hair wet._ _

__I laugh, though internally, I’m quite upset. There’s nothing more annoying than thin as fuck shower water._ _

“Oh, Kylo, let me under the water,” I say, shivering as I hold my arms around myself. He tries scooting along the edge of the shower so I can get under the warm shower water. “ _Fuck! _” I swear as I step under the drizzle that does nothing to warm me.__

_____ _

____

____

__

__“Let’s just hurry up so we can get out of here,” he says, grabbing the shampoo. “How do you get this shit open?”_ _

__“Hold on,” I say, grabbing the travel sized conditioner I’d bought a few days ago. I grab onto the cap and try pulling it up so that it will pop up and I can push it down to get the soap to squirt out. But it feels stuck, and the fact that my hands are wet doesn’t help._ _

__“What are you doing?” Kylo asks, easily popping the shampoo open while I wrestle with the conditioner._ _

__“It’s stuck,” I grunt. I gasp as the bottle goes flying out of my hands, toppling to the ground._ _

__Kylo just manages to get his foot out of the way before the bottle slams against the floor of the shower._ _

__“Need some help?” he asks, looking up at me carefully._ _

__It takes us way too long before we’re able to completely wash our hair under that little spray of water._ _

__I put on a pair of shirts and a loose fitting black floral print shirt. I don’t bother putting a bra on, which Kylo seems to appreciate._ _

__We go downstairs and play tetherball out in the backyard for a while. Well, Finn, Poe, and I do while Kylo sits and watches. Instead of doing teams, it’s pretty much every man for himself, so we’re all clawing the hell out of each other trying to get that damn ball all the way around the pole._ _

__Things only escalate once we all start drinking._ _

__I’m surprised the tetherball doesn’t snap off the rope from how hard we start hitting it after we’ve downed a few cocktails Poe makes for us. Even Kylo has one, as well as a couple beers._ _

__Poe plugs his phone into the stereo and his playlist starts blasting through the speakers, which is enough to get Poe and I to act drunk even if we haven’t had anything. And Poe’s the kind of person who will have Katy Perry followed by Disturbed, then Queen, Sheena Easton, then something from High School Musical._ _

__“Your playlist is about as hormonal as a fucking teenager,” Kylo says drunkenly, plopping down on one of the chairs on the porch._ _

__“You’re no fun!” Poe shouts, cocktail in hand._ _

__“Dance with me my darling!” I yell, trying to grab Kylo up out of the chair. He stands up and twirls me around as I laugh giddily._ _

__I look over his shoulder worriedly when I see Poe climbing up on top of the table._ _

__“Poe, what the fuck?” Finn shouts from where he’s still standing at the tetherball pole._ _

__“I may be slightly drunk,” Poe says, balancing himself on the table and beginning to do some kind of sexy stripper dance to Rihanna’s S &M. _ _

__“You better not start taking off your clothes,” Kylo says warningly. “Rey, we’re fucking leaving if he starts stripping, I swear-”_ _

__“I’m not stripping, you’re so full of it!” Poe shouts. “Hey, catch me- shit!”_ _

__He suddenly slips trying to step down from the table, tumbling right into Kylo, who only just manages to catch him._ _

__“Poe, you idiot!” Finn shouts, running over tos us._ _

__“I think we should all go inside,” I say, turning around and reaching to open the glass door, but realizing we left it open. “Oh fuck, you guys, I just tried to open a door that isn't there.”_ _

__“Well it’s dark, how were you supposed to know?” Poe asks while Finn laughs hysterically._ _

__“At least you didn’t run into it while it was closed,” Kylo offers._ _

__“What’s for dinner?” I ask, jumping around the counter excitedly._ _

__“Ah, fucking noodles or some shit,” Kylo answers, staring down at all the supplies Finn starts taking out._ _

__“Kylo, you’re helping me make this shit,” he says. “Rey and Poe can’t be trusted around cooking supplies right now._ _

__“Come with me, my dear,” Poe says, taking my hand and leading me away from the kitchen and out to the living room. “May I have this dance?”_ _

__“But of course,” I reply._ _

__It’s a Nickelback song, so it’s more of us just jumping around and singing along rather than dancing, but we could care less._ _

__

__After we eat some dinner, balancing out the alcohol in our systems, we’re slightly more calm. But we continue to act like buffoons._ _

__We play Uno, Sorry, Monopoly, and Trouble. By the time we get to Trouble, Kylo somehow gets so excited when he’s only a few steps from winning that he nearly shatters the bubble when he smashes it to roll the dice._ _

__I don’t even realize it’s past one am until we all get up to stretch our legs after four straight hours of playing games. I still feel wide awake, which is a vast difference from last night._ _

__“Ok, enough beating around the bush,” Kylo says, walking up behind me._ _

__“What?” I ask innocently._ _

__“You’ve avoided me long enough.”_ _

__Before I can respond, he picks me up and throws me over his shoulder._ _

__“Oh, shit!” Poe laughs as I shriek and kick my legs about while Kylo carries me toward the stairs._ _

__“Anyone going to do anything?” I call back to them as Kylo continues taking me up the stairs._ _

__“Sorry, you’re on your own!” Poe answers._ _

__“Good night!” Kylo calls back, making me laugh harder._ _

__“See you in the morning,” Finn replies._ _

__Kylo throws me down onto the bed once we get into our room._ _

__“Am I in trouble?” I ask, grinning up at him as he rips his shirt off and does the same with mine._ _

__“Yes,” he nods, undoing my jeans and yanking them off my legs. He collapses on top of me, his lips devouring my chest as I brush my fingers through his hair._ _

__“I want to stay on vacation forever,” I moan as his face continues kissing down my stomach until his lips arrive between my legs._ _

__“Are you tired?”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Good. Cause you aren’t getting much sleep tonight.”_ _


	38. Chapter 38

Kylo P.O.V.

Rey and I wake up practically tangled in one another and I can’t fathom how either of us were able to get a good night sleep in the positions we ended up in. 

When we go out on the porch downstairs to have coffee and breakfast, Rey plops herself down on one of the lawn chairs sitting off to the side and I sit right down next to her. She slumps onto my shoulder, still looking half asleep.

“Well you two seem to have had a long night,” Poe comments as he and Finn watch us from where they sit at the table. 

“How are you two never tired?” Rey asks sleepily, her eyes still closed against the soft glow of the morning sun. 

“We have adrenaline in our blood,” Finn answers positively. 

“You guys aren’t even hungover?” she asks in disbelief. 

“Fuck, I’ve gotten more hammered than that,” Poe shrugs. “That was nothing, you just have an insanely small body, so alcohol effects you more.”

Rey groans, her head falling back down to my shoulder as I pat her comfortingly on the back. 

“Hey, it’s a good thing we’re going to a more relaxed beach today,” Poe says, finishing his coffee. “You guys can sleep the whole time and not be bothered.”

Indeed, the beach we end up going is, in my opinion, way better than the first one. The water is much more calm, there are barely any people, and the treeline is incredibly near the beach, so we can sit up there without hearing too much noise from anyone else on the beach. 

Rey wears a lovely blue and purple bikini today. The top doesn’t show as much of her chest as the one she wore yesterday did, which is a shame, but she still looks gorgeous. 

I walk up behind her and gently put my hands around her waist, kissing the side of her neck. 

“You look beautiful,” I whisper, brushing my hands down her stomach. She presses herself against me as a shiver runs through her.

“If you’re even _thinking _about picking me and throwing me into the water…”__

__“Why would I do that?” I ask, innocently._ _

__“Let’s go!” Finn shouts, running after Poe toward the shore. But once they step out onto the sand, they both collapse to the ground._ _

__“Holy fuck!” Poe shouts in agony._ _

__“What?” Rey asks, stepping away from me and walking toward them._ _

__“Watch the pebbles!” Finn warns, tentatively standing up and trying to walk the rest of the way into the water while barely touching his feet to the ground._ _

__Rey steps out into the small pebbles, which we all previously thought to be sand, and has pretty much the same reaction as the two of them did._ _

__“Shit!” she screams, her body going rigid as she tries stepping across the rocks. “Why would nature do this?!”_ _

I follow them over, experimentally placing my foot down into the pebbles. They’re a little uncomfortable, but from the way the three of them reacted, you’d think they were stepping on glass. _Sissies._

______I sweep Rey up off her feet and carry her the rest of the way into the water, where I set her down into the chilly ocean._ _ _ _ _ _

____“Oh, it’s cold!” she shrieks, practically leaping back up into my arms._ _ _ _

____“It’s not too bad once you get in,” Poe says, already swimming circles around the water._ _ _ _

____“Come on,” I say, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her out with me. “This doesn’t look like it gets too deep._ _ _ _

____“Hell no, it’s only like seven feet,” Finn confirms._ _ _ _

____I get Rey out until she’s up to her neck and she’s gripping onto my shoulder so she doesn't go underwater._ _ _ _

____“Ready?” I ask her, turning to grip her around her middle. She nods before sucking in a breath and shutting her eyes tightly, making the cute scrunched up face she makes before going underwater, looking more like she’s about to cross through a war zone._ _ _ _

____I raise her up slightly before pulling the two of us underwater for only a couple seconds before coming back up._ _ _ _

____She gasps as we resurface, her body getting used to the cold._ _ _ _

____“Oh, you’re right,” she says calmly to Poe after a second, the horrified expression soon leaving her face._ _ _ _

____We laugh as I roll my eyes at her and she scoots away from me, swimming through the calm water. There’s barely even a current, so she looks a lot more comfortable._ _ _ _

____We spend a lot longer in the water this time because none of us want to get out. I realize we have to have been in here for over an hour, but I think I’m the only who notices._ _ _ _

____Finn figures out how to do this weird trick where you do a handstand underwater, so everyone tries doing that, and eventually, Poe is able to do a flip underwater, so Rey and Finn quickly try to learn how to do that, and soon, that’s all they want to do. It takes Rey a while to be convinced to try it, since she’s pretty freaked out being underwater. I guess it’s a good thing we went on this trip, because I didn’t know any of this about her. It makes me wonder what else I don’t know._ _ _ _

____I’m nervous at first about Rey trying it, because I’m afraid she might get all twisted around underwater and not be able to come up, but she seems fine._ _ _ _

____Everyone tries getting me to do a flip too, but I figure that, because I’m so tall, I might smash my head at the bottom if I dive in too deeply. And if there happens to be a rock down there, that wouldn’t be good. I don’t think another trip to the emergency room is what we need this week._ _ _ _

____Everyone starts to get hungry after a while, so they all go back up to our spot up by the treeline to eat the sandwiches we packed. I’m not that hungry, so I decide to stay in a while longer. I haven’t swam in years, and it feels good to get back at it again, since I remember I always liked it when I was younger._ _ _ _

____I swim around for a few minutes, going underwater a few times just because it feels nice._ _ _ _

____But the next time I come up, I’m standing in front of an extremely tall blonde woman who seems to have come out of nowhere._ _ _ _

____I stare at her oddly as she smiles at me, and I can’t help but look her over briefly. Her hot pink bikini doesn’t really leave anything up to the imagination, and I can tell her bright blonde hair isn’t natural because of the dark roots along the top of her head._ _ _ _

____“What are you doing here all by yourself?” she asks, cocking her head slightly and speaking to me as if I were some lost puppy she’d found._ _ _ _

____“I’m not by myself,” I answer, rising up out of the water so that I’m level with her, but I realize maybe that didn’t work quite to my advantage, because I see her eyes excitedly start to sweep down my bare chest._ _ _ _

____“You’re a really good swimmer,” she says, brushing her hand through her thin blonde hair that blows slightly in the breeze. “Do you come here a lot?”_ _ _ _

____“No, I don’t live around here,” I answer, my eyes glancing behind her where another woman is walking up, giving me a friendly smile._ _ _ _

____This one is a little shorter than the blonde, with shiny brown hair and slightly tanned skin. The bathing suit she’s wearing is about as revealing as the blonde’s._ _ _ _

“I can tell,” she says, stepping a bit closer to me than the blonde. “We come here all the time, we’ve definitely never seen _you _here before.”__

_Um…_

__________“Right,” I nod, moving away from them a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You look really strong,” the blonde says, her eyes moving to look up and down my arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Um, thanks…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you workout?” the brunette asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uh, yeah, a little-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You should totally come and hang out with us and our other friends,” the blonde says excitedly, following her friend’s lead and moving closer to me. “It would be _so _much fun-”__

____________“Hey!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I look over to see Rey walking right up to me, her fleet splashing through the water. She keeps her eyes locked on me as she wraps her arms around my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We have your lunch waiting for you,” she says, smiling up at me and completely ignoring the two women standing less than two feet from me. She waits for me to respond and I quickly nod, catching on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Right, I’m sorry,” I say, grinning down at her. “I’ll be right there.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She cups her hand firmly around the back of my neck and pulls me down toward her, her lips possessively pressing against mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She pulls away and I gaze down at her, feeling like there can’t be a single other luckiest man on the planet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She grips my hand in hers and leads me back toward the shore, and I glance quickly back at the two girls._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Nice meeting you ladies,” I say politely. They nod, watching with wide eyes as Rey drags me off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thanks for that,” I whisper as we walk back up to the treeline. She doesn’t even flinch when we walk through the pebbles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I leave you for five minutes, and the sharks start swarming,” she sighs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Now you know how I feel,” I tell her as we walk up to our spot under the trees. “Usually this situation is reversed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I see you’ve survived,” Poe congratulates me as I sit in the chair beside Rey, who hands my my turkey and cheese sandwich I'd packed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Is that the first time that’s ever happened, you looked like you didn’t know what to do,” Finn comments as I open my sandwich, realizing now how hungry I am._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That hasn’t happened to me in years,” I admit before taking a huge bite out of the sandwich._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Well, you handled it well,” Poe nods, watching as the two girls walk off to their spot that happens to be only a little ways down from us.  
I guess that’s how they had such a good view of me. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to drag Finn out of an awkward situation like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m still confused on what I’m supposed to do,” Finn says, shaking his head in thought. “I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want to go along with the flirting. So when are you supposed to bring it up that you’re taken?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I say, right off the bat,” Poe says. “No bullshit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I just go along with it until things get weird,” Rey says. “I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and think to myself, they’re just talking to me because they’re bored or they’re just friendly. But then, sure enough, they’ll say something weird and I’ll have to bring up that I have a boyfriend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yikes,” Poe cringes. “Then what happens?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They either apologize and awkwardly walk away, or they get pissed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Who gets pissed?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“A bunch of idiots. It’s ok Kylo, I can handle it,” she says, looking at me pointedly when she sees my angered expression._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why are people getting pissed at you if you have a boyfriend?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Cause guys are assholes,” Finn sighs. “Rey knows how to deal with them though. One time in high school, some guy in our math class called her tease and she damn near dropped him on his ass. He never even looked at her again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m not surprised,” I grin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You should have seen her just now,” Poe laughs. “She tried staying and waiting for you to come over, and then we started joking with her that you were gonna take off with those two and she shot right up out of that chair and marched over.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah, I thought I was gonna get in trouble,” I grin, glancing over at Rey who’s blushing slightly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You still might be,” Poe warns. “Be prepared. Finn always holds a grudge when I start getting flirty with people. But he waits to take out his anger until we get into the bedroom.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey busts out laughing, and to my surprise, I start chuckling a bit as well, secretly hoping that Rey will still be in a jealous mood tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________We get back to the house around three, shower in our ridiculously small shower, and then hang out for a while before Finn and Poe tell us they’re headed off to some dessert store they heard was amazing down a couple blocks from the house._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo and I decide to let them go on their own so that they can have some private time, but also so we can have some to ourselves as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I tackle him down onto the couch, kissing him madly, my hands running all over his body. His hands begin running up my legs, going to the hem of my shorts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No,” I say sharply, grabbing his hands and pinning them down beside him. He stares at me with narrowed eyes and I feel him becoming aroused._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I grin smugly as my hands trail around his waist until I arrive between his legs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He exhales sharply as I rub him between his thighs, my hands scrambling to undo his jeans. He leans back as I pull his jeans down enough to free his hardened member._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stroke my hand down his length as he closes his eyes, moaning as I scoot myself down until my lips are near his dick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Did you like those girls at the beach?” I ask, my mouth hovering teasingly over him as he grunts in dismay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No,” he says, his teeth gritted in pain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you sure?” I ask slowly, my lips brushing against his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Fuck, _yes! _” he insists, his hips pushing forward. I laugh to myself and gently kiss the head of his cock before slowly taking him in my mouth.__

______________His hands go to caress up my back as I slowly move up and down his length, my tongue massaging around him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I love you, Rey,” he moans, his nails dragging down my back. “There’s only you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I hum in agreement as I suck gently down his shaft and he pushes his hips up into my face, pushing himself further down my throat, so much that I have to pull back a little so I don’t choke myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I feel him twitch in my mouth as his breathing quickens. I get ready to pull away from him, since I’ve never let him ejaculate in my mouth before. I kind of want to, but I’m a little afraid to be honest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The front door slams open and voices suddenly fill the air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hey, we forgot the store isn’t-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Fuck! _” Kylo curses as my teeth scrape a little too hard against him as I yank my mouth away from him and quickly try to yank his jeans back up.__

________________“Oh, shit!” Poe exclaims, turning away and trying to get Finn to do the same._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What the hell are you guys doing?!” I ask in outrage as Kylo sits himself up and we both scramble to put him back into his pants._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Guys, I am so sorry,” Poe says, beginning to laugh hysterically._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Kylo growls as he scoots into his pants, rather uncomfortably since he’s still quite hard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What the fuck are you guys doing back, it’s been five minutes!” I exclaim as Kylo and I stand up from the couch and he rushes upstairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“The store closes at two,” Finn says as he and Poe turns back around once it’s safe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Stop laughing!” I demand, even though a part of me wants to laugh to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey,” Poe whispers before I can turn and follow Kylo up the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Did we really just walk in on you sucking him off?” he asks, still laughing in disbelief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Oh, shut up!” I yell, whipping around and heading upstairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey, I swear I didn’t see anything that ruins my image of you!” Finn calls over to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I did!” Poe laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Screw you both!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	39. Chapter 39

Rey P.O.V.

The next day, we pack up a huge cooler of food and drinks, get dressed in hiking clothes and tennis shoes, then Poe drives us about an hour and a half away from the town we’re staying in to go to this huge mountain that apparently has some of the most beautiful sights in Naboo. 

“This is gorgeous,” I say in amazement as we drive along the road leading up and around the mountain. It’s almost completely dark since it’s early in the morning and the thick trees block out most of the sunlight. 

“We need to find a good spot,” Poe mutters, looking around the parking lot with his expert vision. Of course, he’s able to get us a great spot, pulling into a place right as someone else pulls out. There’s another person who was waiting for the spot, and we can tell they’re pissed once Poe snags it. 

“Haha!” he laughs triumphantly. 

“Force, you sound like my father,” Kylo says as we all start to get out of the van. 

“So how long is this hike?” I ask as I hope out into the gravel, water bottle in hand. 

“Three miles, the one we’re going on,” Finn answers. I grab his hand and we take off running down the trail. 

“Let’s go!” I shout, the two of us leaping down the dirt trail into the trees. 

“Wait!” Kylo shouts after us. 

“Who sounds like a father now?” Finn calls back.

We go down the trail for a while, following other small groups of people until we reach the first view. 

The first part is a bunch of gorgeous canyons that look like they were photographed for a nature magazine. 

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” I say quietly, feeling like I shouldn’t talk too loud or else it would disturb the scenery. 

“Even more beautiful than me?” Kylo asks, walking up behind me and circling his arms around my chest. 

“Oh, my love,” I laugh, taking his hands in mine. “There’s no comparison to you. But, you can’t deny that it feels like we’re looking at a National Geographic picture.” 

“Yeah, it is pretty nice,” he agrees. 

“How is it so quiet? It’s a canyon, shouldn’t every sound echo?”

“I’m not sure,” he answers. “Maybe because we’re all trying really hard to be quiet.” 

“Stop talking,” Finn whispers. I stick my tongue out at him. 

“How old are you two?” Kylo asks, his voice returning to normal volume. We all shush him. 

“Kylo, your voice is too deep to talk loudly here,” Poe whispers. 

“He’s right, your octave is too deep, it echoes off the canyon,” I tell him. 

“Wow, you guys are clever,” Kylo says sarcastically as we all giggle to ourselves. 

We walk further along the trail until we come across the next stop, which is looking down at a gorgeous body of water that’s a striking shade of blue. 

“How far down is that?” Finn asks, staring down tentatively down the cliff. 

“Fuck, don’t get too close,” Poe says nervously. 

“At least a hundred feet,” Kylo nods. “So keep your distance.”

“What about those people down there?” I ask in alarm, pointing down the cliff to where three people look to be hiking up right along one of the ridges on the cliff. 

“They’re on their own,” Kylo replies. 

After we finish the hike, seeing one breathtaking view after another, we go back down to a huge grass field near the parking lot where there are a few picnic benches to eat lunch at. 

Thankfully, even though it’s getting to be the afternoon, the trees still keep out most of the sun and there’s still a subtle mist around the field. 

“So, tonight we’re having hamburgers,” Poe explains. “We’ll just chill at the house for the rest of the night, watch a movie or something. Then, tomorrow, on our last day, we’ll just hang out most of the day, and then we’re going to a party.”

“What kind of party?” I ask. 

“A traditional Naboo celebration,” Finn answers. “They’re having it down at this really fancy hotel only a little ways away from where we’re staying. It’s this whole outside buffet and then they have these dancers who come out and perform all these traditional dances and stuff. It’s supposed to be really cool.” 

“That sounds amazing,” I say. 

“Did you bring clothes for it?” Poe asks me.

“I actually have something that would work perfectly,” I reply, thinking of the black and pink summer dress I’d brought along.

“We’re gonna have to dress it up a little, because everyone around us is going to be wearing some crazy shit,” Poe says. 

“I doubt that, it’s probably going to be a bunch of tourists,” Kylo says doubtfully. 

“True, we have to stand out from the crowd,” I point out. 

“My point exactly,” Poe nods in satisfaction.

Kylo P.O.V.

After we’ve finished lunch, we start packing up all of our stuff and heading back to the car. Rey and Finn are still running around by the picnic bench, doing who knows what, when Poe suddenly pulls me aside after I’ve put the cooler back into the trunk of the van.

“So are you gonna do it?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at me eagerly. 

“Do it?” I repeat.

“ _Propose _,” he clarifies, his voice lowering, as if Rey would be able to hear us. “You’re doing it while we’re here, right?”__

__“Yeah, that was the plan,” I reply, reaching up to close the trunk._ _

__“You should do it at the party tomorrow night. It’s going to be romantic as fuck, we’ll be there until it’s dark and then they’ll light all the torches and everything…”_ _

__“I wanted to do it privately. I was thinking once we get back to the house, I’ll take her out to the backyard and… do everything there.”_ _

__“Oh, shit, that’s a good idea,” he nods excitedly. “Kylo, she is going to be ecstatic, I’m telling you.”_ _

__“I don’t know,” I shake my head._ _

__Confiding in Poe isn’t something I’m particularly fond of doing, but seeing as there’s no one else to vent to, and tomorrow night seems like it’s getting closer and closer without me being able to prepare at all, I guess I don’t have too many other options._ _

__“I’m… I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” I confess. “It seems like I had so much time to prepare, and now I have no time at all…”_ _

__“Kylo,” he says sternly. “There is nothing to worry about. This is Rey. The woman you love. You said she already told you she’d be fine with getting married.”_ _

“That was a while ago,” I remind him. _Before I lost my shit and nearly destroyed our relationship._

______“If she didn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t be with you,” he reminds me. “One thing she always told me is that she never had a relationship because she always thought it would never go anywhere. Then once she found someone she loved, she would want to stick with it the whole way through. That’s why I know she’ll say yes to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____His words make me more confident, even though I know that effect will soon wear off. Of course I know that Rey wants to be with me, but I can’t help but recall how Finn had mentioned something about her being afraid to take huge steps like that. And I do remember that, even though she was excited to move in with me, it did make her a little freaked out._ _ _ _

____“Lets go!” Poe calls over to them. “Onward!”_ _ _ _

____“Coming!” Rey calls back as she and Finn leap off from the table and sprint back over to us._ _ _ _

____Finn runs into Poe’s arms, giving him a passionate kiss on the lips while Rey jumps into my arms, her legs wrapping around my waist as her lips crush against mine._ _ _ _

____“Well you’re certainly in an excitable mood,” I comment once she’s pulled away from me._ _ _ _

____“I love being on vacation,” she sighs. “I think it’s breathed a new wave of life into me.”_ _ _ _

____“So that’s what that was last night?” I tease her. “Your relentless new wave of energy?”_ _ _ _

____“Perhaps so,” she responds, smiling down at me, her expression able to light up my mood and push away any stressful thought in my mind._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____When we get back to the house, Rey and I decide to shower in the bathroom in the spare bedroom, because ours sucks and the one in here is slightly bigger._ _ _ _

____“Well, fuck me,” Rey says after we’ve turned the water on and see it is indeed a stronger flow of water coming from the shower head._ _ _ _

____“We’ve been showering in a drizzle for three days when we could have been taking a normal shower in here the whole time,” I state, not knowing whether to be relieved or annoyed._ _ _ _

____“The only weird thing is this window,” she says, pointing at the window on the wall of the shower that looks right out at the road in front of the house. There’s a ton of bushes and shit in front of it though, so no one should be able to see inside._ _ _ _

____She reaches over to shut it, but I catch her wrist and pull her back from the window._ _ _ _

____“Doesn’t it kind of excite you?” I whisper, turning her to face the window and running my hands down between her legs._ _ _ _

____“Kylo,” she says warningly, though her voice seems a little shaky. “We can’t spend the whole time playing, I feel extremely dirty. And I’m pretty sure I got at least a couple bug bites when we were up on that mountain-”_ _ _ _

____She gasps as I push her forward toward the window so that she has to brace her hands on either side of it._ _ _ _

____“So we’re showing the whole street my breasts now?” she asks as I run my fingers over her slit. “Kylo, I’m serious!” she laughs, pushing back against me. “I need to shave my legs.”_ _ _ _

____I sigh, dropping my arms from her body as she turns back around after snapping the shutter closed._ _ _ _

____I step back as she grabs the stuff she needs to shave her legs. Unfortunately, unlike back home, there isn’t really a ledge for her to rest her foot, so she decides to just hold her leg in the air while she shaves, while I hold onto her so she doesn’t fall and slice her leg open._ _ _ _

____“Be thankful you don’t have to worry about this shit,” she tells me as she leans forward, balancing her leg in the air and I try keeping a grip on her waist. “Do you know how many man hours are put into making my legs look hairless and shiny and not dry?”_ _ _ _

____“You always looks beautiful,” I offer, indeed feeling a little sympathetic to that particular female situation. It would be a pain in the ass to always have to worry about having hair on your legs and then putting a bunch of lotion on after from rubbing a blade on them every other night._ _ _ _

____“I know, that’s the goal. The one thing I worry about when going on vacation is bringing all my shaving stuff because I’m worried of looking like I have man legs.”_ _ _ _

____“I have to shave my face,” I bring up. “It’s not too stressful though because I don’t think anyone would be too weirded out by a man having facial hair. Or leg hair.”_ _ _ _

____“Isn’t it quite unnatural for humans to be hairless?”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t have to shave your legs if you don’t want to,” I remind her. “There isn’t a law. And I like your legs either way.”_ _ _ _

____“I really don’t think you’d be turned on if my legs resembled trees,” she says doubtfully._ _ _ _

____“You think I’d leave you if you didn’t shave your legs?” I ask her in amusement. “Who do you think I am?”_ _ _ _

____“You’d love me even if I had hair everywhere?” she asks, lowering her leg and turning to face me. I take her face in my hands and pull her further under the warm spray of water, crushing my lips against hers._ _ _ _

____My fingers curl into her sopping wet hair as she drops her razor to the ground._ _ _ _

____“Don’t step on that,” she warns, pulling away from me slightly, looking as if she slightly regrets doing that. I laugh, pulling her close to me again and lifting her off her feet._ _ _ _

____I turn her and push her against the closed window, my waist grinding against hers._ _ _ _

____“You know, I still haven’t gotten over being interrupted yesterday,” I tell her, biting against her soft skin. “I think I would like some compensation.”_ _ _ _


	40. Chapter 40

Rey P.O.V.

Kylo and I are snuggled up on the hammock, my head resting on his arm while he rests his hand on my shoulder, his other arm behind his head. 

Finn and Poe have already started grilling up the burgers. I suppose that technically makes us lazy, but everything seemed so calm and perfect outside that I wanted to take a moment to rest in the hammock. And then of course, Kylo started looking around for me, and now here we are. 

For a swinging bed made entirely of rope, it’s actually quite comfortable. Especially when I have someone to rest up against. 

“It’s so beautiful here,” I say, staring up at the sun sparkling through the trees. “It looks like it should be hot, but it’s so nice.” 

“I know,” he says, his lips resting against the side of my head. 

“It feels like it’s going so fast, I wish we could just… stop and enjoy it…. Kylo, I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel very deep and philosophical right now.”

“Tell me,” he grins, looking down at me. 

“I’m just wondering how… we all got to this point. And where I would be without you.”

“Somewhere better?”

“ _No _. I was actually considering how boring and empty my life would be. I’d probably just be on the same cycle I was in before, just throwing myself into my work, hanging out with Finn and Poe in my spare time… it’s crazy, I used to think that was all I’d ever need in life, I didn’t think I’d ever need… someone to love and someone to love me.”__

__“I know the feeling. Although, I thought about it in a dark depressing way, while you still had a positive outlook on life.”_ _

__“That is fucking strange,” I agree. “We are like night and day, but somehow kind of thought the same way.”_ _

__“Do you know why I fell in love with you?”_ _

__I laugh quietly as I lean up against him, thinking at first that that should be an easy question to answer. But then I suddenly feel more than a bit confused when I realize I can’t come up with anything immediately._ _

__“I always thought you were attractive,” he starts. “But I also thought you were the most irritating person I’d ever fucking run into because you were always so happy. No matter what happened, even when I got pissed at you for running into me, you just went along like nothing in your life could ever be better.”_ _

__I stare up at him, wondering why he is telling me this. But I’m also wondering why I never thought about what exactly made him fall in love with me. Or why I fell in love with him. It kind of just happened._ _

__“And then we’d have those little arguments everyday, and… I don’t know, after a while I got so used to you always being there and being such a… smartass.”_ _

__I laugh, fondly remembering the days where the only time I’d see Kylo Ren is when we ran into each other in the hallway or the breakroom and exchange snarky remarks with one another._ _

__“I think I realized that life would… kind of suck without you there all the time. Just thinking that there’s nothing to ever be unhappy about. And then one day, I thought how nice it would be to have someone so beautiful and happy and good be apart of my life. All the time.”_ _

__I close my eyes, leaning my head down to bury my face in his chest._ _

__“Kylo, you can’t keep making me cry like this,” I mutter into his shirt as he laughs, his hand reaching down to stroke down my back._ _

__“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask, looking back up at him._ _

__“I just want you to know that I love you,” he tells me, his eyes staring deep into mine. “And that I’ve loved you for a very long time, and it wasn’t just… you know, how hot you are that attracted me to you.”_ _

__I laugh, shaking away my tears as he leans down to kiss me, his lips smiling against mine._ _

__“Do you know what made me fall in love with you?” I ask him._ _

__“My winning personality?” he guesses._ _

__“No,” I giggle, shaking my head. “Because of how hot you are.”_ _

“Oh, you’re _funny! _” he says sarcastically, his hands reaching to tickle down my sides.__

“That’s all it was!” I shout, trying to wriggle away from him, but I don’t really have anywhere to go on the hammock. “Nothing else, just your looks, nothing about how you’re secretly the kindest person ever or that you’re so devoted to everything you do or that you have all your shit together- _stop it! _”__

________He reaches his hands under my shirt and tickles up my stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo, we’re gonna break the hammock!” I choke out through my laughter._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hey hey!” Poe calls out to us from the porch. “Enough canoodling, it’s time for dinner!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’re busy!” Kylo calls back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ah!” I scream as the hammock suddenly tips to the side. “Kylo, do not drop me off this hammock!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall,” he promises. “When have I not caught you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Never,” I admit. “But if this thing breaks, we’re both falling hard on our asses, and I don’t think even you can stop that. As incredible as you are.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Burgers are on plates in the kitchen, now!” we hear Finn call out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We seriously better go before they eat everything,” I warn seriously._ _ _ _ _ _


	41. Chapter 41

Kylo P.O.V.

The next morning, we wake up to the tv still playing and the smell of popcorn lingering in the air. Rey and I had made a bunch of popcorn before going to bed last night and watched The Incredibles on tv. 

I hear Rey groan as she turns over on the bed, throwing the covers over her head. 

“Why can’t we stay here longer?” she asks into the pillows. I pull the covers off of her and lift her into my arms. 

“Well, let’s not waste the whole day sleeping it off,” I tell her, kissing her on the forehead. She sighs in agreement, yanking herself up from the bed. 

“You’re right,” she says, stepping out of the bed and grabbing the empty popcorn bowl off the ground and walking over toward the kitchen in the corner of the room, while I admire how she looks in nothing but her underwear. 

She goes to wash the bowl while I get up and start to make some coffee. 

“Finn said there are some cute shops just down the street from the house,” she says, drying off the bowl and putting it away before beginning to make her extremely sugary version of coffee. “I think we’ll go out to breakfast and then go down there. Just to have somethings to do before the party tonight.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I say, trying to hide the fact that my mind is extremely distracted. 

I’ve been keeping the engagement ring on me the whole time we’ve been here because I don’t want to risk anything happening to it, and it certainly feels like it’s been weighing more and more over the past couple of days. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to focus all day today, because my mind will only be thinking of tonight. 

Rather than being stressed, as I previously was, I find myself looking forward to it with an insane feeling of excitement I can’t say I’ve ever felt before. The thought that by tomorrow, Rey Kenobi will be engaged to me and will soon be my wife, makes me feel as if there couldn’t possibly be anything in the world that is more exciting.

“Have you been having a good time?” Rey asks, sitting on the couch beside me, coffees in our hands. 

“Of course,” I answer, putting my arm around her as she snuggles up beside me. “I’ve never been happier.”

“Really?” she asks. 

“Really. I love you so much, Rey.” 

She looks up at me, smiling cutely before leaning up and planting a kiss on my lips. 

“Why thank you,” she says. “You seem like you’re in an incredibly good mood.”

I grin, excitement coursing through me as I consider just proposing to her right now and going to get married tonight. I need this woman to be my wife. 

I reach over and pull her into my lap, while she laughs in surprise, trying not to spill her coffee. 

“I love you,” I repeat, my hand brushing through her hair, not knowing what else to say. 

“I know you do,” she nods, leaning her head against mine. “I love you too. Is all this romantic scenery getting to your head?”

_Fuck, why haven’t I married her yet? ___

__“I think it might be.”_ _

__We end up going to a very tropical themed restaurant for breakfast. It was basically a bunch of tables under an overhang, surrounded by a bunch of crazy plants and fountains and stuff like that. The food is pretty good, and of course, Rey, Finn, and Poe order some crazy dessert, even though it’s only breakfast._ _

__I see Poe and Finn giving me looks all morning, because of course they know what’s going on. I try to ignore them, hoping that Rey won’t pick up on anything. I’ve already struggled keeping the ring away from her so she doesn’t see it, the last thing I need is her guessing what’s going on by the looks on everyone’s faces._ _

__After we have breakfast, we go back to the house for a bit before walking down the street a couple blocks down to a group of shops that sell Naboo culture-inspired jewelry, or clothes, and blankets, etc. It’s pretty cool looking through all the trinkets that somehow all have a specific story behind them._ _

__Finn and Poe end up getting these bracelets made of thick yarn that are supposed to represent ancient Naboo philosophers, and I get Rey a glittery necklace with a crescent moon on it that represents the lunar worship of the Naboo people._ _

__We spend most of the rest of the day outside in the backyard playing volleyball with the net Poe found in the garage. He couldn’t find any actual volleyballs, but he did find balloons that we ended up blowing up and using instead. We decided that would be better anyway, because since we’re literally right on the edge of a small cliff, there would be a good chance we’d hit the ball right over the edge. When we hit the balloons over, we just blow up another one._ _

__After a while, the game we have going just turns into the three of them tackling each other and rolling around on the grass, which they try very hard to get me to join in on, but they should know me better than that by now._ _

__We start getting ready for the party around three, since Poe tells us we should get there pretty early because the line gets extremely long._ _

__And sure enough, when we arrive at the fancy hotel hosting the event, the line reaches pretty much entirely around the whole building._ _

__“So when do they actually start letting people in?” Rey asks, shielding her eyes against the late afternoon sun shining annoyingly down on us._ _

__“Five o’clock,” Poe answers._ _

__We all probably look like we want to strangle him, since it’s only a few minutes past four._ _

__“Trust me, it’s better we got here when we did,” he assures us. “How would you like to be at the back of the line? And they only have so many seats you know, not everyone is getting in.”_ _

__“But what are we supposed to do until then, bake in the sun?” I ask._ _

__“Hell no,” he shakes his head, pulling out his phone. “We entertain ourselves.”_ _

__It turns out, Poe has this game on his phone where you hold the phone up to your forehead and it has a word on it. Everyone has to try and act out what the word is so the person holding the phone can guess it._ _

__I have to admit, I just stood back and watched them play it at first, but then I started joining in as well. And once it was my turn, I was able to guess the words pretty damn quickly, if I do say so myself. I guess I’m a lot better at this than Candy Crush._ _

__I guess Poe’s idea works, because the line starts moving before we know it. And the sun is starting to set, so we’re actually able to see what’s happening, rather than holding our hands over our eyes and squinting around the sun._ _

__I’m also able to see how beautiful Rey looks. She put on a light pink and black summer dress with black heeled sandals, along with the necklace I’d bought her earlier, and the rose colored earrings I gave her for her birthday a couple years ago.  
Her hair is up in a half bun, half ponytail style that hangs loosely around her head. She looks like some kind of island princess. _ _

__Once we get into where the party is being held, everyone is looking around in awe at the elaborate decorations surrounding the long tables covered in bright white tablecloths and lined with shiny white plates and glittering wine glasses. We get seated in the middle of the first table, Rey and I on one side and Finn and Poe on the other so that we can all face each other._ _

__They start by offering us a pink and red colored fruit drink that’s a bit too sweet for me, but Rey of course gets a million refills of. Around when it starts getting dark enough for them to light up all the torches surrounding the tables, they start the show._ _

__For the most part, the dances and songs performed tell the origin of Naboo, celebrating its beauty, paying tribute to the deities they worship. They tell a story of the Goddess of Safety that is one of the most important holy figures they worship. Then of course there is a lot about a goddess named Shiraya, the Moon Goddess, whom we’ve seen tons of statues of since we’ve been here, and apparently was how the ancient Queens of Naboo used to pay tribute to in the way they dressed._ _

__It’s interesting to finally learn about all of this since my grandmother originated from this area. Luke had told me she was supposedly incredibly passionate about this culture and had originally planned to raise him and Leia here after they were born._ _

__Something tells me she would be happy that I am proposing to the woman I love here._ _

__At about six, they announce that we are free to peruse the buffet set up along the bright green hedges that surround the area we’re in.  
I end up getting the bread, pasta made up of incredibly thin looking noodles, steak, salmon, and some kind of vegetable mix. I don’t think I’ll finish everything, but I wanted to have some options. _ _

__All of the food turns out to be incredible, made all the more enjoyable by the fact we get to watch an entertaining reenactment of the famous Battle of Naboo from two hundred years ago. They even start doing pyrotechnic tricks right in front of us._ _

__“This is better than the show at Universal Studios,” Poe marvels as we all gaze intently up at the stage._ _

__It’s true. I haven’t been this impressed with a live show for a while._ _

__After we’ve all finished dinner and Rey and the boys get some dessert that she makes me try (some weird chocolate cream pudding thing that actually isn’t too bad, but I can’t understand how she’s able to finish the whole thing without getting a headache), the night starts to slow down a bit, since it’s nearly nine pm._ _

__Before the show comes to a close, they start playing this really slow romantic music. The lady on stage talks about the epic beauty of Naboo’s nature, how it inspires great romance and “everlasting love”. She then tells the audience to stand up with their significant other and dance along to the famous love ballad of the Naboo people, that supposedly ensures your love will never die._ _

__Finn and Poe nearly knock their chairs over jumping up and running out into the grass to dance along with the large group of other couples rising to sway gently with each other to the soft music._ _

__Rey looks over at me, seeming as if she expects me to want to sit this one out. Maybe normally I would, but I can tell she really wants to dance, and that’s enough to make me want to as well._ _

__I take her hand in mine as we stand up and I lead her over to a relatively empty area on the grass. I put one hand on her waist and hold her other hand up near our heads while she places her free hand on my shoulder. I feel a little awkward since we don’t usually dance like this, but we eventually kind of find our groove._ _

__After a while, I realize I’ve been so focused on not stumbling or stepping on her foot, that I hadn’t even noticed she’d begun to cry._ _

__I look into her eyes as she stares up at me, her gaze too intense to smile at. We’re usually able to communicate things to each other pretty sufficiently just by glancing at one another, and this time I know what she wants to say to me is too complicated for words._ _

__Something about the look she gives me, the way she holds my hand securely in hers and is somehow telling me everything she feels for me through all of this makes me almost want to cry as well. But in a good way, in that I know that everything in my life is going to be ok because of her._ _

__We stay gazing and holding each other like this for a few more brief moments, even after the song has ended._ _

__

__Rey P.O.V._ _

__Once we get back to the house, I decide to just get straight into my pajamas rather than showering, because we didn’t really do anything too physically draining today. I try to keep my mood lightened, enjoying the few hours of the night we have left here before we have to leave tomorrow, which I try to not think about._ _

__I sit in the kitchen with Finn for a while, talking about how unbelievably amazing that party had been, while Poe is upstairs showering and Kylo is up in our room doing something, getting changed I suppose._ _

__Finn and I decide to go out into the backyard to roam around one last time, since it looks so cool out there when it’s dark._ _

__We turn the huge lights on so that we can see enough to not accidentally walk right over the cliff, and we swing around on the hammock for a while, listening to the gorgeous sound of the ocean._ _

__“We have to come back here,” I tell him. “And stay for a week. A whole seven days.”_ _

__“Agreed. No way four days is enough.”_ _

__“Five days for you,” I remind him. “I never asked, what did you two do the day you got here? Besides have sex in all the bedrooms.”_ _

__“That was pretty much it,” he admits. “We didn’t want to do anything too spectacular without you guys, we didn’t want you to miss out.”_ _

__“Well, I have to say, now that we’ve been to the beaches here, I don’t know how the beaches back home will ever compare.”_ _

__“Ugh, you’re telling me. How the hell am I supposed to get used to that below zero water now? Especially since I’m a guy!”_ _

__“I know, that must suck,” I sympathize. “Does it really feel like your balls are jumping up to your stomach?”_ _

__“Uh, more like to my throat,” he says as I laugh, putting my hand to my mouth._ _

__“Fuck, that sounds awful. That’s why I’m so confused why Kylo always wants to take cold showers.”_ _

__“It’s not as bad when it’s just a shower, it’s when you’re knee deep in ice water. That just keeps slushing around.”_ _

__“Slushing?”_ _

__“Sloshing,” he corrects himself. He snickers at himself and I shake my head. “I’m going inside to make myself some hot chocolate,” he says, pushing himself off the hammock. “Anything for you?”_ _

__“No, I’ll probably have something later, I’m still full form dinner.”_ _

__“Alright. See you in a bit.”_ _

__“Mm hm,” I nod, standing up from the hammock and wandering out across the grass while Finn heads back inside._ _

__I look down at the crashing waves hitting against the black, jagged rocks down below, thinking that it must be impossible that no one staying in one of these houses has ever fallen down off the cliff. There is literally nothing stopping someone from walking right off, and if you’re drinking enough or are just stupid enough, you’d definitely fall right off. And I can’t see how you wouldn’t be cut to ribbons on those rocks._ _

__I hear one of the doors slide open up at the porch as I walk along the edge of the small cliff, trying to see if the waves will get strong enough to splash up on me._ _

__“Getting one last look?” I hear Kylo ask from up on the porch. I turn around to face him._ _

__“I guess so,” I shrug. “I don’t think we came out here at night enough. It’s really quite amazing.”_ _

__He heads down the side of the porch, walking onto the grass toward me._ _

__I turn back toward the ocean as he walks up beside me and I shrink against his warm body as he wraps his arms around my waist._ _

__“You weren't thinking of jumping, were you?” he asks me as I laugh._ _

__“No, I wasn’t, but I was thinking that there is no way some idiot hasn’t fallen down there by now. And in that case, how are they still allowed to let people stay here, because that person definitely died.”_ _

__“I don’t know, you might survive. You’d be pretty fucked up, but you’d survive.”_ _

__“I don’t believe it. You’d have to be the luckiest person in the world not to crack your head open.”_ _

__I shake off my worries about the morbid topic, choosing instead to look up at the sky, still surprised by the amount of stars there are._ _

__“It’s pretty cool that you can actually see the sky here, isn’t it?” Kylo asks, following my gaze._ _

__“They’re beautiful. I used to be able to see them all the time in Jakku and Alderaan, but not since I moved to the city. We can’t even see them from our house.”_ _

__I feel his soft lips touch against my neck._ _

__“You’re beautiful, Rey.”_ _

__For some reason, despite how long I’ve been with him and however many times he’s said that to me, his words suddenly make me blush._ _

__“As are you,” I reply as he steps around to my side._ _

After a moment, he turns me around to face him, taking my hands in his. His expression takes me by surprise. His eyes look back into mine eagerly, but there’s a hint of nervousness behind them. _What’s going on?_

______“Rey,” he begins, his voice as soft as his gentle touch on my hands. “I have been in love with you since the moment I met you. You have helped me be a better person and you helped me to realize that… I’m not a bad person. And that I deserve to be happy.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____I stare back at him, smiling slightly, confused to why he’s saying this to me._ _ _ _

____“And I can’t imagine my life without you in it because you make everything so much better,” he continues._ _ _ _

____His hands drop away from mine as I stand before him, the breeze tugging through my hair slightly._ _ _ _

____His eyes stay locked on mine as he slowly lowers down to one knee and my heart nearly leaps out of my chest._ _ _ _

____My mouth hangs open slightly as he pulls something out of his pocket, his gaze never leaving mine as I see him holding a small velvet box in his hands._ _ _ _

____“Kylo,” I choke out, both my hands going to my face as he opens the box to reveal a small, glittering red jeweled ring._ _ _ _

____“I want to be yours for the rest of my life. And I want you to be mine.”_ _ _ _

____I press my hands against my face, trying to quite my sobbing, but there is no other way for me to react._ _ _ _

____“Will you marry me?”_ _ _ _

____Such simple words that I didn’t think would ever affect me so much nearly knock me off my feet._ _ _ _

____“Yes,” I nod quickly, somehow able to answer through my tears._ _ _ _

____It almost looks as if it takes him a moment to process that I said yes. But then an almost relieved looking grin appears on his face and I reach down to grab him by the shirt and pull him back onto his feet._ _ _ _

____My lips eagerly cress against his as my arms wrap around his neck, while I continue to sob away._ _ _ _

____I lean my head against his as he gently runs his hand down my face, no doubt trying to calm me down._ _ _ _

____He reaches down to pull the ring out of the box and I hold my hand out as he slides it onto my ring finger._ _ _ _

____“Kylo, I… I don’t know what to say.” I stare down at the beautiful ring, sparkling at every angle I turn it at. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”_ _ _ _

____“Poe helped me pick it out,” he tells me. I look up at him and then back toward the house._ _ _ _

____Sure enough, Finn and Poe are staring out the glass doors, trying to act casual._ _ _ _

____I look back at Kylo, laughing in disbelief._ _ _ _

____“They knew?” I whisper, my brain hardly able to process any of this._ _ _ _

____“The whole time,” he confirms. Shall we go inside?” He laughs a bit at my expression. I nod, feeling my whole body shaking, wondering if any of this is real._ _ _ _

____I grab onto his shoulder, laughing as he lifts me up off my feet and carries me up the stairs to the porch and into the house.  
Finn and Poe both cheer hysterically once we get into the house, and I kiss Kylo firmly on the lips, closing my eyes, wanting nothing more than to lose myself in him._ _ _ _

____“What did I tell you?” I hear Poe ask, and I turn to see he and Finn look like they’ve been crying a little as well._ _ _ _

____“You two knew about this the whole time?” I ask, my voice still hoarse from my spastic crying._ _ _ _

____“Fuck, it was hard not to say anything,” Finn laughs, and Kylo chuckles in agreement. He sets me down, but I continue to hold onto him, feeling as if I would like very much to never let go of him again._ _ _ _

“Force, Rey, you’re _engaged _,” Poe sighs in amazement. “Before us!”__

________“I can’t even believe this is happening,” I whisper, my face buried against Kylo’s neck. “Kylo, I love you so much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel his arms rest against my back, holding me tightly against him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’ll always love you, Rey. Until the day I die. And after that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Don’t get me started again!” Finn protests, running off across the room before he can let us see him crying._ _ _ _ _ _

* * * 

Rey P.O.V.

The first and only thing that is on my mind once I wake up is that Kylo proposed to me last night. The thought practically kept me up all night and wakes me up like an alarm. 

I sit up, reaching over to the nightstand table and put the ring back on my finger. I stare down at it for a while, smiling as I feel a jittery wave of excitement shudder through me. _Kylo’s going to marry me. He’s going to be my husband. ___

__My eyes close when I feel his arms circle around me, his lips gently kissing against my temple._ _

__“You know, I think this may be the happiest anyone’s ever been on the day they’re coming back home from vacation,” I tell him, hardly even remembering my despair from yesterday when I was so distraught we couldn’t stay here longer._ _

__“I can see that,” he agrees._ _

__He pulls me on top of him as he lays back in the bed, his hands running up and down my sides._ _

__“So, when are you going to marry me?” he asks. I chuckle at his enthusiasm, realizing he must have had this planned out for a while now, so he is probably anxious for us to tie the knot._ _

__“As soon as possible,” I promise him. I throw myself on top of him, wrapping my arms around his torso and hugging myself against him as he laughs._ _

__

__We’re at the Naboo airport at noon, where we go through everything we did at the last airport. We walk through the beautiful, amazing airport again and go to get some food at a diner once we get through the security check._ _

__Our flight doesn’t board until two pm, but since it’s the four of us, we find someway to keep ourselves entertained during the wait._ _

__Kylo and I end up seated in the same side of the plane, except in the front instead of the back. Finn and Poe are in the row beside us, the middle one. At first, I’m worried when I realize there’s no chairs in front of us, so no tvs. But Kylo just gives me an amused look before showing me how to pull the extension out of the armrest where the tvs for the front row are._ _

__I try focusing on watching Rebel Without a Cause for the first part of the flight, but of course, the ring on my finger is the only thing my brain is going to want to focus on for a while._ _

__My eyes only stay on the tv every couple of seconds before glancing back down at the beautiful ruby glimmering on my hand._ _

__After a while, Kylo places his hand on top of mine._ _

__I look up to meet his eyes, seeing he as well hasn’t really been paying attention to watching The Commuter, the movie he started on his tv._ _

“I cannot _wait _until we get back home,” I tell him quietly.__

_____ _

____

____

__

__“I can,” he laughs. “You know we’re going to have to tell my mother about everything. And be the center of attention for however long it takes us to get married.”_ _

__“Shit, I didn’t think about that,” I laugh. “Your mother is going to go crazy.”_ _

__“That’s why we should have just went and got married last night,” he says pointedly. I close my eyes, giggling to myself as he pulls me in to kiss me briefly on the lips before we pull apart to let the flight attendant serve us our chicken sandwiches that are on the lunch menus this time around._ _


	42. Chapter 42

Rey P.O.V.

“I found them, Rey!” I hear Rose shout from down the hall. I turn around to see her come running into the room, waving a pack of plastic cups I’d been looking for.

“Rose, you’re a lifesaver,” I tell her gratefully as she hands me the cups. “I thought I was going to have to go out and buy new ones.” She grins at me excitedly, and I can tell she knows. 

“And may I say, congratulations on the wedding,” she says, practically jumping up and down. 

“Finn told you?” I presume. 

“He sure did,” she nods. “Rey, I can’t believe it, you’re going to be a married woman! Are you excited?”

“I am,” I smile, already feeling the well of eagerness threatening to overtake me again. 

It’s been a little over two months since Kylo proposed to me, and as soon as we returned back from Naboo, the wedding immediately began to be planned, mostly by Leia. 

We’re getting married outside Han and Leia’s house, in the back, since they have all that beautiful property. I thought it would just be them and Finn and Poe and Poe’s parents attending, since those are the only people I’m close enough with to invite, but Leia has a whole list of people she’s inviting, people who apparently would love to see her son get married. She’s even inviting a friend of hers who has a daughter who will be able to be our flower girl. 

I don’t really have any close girl friends, so I’m not going to have any bridesmaids. Finn however will be my unofficial best man, and Poe will be Kylo’s best man. Poe also couldn’t wait to volunteer himself to be the ring bearer, so he has multiple roles. 

I will admit, things seemed to have moved so fast, I’m not sure if they’re really happening. I let Leia handle all the things like decorations and who to invite and everything, since I know nothing about planning a wedding. 

I haven’t really had too much time to stop and think about everything, and I’m not sure I want to. I always get so freaked out when taking a big step like this, and this is probably the biggest step I’ve ever taken or will ever take again. Of course I’m ready to commit myself to Kylo and declare that in front of an audience of people and have everything be official. But a fear that’s been there ever since I was young is still in the back of my mind, and that is the fact that more than forty percent of all marriages end in divorce. 

“Have you set a date?” Rose asks, following me back to the table where we’re trying to sort everything out for a party we’re helping to host with a children’s healthcare clinic. 

“November 30th.”

“Have you gotten your dress yet?”

I smile giddily to myself, trying to calm myself down.

“I’m going to a boutique this weekend, Leia made me an appointment.” 

“Oh, Rey, that’s so exciting!” Rose exclaims, sounding much like how I feel. 

“Well, I’m a bit nervous,” I admit. “The last time I thought about a wedding dress was when I was seven or eight and I thought I’d be marrying a prince.” 

“Aren’t you though?” she points out. 

“Yes, I guess I am.” 

“Rey!” I hear Poe call from the hallway. I turn to see him leaning against the door. “You’ve been going since eight am this morning, it’s two now. Come out here and eat your lunch.”

“I have to keep myself occupied, Poe,” I tell him. “For obvious reasons.” As long as I keep my hands or my brain moving toward something productive, I don’t get too excited about my forthcoming wedding. 

“If you don’t come out here and eat, I’m telling your fiance, and he’ll come in here to drag you out and force feed you if he has to.” 

I roll my eyes as Rose laughs hysterically. As much as I adore getting to call Kylo my fiance rather than just my boyfriend, everyone who knows about our engagement has somehow found a way to use the term against me. 

“Fine,” I surrender, setting down the huge banner I was working on and following Poe out into the hall. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll try getting some of this done,” Rose reassures me as I’m hurried out of the workroom.

“Thank you!”

We get into the breakroom, and my stomach growls in response to the smell of pasta salad they have out for us today. 

“Ok, you were right,” I admit as I rush over to the counter to grab myself a bowl. “Force, this looks amazing. Who makes all of this?”

“I think it’s just takeout,” Poe replies, grabbing a bowl as well and digging into the giant serving of pasta salad waiting for us. “But I wish I knew where it was, because this is the best takeout I’ve ever tasted. Most of the time anyway.”

“Yeah, sometimes they try giving us that gross tofu thing.”

“That’s when I go home for lunch.”

“Rey?” 

We both turn around at the voice coming from across the room, not noticing that someone else was in here. 

To my shock, and confusion, it’s Phasma. I don’t think she’s ever said a word to me in all the years I’ve worked here.

“Yes?” I ask. 

“I hear you and Kylo are getting married,” she tells me, her voice much softer than how I remember it whenever she snaps at Finn or at her other coworkers. 

She gives me a nod. 

“Congratulations.” 

“Oh… thank you,” I reply graciously. Her mouth turns upward slightly in what could almost be called a grin, but not quite, before she turns and walks out the door, down toward the military workrooms. 

Poe and I turn to look at each other, the both us us mirroring each other’s amazed expression. 

“Rey, ever since your engagement, the whole world has turned upside down,” he says as I laugh in incredulity. 

“That was really nice of her though,” I say as he snickers to himself. “But do you think she would have said anything to me if Finn was here?” 

“Oh, fuck no,” he answers, beginning to laugh harder. “She still might have said something, but it wouldn’t have been about your wedding.”

“True.”

“Shit, do you think Hux might congratulate Kylo?”

“Oh stars Poe, the world isn’t changing _that _drastically. If that ever happened, I think it would be safe to say the end of the world is upon us.”__

__* * *_ _

__“So, how was your day?” Kylo asks, coming to sit at the couch while I sit on the floor beside the coffee table, tying a bunch of ribbons around little stacks of candy. “I see you brought some work home with you.”_ _

__“Oh yes, it never stops,” I answer, expertly twirling the ribbon down the blade of the scissors to get it to twirl. “I am getting so good at this. How was your day, my love?”_ _

__“Normal, I guess. Though it’s pretty much impossible for me to concentrate on anything.”_ _

__“I know the feeling,” I smile._ _

__“Yeah, for different reasons though.”_ _

__“What do you mean?” I ask him._ _

__I look up at him when he doesn’t answer for a moment, and am surprised to see him shaking off, what looks like a deep thought of sadness._ _

__“The only thing I try to do in that office is find any way possible to get everyone we have out there back home,” he tells me. “But sometimes that can’t happen, and… I don’t know. I’m just so thankful I’m able to come home to you everyday and that you’re here with me.”_ _

__I feel a pang of hurt, only imagining what it must be like for all those men and women Kylo works with everyday who have to be thousands of miles away from their families, with Kylo and the other employees basically being their only contact back home._ _

__“I’ll always be here,” I promise him, offering him a small grin. “I’m sorry, that must be hard to have to deal with.”_ _

__“Harder for them.” He sighs, leaning back against the couch. “But at least it makes me sure that I chose the right thing to do.”_ _

__“Yeah,” I nod in agreement. “You do a fantastic job, Kylo.”_ _

__I go back to tying my lovely looking ribbons while he watches from the couch._ _

__“I’m surprised you never eat any of those,” he says as he watches me put together a stack of Hershey’s, Reeses Pieces, and sour gummy worms._ _

__“Oh, believe me, it takes every inch of will power I have,” I confess. “I’m surprised they even let me take these things home, it’s a risk.”_ _

__“Well, you know if they went home with Finn and Poe, they’d all be gone.”_ _

__“Uh huh, and that’s why they go here. Because I am responsible, and you hate all of this crap.”_ _

__“Yep,” he nods._ _

__“You know, I think the reason your mom promoted me to assistant manager is because I pick up so fast on making these decorations look really good. Ever since I started working at First Order, I’ve been able to get so creative and make these things look so cute. I could never do this before, I could barely get a B on my school projects-”_ _

__“Crawl to me.”_ _

__I stop in the middle of tying the black and pink ribbons onto the candy stack, raising my head to look up at him._ _

__“Really? Right now?”_ _

__“Yes.” He opens his knees. “Crawl over to me.”_ _

__“I’m trying to work, Kylo!”_ _

__“Take a break for a second.”_ _

__“No,” I laugh, shaking my head in confusion and going back to my work._ _

“ _Now. _”__

______I lower my stack of candy to my lap, looking down with exasperation, but also amusement._ _ _ _ _ _

____“You really want to do this right now?” I ask, setting the candy up on the table and leaning forward on my hands and knees._ _ _ _

____“I do,” he answers, his eyes boring down into mine. “Get over here.”_ _ _ _

____I stare up at him, slowly crawling forward, moving around the table and stopping at his feet. I feel really stupid because I’m probably the least sexiest person I know._ _ _ _

____“Come up here,” he directs. I sit up, leaning forward on the couch, my face between his knees._ _ _ _

“Ah, I see,” I grin as he reaches down to undo his pants. “I never finished you off back when we were _interrupted. _”__

________“Mm hm,” he murmurs, freeing himself from his pants as I move forward, my hand reaching out to gently stroke down his length._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“I see you’re already prepared,” I tease him, rubbing my fingers down his shaft. He sinks further down into the couch as I move forward, running my tongue along his member._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You can… you can um…” I struggle with a non-awkward way to say this._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can what?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You can… finish in my mouth. If you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______His head snaps up to look at me, and I swear I feel him get even harder._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are you sure?” he asks, sounding like he doesn’t want me to know how happy this makes him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes,” I laugh. “Now relax.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He lays his head back down, still looking unsure._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s ok if you change your mind,” he reminds me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know,” I reply. I go back softly kissing along his length, my tongue teasing him and making him squirm against the couch._ _ _ _ _ _

______I begin to take him into my mouth, getting myself used to it before slowly moving him further down my throat._ _ _ _ _ _

______He groans loudly as I begin sucking, hoping that my teeth aren’t digging into him too hard, but I can only open my mouth so far. Fuck, I’m terrible at this._ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel his hand begin to grip my hair, keeping me firmly down on top of him. I feel my saliva start to drop out of my mouth, and it feels a little gross, but he seems to have no problem._ _ _ _ _ _

______I moan around him and he grabs my hair harder, grunting in response. My fingers reach up to gently stroke against his balls and his hips thrust eagerly against my face. I keep moaning around his dick, since he seems to really like that. I press my tongue harder against him and I feel him twitch in my mouth._ _ _ _ _ _

______I start preparing myself, wondering if I’ll totally fuck this up and start choking when he comes down my throat. I take a deep breath through my nose, placing my hands on his thighs, gently stroking up and down his skin as he gets closer._ _ _ _ _ _

______Something warm suddenly shoots down my throat as he spasms in my mouth, his moans echoing in my ears._ _ _ _ _ _

______He slowly backs out of my mouth when he’s done and I take a few breaths, shaking the stars out of my vision, laughing slightly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Was that ok?” he asks, still sounding out of breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______I crawl up next to him on the couch, laying across his lap and looking up at him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It was… salty,” I answer, that being the only taste I can distinctly pick out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Salty? Is that bad?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” I laugh. He looks down at me, reaching down to caress my face._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That was fucking amazing,” he tells me. I giggle up at him, but he looks serious. “Thank you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s my pleasure, love.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He grins mischievously, his hand brushing through my hair._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re very beautiful when you’re sucking my cock.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I laugh, closing my eyes and turning away from him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I have to get back to work,” I say, trying to roll off of his lap and down onto the floor. Before I can, I feel his arm around my waist, yanking me up off the ground and over his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, not this again!” I shout in protest, still unable to keep from laughing._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I have to return the favor,” he insists, carrying me toward the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo, you are going to kill me with all this sex,” I tell him as I slump against his back while he lugs me up into the bedroom._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You fucking love it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He knows perfectly well I can’t argue with that._ _ _ _ _ _


	43. Chapter 43

Rey P.O.V.

We arrive at the bridal boutique at twelve pm sharp on Saturday. Leia, Han, Finn, and Poe are all with me. Kylo of course isn’t allowed to see the dress until the day of the wedding, so he had to stay home. 

I immediately know I am miles out of my element once we walk in. Everywhere you turn, it’s huge designer wedding gowns, sparkling high heels, and jewelry that looks too expensive to even exist. It’s made all the more overwhelming once I realize I have no idea what I want. 

We meet with a very tall woman with long dark hair that shines against the gold lights in the boutique. She’s wearing all black, and looks more like a business executive than a consultant. 

“You must be Rey,” she greets me right away, and I reach out to shake her hand. “I’m Rebecca, I’ll be helping you out today. Did you have an idea of what you’d like to try?” 

She seems like the kind of woman who would prefer to get going as soon as possible, so I of course feel like an idiot when I just shrug and shake my head.

“Not really,” I tell her tentatively. 

“I think we’d better just go through and look at everything,” Poe steps in. “She isn’t really sure which style she wants yet, so we’d better just try her in a few different things.”

“That’s fine,” Rebecca nods. “If you’ll all follow me, we can go look through the racks and everyone can pick out something they’d like to see her in.” 

We all stand up to follow her back toward the small hallways of gowns, Han being the only one electing to stay behind at our place on the couch. 

My eyes begin to swirl once we start looking through the racks that look as if they hold hundreds of bright white gowns. I don’t know how you’re supposed to tell any of them apart. I watch Poe and Leia, who seem to just grab onto the plastic covered gowns and pull them out slightly to be able to see them better. I suppose that’s the only way to see what they look like. 

I try pulling out a few gowns, looking them over rather briefly before moving on. I never knew there could be so many different designs and styles just for a wedding dress. There’s even a few different colors among the mix. 

“See anything?” Finn asks as we meet up in the middle of one of the rows. 

“Um… I don’t think so. I don’t know, they’re all beautiful, but… I just can’t picture myself wearing any of these, they’re so _big _.”__

__“Well of course you can’t, you’ve never worn one before,” he grins. “I pulled out two I think you might like, and Leia and Poe have already taken practically a dozen. You just have to start trying everything on to see what you like, it’s hard to tell when they’re just on the rack.”_ _

__“You picked out two?” I ask._ _

__“Yeah. They’re pretty different from each other, just so you can get a feel for the different ways they fit. Poe’s picking out all the sexy fitting ones, so his are basically all the same.”_ _

__I decide to just start trying on what everyone picked out for me, since I know I’m not going to come up with anything. And indeed, when I follow Rebecca back to the dressing rooms, I see an intimidatingly large assortment of gowns waiting for me._ _

__Thankfully, I’m allowed to get changed into the gowns myself, and Rebecca only has to help me zip up. I always thought the gowns were too expensive that the consultants didn’t want you getting into them wrong and accidentally ripping them or something so they had to be in the dressing room to help you change._ _

__The first one I try on is one of the two Finn picked out. It’s very simple, a strapless, lace covered dress that fits down my body and hangs loose around my legs._ _

__“You look gorgeous,” Poe comments once I step out to show everyone._ _

__“It fits nicely on you,” Leia adds._ _

__I stare at myself in the mirror, unable to comprehend the image of me in a wedding dress. I run my hands down the lacey pattern of roses that cover the dress, wondering what Kylo would think of it._ _

__“Han?” I suddenly ask. He looks up and everyone looks over at him, surprised that I had called out to him. “What do you think?”_ _

__“Honestly?” he asks, leaning forward a bit._ _

__I nod quickly. I know he and Kylo have extremely similar tastes when it comes to things like this, and Han isn’t afraid to be honest with me._ _

__“I think it’s very cute,” he answers. “But the lace looks a bit like a tablecloth.”_ _

__We all laugh and Leia berates him harshly._ _

__“What, it’s true,” he shrugs._ _

__“I think I’ll just keep going,” I suggest, stepping down from the pedestal and heading back toward the dressing rooms._ _

__I try on the second dress that Finn picked out for me, a ballgown style made entirely of a lovely silk material. The gown flares out at my hips, making me look a bit like a princess, while the bodice hugs tightly to my abdomen, covered in a design of sparkly jewels._ _

__Everyone seems to like this one as well, and I really like the way it fits. It’s not too uncomfortable, but it looks stunning._ _

__Next, I start trying on all of Poe’s choices, which I learn are called “mermaid” dresses. They fit extremely tightly all the way down past my butt, showing everything off, and then they fit loosely around my knees, flaring down along the rest of my body. They are very sexy and make me look pretty good, but they’re extremely hard to walk in, which isn’t something I’d like to worry about when walking down the aisle in front of a bunch of people, most of whom I haven’t even met before._ _

__Leia had picked out an assortment of things for me to try, long and short, loose fitting and tight fitting, sparkly, silky, long sleeve, no sleeve, short sleeve… everything really. Again, I had no idea there were so many different ways a wedding gown can look._ _

__After what feels like my fiftieth dress, I go back to the dressing room and realize I’ve tried on everything they picked out for me.  
I’m a bit confused for a moment, because I can’t think of a single gown that I “connected” with enough to walk down the aisle in. I can’t imagine what Kylo’s reaction to any of the gowns would be, though Han’s opinion is as accurate as I can get. _ _

__I go back out to the lobby in my regular clothes, but no one has seemed to have lost any hope yet._ _

__“Let’s keep looking,” Poe says eagerly, jumping up from the couch and going to comb through the racks once more._ _

__“Don’t worry, Rey,” Leia says, placing her hand on my arm. “You may not even find anything today. The point is, you know all the styles you like and what you don’t like, right?”_ _

__“True,” I nod. “But I just… I can’t picture myself actually getting married, let alone wearing a wedding dress.”_ _

__“I know,” she acknowledges. “It’s a hard decision. But I do have to say, it’s only for one day. I know people make it out to be the most important decision ever, but it really is just a dress. Remember that.”_ _

__She has a point. I’m spending thousands of dollars (that she’s generous enough to help me out with) on this gown that I’m only going to wear for one day of my life. Granted, the most important day of my life, but it’s still basically just another day._ _

__I start perusing through the aisles, mindlessly staring at gown after gown, not thinking I’m going to find anything I like. I wonder if I could just wear one of the dresses I’ve worn to the Christmas party for the office. It’d certainly save money._ _

__“Hey, kid,” I hear Han call over to me. I turn around, surprised to see him standing at one of the racks. “How about this one?”_ _

__I walk over to see him holding out a dress, looking it over curiously._ _

__“It’s kinda pretty… I don’t know, it might look good,” he says, shaking his head. “I don’t really know much about these things, but…”_ _

__I take ahold of the plastic covered dress, gazing down at it. It looks to be a ballgown style, which was probably the style I liked the best, so that helps. And the fabric at the bottom looks very beautiful. It’s hard to tell through the plastic, but I’m willing to try._ _

__“It looks nice,” I smile, taking it off the rack._ _

__“You don’t have to try it on if you don’t like it…”_ _

__“No, I want to,” I tell him honestly. I glance around to see if any of the others are nearby. “Don’t tell anyone yet, I want to look at it myself for a moment,” I tell him quietly, and he grins, nodding._ _

__“You got it, kid. Take your time.”_ _

__I run off toward the dressing room, gown in hand. Rebecca sees me going over and follows me back to help me zip up when I’m done._ _

__As soon as I get into the room and begin pulling the gown out of the plastic, I can see I underestimated just how pretty the fabric is._ _

__I’m not even sure what material it is. It’s soft and flowy, feeling like very very light silk in my hands, but it’s also kind of a thin lace texture as well. It looks like it’s moving in slow motion when it lift it with my hands and let it drop._ _

__Once I get myself into the gown, I turn to look at myself in the mirror._ _

__For a while, I just stare at myself. Me. In a wedding gown. The image somehow finally processes._ _

__The sleeveless bodice hugs tightly around my middle, a soft material that ripples slightly. A belt of glittering crystals surrounds my waist, forming a lovely shape in the front and separating where the bodice stops and the skirt begins._ _

__The skirt hangs loosely around the bottom half of my body, the silky lace material drooping heavily, cutting off in long pleats all the way down._ _

__I twirl a little, just to see the soft fabric swirl around me. I run my hands through the pleats of the gown, feeling the cold material slide through my fingers._ _

__It’s beautiful._ _

__I step out into the hall so that Rebecca can button me up. Perhaps she’s been doing this for a while now, because she seems to recognize whatever expression is on my face, and a small smile plays on her lips._ _

__I step out into the lobby, smiling giddily to myself as the gorgeous fabric sweeps against the floor and around my legs._ _

__I walk up to the pedestal, Han waiting at the couch as the others quickly head over once they see me._ _

__“Rey….” Finn starts, staring at me wide eyed._ _

__“Rey, you look beautiful,” Poe gawks, the playful expression gone from his face, replaced by an awed stare. I smile, laughing slightly as I stare at myself in the large mirror. The lights out here make the material shine against the goldish light, causing me to slowly twirl my hips again so I can see it move in the light._ _

__“Rey, it’s stunning,” Leia says, her eyes twinkling as she looks over me warmly._ _

__“It’s perfect,” I say, feeling as if I haven’t smiled so big since I was Force knows how old._ _

__I turn around to face Han, tears spilling over my eyes._ _

__“Thank you,” I tell him, unable to express to him just how grateful I am that he somehow found this dress. “It’s beautiful.”_ _

__“I thought it’d be the one,” he nods, grinning up at me. I step down from the pedestal, running over to him as he stands up._ _

__I embrace him tightly, tears silently falling down my face, happy ones of course._ _

__“Ah, kid, you don’t have to think me,” he says, gently patting my back. “You look great. And Ben is gonna love it.”_ _

__* * *_ _

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__“Can you give me a hint of what it looks like?” I ask, my lips kissing along the side of her head._ _

__“No!” she laughs as she lays beneath me on the couch, her hands around my waist. “You don’t get to see it until the day.”_ _

__“Why?” I pester her, my hands moving up under her shirt. “You got me all excited when you texted me how beautiful it is.”_ _

__“I may have gotten a little too excited,” she admits. “Believe me, I can’t wait for you to see it, but traditions are traditions.”_ _

__I sigh in exasperation, burying my face against her neck. She chuckles, patting me comfortingly on the back._ _

__“I’ll tell you what my dress looks like if you’ll tell me where we’re going for our honeymoon,” she offers._ _

__“Nope,” I answer, leaning back onto my hands. “You’ll find out when we get there.”_ _

__“Kylo, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to pack!”_ _

__“Just pack for all kinds of weather, I don’t know what it’s going to be like over there.”_ _

__“Is it far?”_ _

__“You’ll see,” I tell her, making her groan in discontent._ _

__“Fine. As long as you’re driving.”_ _

__She turns her head to watch whatever cooking show is playing on the tv while I lean down and lightly brush my lips against her neck._ _

__She laughs, leaning away as my lips tickle her skin, making me chuckle as well as I continue tracing my lips along her neck, my tongue gently caressing her exposed skin._ _

__My fingers trace along her stomach and she lets out a shriek as my teeth nip at her skin._ _

__“You cannot leave marks on me Kylo, it’s getting harder to get my hair to cover them.”_ _

__“Good. Then people will know you belong to me.”_ _

__“Yes my dear, but I’m not too keen on people visualizing what you were doing to give me these little bite marks.”_ _

__“You sure?” I ask, my hands moving further up her shirt toward her breasts._ _

__“Once we’re on our honeymoon, you can shower me in love bites, but not when I have to go to work.”_ _

__“We don’t go back until Monday.”_ _

__“Do you know how long it takes for these to go away? You bite hard.”_ _

__I laugh at her seriousness as she seems to ignore me, her eyes staying on the tv._ _

__“So your mother has planned a huge dinner party the night before the wedding,” she says, making me roll my eyes. “I feel bad, she’s already helped us out so much with all the wedding costs, and now she’s doing a whole pre party at this fancy restaurant…”_ _

__“She loves doing all that stuff. Trust me, if we tried to refuse any of it, it wouldn’t work. She wants as many people as possible to know that we’re getting married.”_ _

__Rey’s eyes glaze over briefly after I say that with, what looks like a rather nervous expression. I don’t blame her, I’m dreading having to stand in front of a ton of people I don’t even like that much and having to say my wedding vows in, what should be, a very private and intimate moment._ _

__“Are you scared?” she suddenly asks me, sounding as if she had been hesitant to ask me._ _

__“Of marrying you?” I ask with amusement, wondering why she’d ask such a thing. But she turns back to face me and nods, her eyes serious._ _

__“I don’t mean if you’re having second thoughts or anything, just… doesn’t it kind of scare you?”_ _

__“Marrying you doesn’t scare me,” I answer, my tone matching her solemnity. “Not a bit.”_ _

__She nods at my answer, now looking a bit guilty._ _

“Does it scare _you? _” I ask, wondering if I maybe rushed all of this onto her too fast without making sure she was really ready for it.__

______“A little,” she confesses._ _ _ _ _ _

____“That’s ok,” I tell her, taking her hand in mine. “This all happening really fast.”_ _ _ _

____“Of course I want to marry you and I’m excited, it’s just… it’s scary.”_ _ _ _

____“What’s scary?”_ _ _ _

____She struggles to explain, looking a bit ashamed to even be saying this._ _ _ _

____“You can tell me,” I promise her. “I’m not offended, I swear.”_ _ _ _

____She grins slightly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes._ _ _ _

____“Tell me what’s wrong,” I implore, placing my other hand on top of hers._ _ _ _

____“I’m just… you’re not afraid we’re gonna change at all?” she asks. I blink down at her, not quite knowing that she means._ _ _ _

____“Change?”____

 _ _ _“Yes. Like… maybe in a few years you’ll find out that… you want something else. Maybe I’m not the woman you really want, maybe you don’t want to be married. Maybe I’ll change and you won’t like how I’m changing or I won’t like how you’re changing…”_ _ _

____The only reason her words don’t worry me is because I can tell she’s just slightly hyperventilating. I can usually tell when she’s deeply worried about something and when she’s just thinking about things to worry about._ _ _ _

“Rey. Do you really think I would _ever _want to leave you?”__

________“Maybe not now, but a lot can change overtime.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I sigh, shaking my head, grabbing ahold of both her hands and pulling her up to a sitting position._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey, I told you a long time ago that it’s not going to be easy to get rid of me.” I reach up to touch the side of her face, turning her up to face me. “I don’t know what I can do to convince you how much I need you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know that, but we may feel differently after ten or fifteen years…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rey, stop,” I laugh, pulling her head against my chest. “There is no physical way for me to stop loving you. I would die if I didn’t have you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her head curls against my chest as her arms sling over my shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know that, Ben,” she whispers._ _ _ _ _ _

______I close my eyes, resting my cheek against her hair._ _ _ _ _ _

______She calls me that every once in a while, when, according to her, she’s unable to express how much she loves me. In a way, the name has become another way for her to say “I love you”._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you think you’ll get tired of me?” I ask curiously._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No. Never.”_ _ _ _ _ _


	44. Chapter 44

Rey P.O.V.

“Rey, do you realize that this is your last week as an unmarried woman?” Poe asks me as I walk out into the living room with the new dress I bought for the dinner party. 

“Yes Poe, you don’t think that’s the only thing that’s been on my mind every second of every day?” 

“That looks really nice,” Finn nods, quickly looking me over in the dress. 

“Agreed, a perfect transition dress,” Poe nods, stepping closer to me to look around me at all angles. “It’s sort of like what you used to wear, but also mature.”

I had gotten a fairly low priced dress at Macy’s, a rich colored strapless, sequin covered cocktail dress. 

“I didn’t realize an engagement party was so symbolic,” I comment. “Does this count as an engagement party?”

“I think it would be classified as a pre-wedding party,” Finn clarifies. 

“Where’s Kylo?” Poe asks, looking around the house as if he might make a dramatic entrance at the sound of his name. “He should be here to witness this fine moment. And we all need to talk.”

“About what?” I ask.

“About Friday night.”

“The night before my wedding? Why?”

“Well, as we’ve established, it will be your final night as an unmarried woman. The last night you’re allowed to sleep anywhere other than with your husband.”

I narrow my eyes at him, crossing my arms over my chest. 

“Poe Dameron, if this is leading to you giving me a bachelorette party-”

“No!” he and Finn exclaim. 

“We think you should have a sleepover at our place one last time, for old time’s sake,” Finn explains. 

“After all, it’ll probably be our last one. We haven’t even had one since you moved in with Kylo, once you marry him, we’ll definitely never get another chance.”

I smile down at my feet, feeling a slight sting of sadness at the truth of his words. This really is going to be a huge change in my life in more ways than I’ve considered.

I also feel a wave of relief that he hadn’t set up some insane, overly sexual bachelorette party where there would no doubt be an assortment of strippers I’d have to juggle. 

“And it has to be the night before your wedding,” Poe adds. 

“Yes. Everyone knows you have to spend your final night away from your fiance until you see him at the altar.”

“Really?” I ask, unconvinced. “Everyone knows that?”

“Everyone,” Poe confirms. 

I sigh, my hands falling to my sides, dropping along the baggy material of the dress. 

“That sounds really nice,” I admit. They’re right, now that they brought it up, I do really miss the crazy sleepovers we used to have. And it would be symbolic for me to have one last night as Rey Kenobi before I fully embrace becoming Rey Solo. 

“Great!” Poe shouts excitedly. “Fuck, I can’t wait.” 

“How are you doing with all of this?” Finn asks me. I turn to face him as he takes my hand. “It’s all happening so fast, and… it’s a lot.”

“I’m a little scared,” I disclose, holding his hand tightly in mine. “But really, I just want to get it all over and done with. It’ll be nice to be able to call Kylo more than just my boyfriend.” 

“I think his mind is in the same place,” Poe agrees. 

“It’s true,” Finn nods to me. “Everytime I talk to him, all he says is how badly he wants to be married to you already.” 

I bite my lip, blushing as I feel butterflies go through my stomach. 

“And just so you know,” Poe says dramatically, “he hasn’t told me where he’s taking you for your honeymoon. So if he takes you out to the mountains to murder you, there is literally no way we’ll be able to save you.”

“Well, damn. I’m screwed.” 

* * * 

I’ve never been to the restaurant Leia hosts the dinner party at. She had to send Kylo and I one of the invitations she sent out to all the guests because we needed directions to get there. 

I’m actually quite thankful for this pre-wedding dinner, because I’m able to meet most of the people who will be watching me get married tomorrow. It’s quite less stressful than having to meet everyone on the actual day, when my emotions will be skyrocketing and I know I won’t be able to remember a single person’s name. 

After everyone gets here, we all sit at an enormous table Leia reserved, that is thankfully in its own private room, which Kylo greatly appreciates. 

It’s not as uncomfortable as I imagine. I’m surprised to remember a lot of the people from Leia’s party she threw all those years ago when Kylo and I first got together. There’s a lot of conversation, since everyone can’t believe that Ben Solo is marrying that young woman he brought to Leia’s party a few years ago. I tell them that I can’t even believe it myself. 

Thankfully, Poe is also able to entertain most of the guests by recounting the many tales of Kylo and I. I silently pray to myself that he doesn’t bring up the time he walked in on me trying to give Kylo a blowjob. Knowing him, he probably would if there weren’t a ton of people here he just met. 

After eating a very delicious roast beef for dinner, I decide to head to the bathroom to make sure I haven’t smeared my lipstick all over my face, and also to take a little breather from all the attention. 

I stare into the mirror while I re-apply my rose colored lipstick, wondering how my makeup will look tomorrow. Leia is doing both my hair and my makeup since I don’t know how to do anything too elaborate. Tonight I just wore my hair straight and put some dangling gold earrings on, along with the blue stoned bracelet Kylo had gotten me and the black jeweled necklace he got me the first Christmas we spent together. They don’t technically match my dress, but I don’t care. 

_I’m getting married tomorrow… ___

__I don’t know how this all happened so fast. In a way, it feels like I haven’t been with Kylo that long, and in other ways, I feel as if there never was a time he wasn’t here._ _

__I’ve kept my mind focused on tonight, where everything feels normal and light hearted. Fun. Tomorrow will be an entirely different story. Instead of laughing and talking with all these people, I’ll probably be crying in front of them._ _

__The door opens as I put my lipstick away. I turn and lean up against the counter, grinning up at Kylo as he steps into the bathroom._ _

__“You know, you can’t keep coming into the ladies room, Kylo. You’re gonna get caught one of these days.”_ _

__“I don’t think so,” he says, placing his hands on the counter beside me as he leans up against me._ _

__“Oh, you don’t think so?” I laugh as he kisses me on the cheek. “You do realize someone could walk in here literally at any second, right?”_ _

__As if the universe was listening in, the door suddenly bursts open, making me jump ten feet in the air, or at least try to, since Kylo is still leaning up against me and doesn’t seem to react at all._ _

__“We’re here to prevent sex in the bathroom!” I hear Poe call out as he strides into the bathroom. My head falls against my palm._ _

__“And to join in one last unintelligent decision before the wedding,” Finn adds, following behind Poe and closing the door behind them._ _

__“You guys can’t be in here,” I groan as, to my surprise, Kylo starts laughing._ _

__“Are you kidding me, it’s a Thursday night!” Poe says, walking around the stalls. “We’re like, the only ones here.”_ _

__“No, we’re actually not, because… Poe, what the hell?”_ _

__Of course, he starts climbing to the top of the stall, sitting himself down on the ridge._ _

__“So Kylo, where’s your psycho cousin?” Finn asks, following Poe’s lead and pulling himself up on top of one of the stalls. “Wasn’t he invited to the wedding?”_ _

“He’s not coming anywhere _near _us,” Kylo clarifies, turning away from me and walking toward the stalls.__

______“I don’t think he’d want to come,” I point out. “The last time he saw us, I punched him in the face.”_ _ _ _ _ _

____I stare at Kylo in disbelief as he also grabs onto one of the stalls and jumps up to sit on top of it._ _ _ _

____“Kylo, I’m surprised at you!” I berate him. “You’re supposed to be the mature one!”_ _ _ _

____“Even Kylo Ren needs a night off from being a buzzkill,” Finn comments, earning a very pointed glare from Kylo._ _ _ _

_Fuck it._

________I sigh, walking over to one of the stalls and pulling myself up to the stop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know, this is what all the girls used to do in fifth grade whenever they went to the bathroom,” I recall as Poe tries hooking his legs over the stall next to him and swinging over to that one. “Poe, don’t harm yourself, we’re not on a jungle gym.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why did you punch Kylo’s cousin in the face again?” Finn asks as Poe ignores my warnings._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Because he’s an asshole,” Kylo and I answer at the same time._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hey Kylo, I’d like to apologize for the lack of a bachelor party for you,” Poe says, continuing his trek down the stalls until he’s sitting beside Finn. “If it makes you feel any better, Rey’s bachelorette party isn’t very planned out either.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I never wanted a bachelor party,” Kylo replies, looking extremely put off by the idea._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You said it wasn’t a bachelorette party!” I protest._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, it is, a shitty one,” Finn informs me. “We’re just taking her out to a bar, I swear,” he quickly explains, seeing Kylo’s sudden outraged stare._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What bar?” he asks, his glare now turned to Poe._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’ll text you the address, it’s a real low key one,” he promises._ _ _ _ _ _

______Kylo still looks unsure, but before he can interrogate any further, the door to the bathroom swings open._ _ _ _ _ _

______Almost in perfect unison, the four of us jump down from the stalls and quickly close and lock the door of the one we landed in._ _ _ _ _ _

______I stand very still, listening to the lady who’d come into the restroom head into a stall a couple ones down from me. I stay as quiet as possible as I begin to hear very stifled laughter coming from the other side of the bathroom, and I realize Finn and Poe ended up in the same stall._ _ _ _ _ _

_Holy shit, we’re going to get thrown out of the restaurant. In front of all of Leia’s friends. The night before my wedding._

__________For some reason (perhaps a brief moment of hysteria), these thoughts begin to make me struggle to quiet my own laughter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Whoever is in the bathroom thankfully hurries along and leaves soon enough, and I quickly step out of the stall as I hear Finn and Poe burst out laughing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Fuck, you guys can’t keep quiet for five minutes?” Kylo asks as I put my hands to my forehead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I tried standing on top of the toilet and I almost stepped on the flusher,” Finn laughs, nearly keeling over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You all need to leave!” I repeat myself for the hundredth time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Let’s take a selfie in the stall,” Poe says casually._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, that’s happening,” Kylo breathes with sarcasm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Everyone, _out! _.”__

____________“I’m not leaving,” Kylo tells me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yes, you are,” I say pointedly. “I don’t know what mentality is going around that you all think it’s no big deal to be walking into a women’s bathroom…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“She’s right, let’s go before we have to hide again and Finn does step on the flusher this time,” Poe says, walking past me toward the door. “Come along, Kylo!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo just leans up against one of the stalls, looking down at me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you coming?” he asks me as Finn and Poe run back out into the restaurant. I cross my arms, raising my eyebrows at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can a lady not have a moment or two alone?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No,” he smirks, making me roll my eyes. “When you leave me alone out there, people start…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“What? _Talking _to you?”__

____

____

__________I step closer to him, smiling as I pull him toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Alert the authorities,” I sigh dramatically._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you done in here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nods in satisfaction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Good. Let’s go. Unless you’d like to relish in the privacy a while longer. We’re not going to get much for the next twenty four hours.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Truthfully, we haven’t gotten much for the past twenty four days. It will truly be heavenly once we’re able to get away for three whole weeks on our honeymoon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo and I gracefully sneak out of the bathroom and head back to the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Han happens to glance over at us as we return, and from the smirk on his face, I’m afraid he might have guessed where we were._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Everyone starts heading out around eight, off to whatever hotel or house they’re staying at, offering Kylo and I another congratulations before they’ll see us at the wedding tomorrow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I hold tightly to Kylo’s hand as we stand outside, seeing our guests off until Finn and Poe are the only ones left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I turn to Kylo, taking his face in my hands and kissing him firmly on the lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re sure this is ok?” I ask again, looking him in the eye. “I don’t have to go if it makes you uncomfortable.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He stares down at me for a moment, a small smile coming across his face as he gently brushes my hair behind my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No, you should go have fun. It will be the last night you’ll have without me, anyway.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I laugh, nodding in agreement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I wasn’t sure how Kylo would react to me spending the night away from him. Of course, I do think it would be quite fitting for us to spend some time apart before being married. But Kylo and I haven’t slept apart a single night ever since I was abducted, and I know this fact is weighing on his mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Text me when you get to the bar,” he tells me, his hands stroking through my hair. “Text me when you leave the bar, and text me when you’re at Finn and Poe’s.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I will,” I promise him. “Will it bring you any comfort if I tell you that I’ll be just fine?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Not really,” he answers immediately, and I grin sympathetically._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t worry about me, my love. Enjoy your last night as an unmarried man.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“And you enjoy your last night without _me _by your side, scavenger.”__

______________We kiss again before I step away, my hand dropping from his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“We won’t take her to any strip clubs Kylo, I swear on my life,” Poe nods to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yeah, and you know me,” Finn adds. “We’re not going anywhere sketchy. Just for a few drinks and then straight back to our place.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’d better be,” Kylo warns, but I see a hint of a smile behind his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I guess I’ll… see you tomorrow,” I tell him, realizing the next time I see him, I’ll be walking down the aisle toward him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’ll be there,” he replies, nodding to me, his expression telling me not to worry, that everything will be alright. A small measure of comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The three of us pile into Poe’s car, the stereo immediately being turned up as soon as we’re in, Skillet blasting through the speakers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Let’s get fucked up!” Poe shouts and I laugh as we take off away from the restaurant. A much needed wave of exhilaration breezes through me as the music fills the car, Poe and I singing away like we’d always used to do, while Finn sits in the back, questioning our sanity._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________We go to a fairly low key bar, though I guess most bars would be low key on a Thursday night. We order a few drinks, toasting my impending marriage, keeping to ourselves, as promised._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________We get the fantastic idea to watch He Knows You’re Alone once we get back to Finn and Poe’s apartment, which is an eighties slasher movie taking place around a woman’s wedding day. I usually will watch slasher movies that coincide with whatever holiday it happens to be, so I guess this is keeping with my tradition._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It’s the best bachelorette party I could have asked for._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It feels like it used to, for years before Kylo and I got together. When I’d do this with my two best friends every weekend, thinking I’d never be doing anything else. I never imagined I would one day sit here, doing what we’ve always done, while on the eve of my wedding day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________After a feast of popcorn and ice cream sandwiches, Poe is asleep on the floor in a pile of blankets, while Finn and I lay on the couch, the tv quietly playing reruns of The Addams Family._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How are you feeling?” Finn asks me, his voice startling me slightly since I thought he was asleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’m trying not to overthink anything,” I answer, curling myself deeper into the couch. “I’m excited, but at the same time… I’m kind of dreading it to be morning.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“If it makes you feel better, it technically already is morning,” he offers. I nod, glancing over at the clock on the oven that reads that it is twelve seventeen. “At least you have that worry over with?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Ok, then I’m dreading the sun to come up,” I smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m really proud of you, Rey. I can’t believe we actually made it here. You’re going to be someone’s _wife _.”__

______________I close my eyes, the word sounding more and more encouraging every time it’s sound out loud._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Finn, I don’t know how I’m going to get through it tomorrow. I’m going to fall on my face before I even get all the way down the aisle.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re not going to fall. Everyone thinks that. And if I recall correctly, I’ll be walking down there with you, and I won’t be wearing heels, so I’ll hold you up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I graciously remember that Finn had agreed to walk me down the aisle to Kylo. I asked him because it seemed only fitting, since I really don't have anyone else to do it, and I’ve known Finn longer than I’ve known anyone. He’s my brother._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What if I start crying? I can barely speak when I cry, how am I going to be able to get through the vows?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It will all work out. Trust me, you’re not the first woman to go through this. You’ll get through it, and then you’ll run back down the aisle feeling like a million bucks, and then we’ll all go off to the reception. Then that will be that, you’ll be married and you won’t have to make another speech. It will be me and Poe’s turn then.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Have you prepared a speech?” I ask curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’ve come up with a little something. Poe has been rehearsing his every night while we’re making dinner for the past month. It changes every time, so it will be a surprise to me to see which one he ends up going with.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I laugh, knowing that Poe will have an epic soliloquy planned for the dinner. Tonight was basically a practice run for him, I’m sure he’ll be much more _open _at the wedding.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Thank you, Finn,” I say, already feeling the emotions welling up. “I love you and Poe so much…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Now now, save all those tears for tomorrow,” he says, gently kicking his foot against mine form the other side of the couch. I laugh in agreement, quickly pushing my tears away. “For now, here we are, chillin’ with The Addams Family. Just like old times.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Yes. Just like old times. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I slowly drift off to sleep within the next half hour, a smile on my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	45. Chapter 45

Rey P.O.V.

When my eyes slowly open to the soft, fog covered morning light pouring in through the large glass wall on the side of the apartment, it takes a while for me to remember why I feel so anxious. 

I look over to the clock on the oven to see that it is almost eight am, and Finn is in the kitchen making some coffee. 

I close my eyes again, my head slumping back against the couch. Leia told me to be at her house by no later than nine, even though the wedding is officially supposed to start at noon. 

“Rey?” Finn calls over to me, of course being able to tell when I’m trying to fake sleeping. “We’re going to have to leave in a little bit.” 

I sit up after a moment, looking up at him as he walks over. 

“Poe, come on,” he says loudly, reaching down to roughly shake him awake. He doesn’t even stir. “Poe, we have to get going!”

“Wake up, Poe!” I join in, swinging my legs off the couch as a fresh wave of excitement suddenly courses through me. “You’re the best man, you can’t be late.” 

He finally groans loudly as he tries burying himself in the blankets. 

“What time is it?” he asks sleepily. 

“Time to get ready and go,” Finn answers him, yanking the blankets back. “If we’re late bringing Rey to the house, Leia’s gonna fire us.”

“I don’t think that can actually give her grounds to fire you,” I inform him.

“It was a joke, Rey! Now eat your breakfast and brush your teeth and everything, Leia wants us there at nine. Poe, come _on! _”__

“You know something interesting, Finn?” I ask as I go over to the bathroom where my toothbrush I’ve always left here is still waiting for me. “I looked up what a bride calls her maid of honor if he’s a man, and apparently you are deemed as a _man _of honor. How did I not know that?”__

______“I guess I should have done my research,” he replies thoughtfully as he lugs Poe up from his pool of blankets. “Rey, you’re not eating anything?”_ _ _ _ _ _

____“Finn, I couldn’t eat anything right now even if you had five star breakfast out on the table. I don’t want to risk throwing up all over my gown while I’m trying to get my vows out.”_ _ _ _

____I can tell he wants to argue of course, but I think he understands._ _ _ _

____“Alright, just don’t tell your fiance I let you go without eating, or he’ll flip.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m sure I’ll have plenty to feast on at the reception,” I promise. “I’ve seen the menu for the event, and it’s quite extensive.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____After the three of us have woken up efficiently, and Finn and Poe grab their tuxes while I just keep on the sweatpants and sweatshirt I wore to bed, we all head over to Han and Leia’s house around eight thirty._ _ _ _

____Once we get there, it looks as if Leia has been up and running for a good couple of hours now._ _ _ _

____“Ok you boys, get your tuxes on and come and see me so I can fix you up,” she immediately starts directing before we barely step through the door. “Rey, you’re going to come upstairs to my room and I’m going to start with your makeup. It should only take about half an hour, maybe forty minutes.”_ _ _ _

_Forty minutes for makeup? _I don’t think I’ve ever spent that long on my hair, let alone my face.__

________She takes my hand, leading me up the stairs and down the hall to her bedroom, which I’ve never been in until now, and I can see is quite large._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______She sits me down at the large counter in the bathroom where she already has all her supplies out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now, you didn’t want me to go too heavy, correct?” she asks, scooping my hair up into a ponytail and pinning it away from my face.___ _ _ _

________“Uh, yeah…” I reply, gazing down at all the unfamiliar applications with uncertainty, and perhaps a bit of fear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leia grins warmly at my hesitation as she picks up the first bottle of whatever she’s going to put on my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t worry Rey, it will look perfectly natural once I have it all done. And I won’t do too much foundation, because I know you were unsure about that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________True, I didn’t want my entire face to feel like a piece of plastic._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’ve been doing this for years,” she assures me, brushing the cold liquid onto my face. “I know how to do it so you don’t look like a circus clown.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I just don’t want to look too different,” I tell her, imagining it would be quite awkward for Kylo, and me for that matter, if we confess our love to each other while I look like a completely different person._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Finn and Poe come in when Leia is about halfway done with my makeup, looking very dapper in their tuxedos. Poe has on a nice looking brown one, while Finn has a dark grey one. They asked me if they needed to coordinate with anything, and I didn’t think so, since we don’t have any groomsmen technically, so I just told them to get whatever colors they wanted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You boys look very nice,” Leia approves when they stride into the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“As always,” Poe bows his head. “Reyzy, I see you’re beginning to come together.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m trying very hard not to freak out,” I admit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t be nervous, Rey,” Finn insists. “It will be over before you know, and then you’ll be married to your man.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That’s what I keep reminding myself as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It does indeed take Leia about forty minutes before she finishes with my makeup. But I have to say, it does look pretty amazing. Of course you can tell I have lipstick and eyeshadow and eyeliner on, but it’s very toned down, and everything else looks very natural._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Now, for your hair,” Leia continues, quickly putting away all the makeup supplies, leaving the abundance of hairstyling supplies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“This is my fortay as well, I was always known for having the best hairstyles back in the day.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Is that so?” Poe asks, sounding impressed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“This is going to take about an hour, so if you boys want to go downstairs and get something to eat, or maybe see the backyard…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They both practically bolt out of the room, all of us nearly forgetting that the backyard is completely decked out for the wedding. Leia sent me a few pictures, and I’ve seen the actual decorations in person, but not the finished product._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“When do you think Kylo will get here?” I ask her as she begins brushing out my hair after taking it down form the ponytail._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She glances over at the clock in the bedroom that reads it is well past ten am._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Any minute now,” she answers. “As well he’d better, because I need to look him over after I’m done with your hair.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leia ends up pulling my hair back into a sort of half ponytail that looks more like a crown going down around my head, somehow made out of only my hair. She then curls the rest of it in a way that makes it bounce slightly when I move my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It does take quite a while for her to perfect it, but the end result looks like it should be on a salon poster. I’ll never know how she was able to get my hair to look like that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I rush over to the window in her bedroom after she’s done to look out the window down at the driveway. Sure enough, my Honda that Kylo drove today is here, and I feel my panic start to go down just a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You can go ahead and get into your dress,” Leia says, pulling it out of her closet and handing it to me. After we got the alterations done, I had her keep it here because I didn’t want Kylo to see it until today. “I’m going down to make sure Kylo’s ready to go, then I’ll come back up and help you with your veil.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I don’t say anything, but gaze down in wonder at the gown in my hands. I try snapping myself out of my daze enough to get it out of the plastic and onto my body, but everything suddenly seems to be moving in slow motion, and I’m worrying if not eating was maybe not the best idea. I hadn’t considered the possibility of fainting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leia comes back in to help me zip up, and I immediately ask her how Kylo is doing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“He’s nervous,” she replies, sounding surprised herself. “He was pacing around back and forth as if you’re about to just come down the stairs any second.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I smile to myself, easily imagining this scenario._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How are you feeling?” she asks me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, more nervous than him, I’m sure. At least he’s not the one in the huge dress about to have everyone’s eyes intently focused on him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Very true,” she admits._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How are you feeling?” I ask her, feeling guilty that I haven’t even considered the emotions she must be going through, seeing her son getting married._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’ve been thinking about this day for nearly thirty years,” she sighs, her voice indeed filled with the stress of thinking about this extensively. “Always imagining what everything would look like, who his wife would be… or husband. I wouldn’t judge.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I hope I’ve lived up to the expectations,” I say teasingly, though genuinely hoping she isn’t disappointed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, Rey,” she grins, turning me around to face her and finishing straightening out the soft fabric of the skirt. “You exceeded them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I try to stifle the tears that want to spill already while Leia starts helping me with all of my accessories. I realize that, in another life perhaps, my own mother is supposed to be helping me with all of this. My mother who is probably still out there somewhere. But Leia has become the only mother I’d ever want, the mother I’d spent my entire childhood wishing for. She’s always treated me like her own daughter, even before I got involved with Kylo._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Of course, now isn’t the time for me to be thanking her for all of this, because I don’t want to ruin the beautiful job she’s done with my makeup._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We put my jewelry on first. I didn’t want too much, since I already have a sparkly belt around the waist of the dress. I have a pair of silver teardrop shaped crystal earrings, not too big, but enough that you can see them past my hair. They’re a bit heavy when I put them in, but I don’t think they’re real, or else they’d probably yank my ears down a whole inch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Then I have a small, white glittery necklace that looks like a small garland of flowers hanging neatly around my neck. It’s a piece of costume jewelry I found at this place called Charlie’s we went to after I got my dress. It was only ten bucks, but paired with my gown, it looks like much more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I chose not to go with a bracelet, since I think my engagement ring (that I’ve been nervously rubbing in my fingers for the past few hours) decorates my hand enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I put my shoes on next, a relatively comfortable pair of white peep toe heels covered in a shimmering layer of sparkles. And finally, Leia puts my veil on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s made of very thin tool, just one layer down my back, and then another to hang over my face. It’s outlined with twinkling crystals and an array of sequins are sprinkled throughout the material._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She pins it in toward the top of my head, pulling it up and over my shoulders so that it surrounds me. We leave it behind my head for now, I’ll pull it over before the ceremony starts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She steps back, looking me over with a warm smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Rey… you look beautiful.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I do feel beautiful. The feeling of the soft veil draped around my shoulders, the cold thin silk of the gown spilling around me. My hair feels soft around my neck and shoulders. I can feel the many jewels on me glistening every inch I turn._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leia places her arm against me when she sees the amazed smile spreading across my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To my shock, it’s nearly twelve pm and time for the ceremony to begin. Leia quickly leads me from the bedroom, holding onto me as we go down the stairs so I don’t slip in my heels, and we see Finn, Poe, Han, and Chewie all waiting for us downstairs. I almost don’t recognize Han all dressed up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Rey _,” Finn breathes, his eyes widening as I step into the living room. His hand goes to his mouth as Han grins knowingly, while Leia goes off to grab something from the kitchen.__

____________“I am… at a loss for words,” Poe says, the words sounding foreign coming from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I realize I’m not standing very lady-like: I have my arms draped over each other, my fingers madly fiddling with each other while my legs kick bashfully around on the floor, though that doesn’t much matter since my dress covers my entire bottom half._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Is Ben here?” I ask, looking around as if he might be waiting in the corner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He’s waiting for you,” Han answers, nodding his head toward the door in the back of the room that leads to the yard. I turn to look back, trying to see through the door to where everyone is sitting, but I think everything is set up further down, out of sight from here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My first instinct is to stride right out there to see Kylo, but my stomach jumps into my throat when I realize that’s exactly what I’m about to do. With a ton of people watching me before I speak the most important words of my life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Leia comes back into the living room, my bouquet in her hands. It’s a waterfall style, made of thick petaled, velvety white and sharp red petals with silver decorations dusted in between._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The soft petals brush against my wrist as I take the bouquet from her, and she leads me over to a small, full length mirror that has been set up in the corner of the living room, where their Christmas tree usually goes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I stare at myself in the glass, stunned by the image gazing back at me. A bride. A princess. What I always dreamed of looking when I was little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I grip the bouquet tightly in my hands, knowing I’ll be strangling the life out of it for the next few minutes. Leia and Han head out into the back, telling me something I can’t hear, before joining everyone outside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m sure Han’s glad you two finally came downstairs,” Poe says, stepping over toward the couch. “He’s had to greet all the guests since Leia wasn’t here to do it. He looked pretty jolly about that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Well, I’m sure Kylo’s real happy about having all the eyes on him while he waits for you out there,” Finn comments._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“When are we supposed to go?” I ask, turning away from the mirror._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You two wait about thirty seconds after the music starts playing,” Poe tells us. “The flower girl is going to go, and then you two follow. It’s the shortest wedding procession in history.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Good, people won’t get bored,” Finn says as I walk over toward him, where he’s standing a bit by the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Aren’t you supposed to already be out there?” I ask Poe, thinking he should be standing up with Kylo and Leia’s friend from Crait who’s marrying us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m making a graceful entrance,” he informs me. “Besides,” he places his hands comfortingly on my shoulders, “I wanted to make sure you aren’t going to pass out before you have a chance to get out there.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think I’ll be ok,” I smile. “But… how long do you think these things take?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“This is why we should have had a rehearsal,” Finn says, glancing out the door to the waiting audience. “What are they doing out there, when are we starting?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They’re probably waiting for Poe!” I laugh, pushing him playfully before pulling him in for a hug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Alright, alright, don’t get all teary eyed yet,” he says, though his voice is significantly less light-hearted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thank you, Poe,” I whisper, trying not to rub my makeup off on his tux._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“For what?” he laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“For being the most interesting person I’ve ever known. And for being such a good friend. Without your constant encouragement, I don’t even think I’d have a boyfriend yet.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He laughs quietly as we pull apart. I can see in his eyes a look I don’t often see in him: seriousness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“And you always got so irritated when I got on your case about finding yourself a man,” he grins, trying to hide his sudden emotional state. I grin as he squeezes my hand reassuringly. “Now, I am going out there to hold the rings you and your fiance will be wearing for the rest of your lives. Even though now you’ve got me all emotional, Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I roll my eyes, grinning as he walks past me, toward the back door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ll see you out there, my love,” he says to Finn before kissing him on the lips. “Rey,” he turns back to me. I look up at him as he nods. “The next time we speak, you’ll be a married woman.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I grin back at him as he heads out into the backyard, off toward the altar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Finn walks up to me, taking ahold of my hand and pulling me over toward the door once I’ve stood frozen for a while. I shake myself awake, both hands gripping the bouquet as Finn steps in front of me and adjusts my veil so that it’s hanging down over my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He then steps beside me, taking my arm that I immediately grab, comforted that I have my best friend here to hang onto while I do this. I can’t imagine walking down the aisle alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s just going to be scary at this part,” Finn says, his tone sounding as it always has: comforting and rational, which I appreciate with all my heart. I’m also glad that he’s talking instead of letting us wait anxiously in the empty silence for the music to start. “After this, you’ll feel a lot better, you and Kylo will take your pictures, then we’ll have a few drinks, and then the reception… then you’re off on your honeymoon, am I right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That beautiful thought instantly excites me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I dig my nails into the thick stem of the bouquet, trying not to dig them into Finn’s arm. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thank you for everything, Finn.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He looks down at me, smiling a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Of course. You’re my sister, Rey. I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thank you for being there for me when I didn’t have any family. There hasn’t been a single day you haven’t been here for me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He stands there next to me for a moment while I turn my head to look up at him. He smiles down warmly at me, as he gently touches his head against mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“And I still will be here for you, Reyzy,” he swears to me. “Everyday. Even though you’re married.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I laugh to myself before taking another deep breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The music starts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I can do this… I can do this… ___


	46. Chapter 46

Kylo P.O.V.

Standing here awkwardly in front of a crowd of people waiting to see me get married is not exactly how I imagined my wedding day to go. Thankfully, Poe jogging out into the field, gracefully sliding in next to me and the officiant and taking the pillow with the rings on it as if he’s been here the whole time, gives everyone some entertainment. 

Meanwhile, I’m stuck here adjusting and re-adjusting myself. I’ve never worn a tux in my life, and Leia has made me put a bunch of product in my hair to make it smoother or something. So I really feel like a fool standing in front of all these people, praying that the music will start so we can get on with this. I know I’ll feel better once Rey is up here with me, not just because I know the gaze will be off of me, but because I’ll at least have someone to focus on.

Thankfully, after Leia has concluded talking with everyone she needs to and getting everyone sitted down at their seats, she nods over to the guy standing by the speakers to start playing the music while she goes to sit beside Luke and Han. 

It’s some kind of classical music Rey had picked out, so it’s not too corny. But I’m hardly listening. 

Everyone simultaneously turns their heads to look back toward the house, where the long white carpet leads back to and where the flower girl, who I guess is the daughter of one of Leia’s close friends from Alderaan, is walking down now, happily tossing bright red petals down on the carpet. 

I don’t realize my hands are crushing together in the ridiculous pose Leia had told me to keep while I stood here waiting, my eyes gazing intently at the two figures who begin walking down the carpet toward us. 

Rey and Finn finally come into focus as they approach the aisle, Rey’s flowing white gown illuminated by the soft glowing sun.  
My heart catches in my throat as I gaze upon my beautiful bride, her gown softly sweeping around her, a thin sparkling veil surrounding her head all the way down to her waist. A thin necklace glitters around her neck, her dark red ring blinking in the sun, matching the red roses in her bouquet and the flowers and thick ribbons decorating the aisles. 

The shimmer covering her white heels flashes in the light as she steps closer to me, her eyes looking into me through the veil when she and Finn approach the altar. 

He unlinks his arm from hers, taking her hand and giving it to me. I glance only briefly at him to see him nod surely at me, a brief hint of a smile on his lips. Rey turns slightly toward him, handing him the bouquet which he takes from her before stepping back off onto the grass while she turns back to me. 

I hold her hands reassuringly in mine before releasing them, my hands briefly sweeping up along her arms as I touch the tips of the veil, raising it and tossing it lightly over her head where it falls down along her back. 

I gaze into her slightly fearful eyes that stare back at me, looking infinitely more relaxed.

I can see her face clearly, light touches of makeup along her lips and eyes, a bit on her cheeks to make them a soft shade of pink. Her lips are a ruby colored red, matching the color of the ring and the decorations. Her eyes are darker, gentle black eyeliner along her lids, thick mascara on her lashes. 

Her brown and amber highlighted hair has been curled, falling to her shoulders loosely, but pulled back from her face, showcasing every perfect detail of her. 

I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. 

My hands go back to hers, gripping them tightly, though not as tightly as she grasps onto mine. I grin at her as everything fades away and she and I are the only two people out here. I pull her along to this blissful place with me as the ceremony begins, the officiant making an opening speech, welcoming everyone who has come to witness our “union”. 

He continues on, recounting to everyone the meaning of marriage, how this day will represent our eternal love, all of that stuff. I couldn’t tell you exactly what the man said even a second after he announces it. I’m lost in the eyes of my bride as we silently communicate to each other in the way we’ve always been able to do. 

After an amount of time I can’t determine has passed, the officiant declares that it is time for us to exchange our vows. 

We decided to go with just traditional ones, where he tells us what to say and we repeat after him, since I know if we’d come up with our own, I’d stumble over every word and probably forget most of it, just wanting to get this over so I can be married to her already. 

I go first, and I begin to see her breathing become heavier, meaning she’s trying to calm herself down before she starts crying.

These words used to mean nothing to me. You hear them all the time _“I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward,” _etc. I always thought they were just empty promises, well written phrases to make everything more dramatic, or to make everyone start crying.__

__But the words weigh heavily in my mind and in the silent air of the field as I promise to Rey that I will always be with her, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, as long as we both shall live._ _

_And an eternity after that._

______It’s her turn to speak, and she manages to hold herself together quite well, even though her voice clearly begins to shake when she begins. I myself begin to feel a lump in my throat that I quickly shake off, never thinking I’d even consider crying in front of all of these people._ _ _ _ _ _

____Rey finishes her vows, blinking a few tears from her eyes as she does, and I resist the urge to reach out and brush them away from her face as the officiant calls Poe over for the rings._ _ _ _

____We both take one of the shiny silver bands from the pillow, while Poe grins proudly at us._ _ _ _

____Rey takes the band and slides it onto my ring finger. I was worried I wouldn’t like wearing a ring because I’d be constantly worried about it falling off or getting stuck in something, but it fits perfectly, and I’ll be able to get used to it always being there, since I have no plans of ever taking it off._ _ _ _

____I slide her band onto her finger, connecting it against her engagement ring. I look back into her eyes as we take hands again while the officiant introduces us as husband and wife._ _ _ _

____I barely even wait for the words “you may kiss the bride” to come out of his mouth before I take Rey’s face in my hands and pull her close to me, my lips finally joining with hers, sealing our marriage._ _ _ _

____A soft roar or applause from the guests fills the air as I feel Rey’s arms circle around my back, her hands curling up through my hair as her soft lips press against mine._ _ _ _

____We don’t pull apart for a while, but I wish we could stay like this longer._ _ _ _

____We turn back toward the aisle as people stand up, continuing to cheer as I take her hand firmly in mine and we practically run back down the carpet toward the house._ _ _ _

____I know that we’ll only have maybe a second or two alone once we get back inside, so as soon as we do, I grab her around the waist, pushing her against the wall and crashing my lips against her, my tongue pushing into her mouth as she tears her hands through my hair._ _ _ _

____I run my hands over the thick, rippled fabric that covers her torso, my fingertips brushing against the soft silk draping around her waist._ _ _ _

____I pull away to look at her again as she laughs, her eyes staring widely up at me as I cup her face in my hands._ _ _ _

____“You look so beautiful,” I tell her, unable to suppress the wide smile that spreads over my face. “I love you so much.”_ _ _ _

“Stars, Kylo, we’re _married _,” she whispers giddily, making me laugh with her.__

________“Holy shit!” we hear a very identifiable voice shout as the door opens behind us. I turn around to see Poe, Finn, Luke, and my parents come into the house. “See Rey, you did great! I told you there was nothing to worry about.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______My mother embraces me tightly, and I can see she’s been crying a bit. Finn, Rey, and Poe all hug each other as well, and I hear Rey start crying harder._ _ _ _ _ _

______I pull away from Leia, giving Han a quick nod as he walks over to me, his hand clapping against my shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m proud of you, Ben,” he grins, his tone solemn. “You’ve come a long way.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thanks,” I reply, offering him a small grin back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now, Rey, we have to redo your makeup before we head to the venue to take the pictures,” Leia says, quickly pulling Rey out of her huddle and leading her back toward the stairs. I’m about to follow until Leia calls back once more._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Han, Luke, you two make sure the boys look good, they’ll be in the pictures too! I’ll be done with Rey in a minute.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Rey turns back to give me a small shrug before she and Leia go back into the bedroom to touch up her makeup._ _ _ _ _ _

______Fuck, I’m married to the woman and I still can’t get her to myself._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Congratulations, Ben,” Luke tells me as Finn and Poe begin checking themselves over to make sure they look picture-worthy._ _ _ _ _ _

______Of course, there are many things I could say to Luke. I realize I wouldn’t be standing here at my wedding without him. I might be in the hospital, Rey might have left me by now without his help._ _ _ _ _ _

______But all I can manage right now is to return his smile and accept his outstretched hand._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you,” I tell him, the words holding much more weight than they sound._ _ _ _ _ _

______We go outside to the limo Leia had rented for the day, and wait for her and Rey. I don’t see why we need a whole limo, we’re only driving to a couple places to take pictures and then to some place to have cocktails. But of course, my mother insists on having everything top notch._ _ _ _ _ _

______They finally come back outside, Rey holding up her dress as she runs up to me. I meet her halfway, taking her into my arms and spinning her around as she laughs._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kylo, what did you put in your hair?!” she asks, her hands brushing up and down through my hair. “I thought it was soft before, but it feels like silk.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I was forced to put some weird conditioner and something called volumizer in it to make it look less messy,” I inform her, remembering Leia’s exact words._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, it feels amazing. As soon as I saw you when I walked out, I had to stop myself from touching it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I laugh as I lead her back to the limo, opening the door and letting Leia get in first before she and I do._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, you can touch it as much as you’d like,” I tell her as I sit next to her in the slippery leather seat of the limo._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Not too much,” Leia warns as the driver closes the door for us and goes to get in the front. “We have a whole bunch of photos to take, you too need to look presentable.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sorry Rey, no pulling his hair just yet,” Poe says, making me want to slap my palm to my face, even though the idea excites me greatly._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Poe! _” Rey berates him as Leia, Han, and Luke seem to wish they were anywhere but here right now.__

__________The drive to the place we’re taking the pictures at isn’t too long, which is why I’m confused why we needed a limo. We go to this huge park where there’s a big pond and a few trees that will look good in the background apparently. The photographer is already here waiting when we arrive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I’ve never liked people taking pictures of me. Ever. I’m able to tolerate it today of course, but at the end of the day, we still have to spend two hours taking pictures of us just kind of holding each other and smiling, and then some of just Rey alone, then her and Finn and Poe, then all four of us. I try not to be in too many, but I am the groom, so I can’t really get out of it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I try to distract myself most of the time just looking at Rey. Knowing that I’m officially married to the kindest, most beautiful woman on the planet. I never thought this would ever happen to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________By the time we’re done with the photos, it’s two pm, so we have an hour before the reception starts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We go out to a small cocktail place where Leia has reserved a table for us. Of course, we’re the object of attention when we walk in, Rey in particular who is still in her big wedding gown. She had taken her veil off and left it in the limo so it won’t get caught on anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I can tell she isn’t too fond of all the stares she gets while we sit at our table and wait for our drinks, but I can’t help feeling a bit proud, making sure my arm is around her at all times so everyone who looks knows that she’s mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That may seem like I’m trying to show off a bit, but really it’s just to get everyone to back off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“To the lovely bride and the dashingly handsome groom,” Poe toasts as we all raise our glasses, Rey blushing furiously as some people sitting around us start applauding. I kiss her warmly on the cheek before we drink our strange fruity cocktails._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Yes, I finally gave in and allowed the others to convince me to order a Tequila Sunrise, something I never would have even considered ordering in my life. But, if there is a time for me to try it, it’s today._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s a bright red, orange, and yellow concoction that looks pretty much like they blended fruit juice, alcohol, and ten gallons of sugar. Which is exactly what it tastes like._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Fuck _,” I choke, setting it down after taking a confident sip.__

____________“Oh, come on!” Finn and Poe both groan at the same time as I quickly grab a glass of water to wash away the sugary aftertaste._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How does this shit not give you guys a migraine?” I ask as Rey continues nonchalantly sipping from her drink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Ben, you’ve always been so sensitive to sugar,” Han says, taking down his whiskey practically in one gulp without so much as flinching._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That’s true,” Leia nods in agreement. “Whenever he ate ice cream when he was younger he’d get a raging headache the next day and I had to take him out of school early because he’d throw up…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Fuck me,” I mutter to myself, my head sinking into my hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Babe, I didn’t know it makes you throw up,” Rey says, looking at me sadly, while also trying not to laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It _used _to make me throw up,” I clarify.__

______________“Leia, please tell us more stories about what Kylo was like when he was a child,” Finn pleads. “We need more embarrassing material.”  
I’d protest, but I know I’ve already lost this battle. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Hence, the rest of our cocktail party consists of my parents, and even Luke pitching in once in a while, telling stories about me and my childhood escapades while I feel like burying my face in Rey’s shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I definitely wasn’t a troublemaker as a child, and I personally think my parents were lucky with my teenage years because I wasn’t out getting drunk and whipping my car down the street like many others my age were doing. Still, I suppose I had my blunders. And Han and Leia aren’t hesitating to get into every single one of them in detail._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________We start to finish up and head back to the house a little after two thirty so we have enough time to get ourselves together before all the guests start coming back for the reception, which will be another six hours._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I told Leia we have to end it by nine, since I’m taking Rey an hour away for our honeymoon and I want to be able to get there before midnight, and that means the reception had to start a three pm sharp in order for us to fit in everything planned out for the party. That includes Rey and I dancing alone in the middle of the crowd while they all stand and watch us. So that should be interesting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________All I have to do is keep reminding myself that by tonight, Rey and I will be off miles away from here, in a world of our own for three whole weeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	47. Chapter 47

Rey P.O.V.

The reception is held in the field behind the house where the ceremony took place, but apparently Leia had a whole crew come and redecorate for the party. There are huge tables set up all in a circle, decorated with the same utensils she always uses for her dinner parties, except now, large vases of red and white roses are set along the tables. 

They’ve set up a pavilion for where we’re supposed to dance and open the wedding gifts that are all placed along a tables off to the side of the dance floor. There are huge speakers set up with Poe’s phone plugged into them, ready to start the six hour long playlist he and I spent forever setting up. We chose an assortment of slow songs, dance songs, metal songs, rap song, pretty much a dose of everything. 

Apparently, Kylo and I are supposed to make an epic entrance, and Poe said he’s picked out the song for us to walk in to, but he wouldn’t tell us what it is. So naturally, Kylo’s a bit nervous about that. 

“I swear, if he’s gonna play one of those stupid Maroon 5 songs…”

“Kylo, relax,” I say, putting my hands on his shoulders and turning him towards me. “I can assure you, his goal is not to embarrass you.” 

He looks like he’s about to respond, but then just grins thoughtfully.

“What?” I ask in confusion. 

“That’s the first lie you’ve ever told me since we’ve been married,” he points out. 

“ _Oh _,” I groan, shoving him away playfully. He catches my wrists and pulls me up against him so my chest presses into his. His lips touch against mine as his hands trace up my arms, brushing over my shoulders and along my neck.__

__“I can’t believe we have another six hours until we can leave,” he whispers in exasperation and I laugh against his shoulder._ _

__“It’ll be fun,” I smile as I pull away from him, looking brightly into his eyes. “This is the easy part, remember?”_ _

__“Except for the part where we have to slow dance in front of an entire crowd of people watching our every move.”_ _

__“Did I tell you how unbelievably handsome you look?” I ask, my hands curling under his jacket and around his waist._ _

__He grins, looking down at me before raising his hands to my hips._ _

__“Did anyone tell you it would be a little on the nose to wear a white dress for our wedding?” he asks, his fingers tracing along my waist._ _

__“Actually, I didn’t even think of that,” I admit, snickering guiltily. “We really should have done our research. And I should have worn a black dress.”_ _

__“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter what you wear.” He turns his head to glance out the back door leading to the field. “Now, we’d better be ready for our cue, or my mom’s going to kill us for ruining our wedding.”_ _

__I grab my bouquet and we stand by the glass door, gripping each other’s hand as we peer out into the field to see what everyone’s doing. It looks like they all have taken their seats, so Kylo and I stand at the ready to make our entrance._ _

__And when we hear the first few chords of Everybody Talks by Neon Trees, we know it’s time to go. And Kylo is quite relieved we’re not entering to a Maroon 5 song._ _

__Making the entrance is actually rather fun. Everyone cheers as we run out onto the field, hand in hand, while the chorus to the song blasts over the speakers. I find myself laughing giddily amongst the exhilaration, and even Kylo is smiling happily as we walk gracefully through the beautiful set up and over to our place at the middle of the table set up on the right side of the circle, where Han, Leia, Luke, Finn, and Poe will also be sitting._ _

__Once we’ve sat down and Poe fades the music out, the buzz dies down as Leia rises to make the welcome speech._ _

__She re-welcomes everyone to the reception, thanking them for coming, and giving them a brief rundown on how the night is going to go. Being Leia, she likes to make sure everyone is one hundred percent clear on what we’re doing so there’s no confusion._ _

__She then concludes by saying how amazing it’s been to witness the love between Ben and I grow and how exciting it is to welcome me into their family. And that tonight, we will celebrate our love and marriage that will last a lifetime. And longer than that, I hope._ _

__After she finishes her brief speech, everyone applauds again, and she announces it is now time for the first dance. I can practically feel Kylo tense up beside me as he grabs my hand tighter in his. I know he gets really self conscious about people watching him, and I don’t like it much either, but somehow, dancing in front of everyone seems much less stressful than standing and giving very personal vows in front of them._ _

__We rise from the table and walk over to the pavilion, stepping onto the marble floor as Poe rushes back over to do the music. Leia insisted to him that she’d hire a DJ, but Poe considers himself the master of musical tastes, so there is no way he’d let anyone else handle what will be playing at the wedding. I’m pretty certain he’ll even DJ his own wedding one day._ _

__Kylo takes my waist while I put my hand on his shoulder and hold his other hand like we did back in Naboo._ _

__Poe begins playing Halo by Beyoncé, which I know makes Kylo want to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t. I just bite my lip trying not to laugh, because I never thought that I’d ever in my life be slow dancing with Kylo Ren to a Beyoncé song at our wedding._ _

__It’d be weird if we talk to each other because everyone would be listening in, even though the music is playing._ _

__So we just gaze at each other while the music plays, talking to each other in our own way as we slowly sway to the song, trying to imagine it’s just us._ _

__Kylo begins to get the hang of things once the song picks up, and he swings me out and twirls me around, taking me quite by surprise. He even grabs me around the waist and spins me around in a circle, making my gown swirl behind me._ _

__When the song ends, we’ve basically forgotten anyone else was here. Everyone cheers again before Poe invites everyone to join us on the dance floor while he starts up Salvation by Skillet._ _

__We dance for about ten more minutes, a nice variety of slow and fast songs. Kylo really doesn’t want to fast dance, but I clutch his hand in a vice grip to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. As long as we just kind of spin around and swing each other out and around to the beat of the music and don’t jump around waving our arms like everyone else is, I think he’s good._ _

__After that, we’re all invited back to the table for the first course, which is just appetizers consisting of a fresh fruit station where people can pick from an assortment of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and brightly colored green or purple grapes. There’s also Moroccan chicken skewers, which are quite good as well._ _

__I devour everything right away, since I realize I literally haven't eaten anything. I still try to limit how much I eat so that I’ll still be hungry for dinner and cake._ _

__“Rey?” Kylo asks me quietly as I stuff my face with blueberries and chicken._ _

__“Hm?” I ask, leaning my head toward him so I can hear him over the chatter of the crowd._ _

__“Did you eat anything today?”_ _

__I know I don’t have to answer him, since he’s able to read me like a book._ _

__“If I ate anything this morning I would have been sick,” I insist as he gives me a disapproving look. “I’m sorry,” I laugh. “What if I threw up on you? Then it wouldn’t have mattered if I ate or not.”_ _

__“What am I going to do with you?” he asks, his hand curling around my thigh as I continue shoving chicken in my mouth. I shrug, leaning back in my chair as I glance down at his hand on my leg._ _

__“I suppose I’ll find out later tonight,” I say nonchalantly, careful to avoid his no doubt eager gaze as he glances back up at me._ _

__People start getting up and walking around the field, admiring the decorations, or enjoying the appetizers. Kylo and I go around to all of the guests and try to visit with all of them, thanking them for coming._ _

__I’m not really sure what you’re supposed to discuss with guests you don’t really know at your wedding, and I know Kylo won’t take control of the conversation, so we pretty much let them direct the discussions, which mostly consist of them asking little things like how did we meet, where was our first date, where was our first kiss, etc._ _

__Some of the questions we have to change the answers up a little bit, since we’re not really sure how people would react to the fact that Kylo and I weren’t sure of our feelings for one another until we had very quick, and almost mindless sex._ _

__Dinner is served at five thirty, and we all return to our seats to see the Filet Mignon with a side of crunchy green beans and grilled baked potatoes being brought out. It’s a mouth watering vision._ _

__It’s actually pretty silent during the first half hour of dinner, because the main course is divine. It might just be because I haven’t eaten all day and have worked up quite an appetite through stress, but this may be one of the best meals I’ve ever had. There’s even deep concentration in Kylo’s eyes as he devours his serving._ _

__After everyone has mostly finished with their first and second helpings of dinner, it’s time for the toasts._ _

__Poe nearly knocks over the table jumping out of his seat in his eagerness to begin his speech, grabbing the microphone and his champagne glass. I sit back in my chair, turning to look up at Poe while Kylo leans his face against his fist, looking a bit uneasy as we all wait for whatever Poe is about to say._ _

__“Ladies and gentlemen,” he begins, turning and glancing around at all the guests. “I would like to thank each and every one of you for being here to experience the long awaited union of Rey Kenobi and Kylo Ren. Known to some as Ben Solo. I for one, prefer the latter, since that would make our lovely bride’s new name into Rey Solo, rather than Rey Ren, which is quite a tongue twister.”_ _

__Right off the bat, Poe earns himself some laughs._ _

__“But personally,” he continues, “I always knew him as Kylo. Kylo Ren, the scariest, moodiest guy at First Order that we’d all bend over backwards to avoid.”_ _

__More laughs, and Kylo pushes his face against his hand even harder, looking a bit embarrassed, but with a small grin hiding behind his hand._ _

__“I am going to tell you all, the very interesting story of how these two came to be together.”_ _

__Well, that could take all night and into the morning._ _

__“As I said, Kylo was the moodiest guy in the building. We knew him well, feared him well. Finn, my man here,” he gestures down to where Finn is sitting next to me, “and myself had our own personal enemies from ‘the other side of the floor’. I had Hux, he had Phasma. But Rey… she had Kylo. The two couldn’t go a full day without at least giving each other some backhanded snarky comment.”_ _

__Everyone looks incredibly surprised by this, and I find myself thinking back to those days as almost foreign to me now._ _

__“She’d complain about him non-stop, how brooding and negative he was, how weird it was that he hated everyone around him…”  
I glance guiltily back at Kylo, giving him a hopeful smile as he narrows his eyes playfully at me. _ _

__“She couldn’t stand the man,” he concludes amongst amused murmurs from the crowd. “And it seemed like he couldn’t stand her. And then…. He helped her out one night.”_ _

__He shrugs as he looks out at his audience, a few of them grinning warmly as they look over at Kylo, my Knight in Shining Armor._ _

__“He helped her out a couple times. Why? Well, I guess now that we all look back on it, it’s because he liked her.”_ _

__The crowd snickers in response, and even Han chuckles a bit._ _

__“And Rey decided that she wanted to become closer with this man, because maybe, he wasn’t all that bad after all. Now, my friends, it is my belief that constant bickering and nagging is the perfect concoction to a strong relationship. Because constant nagging and bickering means you are constantly paying attention. And what is love if not attention? Knowing someone inside and out, all their faults, all of their flaws, every single detail that drives you absolutely out of your mind.”_ _

__Poe turns to look directly at us and I return his gaze, my eyes filling with tears as I reach out to grasp Kylo’s hand._ _

__“These two have been through a lot. Some hard times, and great times. And as far apart as they once were, I can hardly remember a time when one of them hasn’t been without the other. Whether they’re getting on each other’s nerves, or making out.”  
I feel myself turn pink as the guests chuckle once again. Poe raises his glass toward us. _ _

__“Kylo and Rey are the perfect couple of you ask me. And I know they’ll continue existing in this haven they’ve found with each other until the day they die, and probably long after that. So let’s all make a toast to this gorgeous young woman and her amazingly sexy man.”_ _

__I can practically feel Kylo wanting to curl into himself._ _

__“To Rey and Ben,” Poe grins. Everyone raises their own glasses, repeating Poe’s words before taking a drink._ _

__Poe thanks his listeners, who give him a generous round of applause, for which he takes a bow for, before sitting back down, handing the microphone off to Finn._ _

__“Hard to follow up such a well planned speech,” Finn begins, and I chuckle to myself, remembering what he had told me about Poe practicing his speech every night. “I won’t take up everyone’s time for too long. But I did want to agree with my eccentric predecessor here, that yes. Rey couldn’t stand this man. And neither could I. But then one day, she wanted to be his friend. She wanted us to be his friends. And I couldn’t fathom it.”_ _

__I grin, remembering those times well, when my main goal was to befriend Kylo Ren and get Finn to like him._ _

__“But I suppose, there’s no way to really explain falling in love. And I understand that now, even though I could not for the life of me wrap my head around it at the time. I guess you can’t control who you end up falling in love with. It could be your best friend, someone you’ve known your whole life, someone you just met, or someone you thought you couldn’t stand.”_ _

__Finn turns back to look down at me, and my eyes smile up at him._ _

__“I don’t know as much about the complicated aspects of love as Poe Dameron, but I do know Rey Kenobi. And all I ever wanted for her was to find something as powerful and comforting as I had found. The only thing I wished for her, was that she could live happily ever after with someone, after life had repeatedly taken a lot of things away from her.”_ _

__He looks behind me at Kylo, a grin coming over his face._ _

__“And now she is. She’s found someone who can give her everything she deserves. And there’s no one in the world I’d trust more to give her that, than the man sitting beside her.”_ _

__I’m sure Kylo must be just as surprised at Finn’s words as I am, maybe even more._ _

__“I could never find the words to express my confusion when they first got together, but now I can’t find the words to express how happy I am for them today. So, here’s to what will surely be one hell of a marriage.”_ _

__He raises his glass as a tear drops down my face while I stare up at my best friend. He smiles back._ _

__“To Rey and Ben.”_ _

__

__Kylo P.O.V._ _

__After everyone has finished with dinner, Rey and I begin to open all the wedding gifts. It’s mostly just kitchen supplies, like new glasses, containers to store leftovers in, cooking bowls, serving bowls, new dinner plates, etc. Somebody even gets us a crockpot._ _

__I half expect us to find a dildo inside the bag that Poe hands to us, but thankfully, it ends up being just some throw pillows and a very fluffy blanket that Rey keeps on her lap the rest of the time we open up presents._ _

__After all the gifts have been opened, it’s back to dancing for a bit. I mostly sit out this round, giving Leia the opportunity to push me to go and chat with a few more of the guests and thank them for their gifts. I must be the most awkward conversationalist I know._ _

__Rey, Finn, and Poe dance together most of the time, all of them prancing around in a circle or doing all their strange dance moves while singing along to every song playing. Rey even dances with Luke for one song and Poe dances with Leia._ _

__After another hour or so, it’s time for the cake, so everyone returns to the table while Leia has the bakers she hired bring out the wedding cake on a huge silver dish while everyone’s dessert plates are put in front of them._ _

__The cake is a tall, four layered circle shaped creation, covered in smooth, clean white frosting with a trail of vivid scarlet covered sugar flowers flowing down the side and curling around the front like a tail.  
I have to admit, it looks pretty impressive. _ _

__Rey and I stand in front of the cake, the both of us holding onto the long knife that will cut into the soft, thick layers of the white block._ _

__After we’ve served everyone, Rey and I get a huge piece to share. I let her eat most of it of course, but it honestly isn’t too bad, even though I am not a fan of white cake. This one at least isn’t smothered in sugary frosting, it’s mostly just the cake that I can taste. Rey however makes sure she scoops up some of the red roses onto the plate as well so she can devour all of those._ _

__It’s getting pretty late now, so the dance floor is opened up again, but some of the guests start heading out, so Rey and I stand near the door to the house, making sure we thank everyone for coming and for their gifts. We get a slew of congratulations and wishes of luck in return._ _

__As soon as it hits nine o’clock, I tell Rey it’s time for us to go since we have a pretty long drive ahead of us. She makes sure I’m still awake enough to want to drive, and I assure her I am. There is no way we’re waiting for tomorrow to get the hell out of here._ _

__Before we go, Rey heads up onto the dance floor, bouquet in hands, while a group of the female guests stand behind her. She turns around, facing away from them, and on the count of three, she tosses the flowers up over her head, into the sea of awaiting hands reaching out below her. To everyone’s surprise, the young girl who served as our flower girl ends up being the one to catch the bundle of roses, though I suspect someone helped her out with that._ _

__Leia invites everyone back to the front of the house to watch us leave. I make sure we have everything, all our suitcases have been packed in the back of the car since this morning._ _

__Poe comes up to me before I shut the trunk, quickly handing me a large bag._ _

__“What’s this?” I ask in confusion, taking it from him and trying to look inside._ _

“It’s your _real _wedding present,” he tells me quietly, looking at me as if I should have expected him to pull something like this.__

______He grins at me as I surely turn a shade of red while I turn and discreetly put the bag with the rest of our things before closing the trunk._ _ _ _ _ _

____“Now can you tell me where you’re taking her, just so I know where you two are tonight and Finn won’t be keeping me up all night worrying?”_ _ _ _

____I guess it doesn’t make much difference now, there’s no way he’ll let it slip to her just before we leave._ _ _ _

____“I rented a vacation house out in Takodana,” I disclose to him. “It’s kind of secluded, but there’s a town only about half a mile away.”_ _ _ _

____He nods, looking satisfied with this._ _ _ _

____“She’s gonna really like that,” he tells me. I grin, thinking about the warm, cabin-like house hidden away in a mess of bright green forest that Rey and I will escape from the world in._ _ _ _

____Poe glances back at where Finn and Rey look like they’ve finally pulled away from the embrace they’ve been in the past few minutes._ _ _ _

____“Have fun,” he says to me, nodding encouragingly._ _ _ _

____“We will,” I reply. “Um… thank you, Poe.”_ _ _ _

____He stares at me oddly since it’s pretty rare for me to get too personal with him._ _ _ _

____“For?” he asks._ _ _ _

____“For… giving me a chance. Even though I maybe didn’t do much to earn it.”_ _ _ _

____His face breaks into a knowing smile._ _ _ _

____“You did,” he assures me. “You’re a good guy, Kylo. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”_ _ _ _

____To my surprise, he pulls me in for a hug, which I hesitantly return._ _ _ _

____“Now, I don’t want to hear about any troubles,” he says as we pull apart. “You two don’t think about anything else but each other the next three weeks, yes?”_ _ _ _

____“Way ahead of you,” I nod, grinning as he pats me on the arm._ _ _ _

____He goes off to say goodbye to Rey while Finn walks up to me next._ _ _ _

____“Thank you for that,” I tell him when he stops in front of me, looking as if he’s not sure what to say. “For everything you said a while ago. I…. I’m glad you feel that way about me.”_ _ _ _

____He nods, offering me a warm grin._ _ _ _

____“It took a while,” he admits. “But I meant every word I said.”_ _ _ _

____“It means a lot to me,” I tell him honestly._ _ _ _

____I thought it didn’t mean a thing to me at first. But over the past few years, I’ve seen how much Finn and Rey mean to each other. Poe had to explain to me multiple times how they’ve been through things he and I will never be able to understand. He’s really her brother in every sense of the word, and his trust and approval means so much._ _ _ _

____“I can see how much you love her,” he responds. “And I know you’re not going to hurt her. I’ve known that for a while, it just took awhile for me to admit it.”_ _ _ _

____I nod in understanding. I used to resent him for being so overprotective of Rey, but after hearing some of the reasons why in the past, I can understand._ _ _ _

____“And Kylo?”_ _ _ _

____He steps closer to me, glancing around as if it make sure no one is listening._ _ _ _

____“Seeing you and Rey tonight and helping you with proposing to Rey… I just wanted you to know, you inspired me to ask Poe to marry me.”_ _ _ _

____I stare down at him, trying to see if he’s joking or not._ _ _ _

____“Really?” I grin in disbelief. “That’s great. Fuck, the two of you act like you’ve been married all your lives.”_ _ _ _

____“I know,” he agrees. “That’s why it’s time. I’ll do it after you and Rey get back, I want to talk to her a little bit about it first.”_ _ _ _

____“Well, I’ll try not to say anything,” I promise him._ _ _ _

____“Hopefully your mind will be on other things. Speaking of which, did Poe give you the present?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” I nod slowly. “Did you have anything to do with that?”_ _ _ _

____“No,” he quickly shakes his head. “That’s all him, I got you the blanket and the throw pillows. But of course, he had to go… a bit beyond.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you see what he got us?”_ _ _ _

____“I did,” he nods awkwardly, looking guilty. “But look, I don’t judge, we all have our… preferences when it comes to sex.”_ _ _ _

____Now I really want to know what the hell is in that bag._ _ _ _

____“Congratulations, Kylo,” he says, extending his hand to me. I take it, shaking his hand as Leia walks up behind us._ _ _ _

____“Thank you, Finn.”_ _ _ _

____Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _

____I’ve just finished saying a very long goodbye to Poe, when I’m surprised to see Luke walk up behind him. Poe glances to me briefly, giving me a nod before going off to mingle with the group of guests who have flocked outside to watch our grand exit.  
I give Luke a grateful smile as he approaches me. _ _ _ _

____“Thank you so much, for everything you’ve done,” I tell him. “Without you, I… I don’t even know where we’d be right now.”  
He shakes his head, as if not believing he deserves the credit. _ _ _ _

____“Ben made his own choices. It was his choice to finally open up to you and accept the help we gave him. And you chose to stay with him. I can only claim myself to be a helpful aid in this situation.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m still grateful,” I assure him. He nods, giving me a rather hopeful look._ _ _ _

____“I hear you’re keeping your name. Kenobi.”_ _ _ _

____I smile brightly. I’d hoped Leia had told him about that._ _ _ _

____“Well, I never had a middle name before,” I shrug. “I thought keeping the name Kenobi alive for as long as I can would be a perfect way to address that small inconsistency. I don’t know who my grandfather was, but from what I can tell, he was an amazing person.”_ _ _ _

____“He was,” Luke nods in confirmation, his expression becoming slightly remorseful. “You should have known him. He should have been in your life and you should have had a family.”_ _ _ _

____“But I do,” I insist, reaching out to take his hand in mine. “I’ve never felt more loved by anyone. And I don’t need anyone else besides the people who have been with me through all the times my parents should have been.”_ _ _ _

____He grins back at me, and I can’t help but feel his gaze looks almost proud as he stares back at me._ _ _ _

____“You’re a kind, wonderful young woman, Rey. I couldn’t ask for a better niece.” He places his other hand on top of mine. “You may not have known Obi-Wan, but I see him in you in almost every way.”_ _ _ _

____For reasons I can’t explain to myself, hearing these words from him feels like it’s the highest form of approval I could ever receive from him._ _ _ _


	48. Chapter 48

Kylo P.O.V.

Finn goes off to join Poe with the rest of the guests while Leia walks up to me and embraces me. I hug her back, trying not to feel too embarrassed that everyone is watching us, because I know this is a pretty emotional day for her. 

“Be safe,” she tells me in her motherly tone. 

“I’m not sixteen,” I remind her as she pulls away. 

“I know,” she sighs, shaking her head, but giving me a grin. My eyes shift toward the ground as I feel a swell of gratefulness for my mother, something I haven’t admitted to for a long time.

“Thank you for helping us with all of this,” I tell her earnestly. 

“You’re my son, Ben,” she replies, looking at me in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t I help you with your wedding?”

“I know. It’s just… I know I haven’t been a great son the past few years. Longer than that, more like the past fifteen years…”

She waits for me to continue, looking as if she wants to encourage me to go on. 

“I just… I shouldn’t have said a lot of the things I did, or blame you for everything I was going through. You’ve done so much for me, and I just…”

“Ben,” she finally stops me, stepping forward and putting her hands on my shoulders. “You’re my son. We’re family, and families go through hard times. Some more than others. We all did and said some things we shouldn’t have. But I’d never imagine holding any of it against you.” 

That sort of makes me feel even guiltier since I’ve held a lot of things against her for most of my life. 

“But it doesn’t matter,” she continues. “I think we should all think of tonight as a fresh start. A beginning to a new chapter in your life. And I think things are going to be a lot easier from now on.” 

I can’t disagree. 

She turns to glance back at Han, who seems like he’s not sure whether he should approach or not. 

She nods at him before turning to give me one last hug. 

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you too.”

She gives me a reassuring smile as Han cautiously walks up behind us and she goes over to say goodbye to Rey.  
I stare over at Han, my eyes blank as he looks to be racking his brain for the right words. 

I want to tell him that I forgive him. That I don’t hate him, and probably never did. That I know what he had said all those years ago just came out because he was angry, and human. I’ve said a million things I never meant, so I don’t want to hold anything against him that he didn’t mean. 

But Leia’s right. Maybe it’s time to just put everything behind us and finally start moving forward again.

I step forward, putting my arms around him and grasping him into a hug that I’m almost sure he’ll shy away from or be completely caught off guard by. 

But he hugs me back immediately, as if we do it everyday. 

We don’t have to say anything, because in a way, everything we need to say is communicated just like this. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged my father for so long. 

“I love you,” I tell him, my voice shaking slightly. 

“I love you too, Ben,” he answers, the words sounding a little awkward coming from him, since he doesn’t like getting too emotional with anyone. “I’m sorry for anything I-”

“No,” I stop him as we pull apart. “It’s ok.”

And it is ok. He’s my father. I know that he loves me and he doesn’t think I’m a mistake. And I know I’m not a mistake. 

I see Luke out of the corner of my eye after Han and I have finished our mostly silent, yet meaningful exchange. His smirk practically says exactly what he wants to say: 

_Pretty easy, isn’t it? ___

__I smile back, maybe still a bit unwilling to admit he’d been right all along._ _

__After all the goodbyes have been said, and I have Rey all ready to go in the front seat, I go around to the driver’s side and get in. We’re sent off with one last triumphant wave of cheers as I pull away form the house, heading further out into D’Qar, which we’ll pass through most of on our way to Takodana._ _

__I reach over and grasp Rey’s hand once we’re finally out on the road._ _

__“Alone at last,” she smiles._ _

__“For a long time,” I add, feeling my entire body and soul relax in bliss._ _

__“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going until we get there?” she questions with incredulity._ _

__“You can guess if you want. But no, you’re not going to find out until we arrive.”_ _

__She sighs, turning to look out the window at the trees lined along the side of the road._ _

__“Are you tired?” I ask her._ _

__“No,” she answers confidently. “How could I be? We still have so much to do.”_ _

__I already know this drive is going to be way too long._ _

__

__Rey can’t guess where we’re going until I pull into the road going through the deep forests littered with an array of secluded cabins hidden among the thick trees._ _

“You got us a house in the forest?” she asks excitedly, overjoyed when I nod in confirmation. “Oh, Kylo, it’s _beautiful _here.”__

______I turn onto a path leading into the dark woods, my eyes staring intently ahead to look for the lights of the house I’d asked the caretaker to leave on so we’d be able to see when we go inside._ _ _ _ _ _

____Rey stares out at the gigantic trees that reach up way out of sight into the black sky. I slow the car down when I see the house, pulling in front of the small garage at the side._ _ _ _

____The house is made of dark brown wood, standing perfectly with the sharp green of the surrounding forest. I wanted to find something low key, not too fancy, but not too “off the grid”. It’s a two story house, with a small stone path leading up to the front door, a slight shade lighter than the rest of the exterior. There are windows on two sides of the house, the ones on the right looking into the kitchen and dining room, and the ones on the left looking into the living room. The windows up on the second story are looking out from the master bedroom. It looks like most of the lights were kept on, just as I had requested._ _ _ _

____I quickly step out of the car, going to open the door for Rey and helping her out with her big dress._ _ _ _

____She stares up in awe at the wood house, the interior lights glowing with a yellow radiance against the dark exterior._ _ _ _

____The soft fabric of her gown sweeps across the moss covered floor of the forest as she steps closer to the house while I get the luggage out of the back, the keys to the house in my hands. My eyes stay on her even as I’m unloading the car. Standing in front of the house with the light from inside illuminating her bright white gown, she truly looks like a princess._ _ _ _

____Setting the luggage aside, I walk over to her and sweep her off her feet. Her laugh rings through the empty forest as I carry her up along the stone path to the front door of the house._ _ _ _

____“You know, you really don’t have to over complicate things,” she tells me as I reach over to unlock the door while still holding her in my arms._ _ _ _

____“If you recall, I’ve already done this before,” I remind her, thinking of that night all those years ago where I brought her home when she had fallen asleep at work._ _ _ _

____“Oh, I forgot, you’re already an expert,” she allows as I push the door open and stand up straight again._ _ _ _

____She excitedly turns to look inside, putting her head against my chest as I step inside, carrying her over the threshold._ _ _ _

____I set her safely down on the dark hardwood floor of the house as she gazes around in wonder at the small, yet accommodating house.  
On the right is the kitchen, which isn’t set up too differently than ours back home. Of course, it has the rustic style of the rest of the house, so the cabinets and drawers are all made of light brown wood, and the marble counters are a matching tan color. _ _ _ _

____The stove and the sink are in the same place they are in ours (except there’s no window above the sink since this kitchen is facing inward toward the house) but the refrigerator is next to the sink and the oven is next to the stove, which will probably throw me off.  
The counter fans out in a bar style, rather than the block style that ours has, and the dining room table over by the windows is a small table for four, but that doesn’t really matter, since it’s just going to be Rey and I here the whole time._ _ _ _

____Rey walks over into the living room, where the floor transitions into a very clean white carpet, giving the area a warmer feel. There is a large, black leather couch covered with a few soft knit blankets sitting a few feet away from an adequately sized fireplace below a nice plasma screen tv. There is a shelf beside the fireplace that holds a pretty decent collection of movies. I made sure, since that is an essential part of any vacation._ _ _ _

____“Kylo, I don’t… how did you do all of this?”_ _ _ _

____“One day when you thought I was at work, I was coming here to check this place out. You never suspected a thing.”_ _ _ _

____“You are sneaky,” she shakes her head, putting her hands on her hips. I shake my head, grinning at her stubborn expression._ _ _ _

____“Wait here, I’m going to go get all of our stuff and then we’ll go look at the upstairs.”_ _ _ _

____She nods, going over to look more at the kitchen while I go out to get all of the suitcases, keeping an eye on her through the open shutters on the windows._ _ _ _

____I still get a bit uncomfortable being too far away from her in an unfamiliar place. A part of me still feels like if I turn my head for one second, she’ll be gone. Side effects I guess you could say from the abduction. But I’m going to try to put all of that as far from my mind as I can for the next three weeks while we’re supposed to be getting away from all of that._ _ _ _

____I get everything inside, closing and locking the door behind me, and I grab all of our stuff, shooing Rey away when she tries to grab some things too._ _ _ _

____“Lead the way,” I offer, nodding encouragingly toward the mahogany staircase._ _ _ _

____She walks up the staircase that divides the kitchen and the living room, her heels tapping softly against the smooth wood._ _ _ _

____“There are two bedrooms,” I tell her when we get into the narrow hallway, that thankfully also has the lights on. “There’s the master bedroom right there.” She turns and looks to the door beside her on the right. “And then at the end over there is a smaller one. It’s not as cool, but it does have a tv and the master one doesn’t.”_ _ _ _

____She goes into the master bedroom, opening the dark oak wood door. She turns on the light, which illuminates the bedroom with a soft glow, Rey’s expression lighting up as well._ _ _ _

____The front wall of the room slants slightly toward the roof, and a huge glass window in the wall looks out over the forest, opening up the room and making the outside meld with the rough brown wood of the walls._ _ _ _

____The bed is up against the wall, facing toward the magnificent window, and a small electric fireplace sits in the corner of the room._ _ _ _

____I click off the lights in the hallway before walking into the bedroom behind Rey, my hands circling up the flowy layers of her gown._ _ _ _

“Kylo, this is _breathtaking _,” she sighs as I softly kiss her bare shoulder.__

________“You’re breathtaking,” I whisper, my hands reaching up to unclasp her necklace. It drops down her chest and I catch it, tossing it over to the table beside the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______She reaches up to take out her earrings, tossing them onto the table along with her necklace._ _ _ _ _ _

______I run my hands along her legs, feeling the silky gown slips between my fingers until my hands rub up along the thick bodice surrounding her waist._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now, as I much as I love you in this dress…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel her smile as she reaches behind her and pulls her hair to the side while I push one hand gently against her stomach, my other hand undoing the back of the gown._ _ _ _ _ _

______The dress loosens and she lifts her arms away, letting it fall to the ground, landing gracefully around her feet, revealing her strapless white bra and lacy white underwear._ _ _ _ _ _

______She turns toward my, stepping out of the dress and shaking her feet out of her high heels. She eagerly presses her body against mine and I kiss her hungrily, my fingers curling through her hair before reaching down to grab her thighs._ _ _ _ _ _

______I lift her off the ground, carrying her over toward the bed. I tear back the comforter, laying her down against the soft sheets. She stares up at me, rubbing her thighs together as I remove my jacket and kick off my shoes._ _ _ _ _ _

______My heart races madly in my chest as I stare down into her eyes, removing all of my clothes while she pulls herself out of her bra, revealing her stunning breasts. I crawl on top of her, stroking along her face before pulling her out of her panties._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you so much, Ben,” she sighs as I lay down on top of her, her hips rocking against mine._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I want to stay here with you forever, Rey,” I tell her, my lips kissing along her thigh as I grip her leg in my hand. “No one else exists but you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She moans as I plant a kiss between her legs, being sure to push my tongue firmly against her clit for a moment, making her groan loudly. I lick my tongue up and down her nub for a little while as she whimpers softly, her hands massaging against my shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you,” she whispers shakily as I slide myself up her body._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Open your legs for me,” I murmur, rubbing my fingers up and down her soft thighs._ _ _ _ _ _

______She complies, and I slowly push myself into her, laying myself so that I’m touching as much of her as possible, her arms reaching up to wrap around my back, pulling me down on top of her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m going to take care of you for the rest of your life, Rey,” I whisper softly in her ear as I gently roll my hips against hers, feeling her enticing, soft walls fitting around me perfectly. A beautiful whining noise comes from her throat as she hugs me against her, her face rubbing against my neck._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You were made for me,” she whispers gently, her lips trailing up and kissing my ear._ _ _ _ _ _

______We stay like this for so long, and it feels as if we’ve dropped away form the rest of the world. Nothing else matters but us. The world could end tomorrow, in ten years, or in a couple seconds, and I couldn’t be happier. Because I have her. And I’ll have her every single day from now on._ _ _ _ _ _

______After a while, when I look down into her eyes, I see a few tears have silently slipped down her face._ _ _ _ _ _

______I touch my hand to the side of her face as she stares up at me. A weird feeling goes through me, almost like I want to cry as well. I don’t know why, since this is the happiest I think I’ve ever felt._ _ _ _ _ _

______My hands tangle through her soft hair and I press myself firmly against her as we both climax at the same time and she pulls me down to connect her lips with mine._ _ _ _ _ _

______We stay like this all night, wrapped tightly in each others arms under the covers of the bed, my fingers calmly dragging up and down her back as I peacefully rock her to sleep while she cries quietly against my chest._ _ _ _ _ _

______I eventually feel a tear fall down the side of my face as I close my eyes, holding her closer against my chest._ _ _ _ _ _


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, these last few chapters will get pretty explicit with the smut/BDSM scenes.

Rey P.O.V.

My eyes open to a soft, fog covered morning light flooding in from the huge glass window in front of the bed. I stare out at the tall trees blocking most of the light from the sun. My eyes widen slightly at how magnificent the woods look. Even from here, I can see the leaves and moss covering the area are a brilliant shade of green, the sharp color vividly standing against the deep brown of the trunks of the trees and the dirt covering the floor. 

I turn around against the silky flannel sheets of the bed, finding myself held tightly in Kylo’s strong arms, ever persistent even when he’s asleep. 

I smile giddily, my hand reaching behind me to stroke through his hair, remembering how amazing we had felt last night. 

“Good morning, husband,” I greet him as he stirs awake from me rustling around in his arms. I feel butterflies as the word comes out of my mouth, elated that I am finally allowed to address my husband as such. He smiles sleepily.

“Good morning, wife,” he greets me back, the words causing a jolt of excitement to course through me. 

I curl back up against his chest, humming contentedly as he readjusts us so that I’m facing him. 

“We can stay in bed as long as we want for three weeks,” I remember blissfully as Kylo kisses the top of my head. 

“Mm hm. And we can do anything we want. We can make love whenever we want, however many times we want…” 

“How are we ever meant to come back from this?” I wonder as he laughs. 

“It’ll be hard,” he sighs, his hand stroking against the back of my head. 

“Kylo, I can’t believe we’re married. How did this happen?”

“I asked you and you said yes.” 

“Oh, aren’t you just so funny,” I roll my eyes, smacking him lightly on his chest. “I feel like this isn’t even real. Like I’m dreaming.”

He exhales, his hands traveling down my body until they stop at my backside. 

“You’re not,” he assures me as I caress my face against him. 

We stay laying here for a little while, just holding each other, before I sit up with a sigh, glancing toward the door.

“What’s for breakfast?” I inquire, beginning to yank myself out of the invitingly soft bed. 

“We’ll see later,” he answers, grabbing my arm and pulling me back down. 

I smile as I land back in the warm bed, his arm reaching around me and holding me down firmly against him. 

“It’s pretty unusual for you to want to sleep in,” I inform him. 

“Yesterday was probably the longest day of my life,” he reminds me, and I sigh contentedly. 

“We’re _married _,” I breathe, my voice still hinged with incredulity.__

__“I know.”_ _

__

__We do eventually get out of bed to head downstairs for breakfast. The shutters are still open on all the windows, letting in the breathtaking scenery of the forest outside surrounding us._ _

__Kylo begins going through everything in the cabinets and drawers as if he’s lived here his whole life. I look through the fridge, seeing it stocked full with all kinds of different food._ _

__“I still don’t know how you were able to do all of this without me knowing a thing,” I marvel, grabbing the jug of milk from the drawer in the refrigerator._ _

__“Because I am a genius,” he shrugs, pulling out a large container of something from the cabinet. “Here, I got you some of these disgusting-”_ _

__“Doughnuts!” I exclaim hungrily, nearly jumping on top of him to get the beautiful pink box from him. “Kylo, you know what I want before I even know it myself.”_ _

__“Well, normally I wouldn’t condone such unhealthy breakfast choices, but since we’re on vacation…”_ _

__“Come on,” I goad him, sitting at the counter and opening the box to the smell of fresh baked doughnuts. “You know you want one.”_ _

__“No, I do not happen to be a fan,” he answers, staring at the gorgeously decorated circles of sugar with distaste. “You enjoy though.”__

 _ _I snort at his stubbornness, reaching in to grab a chocolate and sprinkle covered pastry, sitting down at one of the tall chairs at the counter._ _

__“So, what are we doing today?” I ask him as he starts making the toast he always has for breakfast._ _

__“Whatever we want.”_ _

__“Like what?”_ _

__“Well, there’s a river that runs right through the backyard,” he begins. “There’s a nice view out there too, and a huge porch, and I think there’s even a hot tub in the porch or something…”_ _

__

__It turns out, as amazing as all those things seem, he actually wasn’t kidding._ _

__The first thing I see when we step out into the backyard, is a dip in the planks of the deck, where a square shaped hot tub is sitting beneath a heavy brown leather cover. An actual hot tub in the ground, or the deck at least._ _

__But even more extraordinary is the quiet, shallow river moving in a gentle current along a path only a few feet away from the porch. Aside from being extremely blown away by this, I have to wonder what happens to this poor house if there’s ever a flood._ _

__Kylo immediately grabs my hand and takes off running toward the water, as I hop along beside him, hoping to not trample on any rocks in my bare feet._ _

__“Kylo, stop!” I laugh, trying to halt myself before we reach the water, seeing as, I have no idea how deep it is or how strong the current will be. Usually I have to pace myself rather slowly when entering water, even in a swimming pool._ _

__“Hold your breath!” he warns, grabbing me around the waist and hoisting me up off my feet just before taking a huge leap off the dirt and straight into the river._ _

__I scream loudly as we fly through the air (I had no idea he could jump so freaking high) but take a huge breath before we hit the water and all goes silent as my entire body goes rigid against the icy cold water, before quickly adjusting._ _

__I panic for only a second when I can’t feel anything but water below my feet, but Kylo still has his arms locked firmly around me as we resurface quickly, my anxiety vanishing as rapidly as it had appeared._ _

__He turns me around and I grab onto his shoulders as he laughs in exhilaration._ _

__“I think you’ve been spending too much time with Poe,” I tell him, trying to shake the water out of my eyes as I hold myself against him. The current only pushes up against us very lightly, so at least I don’t have to worry about getting swept away._ _

__I look up at him as my hands go to move through his wet hair, my forehead touching against his before our lips connect, my legs pulling through the strong water to wrap around his waist._ _

__My hands move down his spine, his body heat contrasting with the cold water, as he traces his fingers along the waistline of my bikini._ _

__“We probably shouldn’t get too carried away,” he says quietly, his hands dropping away from my hips and going back down to hold my thighs. “Who knows what kind of disease we could get from this water.”_ _

__“I thought you didn’t have to worry if it’s moving?” I recall, glancing down to the river that leads who knows where._ _

__“Better to not take any chances. It would suck to have to go home the first day of our honeymoon because we got a bizarre infection.”_ _

__“True,” I concur. “But in that case, what are we supposed to do?”_ _

__He grins, moving me so that I’m clinging to the side of him so he can swim forward through the small waves._ _

__He swims way down the river, moving with the current as it takes us downstream, away from the house until I can no longer see it when I glance back._ _

__I’m able to move away from him and kind of get the hang of swimming through the unfamiliar water. I’ve got it down after just a few minutes, though Kylo still has his hand out ready to grab onto me again, as if I could, at any moment, be sucked down to the bottom of the river by an unseen force. Honestly, I don’t blame him for that fear. There’s a part of me that believes it’s entirely possible._ _

__We arrive at a group of willow trees, their bright green blades hanging down and touching the smooth water of the river, swaying gently as the current tugs at the strings of leaves._ _

__I paddle over to the edge of the soft grass beneath the shade of the drooping branches, and push myself up onto the edge, turning and sitting comfortable on the ledge of grass as Kylo swims up between my knees._ _

__He turns his head to softly kiss the inside of my leg as I lean back onto my hands, staring up through the elegant array of leaves making up this cave-like hideaway._ _

__“It feels like there’s nobody else here,” I comment as Kylo’s hands emerge from the water to hold my thighs. “I can’t even hear anything except the water and the birds.”_ _

__“The houses are already pretty far apart,” he describes, turning to look further down the river. “There’s probably one a few feet from here. But no, you can’t really hear anyone else over the river and the wind and everything.”_ _

__He turns back to me, grinning mischievously as I move myself forward a bit._ _

__“I guess I should have known if you picked out the place,” I grin at him, reaching forward to brush my hand down the side of his face._ _

__He turns to kiss the inside of my palm._ _

__“Can you come up here, please?” I ask him, grabbing his arms and falling backwards, trying to yank him up._ _

__He sighs, placing his hands on either side of my hips and pushing himself up out of the water and right on top of me._ _

__I shriek as the water drips off of him and onto me and I fall flat on my back as he hovers over me._ _

__“I feel like we’re going to get shish-kebabed with a spear if we start making out right here in the woods,” I tell him as he pulls at the straps of my bikini top._ _

__“I’d certainly die happy,” he admits as he pulls off my top. “Besides, no one’s gonna see us, we’re hidden under this huge tree.”_ _

__“That sounds exactly like what someone would say in a horror movie right before getting killed.”_ _

__Though, I can’t argue that being killed with my husband on top of me is a more preferable way to go out in a slasher situation._ _

__“I suppose it’s better to not die alone,” I consider as he buries his face between my breasts._ _

__“Do you have to keep thinking of sadistic things when I’m trying to turn you on?” he pleads._ _

__“I thought sadistic things turned you on,” I grin teasingly._ _

__“Not bloody death-related sadistic things.”_ _

__Fair enough._ _

__

__After a while longer of hanging out and splashing around near the willow trees, we decide to head back to the house, since it’s getting to be time for lunch._ _

__Since we’re going against the current now, it’s much harder to swim than it was before, and as much as I insist that I can handle it (after gaining much confidence from swimming most of the way over here), I seriously underestimated how difficult it is to keep yourself afloat while battling against the waves._ _

__My brave endeavor comes to an end as soon as I begin to bob below the surface of the water and Kylo grabs ahold of me and throws me onto his back where I grip him tightly as he swims us back toward the house._ _

__“At least I know you’ll be able to keep me alive if there is ever a tsunami,” I tell him, resting my head comfortably on his back while he struggles through the water._ _

__“Easily,” he assures me, the difficult current and the added weight of me on his back not seeming to affect him in the slightest._ _

__Once we get back to the house and shower off all the river water, I grab some Pringles and head out to the hot tub while Kylo makes himself a sandwich. Probably a better choice for lunch instead of a can of Pringles._ _

__I’m sitting on the bench in the hot tub, immersing myself in the incredibly warm embrace of the heated water, when he comes out with two plates each holding a delicious looking ham and cheese sandwich that Kylo is amazing at making._ _

__"Thank you,” I express in surprise as he hands me a plate, sitting down on the deck beside and swinging his feet down into the hot tub. “You didn’t have to do that.”_ _

__“Rey, you can’t just have doughnuts and Pringles for your meals.”_ _

__“Yes I can, I’m on vacation,” I challenge, taking a huge bite out of the sandwich. “But you do make the best sandwiches ever, my love.”_ _

__“Why thank you.”_ _

__We sit out here while we finish our lunch, watching the nature around us that includes, what we decided, was two birds fighting over a spot to make their nest._ _

__“They’re brothers,” I decide, staring up at the trees standing like skyscrapers above us. “They both wanted the same place because it’s the best in the forest.”_ _

__“And they wanted it for their girlfriends so they’d be impressed,” Kylo adds._ _

__“Yes. The nest is a very keen way for them to compensate.”_ _

__“Then they’re gonna discover that their girlfriends are actually the same girl. She’s been playing them both.”_ _

__“Kylo, I think we should write mystery novels.”_ _

__“We should.”_ _

__“That can be our excuse for going on vacation to exotic places. We need it for research. Or we need to be alone for a month because we’re writing a world changing book.”_ _

__“This may be the best idea we’ve ever come up with.”_ _

__I sink further down into the warm water, closing my eyes against the afternoon light beginning to shine through the thick leafed trees._ _

__“Did you see the bag in the living room?” he asks me after a moment._ _

__“I did.”_ _

__“Poe said it’s our ‘real’ wedding present. Do you know anything about that?”_ _

__I smile guiltily, trying to hide my expression from him, but he notices right away._ _

__“What?” he asks, reaching to turn me back towards him when I try floating away to the other side of the jacuzzi. “Rey, what did he get us?”_ _

“I may have… divulged a few of our _interests _to him-”__

______“Fuck, Rey!” he exclaims in exasperation, sounding more than a bit embarrassed._ _ _ _ _ _

____“I didn’t give any details!” I insist. “But you have to understand, I’m used to telling him and Finn everything, so it’s a little hard to be one hundred percent secretive about my sex life that was non existent before you came along.”_ _ _ _

____“So I should be worried about what’s in that bag?”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t think so,” I shake my head seriously. “He knows what he’s doing. Besides, I gave him a few ideas, and… I think you might enjoy a few of the things I came up with.”_ _ _ _

____This, I can tell, gets him excited._ _ _ _

____He tries to look nonchalant, slowly emerging himself out of the hot tub while I continue to soak in the warm water, pretending to be oblivious to his curiosity._ _ _ _

____“Would you like to take a look?” I ask him knowingly, still keeping my gaze neutral._ _ _ _

____His eyes get slightly wider and I have to suppress a laugh._ _ _ _

____“Just give me a couple minutes and we’ll go back inside,” I sigh, dramatically laying myself down against the side of the jacuzzi. “It’s such a lovely day out here, we wouldn’t want to spend it all inside.”_ _ _ _

____I give him a smug smile and quickly have to leap out of the hot tub and scamper across the deck when he lunges after me._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry!” I shout, laughing as I run around in a circle and finally back toward the house._ _ _ _

____I shriek as I try to slide open the door with him right on my heels. I don’t have any time to close it, so I just bolt straight inside, down the hallway and around to the stairs._ _ _ _

____I hear him sprinting behind me as I leap up the stairs two at a time, running down the hallway and into the spare bedroom, praying that there’s a lock on it._ _ _ _

____To my relief, there is, and I’m able to turn it just in time before Kylo has grabbed the handle, pulling at it madly to try and get inside._ _ _ _

____“Now you’re gonna get it,” he scolds after realizing there’s no way in until I let him in._ _ _ _

____“I won,” I chime happily. I’m usually able to win when I’m running from him. It’s when he gets ahold of me that I’m screwed._ _ _ _

____“Are you going to come out like a good girl, or do I have to break the door down?”_ _ _ _

____“You wouldn’t,” I doubt, though I suppose it wouldn’t be completely astonishing if he did._ _ _ _

____“What’s it gonna be?”_ _ _ _

____I lean up against the door, weighing my options. It would be a shame to give into him so soon. I always like to make him work for it. But at the same time, I’ve become incredibly turned on in my sudden adrenaline fueled escape._ _ _ _

____As soon as I begrudgingly open the door a crack, he forcibly pushes it all the way open, sending me stumbling back before he barges in, grabbing me around the waist and walking back out into the hallway._ _ _ _

____“Kylo, you can’t keep carrying me around like a child!” I giggle, trying to wriggle out of his grasp unsuccessfully._ _ _ _

____“I can if you keep acting like one.”_ _ _ _

____He takes me down the stairs that have my wet footprints splashed onto them._ _ _ _

____“You’re lucky you didn’t slip and crack your head open, running around soaking wet,” he scolds._ _ _ _

____“Worth it.”_ _ _ _

____I twist around persistently in his amazingly strong grip._ _ _ _

____“Are you really this eager to look at what’s in that bag?” I grunt, trying to throw myself forward out of his grip, causing him to lock his other arm around me. “What are you thinking is in there?”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t know, hopefully something to tie you up with.”_ _ _ _

____We get downstairs and he snatches up the bag on the floor before taking me back upstairs and into the master bedroom._ _ _ _

____He throws me down onto the bed and I laugh in relief as he sits beside me, placing the bag on the bed._ _ _ _

____I sit up to excitedly peek through the bag as a nervous look comes upon Kylo’s face._ _ _ _

____He reaches inside, pulling aside all the tissue paper. The first thing that emerges is two pairs of handcuffs._ _ _ _

“Exactly how much did you _divulge _to him?” Kylo asks, staring at the silver bracelets in wonder as they dangle from his hand.__

________“Enough,” I reply, eagerly taking the handcuffs from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______I look back into the bag to see some kind of small box that feels rather heavy. I pull it out to see it’s a pack containing four bottles of… something._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are they candles?” Kylo asks, looking down at the box in my hands._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That’s what it looks like, but…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I flip the box over to see that there’s a description on the back that I quickly read._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes, they’re candles,” I confirm. “But… we can pour the wax onto each other. And it turns into massage oil.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I look up at him to see him raise his eyebrows, the idea clearly appealing to him as much as it does to me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“There’s one more thing,” he says, tipping the bag toward him to pull out the last item: a medium sized cardboard box. No description, no pictures, just a box._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh,” I grin, blood rushing to my face. “I think I know what it is.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What?” he asks, scrambling to open the box. He tears the lid off to reveal exactly what I expected to be inside._ _ _ _ _ _

______He looks up at me as I laugh, falling back onto the bed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What the hell is-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s a bondage kit,” I giggle to myself, covering my face with my hands. “I didn’t think he’d actually find one, I just told him it’d be interesting to see what kind of stuff would be inside…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Your friends are officially way too involved in our sex life.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, come on,” I smile up at him. “You have to admit, these are way better than any of the other wedding gifts we got.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“They’re certainly more interesting.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I reach my foot out to rub teasingly against his leg._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Interesting how?” I ask, staring up at him innocently as I brush my foot along his thigh. He glances down at me, gently setting the bag aside, but keeping the toys on the bed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Interesting because, I have no idea what to do with a crockpot…” he reaches into the box to grab, what seems to be some kind of whip. “But I know what to do with this.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel excitement shoot through me as I relax myself against the bed while Kylo stands up, taking most of the items off the bed as I stretch my legs out._ _ _ _ _ _

______Before I know it, he’s on top of me, grabbing my wrists firmly in his hands before wrapping a string of black cotton ropes from the bondage kit around my hands. He yanks the knot tight before dragging my arms up away from my body, tying the other end of the rope to the bed frame._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Spread your legs open,” he commands me and I do, reaching each of my feet to either side of the bed. He gets something else out of the box and goes down to the bottom of the bed to secure two leather cuffs around my ankles, attaching them tightly to the legs of the bed so that I can only bend my knees about a centimeter._ _ _ _ _ _

______The inside of the cuffs feel like wool, hugging quite comfortably to my ankles, even though they look a little intimidating._ _ _ _ _ _

______He walks along the side of the bed, his hand reaching out to lightly brush some hair away from my face. He strokes the back of his hand softly down the side of my face, and I close my eyes, leaning into his touch._ _ _ _ _ _

______His hands leave my face and I feel him slide a thick blindfold over my head to cover my eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______I try opening my eyes to see nothing but pitch black. This blindfold is much tighter than the ones we usually use. This one doesn’t seem to let in any light at all._ _ _ _ _ _

______He gives me a moment to adjust, and I start to relax after a moment, feeling his reassuring touch against my arm._ _ _ _ _ _

______He then starts to strip me, undoing the ties on the sides of my bathing suit bottom, swiftly yanking it off before going to untie my top._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thanks for making it easy for me,” he quips, making me chuckle in amusement._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I thought you might appreciate that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I hear him grab something else before walking back up to the bed. I feel him swing his legs on either side of me, straddling my hips._ _ _ _ _ _

______“These might hurt a bit, so I’m going to go slow,” he warns me. “Tell me to stop and I’ll take them off.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel myself tense in anticipation, an initial spike of fear going through me before feeling myself relax again, trusting Kylo to not do anything too crazy with me._ _ _ _ _ _

______I jump a bit when I suddenly feel cold metal touching against my chest. It feels like some sort of chain._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, shit!” I gasp as soon as I feel the metal pinching down onto my nipple. It’s a good thing my legs are tried down, or else my knee would have shot right up and nailed him in the back._ _ _ _ _ _

______The metal disappears as quickly as it had come and I feel Kylo’s hand touch against my side._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, it’s ok,” I breathe, feeling a wave of exhilaration shiver through me. “You can keep going.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are you sure?” he asks in concern, and I nod eagerly, anxious to feel whatever the hell that was again._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes,” I answer confidently. “Put it back on.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I swear I can hear him laughing quietly before I feel the clamp touching against my nipple again, the pain increasing as it closes shut, but stopping before it becomes unbearable. After a moment, it actually feels… kind of nice._ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel a strange, tingling sensation crawling over my chest as he clasps the other one into place, the cold chain, that apparently connects the two, draping between my breasts. They’re definitely secure, but not too painful at all. Although, I am grateful the light-blocking blindfold is still on, because I’m not sure I’d like to see how they look._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You look beautiful,” he tells me, as if being able to see my worries. “How do they feel?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Weird,” I answer, smiling a bit. “But… good.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Good,” he approves, getting off the bed to go grab yet another item. “Tell me if they get too uncomfortable.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Mm hm,” I agree, slowly shifting myself back and forth against my bindings. This bondage is way stricter than what I’m used to, so I’m trying to get my body accustomed to it._ _ _ _ _ _

______He walks back up to me and I feel him sit down beside me on the bed. His fingers brush down my cheek and softly trace along my lips._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Open your mouth,” he tells me quietly. I comply, his fingers dragging along my lower lip as I hesitantly relax my jaw._ _ _ _ _ _

______I feel a spherical, silicone textured object enter my mouth, forcing my jaw open wider as it pushes past my teeth. Kylo reaches behind me to buckle the strap behind my head as I relax my lips around the gag, feeling a bit odd having something so big in my mouth._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Does that feel ok?” he asks me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Uh huh,” I manage out behind the gag, gently pushing my tongue against it to see it’s very firmly in place._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Snap your fingers.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______I twist my hand around in my bindings to snap my fingers together loudly, finding the action surprisingly easy to do._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do that if you want me to stop, ok?” he instructs me. I give him the thumbs up._ _ _ _ _ _

______I lay splayed out on the bed for a little while longer, my body shivering now that the warmth of the hot tub has officially vanished._ _ _ _ _ _

______Finally, I feel Kylo’s feather-like touch travel along my leg, making my breathing slow in apprehension._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re such a naughty little thing,” his voice melts through the tension-filled air, “always making me chase you around.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______My muscles tense slightly when I feel the soft, leather straps of the whip trail down my other leg._ _ _ _ _ _

______I gasp, my limbs yanking roughly against the restraints as the whip flicks lightly down onto my thigh, sending a small stinging sensation shooting through my leg._ _ _ _ _ _

______“From now on,” his voice speaks slightly louder before he sends the whip crashing down even harder on my opposite thigh, “whenever you run from me…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The whip traces down my face, across my chest, pulling painfully at the chain connecting the clamps._ _ _ _ _ _

“... _this _-”__

__________The whip smacks down between my legs, making me cry out into the gag.__________

___“... is what will happen.”_ _ _

________I pant heavily into the ball spreading my mouth open, feeling a burning heat spread up through my body from the aftershock of the whip._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The leather rains down against my stomach, making me grunt in pain, my hands pulling persistently at the ropes in my instinct to bring my hands down to cover myself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you like that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I moan, my back arching as he hits me between my legs again. My body writhes against the soft comforter of the bed, my hair standing on end as the leather is dragged slowly over my pussy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I feel a tug on the chain between my breasts and I groan violently against the gag as my nipples are tortuously stretched upward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I want you to come for me,” he orders. The whip suddenly slaps against my exposed breasts, causing me to scream in a mixture of pain and a weird feeling of pleasure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The chain drops back down to my chest and I gasp in relief. I twist around in my bindings, trying to turn myself away from him, but I’m held down quite firmly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re not going anywhere, Rey,” he smiles at my struggling. His fingers pull through my hair, gripping it firmly and pulling my head back until my neck is arched. “Just lay back and take it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I moan softly, feeling my eyes roll back as he whips me again and again between my open legs. He releases my hair, letting me relax my neck, but then pulls on the chain again, this time tugging it downward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My teeth bite hard into the gag as tears form in my eyes. But the pain is soon evened out when I feel his fingers start generously massaging my clit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________My hips push against his hand as my head starts to spin from the sensation on my nipples and on my clitoris. My mind isn’t sure which one to focus on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I whine quietly against the gag as Kylo pushes two fingers inside of me and I feel him lean over me, his lips brushing against my ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Come for me, Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I immediately convulse around his fingers, my thighs straining as my stomach knots in one of the most intense orgasms I’ve had in awhile. Kylo releases the chain and gently strokes my face until I’ve finished._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His hand reaches behind my head to unclasp the ballgag, taking it out of my mouth and tossing it aside. I stretch my jaw, thankful to find it doesn’t ache too much. He gently kisses the top of my head, cupping my cheek in his hand as I sigh in contentment at his generous touch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you need water?” he asks me as he straddles my hips, pulling the blindfold off my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No,” I shake my head, my eyes still closed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I feel him gently reach up my chest, grabbing onto one of the clamps._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“This is probably going to hurt,” he tells me. “A lot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I hesitate for a moment, still keeping my eyes closed, but then nod, giving him the ok to take them of._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Fuck _,” I curse, gritting my teeth as he removes the first clamp, letting the blood flow back into my abused nipple. “That hurts more than putting them on!”__

____________“I know,” he says sympathetically, reaching up to allow my to squeeze his hand as he goes to remove the other one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I bite down on my lip as he takes it off, now feeling as if my chest is seriously on fire._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I breathe a sigh of relief when I feel his soft lips lightly planting kisses on my incredibly sore nipples, his tongue gently massaging me until the pain does down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I finally open my eyes to see the clamps in his hand. They’re actually quite small and don’t look too scary at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How is everything feeling?” he asks, removing his swim shorts and tossing them over on the floor next to my two discarded white bikini pieces._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I feel amazing,” I smile up at him as he leans over me, his elbows resting on either side of my head. “That was really fun.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Do you need me to untie you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Um… no,” I answer, still rather enjoying the feeling of being strapped down to the bed, at his mercy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Good,” he grins, his hands crawling up to grip my hair. “Because I’m keeping you just like this while I fuck you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My heartbeat picks up slightly as I feel him begin to push his extremely hardened member between my legs. I exhale blissfully once I feel him inside me, my lubrication and rather engorged state allowing him to slide right in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I close my eyes as he thrusts against me, hitting my g spot each time and making me feel a warm glow spread throughout every corner of my body that I know he can feel too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Look at me, my love.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________My eyes open to stare into his, feeling my body meld against him while he touches every inch of me, telling me how much he loves me with every movement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________A warm feeling rises through my clitoris, up my belly, and over my chest, my entire body shaking against his as he holds me close to him, making my ache to get my hands untied from the bed so that I can feel his warmth in my palms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	50. Chapter 50

Kylo P.O.V.

I’m in the rather small bathroom trying to brush my teeth while Rey waits for me back in the bedroom, apparently with a surprise she thinks I’ll be very excited to see. Though I don’t know what could be more of a surprise than our very explicit wedding gifts that I had no idea I needed so badly. 

After our extensive session earlier today, we were so worn out that we pretty much just sat out in the living room, huddled up on the couch, and watched a bunch of movies until dinner. We left the tv on while we grilled up a pack of burgers, which we took down easily between the two of us on account of our long, energy-deriving day. 

“Are you done yet?!” I hear her sweet voice calling out from behind the halfway closed door of the bathroom. 

“I’m coming, my lovely wife,” I holler back sarcastically. 

“You better hurry, or else I’m going to sleep!” 

I put the toothbrush back in the cabinet, get a drink of water from the sink, and finally turn off the light and head out into the bedroom. 

I look down at the bed to see her huddled under the covers, looking up at me expectantly. 

“What is it?” I ask her, unsure of what ‘surprise’ she has in mind. 

“I never gave you your wedding present,” she smiles, laying her head back against the pillows. 

“All I need for a wedding present is you.”

“Mm hm,” she nods, not taking her seductive gaze off me. “So unwrap it.” 

I step closer to the bed, looking curiously down at her, my hand reaching down toward the sheets that cover her body. 

My hand touches against the flannel sheets as her eyes encourage me on with a glimmer of excitement, and a bit of nervousness, which makes me slightly confused. 

My fingers curl around the edge of the sheet, pulling it back and revealing her underneath. 

The sheet flitters slowly down onto the bed as I stare in awe down at the alluring vision below me. 

Apparently, Rey had went out and gotten some lingerie without my knowledge. I don’t know how that happened, but I’m overjoyed that it did. 

She bites her lip, squirming a bit as she lays below me, and I can tell she isn’t sure what I think. 

Her body is adorned with a blue lacy bra and incredibly small matching panties. A layer of sheer, blue lace drapes tightly over her breasts, all the way down to the very top of her thighs where is flares out in a tiny skirt circling her waist. 

I want to say something, but all I can do is gape in admiration as she slowly rises up from the opposite side of the bed, giving me a wonderful view of her from behind before turning back toward me and slowly waking around the edge of the bed. 

“Well?” she asks as she approaches me, and I can tell she feels slightly silly. “How do I look?” 

I curl my hands around her waist, pulling her closer to me, letting the lacy material touch against my bare skin. 

“You’re perfect,” I tell her, my lips grazing over her soft hair.

Her hands press against the back of my legs as I pull my fingers over the thin fabric decorating her naked body. She drags her hands up my thighs until she grabs my backside, pushing her hips against mine, her heated skin burning through the fine fabric. 

I grab her arms, turning her around sharply and pushing her face down into the bed as I feel myself harden. 

I collapse on top of her, grabbing her forearm and pinning it behind her back. 

Her breath hitches in her throat as I pin her down beneath me, my free hand running up the side of her leg, giving her a sharp smack on her thigh. She moans, breathing harder as I push her hair out of the way so my mouth can attack her neck, biting and sucking at her beautiful soft skin, still holding her arm firmly behind her back. 

“Mmm,” she moans blissfully, rubbing her hips back up against me as my teeth graze down her neck down to her shoulder. “ _Ben _,” she pleads, trying to get some friction on herself by grinding against the bed. I shove my hips down harder on top of her, halting her movement.__

__“I love those sweet little moans,” I hum, my tongue tracing up her shoulder, sending a shiver through her body._ _

__My palm strikes down against her ass as my cock rubs between the back of her legs._ _

__“Say my name again,” I order, burying my face in her neck as I clutch her arm tighter._ _

“ _Ben _,” she breathes, her voice barely above a whisper.__

______“Louder,” I command, swatting her behind again and making her grunt._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Ben! _” she cries out as I roughly shove my hips against hers. Her body writhes against mine, feeling like flames licking at my limbs.__

________I release her arm, going to yank my boxers off before grabbing onto the thin lace and pulling it up to give me access to her delicate underwear, which I immediately grasp onto and slide down her thighs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______She groans against the pillows as the soft material caresses down her legs, and I drag my nails back up her skin before pushing her thighs apart and entering her heated body._ _ _ _ _ _

______She bends her elbows, reaching her hands back, and I take them in mine, kissing the tops of them as I push into her, rocking her gently with me as she breathes in the rhythm of my thrusts._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ben,” she whispers, almost breathless. “Ben… I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you so much,” I reply._ _ _ _ _ _

“Ben… Ben, that feels _so _good.”__

__________I get a warm feeling in my chest, and I position myself better on the bed so I can keep stroking up against that spot inside her that drives her crazy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She lets out a small gasp, her back arching slightly as her hands squeeze around mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t stop,” she begs, her voice a small groan in her throat. “Please don’t stop-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I won’t,” I promise her, my own voice sounding almost as euphorically pained as hers. I move faster inside her and touch my forehead against the back her head when I feel her legs go taut._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I moan into her hair when I feel her pussy flutter around me as she rides out her orgasm, pulling me along with her as I release only a few seconds after, keeping ahold of her hands as I do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I move to the side when I collapse onto the bed so that I don’t crush her underneath me, and she releases her grip on my hands as she rolls onto her side, panting as a gleam of sweat covers her chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After we’ve cooled off for a couple seconds, I reach over and pull her worn out body over to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She grins as she rolls over onto her stomach, her chin resting against my arm and the translucent fabric of her undergarments scraping up against my skin, threatening to drive me wild again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can’t control myself with you,” I mutter, taking her hand in mine and pressing my lips against her beautiful skin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I noticed,” she smiles, leaning her cheek against my arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You need to wear this more often,” I inform her, tugging at the sky blue colored material as she laughs up at me. “As in… everyday.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Whatever you say, _my lord _,” she sighs with the nickname she likes to tease me with.__

____________She scoots herself closer against me, and I can see how actually worn out she is, so I put my arm around her and wait for her to drift off to sleep after giving me a very tired ‘goodnight’._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________This past week has been by far, the best in my life. It’s as if we’ve somehow ended up in some amazing dream that I never want to wake up from, but I suppose that’s how a honeymoon is supposed to feel. But it really does feel like paradise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________We sleep in every morning until nine, usually just rolling around in bed and goofing around, then we go downstairs and eat, go outside for a few hours. We have sex whenever we want, and wherever we want. I really couldn’t ask for more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo was ecstatic when he found out I had gotten more than one set of lingerie. I then made a deal with him that I’ll agree to wear them for most of the duration of this vacation, as long as he keeps his shirt off. He’s happy to oblige._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sometimes things do get a little awkward though, especially one time when I put on a very silky pink nightie and try laying down on the leather couch as we settle in to watch Tango & Cash. As soon as I flopped down on the couch, I slid right off. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kylo didn’t even have time to react before I flew down onto the carpet with a thump, my limbs splaying out to try to catch myself and showing off my very bright hot pink underwear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you alright?” he had asked, jumping up from the couch soon after I had tumbled to the floor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I laughed as he kneeled over me, taking my hands and trying to pull me back up. I’d pulled him down on top of me, circling my arms around his neck as I giggled up at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“This is why someone like me can’t pull off being sexy,” I told him. He shook his head, leaning down to kiss my forehead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I disagree,” he protested._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________After I had gotten back on the couch, I layed mostly on top of him, where he kept his arms locked around me so I wouldn’t slide away again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I still feel like I’m probably the last person on the planet who can pull of lingerie, but it’s fun to wear, and Kylo seems to greatly appreciate it, so I continue anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________After about a week or so, Kylo asks me if I want to go into town, to which I eagerly reply that I do. I’d completely forgotten there was a small little town nearby. It’s easy to feel like we’re the only two people in the entire world up here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So, we get dressed up in some warm clothes (since it started raining today) and head out to the little town sitting only about a half mile from where we are staying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It mostly looks like just a collection of shops, at least the part we go to. There are a few cafes and bars, but it’s mostly clothing stores, antique stores, furniture stores, etc._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The buildings look a bit like the house we’re staying in, except bigger of course, and the woods are still closed around every area, looking all the more magnificent with the raindrops splashing off the leaves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s so cute over here,” I smile as we walk up the stairs that lead to a porch displaying the first group of shops. “Maybe we should just move here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Fine with me,” he agrees, taking my hand as we walk into the first store I see, which looks like some kind of book shop. “We’d have to start completely new careers though, because I’m not down with driving almost two hours to work everyday.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We could just work from home,” I decide, pulling him along behind me as I look through the shelves of books. “That way we’d barely have to leave the house.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Now I like the sound of _that _.”__

______________“I thought you would.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The shop is small, but there are some pretty cool books, and I end up picking up _Jane Eyre _and Kylo gets_ Don Quixote. _Though I can’t see us doing much reading over the next couple of weeks.__

__________________“Oh, Kylo look!” I jitter with excitement, pointing to a shop up ahead. “It’s an ice cream parlor!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The sound of him rolling his eyes might as well have been projected throughout the entire town._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You have to get something too,” I tell him once we’ve entered the cute little shop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I hate ice cream.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You haven’t tried it in years.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Because I don’t like it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well I can’t just eat it by myself!” I scoff. “Please?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Nope.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I narrow my gaze at him as we get in line in front of the counter. I step closer to him, my hand brushing up against his leg._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“If you get something, I’ll give you a treat when we get back to the house,” I whisper to him, my eyes giving a badgering gaze. He looks conflicted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Once it’s our turn in line, I get two scoops of cookies and cream with whipped cream on top, and Kylo tentatively orders one scoop of plain chocolate. Which I will finish for him, should he not care for it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The lady behind the counter, an older woman, stares at us with twinkling eyes as her gaze stops briefly on our interlocked hands while she scoops our ice cream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Newlyweds?” she asks, sounding like she already knows the answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yes,” I nod, smiling, but giving her an odd stare. “How did you…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She grins knowingly, looking between the two of us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ve lived here for twenty years, I’ve seen about every honeymoon couple who’ve trotted along through here. And after a while, you’re able to spot ‘em well enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She sounds like Poe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You two make an adorable couple by the way,” she smiles, handing us our ice cream cups while Kylo hands her the credit card._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I blush and Kylo grasps my hand tighter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________We go to sit down at one of the little green round tables on the other side of the shop as I dig into my heavenly ice cream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What do you think?” I ask, carefully watching Kylo’s expression as he takes a hesitant taste of his chocolate ice cream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He freezes for a moment as he lets the taste sink in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It still tastes like mucus,” he decides, and I groan, throwing my head back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t know what else to do,” I shake my head as he pushes his cup over to me. “There’s definitely something wrong with you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I guess so,” he confesses, staring at me oddly as I devour my small pile of delicious goodness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I glance back over to the counter, where the woman is now taking an order from a very weary looking mother with three small children climbing all around her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How do you think that lady knew we just got married?” I ask Kylo as he follows my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What do you mean? She told us why.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know, but… do couples act differently after they’ve just gotten married?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t think I know what you’re getting at.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I sigh, wondering briefly if I shouldn’t even bring this minor worry up at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well, do… are people… less excited about each other? The longer they’re married, I mean.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He stares back at me, looking as if he wants to say my obvious fear is ridiculous._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m sorry, I was just wondering…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Rey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He reaches over to touch his hand against mine, and I look up at him, mindlessly biting my lip._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Are you still thinking about all that stuff you were telling me about a few weeks ago?” he asks, referencing my previous fears of us marrying each other being a huge mistake and would end in us falling out of love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“No,” I answer confidently. “But…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I think the longer you’re married, you just start to be less vocal with how much you love each other,” he explains, to my surprise. “You don’t love each other less, you just mature with them. Soon, we’ll be able to tell each other everything we need to know by just glancing at each other. Now that we’re freshly married, we’re just… excited. But how we feel never fades or lessens in any way.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I breathe a quick sigh of relief. His words make me feel a million times better, even though he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about if he’s never been married before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I really didn’t mean to bring that up on our honeymoon,” I apologize, feeling like a total moron. “I’m sorry, I’m so dramatic.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re not dramatic. Though you do go a little too crazy over really gross desserts.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I stare innocently up at him as I gobble down a spoonful of ice cream and a smile slowly spreads over his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It is pretty cute though,” he admits._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________We spend an hour or so looking through all the shops, then spend some time just walking down the road, through the woods. It’s so amazingly beautiful here. I’ve always loved forests because they feel incredibly private in a way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________We find a bar and grill that we decide to go to later tonight for dinner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________But first, we go back to the house for a little while. And I decide to surprise him again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I walk slowly down the stairs, hiding a few things I’d grabbed from the bondage kit behind my back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Kylo’s in the kitchen putting some food away when I step out from the stairway, slinking over toward the couch and tossing the items behind me and sitting on the top of the couch, waiting for him to turn toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What do you want to do now?” he asks, finishing wiping down the counter and tossing some paper towels in the trash._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t know,” I sigh, twirling my toe against the light hardwood floor. “I thought maybe I’d give you that treat I promised you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He stops, letting the cabinet swing closed before he turns back to me, looking intrigued._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I slowly slide down off the couch, leaning up against the leather and letting his eyes wash over me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I’ve put on, what is probably the raunchiest set of undergarments I’d bought: a black lace push up bra and matching panties, coupled with garter belts on both my thighs that hold up a pair of long, sheer black stockings that cover my entire leg up to my thighs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I thought I’d feel ridiculous, but I think I’m getting used to it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________His eyes practically fall out of his head as I step forward, turning back slowly and making sure he gets a good look at everything, before walking back and plopping down on the sofa chair beside the fireplace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I spread my knees apart, leaning back against the chair as he begins walking over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Down on your hands and knees,” I stop him before he gets too far. He pauses, narrowing his eyes as if he isn’t sure he heard me correctly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Get down on your hands and knees and crawl to me,” I speak slowly, feeling heat beginning to burn through me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I see a flash of excitement in Kylo’s eyes before he slowly kneels down to the floor, leaning forward onto his hands before continuing to move toward me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I stare him down until he arrives between my legs, looking up at me mischievously before leaning his head forward, his hands rising to my knees._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Keep your hands down,” I instruct. “Just use your mouth.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________His hands slowly lower back down to his sides as he grins to himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“How am I supposed to-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Use your _mouth _.”__

____________________His eyes raise up to meet mine as he lowers his head again, keeping his gaze on me until his lips touch the fabric between my legs. His teeth wrap against the material, pulling it to the side, before his tongue licks up my slit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I push my thighs together, trapping his face between my legs as I curl my fingers through his hair. He moans against me, his teeth grazing along my clit before his tongue slides inside me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I pull him away from me before either of us can get too excited._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I hold him by his hair as I stand up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Follow me,” I tell him, stepping around him, still keeping a light hold on his hair with one hand while I make my way slowly back over to the couch while he crawls along beside me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I grab one of the items I’d thrown onto the couch: a thick black leather collar that really is just a large version of the cuffs that is supposed to fit around someone’s neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I turn back to him, strapping the collar around his neck and dragging my finger along his chin before taking ahold of the thin leather leash attached to the front of the collar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I stand up, looking down at him as he stares up expectantly at me, waiting patiently for me to continue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You look so good like this,” I admire him, running my palm over his soft hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Thank you,” he smirks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I pull on the leash, yanking his head forward so that he’s inches from my center._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Are you going to behave?” I ask, teasing my fingers down the back of his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Yes,” he promises, his voice softer as I see his hands itching to touch me. I lean over to the couch to snatch up the last two items I’d brought down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Good,” I commend, releasing the leash and pulling his arm up so I can place the leather cuff around his wrist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I love you like this,” he whispers seductively, trying to lean up and touch his lips to my ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Don’t talk,” I order, leaning away from him and placing the second cuff tightly around his other wrist. “Or I’ll tighten that collar.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________His slightly elevated gaze tells me he wouldn’t mind that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I lean forward, running my hands down his smooth, bare chest, stroking down his skin as he closes his eyes is delight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Now where should I put you?” I wonder out loud, glancing around the area and trying to think of a place to secure him that would give me proper access to all of his body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I stand up, taking the leash in my hand again and walking toward the stairs, dragging Kylo along behind me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I bring him to the side of the stairs and have him kneel with his back against the rail. I take his cuffed wrists and hold them above his head, tying the straps together against the top of the railing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I slowly drag my hands down his arms and over his body, all the way down to his waist. I undo his pants, yanking them down along with his underwear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I’m glad to see you’re enjoying yourself,” I tease him, gently caressing his erection as he moans quietly, his body moving forward as much as he can in his restraints._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I turn around, leaning my back against him, letting my body rub against his as I slide down to my knees._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Do you want to touch me?” I ask, my hands scratching down his thighs as I feel his cock poking into my back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Yes,” he groans, sounding like he’s in pain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Good.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I turn around slowly, making sure he feels every inch of me, before I lightly tap my fingers around his dick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I try not to giggle when his waist lunges forward at this as an incredibly sexy whining noise comes from his throat. My other hand goes to gently rub his thighs, running the back of my hand down his skin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Can you come for me, Kylo?” I whisper, feeling myself grow wet as I watch him writhing against the bars of the stairs while I rub my hand against his thigh while tracing my fingers along his aching member._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________His knees spread farther apart, begging me to continue as his head falls back against the bars, his eyes squeezed tightly shut while his hands curl into fists._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________My hand drags around the back of his thigh, roughly grabbing his ass while my other hand drops down to lightly tickle my nails around his balls._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Rey _,” he gasps, his cock beginning to drip as I cup his balls in my hand, lightly running my fingertips against them as they fall through my fingers.__

______________________“Answer me,” I compel him, my nails dragging down his backside as I go to run my thumb over the head of his dick, spreading his precum over him. “Are you going to come for me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Yes,” he answers, his voice sounding strangled as his wrists slam against the rail while I rub my index finger just underneath his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Good boy,” I commend him, using my thumb and forefinger to roughly rub against his cock, making him practically melt into my hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Beg me,” I demand, continuing to caress my fingers along his shaft._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Please _, Rey,” he grunts, twisting around against the restraints. I wrap my entire hand around his length, steadily moving up and down, going faster as his excitement increases.__

________________________“Come,” I whisper, feeling him twitch in my hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He does exactly as I say barely a second after I’ve spoken, releasing in my hand, a heavenly moan coming from his lips as he arches slightly against the railing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I stand up, wiping my hand off on one of the paper towels that are thankfully nearby, and then undoing his cuffs from the stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Fuck,” he sighs as he collapses right onto the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh, shit,” I gasp, kneeling down to try and pull him back up. “Kylo, are you ok?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He just laughs as he rolls onto his back and grabs onto my wrists, pulling me down on top of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You are so fucking sexy,” he tells me, his hands running up along the sheer fabric covering my legs and ending at my thighs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I grin, tracing my hands over the collar still covering his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Why thank you,” I blush. “And, I think we should keep this on you when we go out to dinner tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I do end up releasing him from the collar before we leave to head back into town for dinner, however reluctantly. I’d never considered how amazing it would feel to lead my husband around on a leash, since I’m not really someone you’d call a sexually creative person. But even Kylo admitted he would very much like to do that again, so I must have done something right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________The place we go to is very cute: a large eating area outside on a deck with a huge overhang above us, with an array of softly glowing tiny lanterns hanging off the ends of the roof._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I decide to put my hair up in a ponytail and wear a pair of silver stud earrings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I wear a pair of tight fitting blue jeans that are rolled up slightly at the ankles, along with a pair of tan colored heeled sandals. I put on a form fitting dark purple t shirt that’s covered in a soft shimmer, and I put on my leather jacket as well, since it’s late and chilly outside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Kylo insists I wear my black lingerie under my clothes, but I’m not entirely sure that would feel comfortable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________We sit at a table right beside the lanterns, looking out over the edge of the balcony into the town below._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________For our drinks, I order a hot chocolate since it’s freezing out, and Kylo orders his tea that he always gets when we’re out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Can I ask you something, Kylo?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Of course.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I take a sip from my hot chocolate, keeping my hands on it once I’ve set it down so it can continue warming me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Did you have a girlfriend before me? Like a serious girlfriend. Someone you were with for a while.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“The longest relationship I had before you was, maybe a month.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Really?” I grin. “When?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I told you, my senior year of high school.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I know, but you never told me anything about her. You never told me about any of the girls before me. Did you have a type, were they all different? Did you break up with them or did they break up with you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He leans back in his seat, narrowing his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Is this some kind of trick?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What?” I gape at him. “Why would I be tricking you, I just want to know!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“All of a sudden you want to know about my past girlfriends while we’re here on our honeymoon…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Relax my dear, I’m just curious. We’re married now, I want to know everything about you. Everything, down to the tiniest detail.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He looks indecisive for a moment, but I think he’s just teasing me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Ok, but then you have to tell me everything I don’t know about you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I’m not sure what about me he doesn’t know at this point, but I’m willing to answer anything he asks, I guess._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Her name was Kim. She was sixteen and I was seventeen when we started going out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh, how scandalous.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I know, unheard of,” he grins. “We had a few classes together, then we met up at some party that I hated. She wasn’t having a great time either, so we left and went to get something to eat. Then we went back to her house, and… well, her parents weren’t home, so…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Ah,” I nod slowly, before sipping thoughtfully from my hot chocolate. “I see.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Yeah. She said she really liked me, so we started seeing each other after that. I think it lasted as long as it did because we were kind of the same. We liked keeping to ourselves and we were awkward around other people.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh, I wish I’d known you in high school,” I shake my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Yeah, I was pretty much a mess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Why did the two of you break up?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Well, being two introverted teenagers who didn’t know shit about keeping a relationship, we just kind of grew apart.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You weren’t ready to have a relationship,” I confirm, knowing the feeling all too well. “I made it a personal rule to not date anyone until I was long out of high school, simply because I had no idea what I wanted out of life. Let alone, how to handle a serious relationship.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“That was probably a good idea,” he agrees. “I can’t tell you how many things I regret doing back in high school.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Mm, like going to parties you hated?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What did Kim look like?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________A waiter comes to take our orders before he can answer me, so I have to quickly gaze over the menu to see what I want. I end up just agreeing to split a huge steak with Kylo, ordering myself an extra side of french fries._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What do you mean what did she look like?” Kylo asks me after the waiter’s left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Exactly that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He sighs, tracing his finger around the glass of iced tea, staring intently at the condensation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“She had really light blonde hair that she always dyed red. She was a little shorter than me and she had… kind of a mousy face.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Did you always go for blondes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“No,” he laughs. “I never really had a ‘type’, I just went for whoever I thought looked nice. I tried to go for girls who weren’t bitchy, but I got a little unlucky once or twice.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh. Did you have your heart broken?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“No. I was usually the one to cut things off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Really?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He nods, taking a gulp of his tea._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What, you thought I was always the one chasing after everyone?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You chased after me,” I remind him. He looks like he’s about to shoot back a quick comeback, but he eventually just blushes a bit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Ok, but that doesn’t count. I was serious about you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Our food arrives after a while, and we cut the medium rare steak in half, where I then pair it with my french fries, and he pairs his with the potatoes and green beans it came with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“So, now it’s your turn,” he begins after we’ve dug into our meal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I seriously don’t know what you could possibly want to know about me, I’ve told you anything worth knowing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Did you have any crushes when you were in school?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I scoff at the question, perhaps because I wasn’t expecting it. Or maybe because I think myself foolish for not expecting it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Of course. Doesn’t everyone?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Tell me about them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I sigh, staring consideringly out over the railing of the balcony as I try remembering the boys I went to high school with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“There was this one boy… Devon.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Kylo rolls his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Devon? _” he asks in disbelief.__

“Yes, and excuse me, your girlfriend was _Kim _, so don’t hound me on cliche crush names. Anyway, he was this really sweet guy, he didn’t dress like a jackass, which was how most of the guys at my school dressed. That’s what I mostly noticed about him, he wasn’t into sports like all the other guys, he had really nice hair, and he took things seriously. I sat with him in my Music Appreciation class that I took freshman year, and he knew so much about music and movies…”__

____________________________I snap my gaze back to Kylo, who’s giving me a very smug grin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Oh, Force, it’s you,” I groan with incredulity. “Holy shit.” He nods in agreement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Rey. You have a ‘type’.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Son a bitch,” I curse, leaning back in my seat and putting my hand to my forehead. “Ok, but he didn't look anything like you. He was really small and skinny and he had dirty blonde hair.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Ok, so you don’t have a ‘look type’. You have a personality type.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I do,” I continue gaping down at the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You told me once that some guy asked you out right after high school,” Kylo continues. “Was it him?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Oh goodness, no. After freshman year and we didn’t have anymore classes together, I’m pretty sure he forgot I even exist. The one who asked me out was this guy named Geoffrey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________I sigh, remembering that day well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“It was right after graduation, the poor guy came and asked me to go out with him to Chick-Fil-A.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Now Kylo nearly busts out laughing and I slam my hand on the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Hey, he was trying,” I insist on Geoffrey’s behalf. “He wasn't an asshole or anything, but… I don’t know, I was really caught off guard, I didn’t even think he really knew who I was.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Why did you say no?” Kylo asks, still grinning. “I mean, I’m glad you said no, but why?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Because I’d heard he’d gone through more than a couple girlfriends throughout the year. But besides that, I really wasn’t ready. I told him I’d be happy to go as a friend thing, but he said he was really _into _me.”__

______________________________I shudder, recalling how awkward that conversation had been._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Yet another situation Poe had to come in and assist me with making a respectable exit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________I smirk up at Kylo as he nods in consideration at my story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“You’re glad I didn’t go out with Geoffrey?” I ask, half teasing and half wanting to hear him admit it again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“I am,” he affirms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Why?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Because you might have ended up liking him back.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________I laugh at his comment, completely unable to imagine myself in a serious relationship with Geoffrey Stetson from high school._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Can we get back to you now,” I insist, popping a french fry into my mouth. “You’re past romantic life is far more diverse and interesting than mine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I don’t know if I’d call it _romantic _.”__

“Ok, then your _sex _life. But I thought we should use a more family friendly word since we’re in public.”__

__________________________________“Which is another reason we can’t talk much about my past romantic life.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I pause considering his point._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“True.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________After we’re done with dinner, we decide to go over to the bar to have a drink. I order something called a Blushing Geisha, which is extremely fruity, made up of a lovely light pink color and topped with a beautiful bright pink flower._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Kylo orders something called a Norina, which he thought looked like it would be plain enough, because it pretty much just looks like clear liquid, but it turns out to have a strong peach flavor, which catches him off guard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“I’ll drink the rest of it,” I insist, taking the glass from him. “You’re driving, so what do I have to worry about?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Well, what am I gonna have now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“I don’t know,” I laugh. “Get a beer.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________He sighs, squinting over at the menu to try and see what else he can get._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“So who was it who asked you out when you first started working?” he asks me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Oh my goodness, Kylo, I can’t even believe you remember me telling you that,” I laugh, recalling only ever bringing that up years ago when we’d first gotten together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Does he still work with you?” he continues._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“No. He was an intern, but I think he got into a really nice college somewhere in Crait.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Kylo orders the plainest, most boring martini on the menu before turning back to face me while I sip from my tasty drink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Has anyone asked you out since we’ve been engaged?” I ask him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“No,” he scoffs. “I would have told you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I turn back to sip from my drink, feeling a small pang of guilt as I realize that is probably a respectful thing to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Oh,” I acknowledge, knowing he’s absolutely going to know I’m trying to hide something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“What?” he asks. His eyes widen in a mixture of confusion and concern. “Did someone ask you out?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“No,” I giggle. “Well… not exactly-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“It was at that fucking bar that night, wasn’t it,” he assumes, to my amusement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“No, it wasn’t at my bachelorette party,” I tell him. “It was at Yogurtland when I went after work one time with Finn.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Kylo raises his eyebrows at me, waiting for me to continue with this story. I sigh, setting my drink down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“I was sitting there with my mango and pecan yogurt, minding my own business while Finn was still trying to get all his toppings sorted out, and then some really young guy comes up and starts making conversation, about how… I don’t know attractive I look.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Kylo’s eyes narrow and he actually looks worried for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“It wasn’t weird,” I assure him. “He was actually quite civil. But I did have to inform him that I was a married woman.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________At this, his expression lightens._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“You told him you were married?” he asks, beginning to smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Well, yeah,” I say. “The engagement ring was right there on my hand, so I figured I would just pretend we’d moved things along already. It’s not as if he would know that I was lying.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“So, did he fuck off?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Yes,” I reassure him, going back to my drink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________I wait for him to say something else, maybe ask me why in the hell I didn't inform him of this sooner. But an amused expression spreads over Kylo’s face as he shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“I can’t leave you alone for five minutes, can I?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“Apparently not,” I shrug. “And don’t think I won’t be keeping a closer eye on you from now on. I think Poe was right about all that forbidden fruit stuff, the two of us just became a million times more attracted since we got hitched.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	51. Chapter 51

Rey P.O.V.

Once we get home, I feel so worn out, that I pretty much just collapse on the couch. Kylo heads upstairs, and when I hear the water running, I assume he’s just taking a shower. But he comes downstairs after a little bit and gently pulls me up from the couch. 

“What is it?” I ask as he lifts me up into his arms and begins heading up the stairs. 

“I have a surprise,” he answers mysteriously. 

“Oh, really? What is this surprise?”

“Well I can’t tell you yet, silly.” 

“Right,” I relent, laying my head against his chest. “Or else it wouldn’t be a surprise. Did you take a shower? I thought I heard the water running.”

He carries me into the bedroom, where the light is turned on low, as it usually is, since we make love in here every night. But then he takes me into the bathroom, which is lit softly by an array of deep colored candles, small golden flames flickering around the large bathtub sitting in the corner of the room. 

I gape at the petal-filled water sitting quietly in the tub as Kylo sets me down on my feet. He turns me toward him, and I smile at him in astonishment.

“Do you like it?” he asks, pulling my leather jacket off and placing it off to the side before lifting my shirt up.

“You continue to amaze me with your romantic side,” I laugh, raising my arms up so he can pull my shirt off. 

“I like to keep you on your toes.” 

He lifts me up again, sitting me on the edge of the tub so he can remove my shoes and then my jeans. 

He stands up to take off his own clothes while I undo my bra and slide out of my panties, looking back eagerly at the inviting bathtub.  
I feel Kylo’s warm arms around me as he helps me into the tub, the water feeling mercifully warm around me as I sink in through the soft petals, laying on top of him as he pulls my body beneath the surface. 

I shrink up against his body, humming in satisfaction as my eyes close and he takes one of the loofahs that is sitting on the ledge of the tub, dipping it into the water and beginning to tenderly massage it against the inside of my leg, while his other arm snakes around my stomach, holding me up against him. 

“It smells so good,” I comment, looking down into the water, wondering if he’d put any oils in it or something. “What is that?”

“I think it’s the candles,” he answers, and I look over at the couple of candles sitting on the ledge of the window just above the tub. I smile to myself as Kylo moves to softly scrub down my other leg.

“I see you’ve gotten into the candles Poe got for us.”

“Mm hm,” he assures, dragging the softened fabric across my stomach. “The ones that turn the wax into massage oil.” 

“They’re beautiful.”

His lips touch against my neck as he cradles me against him.

“So are you.” 

He takes his time, gently rubbing the sponge over my body in slow, circular motions, giving me chills as the warm water trickles down my shoulders and my spine, then the back of my neck or down my chest. 

I turn around so we can switch and I can do him, then he lets me wash his hair and he washes mine. Usually, when we shower, he likes washing my hair himself, but I can never return the favor because he’s so damn tall that I can’t reach that high and do a good job. Here, I’m finally able to repay him. I even start kneading my hands down to his ears, which I’m pleased to see tickles him.

“Why don’t we do this more often?” I inquire while I lean against the back of the tub as Kylo takes my foot in his hands, massaging my ankle while he slowly rotates my foot, relieving any tension left within the area. 

“I don’t know, but we’ve obviously been missing out,” he admits, beginning to rub his thumbs against my arch. “I think we’re starting to prune.”

“I can’t even remember the last time I actually took a bath. A bath that felt good, anyway. _Ah! _”__

__I inhale sharply as he traces his fingernail up the sole of my foot, causing me to jerk forward, sloshing a bunch of water out of the tub._ _

__“Kylo, don’t!” I laugh as he grins, continuing to casually tickle the underside of my foot. “You’re getting water everywhere!”_ _

“ _You’re _getting water everywhere.”__

______“You’d better be careful!” I holler at him through my laughter when he refuses to let up, causing me to thrash around in the tub, trying to shake free of his steel grip. “Remember, I’m not a strong swimmer!”_ _ _ _ _ _

____“If you start drowning, I’ll pull you out by your foot,” he promises, unable to get the words out without breaking into laughter as I try scooting my body up and out of the tub to get away from him._ _ _ _

____“Well, now you’ve gotten water and petals all over the floor,” I snicker, glancing around at the mess I’ve just made because of him._ _ _ _

____“We’d better get out anyway,” he says, finally releasing my foot and letting it dip back down into the water. “I think the oil in the candles is probably ready.”_ _ _ _

____I’m a little nervous about the candles at first. Before Kylo and I really started to get experimental with sex, I had done my research on everything necessary, and I heard pouring hot wax on each other is actually a thing. A thing that’s supposed to be very sexy and feel incredible._ _ _ _

____But as I sit down on the bed while Kylo sets the candles on the bedside table, I find myself getting slightly tense._ _ _ _

____“Do you think they’re cooled off enough?” I ask as he blows out the last of the candles. “What did the directions say?”_ _ _ _

____“They said to touch your finger in it first to see if it’s ‘to your liking’. It feels pretty cool to me. Try it.”_ _ _ _

____I reach my hand out, lightly touching my finger to the liquid sitting elegantly in the cup of the candle holder._ _ _ _

____It’s pretty warm, but not scalding._ _ _ _

____“So… do you know how we’re supposed to do this?” I ask him._ _ _ _

____He picks up one of the candles, sitting beside me on the bed, turning me slightly and guiding me down onto my stomach._ _ _ _

____“Just relax yourself,” he encourages, his hand tracing comfortingly down my side. “I’m gonna pour it on you, just down along your back. It’s not actually candle wax, it’s supposed to be used as massage oil, so it’s not going to burn quite as much.”_ _ _ _

____I nod quickly, still feeling butterflies in my stomach, but they might be more from excitement rather than fear._ _ _ _

____“Ok,” I agree, my eyes glancing over my shoulder as much as they can when he raises his hand, holding the doused candle above me. I squeeze my eyes shut. “Can you just tell me right when you’re about to pour it?”_ _ _ _

____It’s quiet for a moment, and then I hear him laugh quietly._ _ _ _

____“Rey, we don’t have to do this if you’re freaked out.”_ _ _ _

____“I want to do it,” I insist. “I’m just… I’ve never done this before.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ve never done it either. And trust me, if this were real candle wax, I wouldn’t be doing it, because I have no idea what the rules for that are. I do however know how to safely handle massage oil.”_ _ _ _

____I smirk to myself, imagining the smug look he probably has on his face._ _ _ _

____“I know it’s not really wax, but… can you just say what part of me you’re about to pour it on? Like right before you do it? Just so I’m ready.”_ _ _ _

____“Yes. Ready?”_ _ _ _

____“Ready.”_ _ _ _

____“Alright, it’s gonna land right here.” He touches his finger between my shoulder blades. “And then it’s going to go down a little bit, to here.” He drags his finger down a couple inches. “Is that ok?”_ _ _ _

____“Yes. You may continue.”_ _ _ _

____I brace myself, my body tensing slightly as I prepare for whatever sensation I’m about to feel down my spine._ _ _ _

____I nearly start laughing out loud when the oil hits my skin. It’s texture is light, almost silky, like some kind of expensive lotion that’s maybe been warmed up a few degrees. But certainly not the searing feeling I’d imagined._ _ _ _

____“How is that?” he asks, after dripping a short line down the top of my back._ _ _ _

____“Kylo, I think I’m the most clueless person in the world when it comes to anything remotely sensual.”_ _ _ _

____He chuckles as I groan against the pillow, embarrassed at my irrational worries._ _ _ _

“I wouldn’t say _clueless _,” he challenges.__

________“Hm, what would you say-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______My mouth hangs open before I’ve barely gotten the sentence out and I feel another smooth line of warm liquid trailing down my back, a ribbon of comforting heat that makes my back arch slightly._ _ _ _ _ _

“I’d say _careful _,” he answers, his voice a quiet hum as he pours out the rest of the oil into my back in a delicate pattern that almost makes my eyes see stars.__

__________He sets the candle back on the nightstand before his hands lightly touch against my back. He rubs his palms slowly down my back, spreading the oil around my skin and between his fingers, before running his hands back up my sides._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After he’s done this for a few seconds, his hands go up to my shoulders, kneading against my muscles. I really had no idea how much I needed a massage, because apparently I’m insanely tense._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Is that feeling better?” he asks, his hands spreading the warm oil over my body, stroking it against my skin while he massages the tension out of my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I think you might have missed out on a successful career,” I inform him, my voice making me sound half asleep because I’m so deep in bliss. “Did someone teach you how to do this or something?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Not really. I learned how to do it on myself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You learned how to give yourself a sexual massage?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, I learned how to rub all of the tension out of my neck.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How does that work? Wouldn’t that just make your shoulders more strained?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes. But at least my neck feels better.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I laugh quietly, opening my eyes only slightly as he starts rubbing down my arms, all the way to my hands, my fingers, and then down my legs, easily manipulating any stiffness left in me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We use up almost all of the candles just on myself, but I’m way too unwinded at this point to protest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Thank you,” I mumble against the sheets as he gently lifts me up, lying beneath me and pulling me on top of him. “Do you… did you want me to do something for you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No,” he whispers, planting a kiss on my shoulder. “I just got you all relaxed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I lay loosely draped on top of his body while he reaches over to grab the last candle on the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He tips the royal blue colored object, letting the warm liquid spill out onto my abdomen. He rubs the oil all around me, his face buried in my neck, kissing and suckling at my skin as he massages my front, his hands reaching up to encase my breasts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Once the oil is mostly gone from his hands, he reaches one hand down to stroke down my labia, still cupping my breast with the other palm. I moan wantonly as he continues teasing me, using his fingertip to part my lips and continuing slowly stroking back and forth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I breath heavily as his finger starts circling around my clit, his other hand pinching my nipple between his fingers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I want you to show me,” he whispers against my neck, his circles getting tighter and tighter until only just grazes across my pleasure button._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Show you?” I question, my voice breathless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He traces his finger along the side of my breast, making me shiver against him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Show me how you touch yourself,” he instructs, his voice still low against my ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I exhale heavily as my back arches, while his hand vanishes from my center to take mine up from where it’s laying practically useless on the bed. He places my hand on my mound, his palm resting on top of mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I dip my fingers inside myself, and he follows in behind me. I press and rub myself in the way I usually do when I’m doing it on my own, remembering a time years ago when I had been in my apartment, alone in my bed, touching myself in this way and imagining what it would feel like to have Kylo’s hands caress me like this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His other hand goes back to my nipple, taking it between his fingers and twisting it slightly. I whine in response as I rub myself harder, while he slides his fingers inside me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I feel myself quiver around him as my body goes boneless against his, a breathless sigh of ecstasy coming from my mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His hand leave me, his fingers dragging up my stomach and across the four light scars that still linger on my skin, making me shudder. He traces up between my breasts, along my neck, and up to my lips, leaving a long line of arousal up my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Open,” he whispers, as he presses his fingers against my lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I part my lips as he pushes his fingers into my mouth. I suck against his fingers as he rests them on my tongue, rubbing softly against the muscle and smearing my essence against my taste buds, which he has gotten me used to over the years. And I still don’t see what he finds so good about it, it tastes rather bland._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn my head against his chest as he leans down to capture my lips in his, his hands latching onto my hips as he turns me back around so that I’m laying back against the bed, feeling more amazing than I ever thought possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He gets up to go turn out the light before crawling back into bed, throwing the covers up around us as he hovers over my very still form._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I reach up to grab onto him, but he quickly takes my wrists in his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No,” he shakes his head, easing my arms back down to my sides. “You just relax and don’t lift a finger. I’ll take care of everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn pink, hoping that the small amount of moonlight coming from the large glass window isn’t highlighting my bashfulness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ben, I love you so much,” I whisper to him as his hands stroke against my face. “I never want to be apart from you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m not ever leaving you,” he promises. “You’re my entire life, Rey. You’re my heart, my spirit, my soul…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I know the two of us are probably incredibly intoxicated from the night’s events, and that’s probably why our emotions are running so strong right now. But I could care less. All I want to think, see, touch, taste, or feel, is him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And his loving touches against my skin, through my hair, on my lips, tell me his thoughts reciprocate mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________* * *_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The days pass by too fast. I’ve stopped keeping track of what day of the week it is, because everytime I figure it out, I decide it’s way too close to when we go home. But as much as I ignore it, our final week away form the world is somehow upon us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We spend most of the days walking through the woods, or swimming in the river. We sit out on the porch for breakfast and lunch, sometimes dinner if it’s warm enough. It’s easy to fall into this lifestyle and pretend it’s what we’ve been doing for years. I seriously am considering moving out here one day, even though I know it’s impractical. Rey tells me we should come back out here and buy this place once we’ve retired and won’t have to worry about working anymore. That seems a little too far out of reach at the moment, but I suppose it’s a nice goal to have._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________We decide to call Finn and Poe one night while we’re making dinner, because I think Rey might miss them a bit. And, I would like to get some explanations about our wedding presents._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Holy shit, is it really you?” Finn answers on the fifth ring._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It is!” Rey answers excitedly as she stirs the macaroni and cheese she’s making in the pot on the stove. “I feel like it’s been ages!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We didn’t think we’d hear from you until you got back,” Finn laughs, sounding as if he missed her as well. “Are we your first call?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You sure are,” she confirms. “How is everything going at the office without me there?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hell, we’re running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I’m serious Rey, with you constantly moving everyone along, we get more done in one day than we can do by ourselves in a week.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, Force, am I going to have a stack of work to get through when I come back?” she groans._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No no, I’m taking care of it. Leia made me temporarily in charge, so I’m doing my best to get everything running smoothly again. But obviously, I don’t have your crazy organization skills.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll figure it out, it’s quite easy once you get in the groove.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hey Finn, I have a question!” I call over from where I’m chopping up the vegetables for the salad._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, Kylo, you’re here too!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes I am, and I would like to ask you and Poe about the wedding gifts we received.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s silent on the other line and I hear Rey snickering to herself as she sets the phone down on the counter and goes to pour some milk into the noodles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ok, listen, I had very little to do with that, that was all Poe. I got you the throw pillows and the blanket, he was the one who decided to go online to this kinky sex site and get you guys all that… stuff.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Where is he?” Rey asks. “Usually I’m able to hear him even if he’s three rooms away.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“He’s working late. I know time for you two is irrelevant right now, but if you recall, he works through dinner on most nights.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh,” Rey nods, suddenly remembering. “That’s right. Shit, I wanted to talk to him too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, if you call back in about two hours, he should be home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Rey and I go silent, glancing over at each other for a brief second. Even through the phone line, Finn can apparently sense what’s going on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Unless you two are… busy. With your wedding presents.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah yeah,” Rey shrugs him off, not denying his suggestion. “Don’t tell Poe until tomorrow, or else he’ll make sure to call us when we’re… right in the middle of everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How would he be able to know when we’re right in the middle of everything?” I ask in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, he has a sixth sense for that shit,” Finn assures me. “I’ll tell him tomorrow. And I’m sure he’d be happy to give you an incredibly long and detailed explanation of the wedding gifts.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We know how they work,” Rey laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I hope so. He thought it wouldn’t be sexy if he sent an instruction manual, but he assumed Kylo would be pretty confused by a lot of it-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The fuck?!” I ask in outrage. “Why would she know about everything and not me?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t know,” Finn chuckles. “I think he assumes you’re more innocent than you come off as.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Well, now Poe has more things he has to answer to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Rey stays on the phone with Finn for most of dinner, but I’m fine with it. I realize this is probably the longest she’s been away from him, and they’ve been close for practically their entire lives. So I let her be while we eat our dinner at the small dining room table, her shoveling that gooey cheesy mess of noodles into her mouth while I chomp down on my vegetable salad._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Earlier today, I’d asked Rey if she would be willing to give a repeat of what she did to me a few days ago, before we had gone out to dinner. She seemed surprised, which shocked me, since I thought she was very aware of how turned on I was at her performance. Besides that, she seemed to know what she was doing, so I assumed she felt comfortable doing it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Thankfully, she admitted she enjoyed it a lot as well, and agreed to do it again tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So, I spend a good chunk of the night handcuffed to the bed and blindfolded while she comes up with various ways to torment me. I couldn’t be more jubilant._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	52. Chapter 52

Kylo P.O.V.

I walk out to the softly lit back porch, the only source of illumination being the lights coming from the bubbling hot tub, which Rey is currently lounging in, her head tossed back over the edge as she revels in the jets massaging hot water all around her. We’d had a rather adventurous day, hiking up a trail in the woods.

“How are you feeling?” I ask her, sliding myself into the warm embrace of the jacuzzi, the frothy water acting as a thick blanket against the chilly night air. 

“I feel fantastic,” she answers, her eyes opening to star up at the sky, patterned against the strings of leaves hanging from the branches of the trees. “Can we get a hot tub in our backyard?” 

I chuckle, scooting over next to her as she lays peacefully against the tub. 

“I think we could certainly benefit from one. But then Finn and Poe would probably never leave our house.”

“Mm,” she murmurs in agreement.  
I look over at her to see her eyes drooping, and I can tell she’s close to falling asleep. She always gets drowsy whenever she’s really warm. 

“I love you,” she tells me, her voice sounding slightly more awake. 

“I love you too,” I laugh, wondering what’s on her mind. “Are you ready to go back home?”

“No,” she sighs. “I’d be perfectly happy if we could stay out here for another three weeks.” She pauses, leaning forward, away from the edge of the tub, sloshing through the fizzing water. “But… I don’t know. I’m excited to re-enter society as a married woman.” 

“I’m glad I’ll be able to tell people you’re my wife. I was hoping that would get people to stop flirting with you, but apparently that won’t be the case.” 

“Hey, you don’t realize how many women check you out everywhere we go. They just don’t say anything for some reason, guys will come up and talk to me. Which makes no sense, because you’re insanely intimidating.”

“Maybe women don’t come up and flirt with me because they think _you’re _intimidating.”__

__“Me?” she laughs, leaning back against the tub. “I’m literally the tiniest person I know.”_ _

__I move over next to her, wrapping my arm around her bare waist and pulling her up against me. She leans her head on my shoulder, sighing tiredly._ _

__“I guess… I’m sad to leave, but I’m excited for the future,” she explains. “I’m excited to start my life with my husband. And getting to boast to everyone at work that I’m Rey Solo now.”_ _

_Rey Solo _. I’m glad she decided to take my last name. That I had to legally change back to being my last name.__

______I kiss the side of her head as she lays against my side._ _ _ _ _ _

____“Thank you for marrying me,” I whisper to her._ _ _ _

____“Thank you for asking me,” she replies._ _ _ _

____We stay like this for a couple more minutes, soaking in the gurgling water as I stare out at the quieted woods, the gentle flow of the river shimmering in the moonlight._ _ _ _

____I reach over to turn off the jets in the hot tub and carefully lift Rey out of the warm water._ _ _ _

____“Come on, sleepy girl,” I mutter as she groans, shivering uncomfortably at the absence of the warm water that is replaced by the harsh, autumn air._ _ _ _

____She sighs heavily, sounding like she’s trying to protest as I walk us back to the house. But she’s fallen back asleep before I’ve even closed the door behind us once we step inside._ _ _ _

____* * *_ _ _ _

____Rey P.O.V._ _ _ _

____As soon as I wake up, I feel a twinge if disappointment when I remember today is our last day here. We have to be out of here by tomorrow morning at ten, so we’ll probably be heading out around this time._ _ _ _

____I roll over onto my side to see that I’m alone in the bed this morning. I hear someone moving around downstairs, so I guess Kylo has gone ahead and started making breakfast. Which I could use some of as well._ _ _ _

____I sit up tiredly, blinking my eyes against the early light pouring through the gigantic glass window. I’m really going to miss this room._ _ _ _

____I grab my engagement ring and wedding ring off the bedside table and quickly slip them on, something I’m getting quite used to doing every morning. I usually don’t wear rings a lot, in fear that they might get caught or slip off sometime during the day. But wearing these feels like a badge of honor, like they’re a symbol of something there are no words for._ _ _ _

____I step down onto the dark wood floor, and realize Kylo must have changed me into my pajamas last night, because I really can’t remember anything after sitting in the hot tub with him, especially not putting on the thin, sheer purple nightie I’m wearing now. It is luxuriously comfortable though._ _ _ _

____I hop down the stairs, feeling refreshed from getting a full night of sleep. I turn into the kitchen to see Kylo making eggs on the stove._ _ _ _

____“Good morning,” I greet him, walking up and slipping my arms around his waist._ _ _ _

____“Good morning,” he laughs, kissing me softly on my head as I hug him. “You certainly took quite a long rest.”_ _ _ _

____“I think I really needed that,” I sigh, pulling away from him and going to the cabinet. “For the past couple of weeks, I’ve barely slept six hours every night._ _ _ _

____“I know. When we get home, the first thing I’m doing is taking a two day nap.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t even want to think about having to get up early,” I grumble, grabbing some cereal from the cabinet and getting a bowl to pour it in._ _ _ _

____“I know. But, if we don’t go to work, we don’t have money to do things like this all the time, we won’t have enough for retirement…”_ _ _ _

____“I know, I know.” I pour some milk into the bowl, then go over to sit at the counter. “Careers are a wonderful thing.”_ _ _ _

____“Do you want some eggs? I made sunny side up.”_ _ _ _

____“Sure, that sounds good.”_ _ _ _

____I watch him as he turns off the stove, then grabs a couple of plates from the cabinet, walking back over to scoop the eggs out onto the plate._ _ _ _

____I picture the two of us, years from now, doing just this. Maybe in a different house, or still in the one we live in now. The two of us, a married couple, living out the rest of our lives._ _ _ _

____I know it’s not always going to be like a honeymoon. We’ll hit hard times with each other again, I’m sure. And that idea used to scare me._ _ _ _

____But if things could be this good, if I can feel as happy as I have been the past three weeks, or even in the past couple of years, I know there is no way my love for him will ever fade over time, as I once feared it would. There is no possible way our future together can be anything but the happy ending I always secretly wished I’d have._ _ _ _

____This man loves me and he’ll never stop. And I can’t imagine him ever not being apart of my life, a permanent mark of who I am._ _ _ _

____What was, at one time, so scary and unreal to me that I couldn’t even wrap my head around it completely, now becomes very clear. This is the start of my new life. This is who will be by my side until he day I die, and probably even after that if possible._ _ _ _

____“Rey?”_ _ _ _

____I look up at him, realizing I’ve just been staring down at my bowl for the past minute or so._ _ _ _

____I feel like laughing, or maybe crying, or kissing him. I don’t really know what to do._ _ _ _

____He can read everything from the look I give him. And in one second, he’s whisked me up from the stool I was sitting on, holding me in his arms and expressing his mirrored emotions through the longing kisses he exchanged with me._ _ _ _

____Our breakfast become long forgotten as he lays me down on the counter top, hopping up on top of me and continuing our passionate embrace, promising each other without words that we’ll never let each other go._ _ _ _

____And it’s more than I could ever ask for._ _ _ _

____* * *_ _ _ _

____Kylo P.O.V._ _ _ _

____Tomorrow comes too soon. Too early that I have to get ready to face the reality that there are other people in the world besides Rey._ _ _ _

____We’d spent much of the day gleefully discussing what kind of life we’re going to have. Of course, it won’t be too much different than it was before we were married, but for some reason, being husband and wife is making everything more exciting at the moment._ _ _ _

____We get up around eight and eat the last remnants of food remaining in the fridge. So our breakfast consists of frozen waffles and leftover dinner._ _ _ _

____“How can you eat that?” Rey laughs as I chow down on the last of the rice casserole we’d made a few nights ago. “It’s morning, doesn’t it taste weird?”_ _ _ _

“How can you eat _that? _” I ask, nodding toward her stack of butter slathered waffles that are dripping with sticky syrup.__

________“Waffles are for breakfast,” she informs me, as if that should be obvious._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______“If we’re gonna be married, you’ve gotta stop with all of these crazy foods,” I tease her, enjoying the adorable look of outrage she gives me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Waffles are not crazy!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______After breakfast, we go upstairs to get ready, then I start sweeping through the house to make sure we don’t leave anything behind. Rey goes into the kitchen to start boxing up the last of our food and I make sure we don’t leave a complete mess for the housekeepers, so I make the beds, straighten out the couch, and make sure everything looks presentable in the bathrooms._ _ _ _ _ _

______Once we have everything sorted out, we start bringing all our things downstairs and then out to the car. Rey tells me she’s going out to the back to make sure we didn’t forget any towels or anything. I don’t tell her I already looked out there, because I know she’s just going to get one last look at everything._ _ _ _ _ _

______I go out to join her after I’m done loading the car._ _ _ _ _ _

______I’m surprised to see her standing way out by the river, standing just at the edge, looking out over the small, furrowing waves folding over each other, moving out down the forest._ _ _ _ _ _

______I step off the deck, walking through the soft moss covered floor to where she’s standing, looking like she’s enjoying the blissful noises of the surrounding nature._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Enjoying the view, scavenger?” I ask as I approach her. She turns her head over her shoulder, grinning softly at my tone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’re not even back at work yet and your snarkiness has already returned,” she decides while I pull her up against me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You do realize I’m never going to stop calling you that, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I assumed that,” she sighs. “Though I don’t think I mind as much as I did five years ago.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______We stand silently for a few seconds, gazing out at the slow moving river, trying to memorize every sound, every inch of scenery. Being here might as well have been a therapy retreat for me, because I’ve never felt so at peace for so many days in a long time._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We should probably go,” she speaks softly. “I’m sure the housekeepers are spying on us right now, waiting for us to get the hell out already.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s right._ _ _ _ _ _

______My arms drop from her waist to take her hands as she turns toward me, pulling me along with her as we head back into the house._ _ _ _ _ _

______She goes through the front door, out to the car while I grab my phone and my keys off the small table._ _ _ _ _ _

______I slide my phone into my pocket, turning to glance back at the empty house one more time as I grab onto the door handle._ _ _ _ _ _

______I know that I’ve grown more in the last few months without knowing it, than I have in probably my entire life. It was like a huge curtain, previously blinding me to all that was there, was suddenly lifted up. And I was shown an amazing life I never had considered before._ _ _ _ _ _

______I used to wonder why life, or the Force, or whatever’s out there controlling everything, decided to put me into existence. I never knew what possible purpose my life could serve toward anything productive on this Earth._ _ _ _ _ _

______How ignorant was I to think that life could be so miserable, or that the people in my life don’t love me, or that I don’t deserve to be happy. There’s so much life to live, there’s so much beauty in the world that I was insensible to for so long. I have every reason to enjoy the future ahead and be happy with what I’ve been so graciously given._ _ _ _ _ _

______And in the center of it all is my beautiful Rey of light, currently hanging out the window of the car, glancing back at me with her reassuring smile, promising her unyielding devotion._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Coming?” she asks in a tantalizing tone as she watches me stand in the doorway._ _ _ _ _ _

______I step out of the house, letting the door fall closed behind me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The End_ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> What do I have to do? by R5  
> Need you Tonight by Welshly Arms  
> Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin  
> Helium by Sia  
> More by Usher  
> Next Go Round by Nickelback  
> Never be Enough by Loren Allred  
> Halo by Beyonce  
> Move Your Body by Sia  
> Fire Meet Gasoline by Sia


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